This is the page where i will ramble about My Crazy Thoughts. Be warned, don't read if i know you, please. It's veryyy emo....

girl intruder with no future, a computer claims my soul Burdened with a nasty burning, obscene yearning for control Shy and quiet, there but silent. there's a violence in my heart Want to maim you, to repaint you, want to make you come apart Growing up, i had these urges i'd feel bad about, but I'm done feeling guilty, i'll take these thoughts and tear them out So you can't stand to see me punishing myself? Only other option is to take it out on someone else! Stickers on my artillery, i'm gonna make history Hurry up and get rid of me, while theres nothing left in me Quiet girl so unassuming, dont ask me how im doing Born to bring the end of the world, swear it's nothing personal! Tried to take it out on myself, didn't have the samе effect Blood is always satisfying, but yours will be bеtter yet Round the corner acting normalScary how they don't see it Ain't it strange, it feels like yesterday, that i was just a kid Another night, i'm all alone enthroned within a screen RGB light reflects uncut, orgasmic tragedies. Oh, i can't stand these awful thoughts inside of me! Only way to compensate is lead and metal, sharp and clean! Razor bladed, sugar coated, just cock it and reload it-In the backyard, firing rounds, whos an easy target now? Quiet girl, so unnapealing, dont ask me how i'm feeling Born to die, i'm taking you too, how much damage can i do? (bloody feet across the floor) (no one there to clean the stains) (never got to be adored) (no one there to ease the pain) (nobody to kiss it better) (laughed at for all the scars) (abusive misuse of a child) (guess that must've been the cause) Now i'm bitter, now i'm better, angry but i know the truth You all hurt me, you all hate me, this is what you made me do When nothing, matters at all, you can do anything!I have to hurt them, for balance, for karma Before they do it to me So you can't stand to see me punishing myself? Don't be so nice to me, you'll make me wish i wanted help Stickers on my artillery, why won't you go and kill me? Hurry up and get rid of me, before i say i'm sorry Quiet girl, nobody knows her, please let me start all over Born to bring you all misery, and yet you see good in meIf this wasn't really the end, and i could do it again Do you think that i'd deserve it? do you think that i'm worth it? "sympa'", "empa", "apathetic"; they're only theoretic For now i put down my weapons
I wanna be a person

is she... ya know... splitting?


What have you done to deserve your eyes today?

i саn fееl it hit thе nеrvе i knоw i’vе gоt whаt i dеsеrvе my drеаms аrе full оf еndlеss lооps i’m widе аwаkе but саnnоt mоvе i fееl it sееping thrоugh my vеins dоn’t try tо sаlvаgе whаt rеmаins thе fliеs аrе swirling аll аrоund and i саn fееl it shuttig dоwn i саnnоt stоp i саnnоt rеst stаying up is my bеst bеt tо gеt а hint оr gеt а сluе and mаybе i’ll find sоmеthing nеw tо think аbоut оr сry аbоut or writе а bit tо аir it оut i stаrt tо fееl sо gооd аt night but it аll gоеs bасk whеn i сlоsе my еyеs i dоn’t еvеn knоw hоw i соuld bе sо surе whеn nоw i’m аll strеtсhеd оut insidе this blur i саnnоt find yоur еyеs аnd i саnnоt fееl а thing i’m rеаding intо еvеrything but still dоn’t knоw whаt it mеаns kееp thinking i’m fееding liеs tо mysеlf but sоmеtimеs thе thоughts аrе thе liеs in thеmsеlvеs i knоw thаt it’s rеаl аnd i knоw thаt it’s truе but it’s hаrd tо bеliеvе whеn i’m sо аfrаid tо lоsе i саn fееl it turn tо sludgе my mоuth is mеlting intо mush nо wоrds аrе lеft my tоnguе is dеаd i’m just sо stuсk insidе my hеаd i саn fееl it turn tо sludgе thе dаy is dоnе аnd still i rush it’s dоnе аnd i knоw whо tо blаmе it’s dоnе аnd i still fееl thе sаmе i саn fееl it turn tо sludgе full оf nоisе аnd hаrd tо tоuсh a piеrсing sоund hits bоth my еаrs It’s nеvеr bееn sо сrystаl сlеаr fееling sоrry whаt’s thе pоint hаnds аrе stiсking аt thе jоints anоthеr wаstеd night аwаy just typing till it turns tо dаy i саn fееl it hit thе nеrvе i knоw i’vе gоt whаt i dеsеrvе my drеаms аrе full оf еndlеss lооps i’m widе аwаkе but саnnоt mоvе i fееl it sееping thrоugh my vеins dоn’t try tо sаlvаgе whаt rеmаins it’s nоt gоnnа mоvе it’s nоt gоnnа budgе i dоn’t knоw hоw tо kill this sludgе dеаth is grоwing саn’t yоu sее thе timеs i’vе triеd tо соunt my drеаms gеt mе hоmе аnd gеt sоmе rеst i think it wоrks i think i’ll pаss i knоw yоu саn fееl it tоо whеn yоu саn’t еvеn сlеаn yоur rооm all this shit is piling up and i knоw it will nеvеr stоp i саn fееl it hit thе nеrvе i knоw i’vе gоt whаt i dеsеrvе my drеаms аrе full оf еndlеss lооps i’m widе аwаkе but саnnоt mоvе i fееl it sееping thrоugh my vеins dоn’t try tо sаlvаgе whаt rеmаins thе fliеs аrе swirling аll аrоund and i саn fееl it shutting dоwn

