This is the page where i will ramble about My Crazy Thoughts. Be warned, don't read if i know you, please. It's pretty.. erm... NotGreat

---2023---

july 3 {lately i feel like i've been going insane. i feel like i might have bpd. or at least i relate to a lot of the symptoms or signs or whatever. it's awful i hate it endlessly. i'm terrified of hurting my favorite person. i probably will. i want to tell them everyone but i don't want to hurt them without needing to. and everyone time they show me that they still like me i feel awful. i want to claw out my skin and set my brain free, there's roaches in my skull. i have hated bugs forever. i also hate yellow. maybe this will end up being my hate page. i hate a lot and i love a lot and there's never any in between and it is all too much. i have one person i can talk to about all of this but i'm scared of hurting them too. there is frankly too much going on with me to tell anyone i feel, none of this feels real. i've had the same day for months now. i don't do anything. i want to, i really do, but what can i do? there's no reason for me to do nothing but i can't seem to gain the motivation to actually get up and do it. i feel so bad for my parents, my family. i'm supposed to be so bright and intelligent and i know that there's a part of me that is smart, that can do things, but they won't show. at the same time, i have too many opportunities to be wasting them like this. but what if i'm not actually smart at all, what if i'm only at this level because of those opportunities? i hate getting grades. i hate being put into percentiles and being told i'm 'better than average' when in reality i'm not, and no one who knows the numbers seems to get that. i wish therapy helped, i really wish it did. but it's done now and i know it wouldn't work and i know why. i know how i could make it work but it's just so stupid and absolutely like. i don't know how to put it into words. i guess i just really don't want to ever be that vulnerable around anyone. i was once and it led to my favorite person at the time blocking me. good for them.

i just wish it were easier for me to understand things in the moment. i feel like i'm always so insane when things are happening, i never think about what might happen. and i guess it makes sense, i guess most people feel this way but idk, i just wish i could control it better. i wish i knew what i was saying when i say 'i love you too', what i mean, what i'm feeling. i don't know if it's love or obsession. i don't know if i should tell them, i hope they don't read this. or maybe i do. maybe i want them to understand without me telling them. maybe that's what this is really for. all in all, if they're reading this, i'm sorry. i think i did love you once, i truly meant everything. and maybe i still do, i'm just too scared to admit what that might mean. please don't hate me. i honestly get it if you do though haha. but please tell me if you do. i hate ruminating. i feel like i'm too young to be pondering all this, or maybe it's normal. that's one thing i'll never know, if i'm being a normal teenager finally after not being that for years, or if this is actually unusual behavior. this was probably all a bad idea to put somewhere that most people important to me might see but oh well, what does it matter honestly. i would kind of rather them know that i'm a little crazy than have to spend my whole life worrying what on earth i did talking to so many people when i was in no mental wellness to talk to anyone. or maybe that's my issue, isolating. well if it hurts now maybe it'll be worth it. no pain no gain, right? i hope so

and the other day i was wondering, what if there's actually nothing wrong with me? what if i'm just like this, or what if everyone is just like this? that is such a scary idea. some part of me hopes the latter isn't true, that there is something wrong with me to explain all this behavior, but i wouldn't want anything to be wrong with me. i want to be normal. i want to be a person. splitter girl is my favorite song in the world, and everyday it gets more and more relatable. i'm not sure if weevildoing has bpd, or has any experience with people who might but dang, is she matching what i think might be wrong with me. even her name, splitter girl. i wish i could ask them. maybe i will. i am so happy weevildoing makes music, their stuff has helped me through so much. stream weevildoing's music and listen to splitter girl btw !!!! still can't get over how sad it is that the original video got taken down. honestly a masterpiece, wish i'd downloaded it when i could have.}

july 3, 8:49pm {everytime i think i Can't make things worse, i can and it's awful. they responded to my question, i don't feel any better. i'm reminded my mom basically hates me (rightfully so ngl, i'm a little bitch) and that i'm just an awful person. she keeps trying to make me eat, but honestly i don't even really deserve it at this point. like i kinda just wish i could go through autophagy myself. At least i think that's what it's called. we're supposed to go on a trip together next week, honestly kinda hope she ends up just taking my sister, i wouldn't really enjoy that trip. or i would, i guess, but how much would i deserve it? at the end of the day, what do i really even deserve? not much, that's for sure. even if these little 'angry outbursts' are from bpd, or something that's not just me, it wouldn't change the fact that it makes me an asshole. maybe someday i'll be able to grab myself when i'm angry and just stop whatever happens next. but at this point bruises are the next best bet lol. plus they feel sorta good. but maybe thats bad because i don't deserve it. gosh i wish stuff made sense. i wish i knew why their messages stopped mattering, why i started being so careless, why i started caring at the beginning. i hope i never feel like that again. sickly sweet, that's what it was. so sweet, too sweet. i feel awful

and i feel awful for them. i hope they stop liking me, i really do. they don't deserve to have to deal with my mess, with me. maybe i'm the mess, i probably am, but does it really matter what is exactly wrong? no, it doesn't, just that the problems come with me. i kind of hope that they lie whenever they say they like me or they love me or i was their favorite. because having my own hopes crushed would kind of be better than them having to deal with my whims and paranoia and scenarios and whatever will end up happening. i wish i could tell them all this upfront. i really do. but i feel like it would hurt them, and i really don't want that. if i could go back, i would tell them what a mess i'd become, i'd warn them of everything. i'd warn myself too. i wish i never downloaded that, it kind of ruined everything. i hate getting this attached, i hate how much i love the attachment, i hate how much i love them. i adore them, it's awful. it makes me want to claw out my eyes, my stomach, my legs, empty them all out and make a quilt or something. instead of butterflies in my stomach it feels like roaches in my ribcage, crawling through my lungs and attaching themselves to my heart and chewing on the arteries, snacking on the blood that should be pumped to my brain. maybe that's why i feel so unreal, because i physically can't think! maybe i'm not getting enough oxygen. or maybe i'm spiralling again }

july 4 11:01 pm {i'm always conflicted over whether or not to actually hurt myself. there's always soemthing the next day that i have to look presentable for, and now it's summer i can't always hide things. especially not with this heat. i have work tomorrow and i know that my arm Probably won't heal all the way, but i didn't do too much yesterday so it's probably fine. the last time this happened, i scratched a lot and this one sweet girl at work asked what happened to my arm and i didn't know what to say. i ended up saying i fell or something along those lines, it definitely didn't make sense though. how do you even fall on your left forearm scratching a bunch of the skin off? i don't really know what i expect people to say ngl, nor do i know what they think. the only good thing about having stuff to stop me from hurting myself is it also stops my mom from wondering what happened, which is always the worst part. i still remember in 5th grade when she had to confront me about some poetry my english teacher called her about. worst two months ever, i could barely be in the same room as her without being scared she was going to ask about soemthing. worst part was it was during the whole covid stuff. like the first months of it. awful awful times

i know i should be happy that she cares for me and that she asks me to eat and that she worries about me but it's so awful to hear her be so angry while telling me. i love my mom so much but soemtimes i wish she wouldn't care about me so much. or at all for that matter. i'm such a bitch to her and i can't even snap myself out of anything in the moment. it always makes me feel so nasty and awful and it's always the worst when i get home from school. i'll yell at her in the car, storm up to my room, cry, scratch, sleep, and cry some more. then wait until she leaves the house or something to get some water or eat or soemthing. and then i'll her the next morning and we'll pretend everything's fine but it's not, and it hasn't been for forever. i wish she and everyone who's ever loved me could get away from my awful awful self because oh god if the way i treat myself is any sign, i should never be allowed near others. they should never ever be allowed to like me because of how awful i get when i'm upset. it's horrendous. makes me want to eat my vocal chords and rip out my hair and skin until my muscles show and i can see how physically weak i am. i genuinely hate me, and i don't know how other people don't.}

july 6, 12:29 am {lately i've been wondering if i would have been better off never meeting you. and i know that's an awful thing to say, especially considering how much i love (or loved, i can't tell anymore) you. but this constant wondering and thinking and hoping and disappointment keeps dulling me down and i don't know how to stop it. i've tried isolating. and failed. i can't go without seeing your icon, i've logged out and logged back in, pondered deleting the app, realized how awful that would be. i can't take it anymore, but i also can't stop. i wish you'd ask me how i am, like really asked. i wish you'd realize i wasn't ok, but who am i to care, i can barely do that for you. i twist everything to be self-centered, and i wish i didn't. i wish i didn't do a lot of things. i wish i weren't me.

