{ long time no see! idk why i ahvent been updating lately, im just Super tired. and idk ive been playing sooo much minecraft but i fear the era may be coming to a close and i dont rly have any other hobbies i wanna work on rn boo. idk i just feel pretty mid rn }

{ """"""ed"""""" """""recovery"""" is such a bitch and its hell and i want to vanish forever. i dont want 2 do anything i have to do but i dont want to be stuck like this forever, i dont want to damage my body forever but i dont want to look like this anymore, i dont want any help but nothing i do is working. everything sucks and it feels like im stuck in limbo forever and ever and i dont know what to do. i cant talk to anyone about it because its not an actual issue rn and its more mental bickering w myself but it sucks to just keep it in my brain forever and i know i need to journal but id just start spiraling and im so sick of doing that. my whole body hurts and im so exhausted and idk why im having these symptoms when im still overweight and ive been eating more for the past 4 months. this is so freaking stupid }

{ i get so worried that i will just get worse when school starts again and i will get sent away Again and i wont be able to graduate or whatever. im so scared i dont want to redo any of that but i cant imagine ever being normal about weight or food or energy or bodyimage or any of it. i feel like im in hell. but at least im not engaging in any of the harmful behaviors i used to. im just always battling my Freaking Brain idk. }

{ i hate how much of my life this shit takes up. its hard for me to make plans with people in advance bc i worry about the food involved in pre-determined styuff or if theyll get hungry and we go eat, i leave gatherings early to miss the mealtimes, i am unbearably exhausted even when i manage to go do things because i get so scared people will thing im disgusting for eating. i dont know what to do, honestly. i know i harbor so much judgement towards myself but i dont know how to get rid of it. therapy isnt helping all that much because i just dont believe in any of it and im Such a FAILURE. i Fail at ed and i Fail at recovery and i Fail at limbo. Fuckkkkkkk.... }

{ i havent been able to weigthlift lately either because im so drained and tired. i miss lifting. i miss having energy and being strong and whatever. i miss wanting to do things, i miss enjoying life!!! i hope i get past this shit because it sucks so hard. Ugh. }

{ sorry for the dismal entry. i watched the backrooms movie a couple weeks ago and i lovedddd it i cant wiat for it to go on streaming so i can watch it a lot. i really like pierce the veil. iolanthe's birthday was yesterday and we had a sleepover. ive been making super fire yogurt bowls. i finished the entire kumon math program. life keeps moving and im in the same place i was in december. }

{ps if anyone has any Any ANY advice on recovery motivation please help me. Please guys. any recovery advice is a blessing }

{ Aloha all. i scored TWO g1 monster high dolls today!! i was lucky to snatch roller maze lagoona (with her kneepads and helmet!!) and freaky fusion ghoulia!!!! im soooo happy! i ended up getting both of them for $60, which is still quite expensive but i figured i wont find a better price. and the lady selling them was soooo sweet!! she also noted she has a "ton" of other mh dolls she hasnt looked into yet so im HOPING and PRAYING ill be able to score some more from her. Yayy!! }

{ im very keen on someday acquiring the whole skultimate roller maze line because i LOVE roller skating and i LOVE monster high. theres another lady who has roller maze ghoulia (!!!!!!!) and operetta but shes selling them for a Pretty Penny (and ghoulia does not have her kneepads. safety first!) but oh well. i will continue searching. }

{some guy at the gym today said my hair was BEAUTIFUL and that i was Also very oretty and i almost squealed. And then he asked if i was single and i had to drop the Minor bomb but it was still super cutie sweetie pie. Grah! ive been thinking about it a lot Haha it makes me giglge. i felt kind of bad for him though. damn. }

{ im really having to start working on homework asap but I DONT WANNA all i wanan do is have fun! I just wanna lift weights and skate and collect dolls and get more emo and code and play skyrim and SKATE!!!!! i wanna do so much. I hate school brah. i hate math i HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE riemann sums i dont fucking get them at all. I really need to get them down tho, but whatevaaa... }

{ i want to get matching paradise tamagotchi w my bestie but theyre FORTY FIVE DOLLARS WTF it makes me scream. why is everything cost money poopoo. i want to get into drawing I ALSO WANNA LEARN JUMPSTYLE! Im getting a little better at the basic pattern but i dont think id be able to jump to the beat, U know? but its ok, ill get there. Just gotta keep practicing! }

{ Im still feeling kind of discouraged to recover but i had the cutest conversation about lifting on minecraft yesterday. everyone was like Yeah you gotta prioritize good rest and sleep as well as a balanced and Enough diet and i almost CRIED It was so frickin cute brah . i love this server soooo much. and everyone was saying i had Such Good Vibes! ive been getting so many compliments lately come to think of it. its a little strange icl. Oh well }

{ ummm ya i think thats most of the stuff i have updates on. i have to get started on math hw soon. Toesies shall be joining me at this little cafe soon. I hope a good table opens up soon, the little bench im at now is Umcomfy af. but i have my strawberry hibiscus iced tea and im livin and ballin. Later Gamers }

{ Hello my lovely little friends. today was a weird af day and i feel kind of midular about it}

{ school was LAME. no classes (again) and i barely did any work. it's so disheartening to be working for like an hour and a half and realize you havent even finished One Thing on your list. lame. and then i literally just worked on my site for the next hour because i couldnt find a place to study and i got freaked out. ugh. so im getting a little further behind on everything i have to do but thats fineeee i guess. i dont know. i have a couple appointments tomorrow and ill probably come back to school in the afternoon and hopefully work on some extra things. i dont know, i have been so unmotivated to do schoolwork }

{ theres so many other things i would like to devote my time to that are nowhere near as mindnumbing as Riemann Sums or Streetcar Named Desire. ugh. and i have college research to do, too. when, in reality, all i wanna do is gym!!! let me leg press!! tomorrow is arms day. im pumped }