july 3 {lately i feel like i've been going insane. i feel like i might have bpd. or at least i relate to a lot of the symptoms or signs or whatever. it's awful i hate it endlessly. i'm terrified of hurting my favorite person. i probably will. i want to tell them everyone but i don't want to hurt them without needing to. and everyone time they show me that they still like me i feel awful. i want to claw out my skin and set my brain free, there's roaches in my skull. i have hated bugs forever. i also hate yellow. maybe this will end up being my hate page. i hate a lot and i love a lot and there's never any in between and it is all too much. i have one person i can talk to about all of this but i'm scared of hurting them too. there is frankly too much going on with me to tell anyone i feel, none of this feels real. i've had the same day for months now. i don't do anything. i want to, i really do, but what can i do? there's no reason for me to do nothing but i can't seem to gain the motivation to actually get up and do it. i feel so bad for my parents, my family. i'm supposed to be so bright and intelligent and i know that there's a part of me that is smart, that can do things, but they won't show. at the same time, i have too many opportunities to be wasting them like this. but what if i'm not actually smart at all, what if i'm only at this level because of those opportunities? i hate getting grades. i hate being put into percentiles and being told i'm 'better than average' when in reality i'm not, and no one who knows the numbers seems to get that. i wish therapy helped, i really wish it did. but it's done now and i know it wouldn't work and i know why. i know how i could make it work but it's just so stupid and absolutely like. i don't know how to put it into words. i guess i just really don't want to ever be that vulnerable around anyone. i was once and it led to my favorite person at the time blocking me. good for them.

i just wish it were easier for me to understand things in the moment. i feel like i'm always so insane when things are happening, i never think about what might happen. and i guess it makes sense, i guess most people feel this way but idk, i just wish i could control it better. i wish i knew what i was saying when i say 'i love you too', what i mean, what i'm feeling. i don't know if it's love or obsession. i don't know if i should tell them, i hope they don't read this. or maybe i do. maybe i want them to understand without me telling them. maybe that's what this is really for. all in all, if they're reading this, i'm sorry. i think i did love you once, i truly meant everything. and maybe i still do, i'm just too scared to admit what that might mean. please don't hate me. i honestly get it if you do though haha. but please tell me if you do. i hate ruminating. i feel like i'm too young to be pondering all this, or maybe it's normal. that's one thing i'll never know, if i'm being a normal teenager finally after not being that for years, or if this is actually unusual behavior. this was probably all a bad idea to put somewhere that most people important to me might see but oh well, what does it matter honestly. i would kind of rather them know that i'm a little crazy than have to spend my whole life worrying what on earth i did talking to so many people when i was in no mental wellness to talk to anyone. or maybe that's my issue, isolating. well if it hurts now maybe it'll be worth it. no pain no gain, right? i hope so