i just realized earlier how awful it is that anyone could come and read this. although i don't know what else i'd expect, this is a public webpage and a public platform. but i guess that's how it always is with me. i want people to notice but i hate when they do, i want people to care but hate when they do, i want people to know me and like me and care about me but hate when they do. i hate feeling this way. i hate so much. maybe i am the hate. last night my sister had some friends over for a july 4th party, moving my couch a little further into the room. when it was 9 pm, and she didn't move it back, i got so angry. so upset i felt like i needed to claw out my hair to feel alright. but i moved it back after some grumbling and complaining, just a little. i can't help myself. i thought i'd done a good job of controlling my anger, keeping most of it in. not destroying anything (other than the obvious. Lol.), not screaming too much, just fixing what had to be done. but then, apparently, that wasn't good enough. and i get why, but it's just the most invalidating thing in the world to hear your strongest attempts be put aside because of an outside view. i wish my mom understod. i wish i understood. i wish i were different.}

july 6, 1:02 pm {she saw my arm, she saw the scratches that barely even exist and she got mad. i understand why, at least a little, but slapping them and threatening to cancel something i'm not even that excited for is not the way to go, i think. she called my best friend stupid and weird and crazy. we're basically the same person ngl. she wonders why i don't tell her anything, but what even is there to tell? i can't tell anyone anything that actually matters. if i told her about my stupid possible beautiful princess disorder i do Not think she'd be happy. she'd probably think it was an excuse. fun fact tho: i was born on national princess day Lol. maybe it was preordained. anyways if she didn't think it was an excuse, she'd probably force me back into therapy again or something along those lines. which would suck. i hated therapy. honestly mostly my fault because i was never honest, which was probably part of the reason we never actually did anything. i also blamed a lot of stuff on my mom. i think i just gaslighted my therapist into thinking i was a fine and dandy and good person (probably also made her think i had like the Uhh superiotit complex or somehting. which i might've at that point Ngl). we never got anywhere and we just cancelled at some point because my mom asked if it was helping. i think i'm also scared of Not Actually having bpd because that would mean i'm just like this, would mean i'm just an awful person. still true, but at least i have a reason to understand why.}

july 6 11:33 pm {luckily she didn't force me into anything. not exactly at least. she said if my arm doesn't heal by monday we're not going on the trip we've been planning for a while now. which wouldn't be too bad if she just went with my sister, i need some alone time from the both of them ngl. but she said she'd straight up cancel the whole thing. i don't really know what she thinks she's doing. because i Don't think threatening 2 take one of the only things i've been looking forward to for a while will help Ngl. but to be fair it'd probably be okay if i didn't go. really only want to go for the plane and trains LOL. anyways Now i have a reason 2 force me to stop scratching which i guess is a good thing but goodness typing this now all i want to feel is the burning from friction on my arm, gosh it felt so good. bad things always feel so good. like their attention makes me feel SO GOOD in the moment but looking back on it or thinking about it always gets me absolutely terrified. i don't even think they like me anymore which, again, is probably a good thing. but i was thinking, and no matter what happens i'll feel awful. they still like me? i'm a horrible influence and will end up hurting them! they don't like me anymore? you're an awful person who must have done something bad to end this 'relationship' or whatever it is. someone a couple days ago insisnuated that it Was a relationship which terrified me a lot. }

july 8 11:53 pm { i think i'm ok now !! idk what happened but i think i don't care anymore ????? idk im scared this won't last but i'll see LOLOLOL. been listening 2 some silly tunes lately RLYYY upset my music page isnt working rn but hopefully utll fix itself idk. Omg listen 2 i ❤ harajuku by alice longyu gao and fraxiom omg omg omg its SO GOOD ok Byeeee ! }

july 14, 9:37 pm { i feel like im goong insane again. forgive spelling mistakes i am codinf on a phone in a hotel bed in vienna. shit's not going too great, feel like kay em essing rn. genehinely awful. i dont even know what happened. bought a bracelet and broke it within like 4 days. too much has happened and i havent been able to be alone in almost a week. i should be fine but i am so not. everything hurts and i cant be by myself and i'm with my mom and everythinf is pretty awful. im across the world but i feel ten times worse not gonna lie. ive seen so nuch but i feel so stupid i hate this. i hate me, i hate my legs and my shoulders and my lips and my face and my heart and my head and my stomach and my chest and my feet and my eyes and my ears and my hands and everything about me. i hate the way i cant eat without feeling like an absolute fatass pigwhale mammoth creatue but i cant drink enough water to fill me up and im always checked up on to make sure im eating at least once a day but even thats been too much lateky. i wish i werent me and i wish i was prettier and smarter, or not wven smarter. i wish i was dumber and better and more normal and average and just normal. i wish i liked normal things and had a normal body and normal eyes and normal dislikes and normal habits and a normal room and normal grades and a normal life and normal wants and a normal family and normal relationships and a normal brain. i wish i could feel better about myself but i know i cant. i cant even be helped because i cant be alone abd i cant go out in a way that will help.

im not a good person. kind of opposite not goong to lie. i think if i were Anyone else i would do awful awful things. if i werent so scared of other people or what rhey thought of me. i think id do unspeakably evil things if i didnt care, im always lookibg for loopholes. i care but i really dont and idk if i ever will. i think in anofher universe i would probabky kill a lot of people. i dont know. i really just want to hurt nyself tho. i really just want to be alone so fhe only person i CAN hurt is me. no one else really deserves what i do. i wish i could do spmething now, but my mom is three feet away. i wish i were 4 feet to my left. }

august 2, 1:30 pm { quite a few things have happened since i last edited this. some good and lately bad. i think ive completely stopped obsessing over them which is a good thing, but it's completely gone. and they still exist and i don't know if i should tell them or just hope that it happens to them too. i just dont wanna hurt them still and i dont know what i would say other than 'hey i had an unhealthy obsession with yuou that's now ended and now you're just someone in my computer, sorry dude!'. that sounds awful. id rather like. continue playing along than send whatever THAT is. but now i dont have anything to really care about and ive just started stressing over school and stuff that i cant really control which isnt too great. i feel like im about to spiral or do something not great again but i dont really feel anything. i can sense absolute tension building up within me but i dont feel anything, emotion-wise. idk what im gonna do this time, because i normally find something to obsess over and it fixes it. but i dont really want to do that, especially not with school coming up. maybe ill focus everything into getting good grades. i dont know.

i think 9th grade will kill me. maybe not really cause me to die and be gone, but itll definitely kill some part of me. maybe optimism or effort or motivation or something. not sure. but i know it will not have a good effect on me. ive barely recovered from last year but school starts in like 3 weeks and idk how im gonna be able to feel good in this short of time. especially not with work twice a week. god idk how im gonna survive real life if i can barely handle being a student. idk how im gonna survive high school if ive barely been surviving the other school years. i better be able to get smarter too, or at least be ready to put more effort into school. i havent been giving 100% ever and ive been able to pretty well, but it has not made me feel well at all. if i have to put a lot of effort in i might as well be dead, or at least my energy or motivation or something. idk. if someone has any tips on keeping yourself prepared for school please let me know. i hope no one reads this though. its so embarassing.

i think the worst part is im not able to really tell anyone about this. if someone tried to help me or give me advice, chances are i wouldnt be able to follow the advice because its 'too mcuh work' or some other stupid excuse i give. im not even pretty enough 4 this Suffering 2 be like. in any way cool or something. i cant romanticize any of whats happening right now, or ever. nothing in the moment ever sounds good or anything and if i try to 'romanticize' it, i just end up sounding like a fool trying to make up things. which i guess i am but it feels godawful knowing that im just making shit up. school's probably going to get so much harder this year and im so not ready. im probably going to have to finally drop out of enriched math because i cant study good enough or just fail spanish to get dropped down to a lower level, even if i love the class. im too dumb to be put in any of these things, and idk who decided any of them would be good ideas for me. school sucks and i hate it. }

august 4, 2023 {i dont even know what to write right now, i just know i feel awful. i dont feel anything and ive been crying for a while and i dont know whats happening. theres too much death and hurt in the world. too many genocides and too many mass murders and killings and homocide and so much anger and hate and hunger for power. everyone wants power, and those who have it 'need' to keep it. theres too much pain in the world, i dont know how its possible. idk how its possible to live normally knowing that thers probably someone out of the 8 billion people on this planet being tortured or harmed against their will and theres probably someone being killed and a new accident has probably just happened. there's too much death in the world. theres too much death and sadness and pain and anger and negativity and theres a lot of good things too but theres not enough and idk if there ever will be. when im at my happiest someone is being hurt, and idk how im supposed to deal with that. idk how to help, or if theres even any way to help. how am i supposed to stop motor vehicle accidents, or plane crashes, or propoganda, or anything. how am i supposed to help at all. im 14, i barely go outside, i cant read about this stuff without crying. a girl in my sister's grade died yesterday and the world is going to keep turning.

