Warning. Discussion of bad eating habits.

: I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSE;R I HATE ,YSE; I HATE ME SO MUCHITS UNREAL i cant take it NAYMORE I CANT TAKE IT I CANT TAKE IT I CANT TAKE IT/ i want to be 20 lbs down by my birthdya which is actualy IMPOSSIBLE and its NOT GOING TO HAPPEN but i cant get it off my mind its genuinely not possible i have like 40 days this is not real. i fuckiugn hate myself I AHTE ,YSE;F so bad. idk why it hought about this. i didnt want to, initially i thought i could but i CANT o jabe no fuckign self control i hate myself i hate myself I HATE IT ALL. i honestly hate food too. i hate it all. i hate everything

: i dont even know why im writng tis hinestly. my last entry was so joyful and now evetyhing SUCKS AGAIN i hate it all so much i hate it all i hate ot all. i dont evem look any different than when i started i look in all the mirrors and i look the same i dont understand i dont get it . all i wsnat is to be PRETTY and it wont ever fuckign happen i feel delusional i am so so so so so stupid. this blog post is so stupid i thinki may ned up deleting it i just feel soooooooooINSANEN.... nn

: and im still so hungry veen though ive been eating TOO FUCKING MUCH EVERYT NIGHT . its a problem ive been eating so much food at night just evacsyebim soooo hunrgy amd then i realize how much i ahte and im like Holy Shit we cannot eat ever again an then i starve and then i eat too fucking much at night I AHTE IT ALL I HATE IT ALL I HATE IT LAL . guys i ate like 1000 cals of peanut butter and dates last night it was so yummy and then i realized and then i wanted to kill myself. probably more than a tjousand honestly i wanted to DIE i hate myself so bad . i hate ti all....... ughgghhhhhgHGHGH I JUST WANT TO BE PREYU. not even that ngl i kind of just want to like myself ig.

: im gonna be home alone a lot this weekend and im actually really scared for how much im gonna eat . like i know its gonna be Badd........ im gonna try my best tho. ITS NOT OVER YET. im not gonna go crazy im gonna be normal and normal and normal person. hhahhh. i miss how it was wheniu started/ im so hunrgy guys. im not even hungry im just.... tird... but i Lovee the emptiness so much moe than the fullness i cant even lie. like last thursday even though i was straight up dying, the emptiness felt so good. i was just a Vessel. lowkey maybe ill do that once this weekend, see how it feels. i have so much freedodm.but i have work sat and mon. 4 day weekend from school... spoeaking of i have hw to do. booooo

: ayways im scared out of my mind. but it will be okay. i just have to Remember The Emptiness... lowkey the emotional instability feels fine at home too. i kind of miss it. I MISS IT ALL ICL. ughghgh...,..,. maybe this weekend will be the one... no one 2 stop me from eating nothin and goin on tradmill for 4 hours. Boom. plan settled. drop movie recs for treadmill pls Thankssssssss. guys im soryim crazy

: back bc im a little less crazy and more incredibly annoyed. thinking abt how this all started and how much of a fucking idiot i am for thinking it would all be fine. booo

: i knew it was gonna turn into this , i liyteally knew it. and i kept telling myself Oh, just make sure youre eating enough, just do it the Right Way, and then i didnt and nothing happened so i just kept doing it. now all the consequences that i KNEW were gonna happen ARE HAPPENING and im just so pissed off with myself. ug. and i cant think of an easy way out at ALL. and i know im just gonna keep going bc i dont want to think about what will happen if i dont. ugh. im so pissed. im just so tired.

: it doesnt matter what i do im just SO TIRED. ive been tired for so long. it feels like its burrowed into me and will jsut stay there now . ugh. im just. so tired :(

Warning. Discussion of bad eating habits and like. a lot of food haha.

: guys yom kippur fast was SO FREAKING HARD Omg. i wasnt expecting to be so incapacitated but i guess i should have. usually i prep for yom kippur but like.. idk i had this mindset all week of 'just go as long as u can before and then you can whatever after the fast ends' which. i guess it worked??? but omg i was so sludged all day idek how to explain it. i genuinely couldnt do anything and i decided to go to tom thumb bc i wanted to get some stuff (sf vanilla pudding, frozen rapsberries, and granola (: ) and i was walking and lowkey felt like i was gonna FALL OVER and if it wasnt that i was feeling like i was in a dream. it was so bad. but i ate and all was good!