and the other day i was wondering, what if there's actually nothing wrong with me? what if i'm just like this, or what if everyone is just like this? that is such a scary idea. some part of me hopes the latter isn't true, that there is something wrong with me to explain all this behavior, but i wouldn't want anything to be wrong with me. i want to be normal. i want to be a person. splitter girl is my favorite song in the world, and everyday it gets more and more relatable. i'm not sure if weevildoing has bpd, or has any experience with people who might but dang, is she matching what i think might be wrong with me. even her name, splitter girl. i wish i could ask them. maybe i will. i am so happy weevildoing makes music, their stuff has helped me through so much. stream weevildoing's music and listen to splitter girl btw !!!! still can't get over how sad it is that the original video got taken down. honestly a masterpiece, wish i'd downloaded it when i could have.}

july 3, 8:49pm {everytime i think i Can't make things worse, i can and it's awful. they responded to my question, i don't feel any better. i'm reminded my mom basically hates me (rightfully so ngl, i'm a little bitch) and that i'm just an awful person. she keeps trying to make me eat, but honestly i don't even really deserve it at this point. like i kinda just wish i could go through autophagy myself. At least i think that's what it's called. we're supposed to go on a trip together next week, honestly kinda hope she ends up just taking my sister, i wouldn't really enjoy that trip. or i would, i guess, but how much would i deserve it? at the end of the day, what do i really even deserve? not much, that's for sure. even if these little 'angry outbursts' are from bpd, or something that's not just me, it wouldn't change the fact that it makes me an asshole. maybe someday i'll be able to grab myself when i'm angry and just stop whatever happens next. but at this point bruises are the next best bet lol. plus they feel sorta good. but maybe thats bad because i don't deserve it. gosh i wish stuff made sense. i wish i knew why their messages stopped mattering, why i started being so careless, why i started caring at the beginning. i hope i never feel like that again. sickly sweet, that's what it was. so sweet, too sweet. i feel awful

and i feel awful for them. i hope they stop liking me, i really do. they don't deserve to have to deal with my mess, with me. maybe i'm the mess, i probably am, but does it really matter what is exactly wrong? no, it doesn't, just that the problems come with me. i kind of hope that they lie whenever they say they like me or they love me or i was their favorite. because having my own hopes crushed would kind of be better than them having to deal with my whims and paranoia and scenarios and whatever will end up happening. i wish i could tell them all this upfront. i really do. but i feel like it would hurt them, and i really don't want that. if i could go back, i would tell them what a mess i'd become, i'd warn them of everything. i'd warn myself too. i wish i never downloaded that, it kind of ruined everything. i hate getting this attached, i hate how much i love the attachment, i hate how much i love them. i adore them, it's awful. it makes me want to claw out my eyes, my stomach, my legs, empty them all out and make a quilt or something. instead of butterflies in my stomach it feels like roaches in my ribcage, crawling through my lungs and attaching themselves to my heart and chewing on the arteries, snacking on the blood that should be pumped to my brain. maybe that's why i feel so unreal, because i physically can't think! maybe i'm not getting enough oxygen. or maybe i'm spiralling again }

july 4 11:01 pm {i'm always conflicted over whether or not to actually hurt myself. there's always soemthing the next day that i have to look presentable for, and now it's summer i can't always hide things. especially not with this heat. i have work tomorrow and i know that my arm Probably won't heal all the way, but i didn't do too much yesterday so it's probably fine. the last time this happened, i scratched a lot and this one sweet girl at work asked what happened to my arm and i didn't know what to say. i ended up saying i fell or something along those lines, it definitely didn't make sense though. how do you even fall on your left forearm scratching a bunch of the skin off? i don't really know what i expect people to say ngl, nor do i know what they think. the only good thing about having stuff to stop me from hurting myself is it also stops my mom from wondering what happened, which is always the worst part. i still remember in 5th grade when she had to confront me about some poetry my english teacher called her about. worst two months ever, i could barely be in the same room as her without being scared she was going to ask about soemthing. worst part was it was during the whole covid stuff. like the first months of it. awful awful times

i know i should be happy that she cares for me and that she asks me to eat and that she worries about me but it's so awful to hear her be so angry while telling me. i love my mom so much but soemtimes i wish she wouldn't care about me so much. or at all for that matter. i'm such a bitch to her and i can't even snap myself out of anything in the moment. it always makes me feel so nasty and awful and it's always the worst when i get home from school. i'll yell at her in the car, storm up to my room, cry, scratch, sleep, and cry some more. then wait until she leaves the house or something to get some water or eat or soemthing. and then i'll her the next morning and we'll pretend everything's fine but it's not, and it hasn't been for forever. i wish she and everyone who's ever loved me could get away from my awful awful self because oh god if the way i treat myself is any sign, i should never be allowed near others. they should never ever be allowed to like me because of how awful i get when i'm upset. it's horrendous. makes me want to eat my vocal chords and rip out my hair and skin until my muscles show and i can see how physically weak i am. i genuinely hate me, and i don't know how other people don't.}