i feel like it shouldnt. someone's daughter died yesterday, someone's best friend. and this happens every day, im sure it does. but it shouldnt. and theres so few ways to prevent it other than telling someone not to do something. dont drink and drive! be careful! wear a seatbelt! but none of those things matter if youre the only one doing it. theres no way to guarantee everyone is doing the right thing. and there's no way everyone is. i wonder how many nazis actually believed in those policies and how many were coerced. i want to look up the percentage but i really dont. it probably doesnt even exist, theres probably not a way to tell. why is there so much hate in the world? why does everyone hate someone, how does everyone hate someone? i really dont know how the world can keep going when horrible awful things happen everyday. although i guess space doesnt really care about people, gravity will keep moving and planets will keep spinning. god i feel awful. this is so dumb, im writing on my stupid little website about how bad someone else's death makes me feel. Rest in peace. }

august 18, 2023, 8:22 pm {i really thought i was making progress. it's been 2 weeks since my last entry. i was so proud, i told panini about it, i thought i was getting better and now im listening to the rip and feeling like ive cracked back into a million pieces after piecing together 999,999 of them. i dotn know why i do this, i wish i did. and i know tomorrow im going to be asked why i do this, and i wont have an answer. and thats obviously not acceptable. which i understand, to a degree, but i dont understand why people would think i choose to feel this way if i knew how to stop it. and i dont, and thats the worst part. maybe i should go try therapy again, but i know i wouldnt let it work. at least not without some sort of INcentive, which is an awful way to think about getting better. i wanted to get better for them, but they made me worse than i couldve ever imagined. and now im without them by my own choice, and im still feeling awful. i dont know if ill ever get better.

maybe i do have bpd. maybe i do, its quite possible. i wouldnt be too surprised if i found out, especially not after experiencing so much and feeling so much and splitting on a monitor. maybe there's a way to feel better, but i dont know if medication would even help. if i even had it i dont think id end up taking it, i hate pills with a burning passion. i dont even take my vitamins, but what else is new. i guess i just want to know whats wrong with me so i can relish in some sort of group, relate to some posts or some other thing. i want to feel like im understood but that might feel worse. plus if i knew id feel obligated to feel better. which i dont even think is possible at this point. ive been like this since i was foiur.

i remember coming home from preschool and screaming at everyone, throwing temper tantrums over the littlest things and taking out all my anger on my poor parents, and my sister, and everyone who's worked so hard for me. i dont even know what it was all for. ive tried to make excuses by saying i just bottled up all my anger over kids at school but i dont think thats true. what can happen in preschool? i hate being liek this and i hate not being able to stop. i almost tore apart my whole room fifteen minutes ago. thank god i was somehow able to stop myself. at least i can say what i need to say on this awful awful webpage. im so sorry to whoever's reading this. i hope you feel well. i hope you feel better.}

august 27, 3:38 pm { ive left my room twice today; once to get my homework, and once to put it back. ive eaten 1 rice pudding container. i am so hungry. i want water so bad but i wont get it. i dont want to see my mom and i dotn want to go downstairs. everytime i think ive gotten better i get so much worse, its awful. god i want to hurt myself in so many ways but its so embarassing. and it doesnt even hurt enough in the places no one would see. god i hate this. not even this, i just hate me. i hate the way i cause such intense turmoil for days or weeks, and how i dont even do anything to fix it. i hate how this happens over and over again and i dont change anything. i hate that itll only get worse.

i really should probably start going to therapy, but thats just expensive and i doubt it would work. i do not ever wany to tell anyone about what i do and how insufferable i am. id end up making them pity me and its awful. done that repeatedly and its horrible. horrendous. and then when i try and isolate people, they just push harder in trying to help. its only gonna hurt them more. and me, i guess. which might be good, but they dont deserve it. i wish getting help was easier, but its just so bad and awful and embarassing. i dont even know who to ask or wht to say. i doubt anyone would take my thoughts that i May have an incredibly awful cluster b oersonality disorder, especially since i spend so much time online. and being told that i actually dont have anything wrong with me, that im just awful and like this, would be so terrible. i think id rather feel awful like this than feel awful about knowing that its all on purpose. it doesnt feel like i do it purposefully, but who knows. i sure wouldnt. }

september 2, 9:44 am { oh my god im getting worse. im so angry. its not even internal anymore. i ripped 4 ties, i threw two soap bottles (one broke and the soap leaked everywhere), i completely just ripped apart a paper towel i chucked a gatorade bottle (empty luckily) i threw a cowbell i dropped a dyson hair thing or whatever i threw skittles all oer my sisters room i moved everything back to the way it was i almost threw my dolls off their position im getting so much worse. its not internal anymore. i cant just hold it in. i heard some girls talking about a rage room at school last week. they said they wanted to go. i want to go to a rage room. i need to go. im going to end up punching a hole in my wall if i dont. i need help i need peace i need to relax i need to calm down but i cant and i dont know when i ever will. i think this is the earliest ive ever done this. god im so messed up. thank god for music. if i heard the fan i think id go insane. i cut my hair a couple days ago. i like it a lot but its so messed up. one side is ever so slightly longer than the other and i know it but everyone ive asked says it looks fine. i hate it. i want to rip all the hair off my head but id look even uglier bald. i ripped some hair off yesterday. it felt so good. god i need help }

septmbere 5, 8:48 am { this is in class. i didnt write it yesterday. it was awful. i never want to eat again, i dont deserve it. i wish i didnt have to do anything for myself. i dont know how much im gonna be able to write today. class is gonna be rough. i hope we write in english today. }

september 5, 10:38 pm { im afraid. i dont want to fail a quiz. this is my 2nd week of high school. im going to fail this spanish quiz im so afraid. i hate how i cant ever do anything. today im goign to study as much as i can and finish my math and do as much as possible. i cant do this as often as i do. i want to be better i want to do good. i dont want people thinking im smart but i want to do well and i want to succeed. i need to do good i need to do better. i need to be smart and do good in life. i cant leave my house and have my family cut contact just to be a drug addict who takes any attention she can get. it might happen. probably will. oh well. }

september 9, 9:53 am { whatever i wrote up here yesterday on my phone didnt save. i dont know whether to be happy or sad about it. i ended up going to bed at 5 pm last night though. woke up at 10, took some melatonin, and woke up again at 2: 50 am. ended up staying it bed until like 9. im so afraid all over again. and i know i should be happy for them, and i absolutely am, but i cant stop thinking about the fact that theyre going to stop talking to me soon. im so afraid. i dont know anyone else as well as i know them. its awful. i hope they dont read this. thats a recurring theme, i guess. idk. i guess i was always going to have to find another friend, but i dont know. i hope we dont drift away but its just too likely for me not to think about it. im so scared for when it happens.

yearbook pictures also came out yesterday. and everyone else looked fine, most of them looked pretty good for what tehy were saying. looking at all the pictures, mine stood out so horribly much. the only one with her hair in a ponytail, the way my face felt so uncanny and unhuman, how my eyebrows looked almost contorted. my hair looked like a literal birdsnest, and i dont know what to do. i dont think it should matter, and i dont know why everyone this year was so keen on seeing them so early. either way, i felt like crying when i saw mine. i hate being such an ugly girl. but i know i wont do anything to be prettier. because no matter how much i care, i only really care because of how people see me. but that shouldnt matter. right?? or maybe it should. gosh i wish i liked the same things pther girls liked, cared about the same things they did, found the same things funny. had similar hobbies, had similar things that mattered to me. the most interesting facts about me are that i have a typewriter and i can rollerskate. i hate me so much. }

september 17, 6:48 pm { everything that i learn about u makes me feel so bad and it hurts. makes my stomach tie itself into knots and force me to hurt and almost go feral, i need to move. i want to help so bad, but, really, what can i even do? its not like i can change people's lives and everyone they interact with. i wish i knew u better, i wish u told me more, i hope u dont read this, i know u will. if theres anything i can help with, let me know. i do wish we went to the same school. i wish i wasnt sick. i wish i knew what u meant more. i probably shouldnt have read any of that. i dont even know if its about me, kind of doubt it is. btu i want to help and now i feel worse knowing what i shouldnt have. i know ignorance is bliss. i just tend to forget it when i need to remember it. if we did live next door to each other, i wonder if we would be better or worse friends. i hope the former. i wish we did. i hope we keep talking, i hope u dont forget me, i hope we stay friends. i hope u dont forget me. }

september 18 9:09 pm { i domt think ive ever wanted to just disappear more than i do now. or i guess been in such a state where i will do it. the drawer to my left has a bottle of clorox spray. i could chug a little and itd all be over by tomorrow. i wouldnt have to do any of my tests. id never have to feel this way again. id never have to hurt a bunch of people. maybe one or two. i doubt it would really matter. maybe it would. i wouldnt be around for any of it though. just part of the 9%. im locked in a bathroom. shef never know until it wouold be too late. i just need the courage. if i do it, im so sorry. if i dont, im sorry too. }

september 19 11:07 am { im still alive. im here. in physics class. not feeling anymore. hungry. i hope i can do something with them today. i need to study. i had to run today. im so hungry. i want to go home, im so tired. i went to bed without doing anything. i woke up at 7:30 with the room lights in my face. i hate those lights, i never turn them on. i wanted to hide back in my bathroom. but i have school. and she has a key now. }

september 21 8:05 am { sleepycore to the max. went to bed @ 4:45 pm last night, woke up at like 4 am this morning. i love melatonin gummies ❤. i cant wait for the weekend. i want to sleep more. i cant wait to go home and sleep. maybe this will be my routine for a while. go home. sleep. wake up. go to school. sleep. that might be easy. we'll see. i want to get better, but i dont think i ever will. i hope i do }

september 21, 8:48 pm { i dont know when its gonna get better. everyday i keep thinking 'tomorrow is gonna be fine and dandy and everything's gonna be okay' but its not. i wish i could just be left alone. im gonna end up sleeping this entire weekend. maybe if i dont eat at all tomorrow itll be fine. maybe i just need to scare her into letting me do things. or maybe i just do them. what is she gonna do, really ? punish me when i get home ? whatever. itd probably end up worse in the long run. i might just have people come over here. she didnt say anything about that, after all. just that i wasnt allowed to go anywhere. oh well. we'll survive. somehow. even if it means sleeping for 24 hours straight.