: genuinely once the clock hit time i CHUGGED half my water bottle and then ate some Tomatoes and Pickles and an Egg and some sweet potato (i wasnt planning the egg and sweet potato). but all day i had been DREAMINGGG of oatmeal so i made oatmeal ! i decided it didnt matter because ALSO ALSO ALSO ALSO ALSOOO BIG WINNN!!!!!!! IN MY EXTREME DEHYDRATION FAST-STATE I FINALLY FINALLY HIT NORMAL WEIGHTTTTTTT OMG OGMGOMOGMOGMOGMGMOOMG I WAS SOOOO FREAKING HAPPY i cant even explain how joyful it made me. like omg. just barely BARELY like genuine cusp. but omg. i felt such joy. i know it wasnt like. real ig? like i Know i was just dehydrated and whatever but like. its achievable!!! like im so close ig!! but im gonna try not to weigh myself for a couple days bc i KNWO its gonna be like 10 lbs more LMAO. anyways rant over but ya! i decided i would just make some yummy yummy oatmealll and not weigh anythinggg and i put in a shit load of cinnamon and some pb and yogurt to thicken it up (yogurt was at the very end dw i didnt cook my yogurt) and then some bananas and walnuts.... omgogmmmogmmggg it was so good. and also i ate a lot of dates and walnuts while i was cooking it bc i was so hunrgy. omg they were SO GOOD i love dried fruit and nuts. delightful. genuinely so good i think a part of my soul DIED.

: and then i was like Okay no more and i was sitting w my mum until i told her quietly 'ya haha i ate so much btu im still hungry this suxxxx' and then she was like 'you didnt even eat a lot girl be for real' and i was like You know what?? youre RIGHT so then i had some bread with cream cheese and CAVIARRRRRRRR (i love caviar sooo much my mom got it for my dad and i had some omg I LOVE CAVIAR its my favorite little luxury) and wow it was so good. i forgot how good bread is. i forgot how good BREAD AND CREAM CHEESE AND CAVIAR IS OMG. it was sooo good. and then i had 2 slices of my mom's banana bread (it had dates and walnuts in it too) with NORMAL WHIPPED CREAM! !!!!!!!!!!!!! it was so yummy. food is so good bro. why do i have to be like this. ugh. it was all so good.

: i might end up making some more oatmeal today but idk. i will probbaly end up weighing myself bc thats just the way i am and i Know im gonna absolutely sob @ the weight but what am i gonna do abotu it. i genuinely hateee how its controlling my life rn but what am i gonna do u know?? im trying to convince myself to lower my daily activity expectations because its genuinely making it hard for me to do the work i need to do and i CANNOT fail out of school rn bruh. this is the hardest school has EVER BEEN and its only now that i have a thing where i have to walk as much as humanly possible I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT. i havent been able to do anything i enjoy at all. ugh. it freakinggg sucks. anyways im gonna try and tell myself to lower my activity levels so i can do work but im scared itll inadvertently make me want to eat like. as little as i can(more than now) to like compensate??? and I DONT WANT THAT I DONT WANT IT !!!!!

: anyways, this is whats been happening lately. i wanna get back to blogging but everything is just sooo tiring, and, again, I Need 2 Walk. Hah. ugh anyways tldr oatmeal is sooo yummy

: ps the best part was i didnt even feel bloated when i woke up !!! it was such an unexpected joy. guys i think oats are magic?

Warning. Discussion of restrictive eating, suicide.