july 6, 12:29 am {lately i've been wondering if i would have been better off never meeting you. and i know that's an awful thing to say, especially considering how much i love (or loved, i can't tell anymore) you. but this constant wondering and thinking and hoping and disappointment keeps dulling me down and i don't know how to stop it. i've tried isolating. and failed. i can't go without seeing your icon, i've logged out and logged back in, pondered deleting the app, realized how awful that would be. i can't take it anymore, but i also can't stop. i wish you'd ask me how i am, like really asked. i wish you'd realize i wasn't ok, but who am i to care, i can barely do that for you. i twist everything to be self-centered, and i wish i didn't. i wish i didn't do a lot of things. i wish i weren't me.

i just realized earlier how awful it is that anyone could come and read this. although i don't know what else i'd expect, this is a public webpage and a public platform. but i guess that's how it always is with me. i want people to notice but i hate when they do, i want people to care but hate when they do, i want people to know me and like me and care about me but hate when they do. i hate feeling this way. i hate so much. maybe i am the hate. last night my sister had some friends over for a july 4th party, moving my couch a little further into the room. when it was 9 pm, and she didn't move it back, i got so angry. so upset i felt like i needed to claw out my hair to feel alright. but i moved it back after some grumbling and complaining, just a little. i can't help myself. i thought i'd done a good job of controlling my anger, keeping most of it in. not destroying anything (other than the obvious. Lol.), not screaming too much, just fixing what had to be done. but then, apparently, that wasn't good enough. and i get why, but it's just the most invalidating thing in the world to hear your strongest attempts be put aside because of an outside view. i wish my mom understod. i wish i understood. i wish i were different.}

july 6, 1:02 pm {she saw my arm, she saw the scratches that barely even exist and she got mad. i understand why, at least a little, but slapping them and threatening to cancel something i'm not even that excited for is not the way to go, i think. she called my best friend stupid and weird and crazy. we're basically the same person ngl. she wonders why i don't tell her anything, but what even is there to tell? i can't tell anyone anything that actually matters. if i told her about my stupid possible beautiful princess disorder i do Not think she'd be happy. she'd probably think it was an excuse. fun fact tho: i was born on national princess day Lol. maybe it was preordained. anyways if she didn't think it was an excuse, she'd probably force me back into therapy again or something along those lines. which would suck. i hated therapy. honestly mostly my fault because i was never honest, which was probably part of the reason we never actually did anything. i also blamed a lot of stuff on my mom. i think i just gaslighted my therapist into thinking i was a fine and dandy and good person (probably also made her think i had like the Uhh superiotit complex or somehting. which i might've at that point Ngl). we never got anywhere and we just cancelled at some point because my mom asked if it was helping. i think i'm also scared of Not Actually having bpd because that would mean i'm just like this, would mean i'm just an awful person. still true, but at least i have a reason to understand why.}

july 6 11:33 pm {luckily she didn't force me into anything. not exactly at least. she said if my arm doesn't heal by monday we're not going on the trip we've been planning for a while now. which wouldn't be too bad if she just went with my sister, i need some alone time from the both of them ngl. but she said she'd straight up cancel the whole thing. i don't really know what she thinks she's doing. because i Don't think threatening 2 take one of the only things i've been looking forward to for a while will help Ngl. but to be fair it'd probably be okay if i didn't go. really only want to go for the plane and trains LOL. anyways Now i have a reason 2 force me to stop scratching which i guess is a good thing but goodness typing this now all i want to feel is the burning from friction on my arm, gosh it felt so good. bad things always feel so good. like their attention makes me feel SO GOOD in the moment but looking back on it or thinking about it always gets me absolutely terrified. i don't even think they like me anymore which, again, is probably a good thing. but i was thinking, and no matter what happens i'll feel awful. they still like me? i'm a horrible influence and will end up hurting them! they don't like me anymore? you're an awful person who must have done something bad to end this 'relationship' or whatever it is. someone a couple days ago insisnuated that it Was a relationship which terrified me a lot. }