i really dont know why im overreacting this much anyways. being grounded is kind of normal. especially for breaking stuff. but. i dont know. it just hurts so much inside and all it makes me want to do is break more stuff. i dont see what part of that she doesnt understand. i really dont get it. i want to tell her everything, but i really, really dont. i never want to tell her about all the things i think. and then id end up going to a psychiatrist and lying and saying that everythings fine because i dotn want to say anything to her. i hate her little 'i love you's after telling me things that ruin my day, her little attempts to care and make peace that so blatantly will not work, the way she acts as if i know whats going on any more than she does, how she still doesnt remember the little things that are so obviously bigger things. but who cares anymore. im going to go to bed. and praying i dont get my math test back tomorrow. }

october 1, 9:13 pm { i dont know if ive ever been this terrified and scared and ancious before. i feel like my stomach is going to rip itself out of my skin. i dont know how im supposed to go to sleep right now. i have school in the morning. and work. but not the new job. i really want to quit this new job. i really really really do. im so scared of everything there. im scared of the people im scared of these "coworkers" im scared of the building im scared of leaving. im scared of failing. im scared because i dont know what to do at all. i feel like a deer in headlights every time im tgere. i hate that im the only girl i hate how i cant be me i hate having to be so preofrssional. i hate how people think im older than i am. i hatr how they expect me to do better because they think in older. i hate that i cant do and be better. i hate having to suck at absolutely everything, i hate this so much. i hate not knowing what to do or where to be. i hate that no one told me anything.

i think the thing j hate the most is that i feel so diffierent. i feel like such an absolute outsider. like i just dont belong at all. i hate how nothing there really seems right and im supposed to do normal stuff but i also kind of cant. i hate how much training there is and how getting it wrong makes me want to killl myself. i hate how everytime i think of goong back i start scratching again. i hate how people are going to see the scratches. i hate how if i dont get the courage to take off my borthday id have to work then. i hate being bad at everything. everyone there seems to know what theyre doing and what to say. and i dont. }

october 11, 7:24 pm { every time i think its getting worse. and i mena every single time. i got a 68 on a math wuiz. i wanted to kill myself. i still do. i want to ram a knife in my throat or goige out my eyes or cut up my legs. i can settle for ripping u my arms. i can settle. i feel like im going to scream . in spamish all i wanted to do was rip my face off my head. i just want to be gone. i want to know what people would do if i was gone, i dont care how selfish it is. i dont wanna go to school tomorrow. i took 4 melatonin gummies. goodnight }

october 12, 10:29 { 24hr no food challenge going swell. hvanet eaten since lunch yesterday. im so tired. i feel awful. i never wanna do anythign ever again. i feel so so so so so awful. im gonna go home after work today and go to bed. im so tired. i have physics and history next. im going to die. i was thinking i should make a plan. theres so many ways i could do it. i need to ask them how theyd think though. id feel awful if it hurt them. i dont want to hurt them. i just dont want to worry. theres too much that could go wrong. god. i should make a plan. }

october 17, 7:55 pm { im so tired. im so tired and im so nervous. i dont think ive woken up feeling good in so long. i havent felt good in so long. the moments always go by too fast, and im immediately flung back into my nervousness and pain. everything has hurt so much this week. its only tuesday. i have to go to work tomorrow, which should be fine, except im stupid and forgot to fill in my schedule for the week. i bet they already think im incapable, that cant help my case. i hate everything right now. i have a math test in two days. a spanish test after that. then a history quiz, then a physics test, and an english quiz. its too much. i need one week where im not expected to do anything, im not expected to be a person. i need a week where i can talk to someone and they can tell me its ok. i need someone to tell me im doing okay, but theres no one who will. at least not truthfully, not without biases. i dont know. i just need to know that. i dont know. i cant survive thinking that im an absolute blundering idiot, but thats how life has been going lately. i need to be able to understand things, i need to be able to think straight. i need to go to therapy i think. it would help. i just dont want to ask and i dont want to pay for it and im afraid it wouldnt help. im afraid it would just make things worse. but i dont know how much worse things can get.

i dont know. i dont even feel that awful right now, but i can tell i will soon. i can feel the knot in my stomach tangling itself more and more. i hope it stops before i get even worse. lately ive been wondering a lot about what would happen if i just disappeared. i guess more dying than disappearing though. ive wondered who would be sad, and i dont know who beyond a couple people ive known for forever and my family. which makes me feel a little good in some sick way, knowing i wouldnt be hurting too many people if i did disappear. but i dont want to hurt those couple of people at all. i dont know if they could take it. i dont want to find out. i wish i could just be gone from life but still able to talk to them and interact and live my life, just without the pressures of actually living it. i think i need some help. but i dont have time and i dont have the energy. i dont have the mind to explain myself to anyone else. i dont know what i would do if someone told me i was just like this. i want to have an excuse, no matter how awful it sounds. i want to be able to tell myself that i cant control it when i know i probably could if i tried a little harder. i dont know. nothing has felt right lately. but then again, when has anything ever ?

i think i should ask my mom if she could find me a therapist. it would definitely be good for me. i just dont know how i would be able to handle it. i dont how she would be able to handle it. id just feel really lame. but then again maybe it would be better off in the long run. maybe it would help me fix everything im dealing with. that wont happen though. im just idealizing at this point. i really hate school. maybe i should text her about it, but then its in writing. i dont know. i should start planning though. }

october 18, 12:13 pm { i am so nervous. every part of my body feels like its going to explode. my stomach feels like eating itself alive again. i really really wish i could break a bone or something so i wouldnt have to do anything for a bit. and i would have an excuse. i asked my mom about starting therapy back again, and she basically told me the only reason im Like This is because i dont take my vitamins. which might be true but it feels insane. and ive been like this much longer than ive had to take supplements. much longer. i dont know. i just need. i need a break or something. and i know it wont happen. i dont know, im so tired and im in so much pain. i cant even talk to people normally anymore its so bad. i dont know how im supposed to live like this. im always in so much fear and nothing has ever helped. i cant explain whats wrong because thereds barely ever an actual reason that im not just exaggerating. i dont know what im supposed to do. i dont know what i should expect of myself. i dont know if i expect too much or too little and im so worried. i am so worried all the time}

october 18, 7:58 pm { im just getting eorse. its all getting so so so much worse. i cant do this anymore. i really really want to have a reason for disappearing. because i dont wanna wuit this job, i do enjoy it. the only thing i want to quit is school. which is the only thing i cant. my arms are bleeding now, and i need them to bleed more. i need sharper nails that cut faster. i need new headphones and i need a new brain. i need a new brain so badly. im so tired. maybe i should take more melatonin. maybe i should od on that. maybe

october 23, 7:01 pm { idk what happened. one momet i was fine. one site later i want to scratch every living breathing part of my body until all you can see are bloodied marks. i dont know. i love neocities, i love finding people that are similar to me. i hate that i dont know them and i never can. i hate being young but feeling old, so old. i hate how people think im older. i hate how im not older. i hate how. i dont know. this senior asked me if i was a freshman today because she 'couldnt tell'. i dont know what that meant. all i know is its stuck with me all day. ive been thinking so much today. i hate how i relate more to older people and i feel more akin to them than kids in my grade. i hate reading people talk about their teenage selves as if they were 'young' and just a 'kid' because ive never felt that way. i have never felt young, i have never felt clueless. even whe i think about the youngest memories i have, of pre-k and others, i was never clueless. i was never oblivious. there was always something about me that the other kids didnt have. i tell people i didnt have friends in lower school because i didnt want them, but i think theres another reason. i dont know. i think i busied myself enough with just thinking. i wish i could feel young, even if for just a little while. i hate how the things that make me feel right and whole (jobs) make me seem weird and strange and an overachiever. i hate seeing kids in the older grades at work, them doing schoolwork while i teach little kids how to add. i hate how they look at me in the halls, i hate how i recognize all of them and look more. i was thinking, also, earlier, i stare way too much. i get so uncomfortable when others stare, even look at me, but i do it all the time. im an observer.