{ anyways, i had 2 therapy related appointments today and i cant deny they left me quite disheartened. i really thought i was like. Almost completely recovered. Like yeah im still scared of milk and eating lunch at school sounds absolutely terrifying but i thought in most other ways i was doing fine. WRONG. apparently im Still not eating enough and i Still have a lot of fear surrounding fear and i STILL FUCKING HATE MYSELF!!!! it really sucks, i thought i had made a really good amount of progress. and i suppose i have, i mean ive stopped doing a lot of maladaptive behaviors and im eating ~3 meals a day now. but i really thought i had it All In the Bag. }

{ the more i look at it the more it makes sense that im still recovering, but i really thought that id be 100% fine after i left iop. im quite quickly learning that was definitely an unrealistic assumption, but it still stings a little. Oh well. at least strength training has been motivating. BUT ITS HARD AS HELLL TO EAT ENOUGH PROTEIN GRRRRR }

{ Like i dont want to contribute to the protein epidemic but omg how the FUCK am i supposed to eat like. 100g of protein a day that actually sounds ridiculous. i just gotta try my best, i guess... }

{ also i know my main page is UGLY AF IM WORKING ON IT. Its in progress.... }

{ i have 2 more appointments tomorrow and im really not excited. i hate hate HATE meeting w doctors and stuff. so damn annoyingggg. Like leave me ALONE!!!! }

{ Also if anyone has any advice on some more Emo shades for lip glosses/lip products ( i suppose) Pleaseee let me know. i dont really want to wear a black lipstick but im getting sick of my Pale Pinky Lips making me look sickly. #Jelp . ok i love u all bye bye }

{ i have FINALLY been released from outpatient prison and i feel EXHAUSTED! i cant believe its finally over. im actually kind of sad thinking about the whole ordeal. a lot of things happened, and i met a lot of super cool people, and i definitely learned a lot about myself }

{ im actually being emo now!! i started wearing makeup daily (just like eyeliner and mascara but still) and i LOVE IT i look so Sickkkk its great. made some cool bracelets and got a sick ass watch. started collecting monster high dolls more seriously. i have a silly doodly style now and i like to draw sometimes. Listenign toa LOT of emo music which is kind of funny. but yeah. i think the experience definitely had some silver linings. }

{ ive also been SO ENJOYING STRENGTH TRAINING!!!! I love lifting heavy things. its so fun. im trying to build a Sleeper/Awake Build. maybe like a lucid dreamer build. idk. but its so fun!! i really like it. my bestie likes rats... Would u like me if i were a ... Gym rat..... heh..... }

{ i dont really know what im going to do with this site. i dismantled a lot of my links and deleted some pages And some of my resources are GONE (Rest in peace main page sudoku...). i also dunno if im gonna keep this blog layout or make a new one. i was absolutely DREADFULLY Ill when i created this, and i wonder if it shows... but its also sick as hell so idk if i really want to get rid of it. and it took me FOREVER to finish. #SunkCostFallacy }

{ but ya! im backkkk !! i want to start websiting again because i miss this space. So creatively freeing and it felt like a good way to get my thoughts out on Various Things. i love digital collaging icl. its so super duoper fun. but i also jave sooooo much to fix and idk if i really Want to do that rn. whateva/... We live and we ball }

{ I want to learn jumpstyle. I want to dress more emo. I want a lucid dreamer build. I want all of monster high roller maze doll line. I want to get some heely type shoes so i can skate around school during my frees. I want to make bracelets and play minecraft and watch Secret Lives Of Mormon Wives. so many things to do!!! Bye gamers. Love u all! }

{ ps i really hope school isnt keeping tabs on this anymore... erm... aloha if u r.... Heh/... }

{i have been trying to think of a good way to address the events of the last couple of weeks, and i frankly dont think i can explain it all properly so this will have to do. if any school administration is reading this, i will be very sad. also, this is not for you, its to update my web friends on my DISAPPEARANCE. if u keep reading You'll be uncomfortable and I'll be uncomfortable, have funnn }

{ essentially, about 2 weeks ago a couple girls in my grade reported my injurious behavior to school administration, and exposed this blog to the peering eyes of teachers and faculty. which i still think is insane im so upset they didnt reach out to me first but its whatever i guess. anyways my blog and site got ratted out to school ppl }

{ immediate action was taken, and now im in Mandated Therapy for who knows how long for like 5 hrs a day. its proving to not be completely terrible but im still horribly annoyed at the entire situation. and i had to remove so much of my website. many of my personal musings, blogs, or other Relatable Content has been removed from the published site or the code files themselves. which broke my heart to have to do, by the way. i felt like i was ripping pieces of my soul out from my body and tossing them into a garbage disposal. But i digress.... }

{ off topic but also MY SISTER AND MOM READ THESE DEEPLY PERSONAL POSTS ERMMMMM I FELT VIOLATED IT WAS INSANE. my sister told me my writing sounded like sylvia plath though which made me laugh a lot icl }

{ anyways now i just dont really feel comfortable posting on this site anymore, at least for the time being. idk how long theyre Keeping Tabs on me but i wamted to address this more long-form-ed-ly. and if youre looking for a Potentially Interesting post/page of mine, chances are it's been deleted link-wise or just wiped from the site files. also if any irls are reading this (idk why you would ngl) i still havent forgiven yall icl. im being petty and bitchy and annoying but it will take a hot second to come around. so. }

{ i already miss posting, i really really hope i'll one day come back to this without feeling like im being watched. Thanks guys , }

{ ps im so pissed i got reported so soon after perfecting this layout. best blog layout ive ever had and its gonna sit dormant for forever. butthole, man. serious butthole. }

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