july 8 11:53 pm { i think i'm ok now !! idk what happened but i think i don't care anymore ????? idk im scared this won't last but i'll see LOLOLOL. been listening 2 some silly tunes lately RLYYY upset my music page isnt working rn but hopefully utll fix itself idk. Omg listen 2 i ❤ harajuku by alice longyu gao and fraxiom omg omg omg its SO GOOD ok Byeeee ! }

july 14, 9:37 pm { i feel like im goong insane again. forgive spelling mistakes i am codinf on a phone in a hotel bed in vienna. shit's not going too great, feel like kay em essing rn. genehinely awful. i dont even know what happened. bought a bracelet and broke it within like 4 days. too much has happened and i havent been able to be alone in almost a week. i should be fine but i am so not. everything hurts and i cant be by myself and i'm with my mom and everythinf is pretty awful. im across the world but i feel ten times worse not gonna lie. ive seen so nuch but i feel so stupid i hate this. i hate me, i hate my legs and my shoulders and my lips and my face and my heart and my head and my stomach and my chest and my feet and my eyes and my ears and my hands and everything about me. i hate the way i cant eat without feeling like an absolute fatass pigwhale mammoth creatue but i cant drink enough water to fill me up and im always checked up on to make sure im eating at least once a day but even thats been too much lateky. i wish i werent me and i wish i was prettier and smarter, or not wven smarter. i wish i was dumber and better and more normal and average and just normal. i wish i liked normal things and had a normal body and normal eyes and normal dislikes and normal habits and a normal room and normal grades and a normal life and normal wants and a normal family and normal relationships and a normal brain. i wish i could feel better about myself but i know i cant. i cant even be helped because i cant be alone abd i cant go out in a way that will help.

im not a good person. kind of opposite not goong to lie. i think if i were Anyone else i would do awful awful things. if i werent so scared of other people or what rhey thought of me. i think id do unspeakably evil things if i didnt care, im always lookibg for loopholes. i care but i really dont and idk if i ever will. i think in anofher universe i would probabky kill a lot of people. i dont know. i really just want to hurt nyself tho. i really just want to be alone so fhe only person i CAN hurt is me. no one else really deserves what i do. i wish i could do spmething now, but my mom is three feet away. i wish i were 4 feet to my left. }

august 2, 1:30 pm { quite a few things have happened since i last edited this. some good and lately bad. i think ive completely stopped obsessing over them which is a good thing, but it's completely gone. and they still exist and i don't know if i should tell them or just hope that it happens to them too. i just dont wanna hurt them still and i dont know what i would say other than 'hey i had an unhealthy obsession with yuou that's now ended and now you're just someone in my computer, sorry dude!'. that sounds awful. id rather like. continue playing along than send whatever THAT is. but now i dont have anything to really care about and ive just started stressing over school and stuff that i cant really control which isnt too great. i feel like im about to spiral or do something not great again but i dont really feel anything. i can sense absolute tension building up within me but i dont feel anything, emotion-wise. idk what im gonna do this time, because i normally find something to obsess over and it fixes it. but i dont really want to do that, especially not with school coming up. maybe ill focus everything into getting good grades. i dont know.

i think 9th grade will kill me. maybe not really cause me to die and be gone, but itll definitely kill some part of me. maybe optimism or effort or motivation or something. not sure. but i know it will not have a good effect on me. ive barely recovered from last year but school starts in like 3 weeks and idk how im gonna be able to feel good in this short of time. especially not with work twice a week. god idk how im gonna survive real life if i can barely handle being a student. idk how im gonna survive high school if ive barely been surviving the other school years. i better be able to get smarter too, or at least be ready to put more effort into school. i havent been giving 100% ever and ive been able to pretty well, but it has not made me feel well at all. if i have to put a lot of effort in i might as well be dead, or at least my energy or motivation or something. idk. if someone has any tips on keeping yourself prepared for school please let me know. i hope no one reads this though. its so embarassing.