that in and of itself isnt a new realization, but its a new dislike. i dont know. i used to like just looking, just thinking, just seeing and wondering and knowing. but now i just feel awful. i just feel stupid and young and worse than ever. i dont know why i hate this so much. i dont know how to make it better, i dont know if i can. i realy really really wish i were normal. my sister said i run weird earlier. i bet she's right. i dont think i do anything normally. no one else uses a custom made multipen to take a history quiz they didnt study for and submitted first. no one cares. i dont know. maybe im just a teenager and having teenager emotions and feeling strange, but i dont know anymore. i feel like if this were normal people would think more. but i dont see anyone do that. i dont know. i dont think i like people all that much. well, thats a lie. i love people. i love humans i love all the stuff they do to make themselves fele better, i love how other people can bring so much joy, i love how people work sometimes. but im nto apart of any of it. i dont feel the same way they all do. i dont. and i dont think theres really anythign that could change it honestly. every time i even vaguely try to be like other girls, every time i try to look pretty, i just feel worse than before. i saw someone say that 'trying to be pretty feels like cosplaying a pretty person', and thats right. thats exactly what it is

ive also been thinking about love. i really want it. i really want it in its purest form, i want to be unconditionally loved by someone. by anyone, honestly. i dont care what kind. i dont care if someone loves me platonically, just as a friend, or if theres some sickening desire, some disgusting carnal want that i could fulfill. i dont know. i just want someone to want me. i think thats going to get me into trouble eventually. everytime i meet someone new im imagining what would happen if i was wanted by them. and i hate ir so much and i need it to stop and i need to stop it. but its just such a nice thought. to thijk that maybe someone could want me. its so awful. i hate feeling like this. i hate thsi so much. i havent even wanted to eat lately. im just not. nothing has tasted good. i have to do some writing. i dont think im gonna go to sleep until late tonight }

october 31, 8:47 pm { god i hate nyself. i hate myself for being jeslous, for hating, for not being ok. i hate that i cant take things as they are. i hate that i cant make friends. i hate thst im generally unlikable snd weird, i hate that idk how to fix it snd that i dont wven rly care enough to fix it. i hate that theyre so nuch better than i am in so many ways, i hate that theyre cooler snd more likesble and overall better. i hate that im just like this. i hate that no one likes me, i hate that i want to be liked. i hate how i cant just think people are neutral towards me, i hate that i cant be neutral to others. i hate that my thoughts to others sre completeky baded upn what they think og me. i hate that thats reflected back onto them. i hate the say i go about my life, i hate how im laying in bed on halloween dresding tomorrow. i hate hating

i hate ghat im jealous of their new friends. in so scared for the inevitable fallout that will happen between us. ive never been as good of friends with snyone else. or i giess slmost anyone. but then i was hiding all but one side of nw. this is the most realest friendship ive ever had . i cant lose it, and yet its gonna happen. everything comes to an end, anywyas. im so scared for if they end up reading this. they probably will, which is super embarazsing not going to lie. ifk. i widh i were more confident, i wish there were more people i didnt find utterly replusive. }

november 3 10:06 am { Ugh i feel so much worse. my entire body feels like its been coated in slime and run through a rock tumbler, all my bones feel sticky and gropss and jolty. yuck. i want to see my friend today. but i dont know. i really want to, but idk. i dont even know if they Like me anymroe. im so strange and weird. Ive gotten even more clingy and its so bad. i hate acting like me, i hate being like this. it really just makes me want 2 kms. ive been thinking about that way too much lately. its probably my period but god it feels so awful i hate feeling like this. i hate being like this. gosh. i hope i get something good feeling today. i hope i feel better. it probably wont happen. oh well. a girl can dream. }

november 3 10:42 pm { i hate working. i hate the way it makes me feel. i hate feeling so incapable and stupid. i hate being stressed every day. i feel like im going to get fired soon. i suck at my job. i dont command respect at all, and it shows. i always need help. its been a month working at this place and im already falling behind. i hate being so stupid and so young and bad at everything. i really really hate this. how i want to stop working will never compare to how much i dont want to be fired. i want to ask them why they hired me so bad. i dont get it. i dont get why anyone would hire someone who legally cant even drive themself to or from a workplace. or anywhere for that matter. i dont get it at all. but im too scared to ask, and i dont even know who i would ask. and im scared of the answer id get. i dont really want to know.

for all i know, they only hired me because i looked mature and i go to one of the "best" all girls schools in town. but that doesnt make sense. if i were running a place where the main objective is teaching kids, i would require a little more experience for that. and age. i would not respect someone not even 4 years older than me. not one bit. or, i guess thats a lie. i respect everyone, im too scared not to. i just know the average kid doesnt. i just feel so so so bad wasting these people's money, and wasting these kids's time. they should be learning when they go get tutored, not just sitting there asking for help. i feel bad for the kids, and the older people who have to help me, and the people who hired me, and the floor manager or whatever his title is. i hate it so much. i hate everything about it. and theres nothing i can do to feel better. nothing at all.

to be fair i dont really think anything positive they tell me would help at all. i would just feel like theyre lying to me more and more. and i hate that part the most. i hate that i cant just be content with something. i ahte that i cant talk to people normally. even my 'thank you's go unheard because im just too quiet and i cant talk to people older than i am. i dont even know why. it sucks so much though. i think i will literally combust if i ever have to go against one of them for any reason at all. i think i will combust if i ever have to say more than a few words, or maybe a couple sentences. i hate the abnormal word combinations i use and how im not charismatic. and even when there is a chance to ask my questions, i just dont. im too scared. i hate it so much. earlier today i was trying to calm my nerves by roller skating (my mom said i should channel all that nervous energy in a different way), but the more i skated the worse i felt. the pit in my stomach just grew and grew. even this isnt helping anymore. there is quite literally no way for me to get out my nerves. i am just stuck like this. and i wish i werent, i wish i were normal so bad. i dont even care if it would be boring, i just want to be a normal girl. i dont want to be special, i dont want to be anywhere but the middle of the bell curve. i want to be normal. i want to be a normal girl. i want to be a normal girl so bad }

november 16 10:06 am { i feel so awful. img onna break down soon i just know it. i hate the time around my birthday. everything goes wrong. one of my best friends might suppoirt an organization that essentially wants me dead. im gonna kill myself i hate this so much. and i have to have a birthday party too. i hate my birthday so much. another year older. 10 times dumber. its awful. and every year its the same. and nothing ever changes and im still as stupid andtired and lame and ugly as i was the year before. this sucks so much. i really feel awful. and i cant skip anymore. i had a dream about skipping school and work and all the stupid stuff last night. i woke up feeling like i do now. i hate my birthday.

november 17 9:56 pm { i hate my birthday. always have. it makes me so sad. last year was the same way. and the year before. and the year before. and for as long as i can remember. i hate thwm, i hate being older but being so much stupider and so much worse and just so bad. alwas marks another year of doing nothing and going nowhere. physically, mentally, socially, emotionally. i just feel worse. and its not gonna change, and i know that. this is my last day of being 14, the last 2 hours ill ever get as a 14 year old. and i havent done anything this whole year. i remember last birthday like it was yesterday. it really felt like it was. time is going so so so fast and im just slowing down. ive been wondering how long ill live so much lately. i wonder if ill make it past 18. 21? 25? will i go to college? will i graduate high school? will i get my drivers license? will i ever have alcohol, will i ever have love? do i want any of that? i dont know. all i want is to know, and yet i never do. thats the only thing ive gotten more sure of on my birthday. i dont know anything. }

december 4, 8:02 pm { i can feel myself getting worse. getting more paranoid, more fearful, more worrisome. more justified. more pained, more tired. i keep thinking they hate me. all of them. i keep thinking im stupid (theres proof now) and i keep thinking im gonna fall down and not get back up. im very worried, and this week isnt helping. and i know next week will be even worse. i cant do this, but i have to. its like when i worry about stuff weeks in advance; i dont do anything to help it, so i just end up bearing it. and it sucks while i do. and i feel like im gonna lose my connections and lose my outlets and im going to lose the only people stopping me. and its going to happen. i just dont know when.

we're losing touch. i can feel it. theres no more conversation. we barely talk. its painful to send a message. i hate it. and i knew it was gonna happen, and i know that at some point all of it will be gone. its going slowly right now though. and i dont know when it will fully fade. but im scared. im so scared. }

december 8, 7:12 pm { happened faster than i expected. i dont even know what to say, to respond with. i guess this weekend will be the deciding point. i hate this so much. so close for so long, and yet its winter once again. second time this has happened. first time it hurt, but this hurts more. fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me, they say. fall out once, not your fault. second time, might as well throw yourself to the wolves. i dont know what to do. i dont know what i can do. i wonder if this is just how things are supposed to go. they showed me song for barbara payton. might as well rename it to song for me.

i had a dream they were in last night. they were telling me they had a girlfriend or something, and it made me so inexplainably angry. i slept so bad last night, i wonder why. when i woke up i remmebered my dream, and i still do. i was dreaming of work, and people, and stuff i was afraid of. it was an awful dream. wgen i woke up i started thinking about the first thing i said here. i wondered why it made me so angry, and i still do. i wasnt even angry, it was more... frustrated, depressingly frustrated and upset. i dotn know how i woud describe it, but i know it was awful. and i feel the same way now. i wonder if this is just another part of my bpd ponderings, if im so afraid theyve found a new person to replace me (probably have not gonna lie), if its gonna start eating me from the inside out. i feel the same way i did with the first person i fell out with. i cant be me anymore, i need to please them and prove im perfect, im better. i need to be more likeable. but i cant say anything. i might try to. i hope we dont lose touch, but we already have. i dont have anyone else }

december 8, 8:03 pm { told them about it. might throw up. might start scratching again. all i know is i deserve pain right now. i hope i can get it. }

december 13, 9:34 pm { on my phone again. too cold and too late ot be up but whatever. i thought i was doing better ag work but now i jusg feel so much worse. i feel stupid and lame and bad and lazy. i want to help but theres so much stuff i feel like i cnat do because im always so tired. and i feel so bad for this one guy bht i dont even know why . its not like i can say anything wither. i wonder if working gets less tiring. i wonder if when i grow okder ill get more jormal and less exhausted all the damn time. i hope someday i will never ever feel nauseuous or bad before work again. i hope someday i dont stare jn the mirror b4 qork pindering if i look ok. and i dont, but theres not anything i cna actually do. except there is. and theres so much stuff i forget to do and so much stuff i wanan rip at my eyeballs but im just so tired. i wonder if everyine is alsays this tired. i hope ot god no one else is living like this. }

december 15, 6:14 pm { song for barbara payton is a song titled after a woman who used to be very much famous, yet who ended her life in misery. song for barbara payton describes feeling abandoned and alone, and desiring for it to all end to faster, rather than a slow end to a long lasting period of time. song for barbara payton has become all too painful to listen to lately. the language and the feel of the song hurt my heart. im not very much friends with any of my friends anymore. im worried for the new year. i wish i could forget all of this and either find new friends or be normal and just act like nothings changed. but im positive it has, and im not sure whta i did to do this. im not sure if it was me at all. we've been together for 5 hours now, and we've spent the last two hours sitting in silence, tv on, no talking between us. im not sure if its just late, or its been a long week, but it has absoluteky been ripping me to shreds. i cant do this anymore. but its chrisymas break, and not talking to anyone for three weeks surely has its negative effects. }

i wish i were a normal girl who liked and did normal girl things

---2024---

january 11, 7:56 { first entry of the new year. woo. been feeling insufferable lately. at school at home with friends. everytwhere. freling like an absolute waste of space. like a typical ungrateful bitch. like ur average teenager. feelinf awful and disgusting. feeling irresponsible and bleak. incompetent and stupid. nothing has been all too great but everythings been good. its all too ok and i feel awful. nothing is normal and i dont know why. wkndering how to feel better, how to feel more. my coice isnt my own, i feel awful when i hear it but i cant stop talking. its as if another's voicebox has been implanted in my throat, bever ceasing hntil i rip it out

on my phone if u couldnt tell. wanted to crochet but cant. i think i had too much caffeine today, but i want to fall asleep so badly. cant wait for the weekend. i wish i never had to go to school. i hate it so much. i hate school i hate work i hate howm. dont even know where i like anymore. or what. everything just seems like an endless cycle oc upset and rage and regret and repeat. with a few spikes of insaity here and there. its aixkening. i feel like i should be granted a lifenof peace after enduring this. and yet thsi isnt even that bad. i keep thinking about whats happening in israel and gaza tight now. everything hurts. had to delete my news app october 10 because i was goinf so insane. i cant think abt it without wanting to rip my skull from my head. everything abt it beings me closer and i hate every part of it. i hate how much hatred there si. i feel awful but i know theyd kill me if they could. civilians dont deserve that but hamas would murder me if they could. theyd murder my whole family and bloodline and everyone. peobably my dog too. i sont want to think about this anymore . i hate it so much

wondering if ill feel better soon, but i already know the answer. i probably wont, and the whole cycle will begin again in august. ugh. i need to fall asleep. the rip by portishead is so good. perfect song. }

january 15, 7:21 pm { reopened the scars on left ar they arent vkeedubg ebough thiygh. been on made of styrifian fir the first time in probanly four months. arms arent red and raw enough, brain hurts. want to take melatonin but we are all out. and oast time i took too many i felt like i was going to die.
wonder if i was honestly. took like 100 mg at least. knew u couldnt od on it but it scared me a lot. thinking about it it was exactly one month ago

i really want to get a proper tool honestly. i think im too scared ofsepsis to ever use one though. but maybe the made of styrofoam care guidevhasvtips on terilization. i jope so. feel too bad to not hvave an outlet. at least its wintrervabd ill wear long sleevs. i wish my arms bled easier. oh my gosh i feel awful. i hope npno ne reads this this entry is garbagee typing basically blind on a lapgotoo i can barely see. gonna try an =d drain the arms again }

january 22, 7:05 pm {getting so much worse. cant do anything about it. cant stop going to school or work or anything. cant stop life just bc im some insane teenager or whatever. wish i could. everyday i get more tired and worse. dont even wanna do stuff i like rn. so hungry but dont wanna get out of bed. i cant do this anymore. during pe i kept imagining the bar breaking my neck, my lifeless body numb on the floor as blood poured out of myback, the tendons splayed right by the ooze. couldnt stop thinking about it, dreaded it happening. i hate it so much. scared me. scared me that i kinda wated that to happen. honestly ust didnt want other people to witness it. i just wishi felt better. i wish i wasnt tired. or insane. i hope i dont relapse again, but idk. if one more thing happens i dont even want to think about what i might do

keep thinking abot a video my mom showed me a couple weeks ago. during a wrestling match a guy tried to front flip and tackle the other guy. but he felt on his head and snapped his neck. everytime i think about it i want to cry and sob and mourn and wish his family well. on television. someone just died. after he hit the floor his entire body went limp. immediately. nothing else from that man will ever exist, and he is dead. he died as soon as he hit the ground. i mourn him daily }

february 23, 7:02 pm { been almost a whole month since my last entry here. which i guess is good. feels wrong though. i dont feel good enough to stop using this page
throughout this whole week ive had a feeling soemthing bad was going to happen. and lots of bad did. im so worried for next week, i feel like ive been gutted, and all my organs are slowly losing blood and losing oxygen and losing life. and its friday. so i should have to weekend to get better. but i know i wont. i still feel nasty and awful. and i dont know why or what to do. nothing tha has happen should make me feel this bad, like everythign is rotting inside. sludged by death insurance comes to mind

i want to love lif. i want to love living and enjoy every momennt. i want to like things. but everything makes me feel so insufferable, so full of despair, so distressed. i wonder if itll get better. everything was fine too. its just a few things, a few little things that tipped me over the edge. why do they have to hurt so bad, why am i only so hurt. how come others are so much better at hiding? someone drew a noose on the whiteboard today, and i 'jokingly' drew a cartoony me inside of it. didnt look like me at all, and i dont know why i did it. reminds me of something i would have done in 7th grade. i just felt so awful. a friend erased it. her eyes and mine met as i watched her sweep the rag across the board. she apologized, and i dont remember what i did

a friend asked me if i read all her blog posts. i said no, and she said she read all of mine. i sincerely hope no one is reading through all these entries, especially not on this page. i hate writing here, i hate how it makes me feel. sometimes i wonder if i should delete every paragraph after i write it, just so i can get words out without having anyone read them. and sometimes i do, but often i dont. i know the disclaimer doesnt actually bar anyone from entering. but i hope it lets people know what theyre going to read, and i hope the people i know in real life know they should not be here. i hope no one i know reads this page, ever. honestly, i hope no one reads this page. but for a site on the internet, that will never be true. i hope whoever is reading this understands that this page is for me to write in when im feeling delirious and delusional. i dont even know what im saying anymore }

march 6, 2024 { im always so tired and so bad. my eyes feel like theyre drying out. every time i touch them i wonder if theyre bleeding out and full of blood and thats why my eyes hurt every time i move my eyes. i wonder if school will ever get better. yesterday again i was thinking what would happen if i really did it, and it scared me when i woke up this morning. a couple nights ago i dreamed of lizards in my bed. lizards everywhere, their spindly little legs moving about, their nimbleness helping them evade from my attacks. i think i used my pillow as a weapon. i dont think it hurt them, i dont kow why this dream stuck with me. those lizards scared me }

march 28, 10:03 pm { dirty little jealous bitch. paranoid and envious. sinfully angry and rude. what the hell is wrong with me. why cant i just treat other people normally. why cant i just be normal. why do i have to blow everything up into an issue ten times the size. why cant i just take things as they are. jealous little resentful piece of shit. i wish the best for everyone ive hurt.}

march 29, 2:59 pm { guilt is clawing at me. i can feel the nest of angry wasps inside my stomach growing more restless. i cant think straight, all i want to do is waste the day away, but i know the routine will be back before i know it. i hope i feel better soon, ive felt disgusting all day. but i guess i kind of deserve to rot in this body, this room

i feel like im going insane. i feel like im turning into a person i never want to be, and i can tell im already at that point. i feel like ive been crying so hard that my heavily applied mascara is running in floods down my face, staining my rotting skin black and blue. of course, i dont wear mascara, and i havent cried in a while. i dont know what to do until monday at 3. thats my soonest obligation, and i have no clue how im supposed to spend the time until then. nothing i should like to do is bringing me joy. maybe ill just sleep for the next few days. stay up at night, pacing. maybe that would be fine. but maybe im supposed to suffer this easter. they say jesus died for our sins, right? maybe i should die for mine