i think the worst part is im not able to really tell anyone about this. if someone tried to help me or give me advice, chances are i wouldnt be able to follow the advice because its 'too mcuh work' or some other stupid excuse i give. im not even pretty enough 4 this Suffering 2 be like. in any way cool or something. i cant romanticize any of whats happening right now, or ever. nothing in the moment ever sounds good or anything and if i try to 'romanticize' it, i just end up sounding like a fool trying to make up things. which i guess i am but it feels godawful knowing that im just making shit up. school's probably going to get so much harder this year and im so not ready. im probably going to have to finally drop out of enriched math because i cant study good enough or just fail spanish to get dropped down to a lower level, even if i love the class. im too dumb to be put in any of these things, and idk who decided any of them would be good ideas for me. school sucks and i hate it. }

august 4, 2023 {i dont even know what to write right now, i just know i feel awful. i dont feel anything and ive been crying for a while and i dont know whats happening. theres too much death and hurt in the world. too many genocides and too many mass murders and killings and homocide and so much anger and hate and hunger for power. everyone wants power, and those who have it 'need' to keep it. theres too much pain in the world, i dont know how its possible. idk how its possible to live normally knowing that thers probably someone out of the 8 billion people on this planet being tortured or harmed against their will and theres probably someone being killed and a new accident has probably just happened. there's too much death in the world. theres too much death and sadness and pain and anger and negativity and theres a lot of good things too but theres not enough and idk if there ever will be. when im at my happiest someone is being hurt, and idk how im supposed to deal with that. idk how to help, or if theres even any way to help. how am i supposed to stop motor vehicle accidents, or plane crashes, or propoganda, or anything. how am i supposed to help at all. im 14, i barely go outside, i cant read about this stuff without crying. a girl in my sister's grade died yesterday and the world is going to keep turning.

i feel like it shouldnt. someone's daughter died yesterday, someone's best friend. and this happens every day, im sure it does. but it shouldnt. and theres so few ways to prevent it other than telling someone not to do something. dont drink and drive! be careful! wear a seatbelt! but none of those things matter if youre the only one doing it. theres no way to guarantee everyone is doing the right thing. and there's no way everyone is. i wonder how many nazis actually believed in those policies and how many were coerced. i want to look up the percentage but i really dont. it probably doesnt even exist, theres probably not a way to tell. why is there so much hate in the world? why does everyone hate someone, how does everyone hate someone? i really dont know how the world can keep going when horrible awful things happen everyday. although i guess space doesnt really care about people, gravity will keep moving and planets will keep spinning. god i feel awful. this is so dumb, im writing on my stupid little website about how bad someone else's death makes me feel. Rest in peace. }

august 18, 2023, 8:22 pm {i really thought i was making progress. it's been 2 weeks since my last entry. i was so proud, i told panini about it, i thought i was getting better and now im listening to the rip and feeling like ive cracked back into a million pieces after piecing together 999,999 of them. i dotn know why i do this, i wish i did. and i know tomorrow im going to be asked why i do this, and i wont have an answer. and thats obviously not acceptable. which i understand, to a degree, but i dont understand why people would think i choose to feel this way if i knew how to stop it. and i dont, and thats the worst part. maybe i should go try therapy again, but i know i wouldnt let it work. at least not without some sort of INcentive, which is an awful way to think about getting better. i wanted to get better for them, but they made me worse than i couldve ever imagined. and now im without them by my own choice, and im still feeling awful. i dont know if ill ever get better.

maybe i do have bpd. maybe i do, its quite possible. i wouldnt be too surprised if i found out, especially not after experiencing so much and feeling so much and splitting on a monitor. maybe there's a way to feel better, but i dont know if medication would even help. if i even had it i dont think id end up taking it, i hate pills with a burning passion. i dont even take my vitamins, but what else is new. i guess i just want to know whats wrong with me so i can relish in some sort of group, relate to some posts or some other thing. i want to feel like im understood but that might feel worse. plus if i knew id feel obligated to feel better. which i dont even think is possible at this point. ive been like this since i was foiur.