i scratched again today. i guess you could say relapse, but i dont think its big enough of a deal to call it a 'relapse.' i think i need to do it more often, honestly. brings me down to earth. reminds me to pay attention. gives me something to worry about, so my days arent full of emptiness and agitation. it didnt take too much to break the skin today, which surprised me. after a few passes, the top layer gave way to patchy new skin. a few passes later, i saw the trickles of blood run down my arm. i stopped after that. im wearing my favorite white sweater, i dont want it to stain. i am so glad i left my fingernails long }

march 30, 8:10pm { scratched Again, kept hitting my arm too but it wasnt doing anything for me. listening 2 so bad emo hyperpop now. Honestly def feel better after doing that. Mayve the secret is just tearing up ur ankle So much it hurts 2 pace around the room

back on made of styrofoam And bpd memes. Just realized i never got better, i just Made a new person. Kmsing I should Isolate so i dont freaking hurt ANOTHER person going 2 cry and die i Wish i had bought those jetpen blades omg i wish i knew how to sterilize iwish iwasnt scared of sepsis }

april 1 10:37 pm { someone spent a whole day as a normal girl ! Hahahhahaha April fool ! remembering my weird fucking Online Relationship or whatever the hell it was, and remmebering the fact that i never actually liked that person and i spent probably 3 or 4 months playing along or whatever. legit before they made me a playlist i thought they were joking, and when they were serious abt it or whatevr i just kept going along. i dont think i ever actually liked them, i really just liked the idea of them liking me. who the hell does that ??? fucking manipulators, and thats what i am. i think i need to be put on so many medicines and so much shit and they need to pump my body full of drugs to get me to stop thinking and breathing

and golly gee ! this is Never Going To Be Fixed !!!! It doesnt matter what kind of relationship dude, even all my friends i obsess over what the hell who the hell does that im actually insane. i think i should not be allowed to be around normal people, i think everyone i talk to needs to be given a warning about how fucking insane i am omg. i so dont want to go to school tomorrow, i cant do this. i keep thinking about how when im older i might have a boyfriend, but that sounds absolutely insane. i dont think ill ever be mentally sane enough to have a partner. it might be nice, but its honestly impossible. no one would want to be around such an ugly ass bitch. you can be ugly but you have to have a persobality, or vice versa, but i have nothing. i have no redeeming qualities, and its infuriating how factual that is. i dont think there is a single good quality i have thats not played up to make myself seem better.

i keep thinking about isolating myself and blocking everyone and just letting myself go and giving everyone a better life but i cant do that, its so attention seeking id be such a little ooh a little victim girly and stupid little bitch. ugh. i hate being like this, i hate hate hate myself so much. everyday i wish i were born as someone who didnt have to spend their whole day comparing and thinking and worrying and stressing, and theres nothing i can do to fix it

i swear if any of my irls read this i am going to shut down. Maybe that would be my breaking point. i think tomorrow is going to be such a bad day, and im so worried. my mom is gonna see my stupid arms and stupid thighs and stupid ankles and stupid face and stupid ugly tired eyes and stupid ass "i dont know" attitude and im going to get home at 4:30 and take the entire jar of melatonin and hope i am rushed into the er so i dont have to go to school or work and i get a brain scan or diagnosed and i dont have to worru and stress and wonder and cry and stress and hurt and scratch

my shower today hurt so bad. the water felt like it was actively burning my legs, i could barely walk honestly. it felt like my muscles were contracting inside my skin and would never ever let go. i wonder how far i could go without passing out. i hope it stays cold out for longer. i wish i wasnt such a pussy and i could actually cut far down and make deep wounds that look normal and i can make up excused for. and not like a stupid fucking rash or something like falling both on my upper thigh and bottom of my ankle and forearm. maybe i will learn how to disinfect tomorrow }

april 2, 7:43 pm { i want to kill myself. i dont even want to die, i just want to hurt this awful body of mine. i dont deserve the good things, and i should not be allowed to treat myself. i have been thinking of deleting all my messaging apps. i dont think i should be able to talk to people. i dont think thats a privilege i deserve. im such a little sensitive bitch and i should not be allowed to form connections with good people who care. i should be abused and hurt. its not ok for a bad person like me to be treated so well. its a sin }

april 5, 6:46 [ I hate being me. i need to be given medication that dulls me so i cannot feel anger or rage. i need to be held back to work on emotional control. i need to have the people around me stop caring. i need people to stop realizing im lying and stop caring. i need to stop being a bitch, but i cant. hopefully i feel better. right now i just feel put a bowling ball in my stomach, and the acids are trying to eat away at the metal. i cant have people already dealing with huge amounts of shit have to worry abt me and help me deal with mine. ughhhhhhhhghgghh why do people feel the need to be helpful }

april 11, 7:42 pm { i should have bought those blades i need a tool i need to hurt myself i dont deserve to feel good. why am i such a fucking failure. i actually cant do anything right. i will plan soon, i can tell. i need sharp sharp sharp scissors i need to cut open my legs my arms my stomach i need to shoot myself in the arteries i need to go somewhere where i can be put on trial for all the shit ive done and everything ive failed at. i need people to stop being nice to me. i need people to realize im worthless and throw me to the curb and step on me and pour gasoline on my unmoving body and flick a match at my ugly disgusting hair

i hate this i hate this i hate this. i hate this brain so much. i hate this ugly body. i hope if i get reborn i am no longer a stupid person and im no longer a bitch and i know how to do things and i have motivation and i think a normal amount and i dont take things personally and i dont think in black and white and i dont think every person hates me. i dont deserve to eat }

april 12, 6:27pm { going crazy mode going to shoot myself i am going to commit heinous acts and sleep forever and fix everything ive done wrong and give me everything ive ever deserved and pay it all back }

april 20, 4:52pm { i cant wait to kill myself. actually praying i end up fucking overdosing on the 40ng of melatonin i just took, even tho its actually impossible. i need to isolate and stsrve and cut and scratch and die. i cant do this snymore, i really dont deserve snything at this point. i need to bleed }

may 11, 10:15 { Relapse. three places . arm arm and thigh. i beed to go for more. i hate feeling this way. my left arm keeps burning. moving it hurts. touching it hurts. not moving it hurts. not toughving it hurts. it is burning so bad. not in a good way. and its not even bleeding... what a fucking failure !!! cant even scratch to blood omg . I cant wait to cut contact with everyone i love. i cant wait to send my last messages and get akl the love for the last time. i need it stop venting on purpose and hoping someone cares, i need to stop being such an attention seeking little bitchhhhh omg these might not heal by graduation. Maybe that woill be reason enough to skip. i need to scratch more. i am barely bleeding. i need at least a little blood to pour out. i need to see the fruits of my labor, the juice of the pomegrante spilling from my skin. i need to feel the guilt seep through my veins. i need to be hated and berated. i need people to realize how awful i am . i should be stoned . i love made of styrofoam}

may 17, 4:45pm {i love relapsing. i hope no one notices the red on my arms and shoulders and legs tomorrow. maybe my mom will get so scared people will know she'll force me to stay home. that would be fine}

may 26, 6:06pm { almost a year of this bullshit. reverting to all my bad behaviours. i hope i fond someone much too old for me and rhey tell me how smart and kind and special i am. i hope i can deel special again. my stupid stupid pnline romance or whatveer was so stupid and so bad for me , i miss it so juch. i miss the tiny rays of hope and love and praise that would give me so so so so much joy it felt like drugs i think it felt like i was being bathrd by the lifht of heaven it felt like i had done everything right i need it back. i need it again. i feel so behind. i feel stunted. i need to grow up. i need to be a normal teenager. i need to arop relapsing and start making friends and start being amart and doing good girl things. i need to get praised for doing the barr minimum. i need someone much too old to hold me and tell me how lovely i am. i need someone who knows what isnright and wrong. i need someone who has experience. i need someone knowledgable. someone who will kindly manipulate me to be better. i need a mentor i need to be better. i need someone to look at my arms and my legs and my face and my calvves and hold me and tell me its ok and that im ok and that it will all be ok. i need someone to tell me im not ugly. indesperately need to know im not hideous. everyday i look on the mirror i see less of me and more of a fucking monster. every day i speak i feel more like a monster, all of my thoughts are evil. i cant take it anymore. i need to sleep. i need to isolate and be cut off. i need to killed , i need to sacrificed and martyred.

ps. relapsed. }

may 29, 11:33pm { used a blade to cute for the first time today. oh my god im gonna get addicted to cutting myself i can feel it. didnt even really mean to relapse, just wanted to try it out. which is so stupid Nd im such an idiot for doing it but oh my god iy felt so good. that felt so good. and i couldnt stop and now my left arm is covered in little mini cuts and i think they will heal bu tomrorow but i am going to cut so much more im so scared. it was too easy to bleed with a blade. i sont think ive ever craved cutting or shing so much before. it was like an actual high. i cant have thes ecuts fare by tomorrow or i will definitely make new ones, and i cannot do that right now. its summer and its disgustingly hot everywhere and i have work tomorrow and i cant do this shit. oh my god. i can feel my body shaking i need to cut again i need to i need to but i cant i cant let myself. ive never had urges these strong before. im scardd i will do so much more tomorrow. worst part is i dont know if my blade was clean. im praying i dont get sepsis. i am so scared. i need help on quelling these urges, i cant spend my whole summer looking like a walking wound. maybe inwill just have to suffer the heat . }

june 1, 11:54pm { i keep cutting and i cant do anyting to stop it and i wont do anything to srop it and i dont want to do anything to arop it. i saw one video where a girl showed some photos of herself during an ed and holy shit im so ugly. im such an ugly ass botch omg, its actually devastating. and then, of course, i cut myself some more. bc what's peettier than red lines all over your arm??!??!! i want to go deeper, but i need a cleaner tool forst. maybe i will get another blade when i go to store w friend. like last tome, but i actually buy it. i hope on everything i love that im not triggering then to relapse. i think id kms if i was. i will try to sleep. my arm aches now. i cut so much today, my mom would be so angry }

june 3, 3:04pm { i wangt 2 cut sooo bad i am sooo desperate omg its so badd i like. i am so close to just bringing a blade to this stupid summer school so i can feel smth during the day omg. i like. i need to feel it i need to feel anything. its so bad. i really just want to do that and i dont even have time, im gonna get so so so much homework its so bad im not gonna have any time to do anything its so bad . i cant wait 2 cut when i get home omg }

june 5, 9:00pm { havent been clean in so long ive been cutting mostly 3 times a day i cant do this i want to go so deep i have to wear long sleeves everythwew its sich a pain in the ass why did i hve to choose the single most annoying stupid awful thing to do to myself. i should have mever tried that blade i cant wait to get more i cannot chicken out on saturday oh my god }

june 6, 9:31pm { it consumes my life i want to cut all the time. been contemplating suicide an unbearable amount lately. my only sources of coping are through spending money and cutting myself. and one is a ton easier than the other. i dont have time to do anything i want to do all i want to do it cut open my arms and legs and i can only cut on one arm because my left had's motor skills suck ass and i am too scared of cutting too deep. but my right arm looks overwhelmingly bare and it seems so much fun to have so much empty space to open with. i keep worrying everyone and i feel awful about but i keep trying to get the reassurance that my bpd ass needs but nothing is working. kill me now }

june 9 6:07pm { i keep getting worse. but it is so amazing. it is such an art i am figuring out the best techniques to bleed faster, to make longr cuts. to do exactly what i want with each stroke. everything hurts but it is ok. i hate how much i love it. it is such a good feeling. i am getting ready to isolate, i think. i think i will cut them off. then i wont have any intervention, and i wont be hurting anyone. }

june 12 12:48pm { i want to cut so bad i want to see the blood pool up on my skin, the little bubbles of blood staying because of physics or whatever. i need to cut i need to feel something i need to feel anything so bad. i should listen to death insurance to cut its so. shes so real for making her music. i wonder if i should open my new blades. i need to get better at using my left hand; there is so much empty space on my right arm just because i cant reach and im afraid of going too deep. i need to cut }

june 15 4:12pm { i havent felt this bad in so long . i am considering killing nyself actually . i cant d o this anymore }

june 16 10:04 am { everything gets worse daily and all i want to do is cut and i have so little opportunities now . no one in my family knows whats happening and i hope they never do . i want to kill myself so badly . i just dont want to do this naymore . i want to freeze time so i can do everything i want and not have to worry about bugs or people seeing or scaring people or being interuppted . i need to get better at isolating .

july 23 7:48pm { i would have been 26 days today, but i relapsed like a fucking loser idiot failure. i hate myself so much. no matter how "good" it gets i will always be a disgusting piece of rotting meat, flesh that will decay for decades. i wish i could cut more. but i dont want anyone to find out, especially not now. i dont want to do anything honestly. i really want to sleep forever now. nothing feels real anyways. nothing is worth it, honestly. i feel awful )

july 29 8:23pm { cut worse than i have in a while. only reason i didnt go all down my arm is because i have to shadow the rest of this week and i dont have any long sleeve scrubs or long sleeve shirts to wear under scrubs. and i dont want to wear a sweater over them. i am worried i will cut all down my legs now though. i had plans but i think they will fall through and there is nothing stopping me at this point. i have to wear pants to work and shadowing, and i can just wear sweatpants at home. idk why im getting bad again, but it feels so good and i cant even stop i dont think

havent had to be discreet in such a long time. i honestly am so scared i wont be able to. might just rip open my shoulder and wear t shirts. i miss the blood and the pain. i was thinking about getting back into bruising and hitting, but its honestly so much more annoying. cutting is just so so so easy }

august 18 3:19pm { Disgusting. again. relapsed last night, considering cutting again. everyday. considering not eating 2 be skinny and pretty and weird in a cutesy fun way instead of a loser lameo way. need 2 be pretty for this year. considering hitting and punching myself to cause more pain, even though ive never been able to keep it up. considering distracting myself from the replusiveness of my body with the endless torture of school and studying. need to make myself numb to it all, need to make myself fall in love with the tediousness and suffering of the weekly loop of learning. need to become infatuated with the ugly yellow lighting and the vomit tinted carpet and the awkward silence and the painful studying and forcing of knowledge and the side stares from girls much prettier than i am. need to become all that i am not. i had an entire summer to reinvent myself, and i havent. im still the weird, ugly, gross, stupid girl ive been for the past 15 years. mayeb school will be the distraction i need, and i will be able to forget everything about me in favor of the other.

i want to cut open my body and surgically remove all the unnecessary parts of myself, beginning with the failed parts of my brain, continuing on to the hideous parts of my body, and ending with the evil. i know i sound so stupid and edgy but i seriously just need to become numb to all that i love. i need to refine myself to the purest parts of myself, becoming the most normal and average person i have ever met, even though i will always know deep inside i am awful and different and an other. maybe i will be able to convince myself someday. but i must begin by eradicating the awful parts, and fabricating the newer, cleaner components. }

september 7, 8:31pm { its actually impoossible for me to stay clean. today would have been 5 days, and ive gone and fucked it all up. i even trued to sedate my fatass w Two melatonin pills, but of course it didnt help. just clouded my judgement even more. i want to cute so bad, but im scared i will go too deep. thank goodness i dont cut my nails
but i actually dont know if i will ever be able to stay clean. i wishni could; i really do. but it just seems impossible. i guess i just have to prepare myself for another week of uncomfortable questiouning. }

september 21, 4:47pm { ruined 12 days clean. }

september 22, 5:43pm { cant tell if im going bpd freakout or im actually just hated. all the dots are connecting too damn well for it to be a coincidence, and everything is pointin gto the latter. for once i wish i was actually insane. im unfortunatley probably going to go back to cutting everyday. everytime i get better i get worse. every single time. }

october 4, 6:44pm { ruined 10 days clean. this sucks so much. im working tomorrow, and there are cuts all down my forearm. what am i to do.
insanely annoyed and upset at my whole family. i am considering offing myself again. ive already gotten blood all over my desk. i want to die rn. i try so hard in so many ways and its never enough and i never feel good. i feel so awful

both my best friends have told me they need me to get professional help, and i promised them both. but i cant, i really just cant. im sorry guys. but id honestky rather keep cutting, and gi deeper, if it meant my family would never know}

october 24, 8:24pm { someone a couple days ago wrote on my cbox about this page, and how they were glad i havent written on it in a while... unfortunately its not because im better, im just lazier. anyways. i've cut myself consistently for the past 3 days. a girl in one of my classes joked about cutting herself with some scissors, and her after school club (in the same room as this convo btw) hid the scissors from her. because they were afraid she would actually cut herself. and then she went looking for them (and found them !) the next time we had class. i dont really have an opinion about this girl, but holy shit that 'joke' almost brought me to tears. and then she cut herself on accident a couple minuets later. idk if thats why im feeling so shitty, but oh my goodness. i cant stop thinking about it. sometimes i wish i had someone to hide my blades. more often that than though i wish i had someone to buy me more.

one of my best friends keeps asking me to tell my parents about my cutting. and she keeps threatening to tell them herself. i hope and pray everyday that she does not. but honestly, i dont believe my parents would really do anything. its not that they dont know, honestly. my mom knows, and she sees the cuts and scratches and scars often. she says she hates them, and she gets so angry. but she doesnt actually do anything, thankfully. soemtimes i wonder if everyone else is the same way. sometimes i wonder if people see these clear cuts and know that i made them, and just dont say anything. i pray everyday that no one actyally notices, too. }

december 15, 12:46am { i relapsed after 23 days clean. 23 days. }

december 19, 9:35pm { my mom found my blades. she was trying to find a doorknob, but she found my blades. ive spent thirty minutes crying in her arms.}