i remember coming home from preschool and screaming at everyone, throwing temper tantrums over the littlest things and taking out all my anger on my poor parents, and my sister, and everyone who's worked so hard for me. i dont even know what it was all for. ive tried to make excuses by saying i just bottled up all my anger over kids at school but i dont think thats true. what can happen in preschool? i hate being liek this and i hate not being able to stop. i almost tore apart my whole room fifteen minutes ago. thank god i was somehow able to stop myself. at least i can say what i need to say on this awful awful webpage. im so sorry to whoever's reading this. i hope you feel well. i hope you feel better.}

august 27, 3:38 pm { ive left my room twice today; once to get my homework, and once to put it back. ive eaten 1 rice pudding container. i am so hungry. i want water so bad but i wont get it. i dont want to see my mom and i dotn want to go downstairs. everytime i think ive gotten better i get so much worse, its awful. god i want to hurt myself in so many ways but its so embarassing. and it doesnt even hurt enough in the places no one would see. god i hate this. not even this, i just hate me. i hate the way i cause such intense turmoil for days or weeks, and how i dont even do anything to fix it. i hate how this happens over and over again and i dont change anything. i hate that itll only get worse.

i really should probably start going to therapy, but thats just expensive and i doubt it would work. i do not ever wany to tell anyone about what i do and how insufferable i am. id end up making them pity me and its awful. done that repeatedly and its horrible. horrendous. and then when i try and isolate people, they just push harder in trying to help. its only gonna hurt them more. and me, i guess. which might be good, but they dont deserve it. i wish getting help was easier, but its just so bad and awful and embarassing. i dont even know who to ask or wht to say. i doubt anyone would take my thoughts that i May have an incredibly awful cluster b oersonality disorder, especially since i spend so much time online. and being told that i actually dont have anything wrong with me, that im just awful and like this, would be so terrible. i think id rather feel awful like this than feel awful about knowing that its all on purpose. it doesnt feel like i do it purposefully, but who knows. i sure wouldnt. }

september 2, 9:44 am { oh my god im getting worse. im so angry. its not even internal anymore. i ripped 4 ties, i threw two soap bottles (one broke and the soap leaked everywhere), i completely just ripped apart a paper towel i chucked a gatorade bottle (empty luckily) i threw a cowbell i dropped a dyson hair thing or whatever i threw skittles all oer my sisters room i moved everything back to the way it was i almost threw my dolls off their position im getting so much worse. its not internal anymore. i cant just hold it in. i heard some girls talking about a rage room at school last week. they said they wanted to go. i want to go to a rage room. i need to go. im going to end up punching a hole in my wall if i dont. i need help i need peace i need to relax i need to calm down but i cant and i dont know when i ever will. i think this is the earliest ive ever done this. god im so messed up. thank god for music. if i heard the fan i think id go insane. i cut my hair a couple days ago. i like it a lot but its so messed up. one side is ever so slightly longer than the other and i know it but everyone ive asked says it looks fine. i hate it. i want to rip all the hair off my head but id look even uglier bald. i ripped some hair off yesterday. it felt so good. god i need help }

septmbere 5, 8:48 am { this is in class. i didnt write it yesterday. it was awful. i never want to eat again, i dont deserve it. i wish i didnt have to do anything for myself. i dont know how much im gonna be able to write today. class is gonna be rough. i hope we write in english today. }

september 5, 10:38 pm { im afraid. i dont want to fail a quiz. this is my 2nd week of high school. im going to fail this spanish quiz im so afraid. i hate how i cant ever do anything. today im goign to study as much as i can and finish my math and do as much as possible. i cant do this as often as i do. i want to be better i want to do good. i dont want people thinking im smart but i want to do well and i want to succeed. i need to do good i need to do better. i need to be smart and do good in life. i cant leave my house and have my family cut contact just to be a drug addict who takes any attention she can get. it might happen. probably will. oh well. }

september 9, 9:53 am { whatever i wrote up here yesterday on my phone didnt save. i dont know whether to be happy or sad about it. i ended up going to bed at 5 pm last night though. woke up at 10, took some melatonin, and woke up again at 2: 50 am. ended up staying it bed until like 9. im so afraid all over again. and i know i should be happy for them, and i absolutely am, but i cant stop thinking about the fact that theyre going to stop talking to me soon. im so afraid. i dont know anyone else as well as i know them. its awful. i hope they dont read this. thats a recurring theme, i guess. idk. i guess i was always going to have to find another friend, but i dont know. i hope we dont drift away but its just too likely for me not to think about it. im so scared for when it happens.

yearbook pictures also came out yesterday. and everyone else looked fine, most of them looked pretty good for what tehy were saying. looking at all the pictures, mine stood out so horribly much. the only one with her hair in a ponytail, the way my face felt so uncanny and unhuman, how my eyebrows looked almost contorted. my hair looked like a literal birdsnest, and i dont know what to do. i dont think it should matter, and i dont know why everyone this year was so keen on seeing them so early. either way, i felt like crying when i saw mine. i hate being such an ugly girl. but i know i wont do anything to be prettier. because no matter how much i care, i only really care because of how people see me. but that shouldnt matter. right?? or maybe it should. gosh i wish i liked the same things pther girls liked, cared about the same things they did, found the same things funny. had similar hobbies, had similar things that mattered to me. the most interesting facts about me are that i have a typewriter and i can rollerskate. i hate me so much. }

september 17, 6:48 pm { everything that i learn about u makes me feel so bad and it hurts. makes my stomach tie itself into knots and force me to hurt and almost go feral, i need to move. i want to help so bad, but, really, what can i even do? its not like i can change people's lives and everyone they interact with. i wish i knew u better, i wish u told me more, i hope u dont read this, i know u will. if theres anything i can help with, let me know. i do wish we went to the same school. i wish i wasnt sick. i wish i knew what u meant more. i probably shouldnt have read any of that. i dont even know if its about me, kind of doubt it is. btu i want to help and now i feel worse knowing what i shouldnt have. i know ignorance is bliss. i just tend to forget it when i need to remember it. if we did live next door to each other, i wonder if we would be better or worse friends. i hope the former. i wish we did. i hope we keep talking, i hope u dont forget me, i hope we stay friends. i hope u dont forget me. }

september 18 9:09 pm { i domt think ive ever wanted to just disappear more than i do now. or i guess been in such a state where i will do it. the drawer to my left has a bottle of clorox spray. i could chug a little and itd all be over by tomorrow. i wouldnt have to do any of my tests. id never have to feel this way again. id never have to hurt a bunch of people. maybe one or two. i doubt it would really matter. maybe it would. i wouldnt be around for any of it though. just part of the 9%. im locked in a bathroom. shef never know until it wouold be too late. i just need the courage. if i do it, im so sorry. if i dont, im sorry too. }

september 19 11:07 am { im still alive. im here. in physics class. not feeling anymore. hungry. i hope i can do something with them today. i need to study. i had to run today. im so hungry. i want to go home, im so tired. i went to bed without doing anything. i woke up at 7:30 with the room lights in my face. i hate those lights, i never turn them on. i wanted to hide back in my bathroom. but i have school. and she has a key now. }

september 21 8:05 am { sleepycore to the max. went to bed @ 4:45 pm last night, woke up at like 4 am this morning. i love melatonin gummies ❤. i cant wait for the weekend. i want to sleep more. i cant wait to go home and sleep. maybe this will be my routine for a while. go home. sleep. wake up. go to school. sleep. that might be easy. we'll see. i want to get better, but i dont think i ever will. i hope i do }

september 21, 8:48 pm { i dont know when its gonna get better. everyday i keep thinking 'tomorrow is gonna be fine and dandy and everything's gonna be okay' but its not. i wish i could just be left alone. im gonna end up sleeping this entire weekend. maybe if i dont eat at all tomorrow itll be fine. maybe i just need to scare her into letting me do things. or maybe i just do them. what is she gonna do, really ? punish me when i get home ? whatever. itd probably end up worse in the long run. i might just have people come over here. she didnt say anything about that, after all. just that i wasnt allowed to go anywhere. oh well. we'll survive. somehow. even if it means sleeping for 24 hours straight.

i really dont know why im overreacting this much anyways. being grounded is kind of normal. especially for breaking stuff. but. i dont know. it just hurts so much inside and all it makes me want to do is break more stuff. i dont see what part of that she doesnt understand. i really dont get it. i want to tell her everything, but i really, really dont. i never want to tell her about all the things i think. and then id end up going to a psychiatrist and lying and saying that everythings fine because i dotn want to say anything to her. i hate her little 'i love you's after telling me things that ruin my day, her little attempts to care and make peace that so blatantly will not work, the way she acts as if i know whats going on any more than she does, how she still doesnt remember the little things that are so obviously bigger things. but who cares anymore. im going to go to bed. and praying i dont get my math test back tomorrow. }