: im so tired and all i want to do is sleep but i need to log this because the shit that has been happening lately is so fucking awful and out of this world And era And mind and idk whats happening

: sunday i had a major major major "crash out" i cant even explain it. i ended up starving basiclaly all day bc i decided i wanted cheesecake factory soooo bad and i was gonna starve and then i would be able to enjoy it but NO turns out they have their cals ON THEIR FUCKING MENU so we got to the restayrant and i immediartely wabted to die . and it was just my mom and i but neither of us talked at all so it was just basically silence and i ended up eating like. 3-4 things of bread. and BUTTER. and i was like Wow this is great haha! and then my food came (i ended up egtting a 600 cal salad)(lowkey ass but whatevz) and i realized how much bread i had eaten and i wanted to atcuakky kill myself and so i picked at the salad and didnt eat much

: and i had been DREAMING of a cheesecake for literally th whole day i wantd the Cinnabon cheesecake or the Cookie dough cheesecaje or something delectable and divine and then it came time to order and i . Didnt . Rakize. How many cals. were in a cheesecake slice. Holy shit i wanted to die. so i ended up almost sobbing in the cheesecake factory bathroom but then realizing that other peole could come in so i left the bathroom and begged to wait in the car

: and then it took like an HOUR to get home (whole time i was on the verge of tears) and halfway through the car ride i just burst out into sobs, like heavy, heaving sobs that sounded like i had just had an infant ripped from my grasp. and i couldnt even get out of the damn car until my mom came and got me and convinced me to lay in bed w her

: i ended up crying sobbing for like another hour while the only shit i could think og was like. Calorie counts and Derivative functions of calories and how much i needed to walk off and all the BREAD i had ate (btw i have celiac and cant even eat gluten idk why i just gave it up that day) i coudl not think straigjt. genuienly i felt like i was being tortured in the damn 10th circle of hell or soemthing. it was so awful. i felt like i was dying. i wished i were dead

: i think i slept for an hour or two ater that, but i almost immediately started cryibg and sobbing and thinkning o all the numbers and cals AGAIN and it was actuakly so aeful. and then my mom came back .

: and i dont know what possessed me to ask this question, i dont know why i would ever verbalize this sick and twisted command, this cruel, evil idea into my mother's mind, but i asked her what she would do if i died. and she responded in the most hauntingly horrific way, i cant ever describe her voice, her wails. i wisged i had never said anythign. i wished i had never been born so she wouldnt have to deal with me tormenting her. i hated it. i feel so bad for her. i wish i could be a better daughter. i wihs i could be a daughter who didnt go through awful bouts of depression and self destruction and self hatred.

: she let me stay home from school for the last 2 days. i dont know why. i have been begging to stay home tomorrow as wlel but she wont let me. deep down, i know i cant. but jesus do i wish i could

: i went to the doctor's today for a follow-up for some concerns about my kidneys. And they;re getting better but also worse and she said i was at a "Healthy" bmi (btw im not yet) and idk wtf was up with that. god i hated it. i hated it so bad. i have to go back in like a month or whatever too bc they have to do ANOTHER urine test and MORE bloodwork and i still have like 15-20 pounds i want to lsoe but the doctor told me to maintain. hell no.

: i wish i didnt have to go to school. i hate it so much. i hate hate hate it. fuck. this weekebd has been hell though. i feel like i slipped into an alternaye dimension this july and i want to go back to the way it was before. i hate myself so much. i hate all of it. i want it to end so bad. i havent had such bad suicidal ideation in so long. all i want to do, truly, is go on walks, talk with my mom in the way i used to be able to, eat good food that doesnt make me want to kill myself or walk for miles. i dont want to go to school i dont want to go to work i dont want to have any fucking responsibiliyires. i bet i sound so stupid . im sorry .

Warning. Discussion of restrictive eating.

: every single day of the past 3 weeks has sucked so bad. i feel like im in a constant state of pms, and it fucking SUCKS i dont feel like a person. very often i have to try to remind myself that this is real life but it never ever works because this cannot be my real life this cannot be real. This cannot be real. and if it is, i must already be dead.

: i used to want to be a doctor so bad, now i literally just want to die. i have no motivation for anything anymore, nothing is fun. nothing is entertaining. i have to constantly, CONSTANTLY, prepare for what my days might entail based on how much/little i want to eat or pace. i hate it. i hate it. i feel like a fake person. i feel like they made me up. sometimes i hope im fake

: and nothing about my life makes it any better. My family keeps discussing weight loss. I feel like im constantly being tempyted by Everything in my life. its like they fucking want me to end it all i cant handle it. the only things that have been keeping me sane are gum and diet soda

: i love gum sooo much. its kind of unhuman. I got so much fruity gum OMG its sooo good. i hope i grow a jawline or smth w it too Omfg. wouldnt that be the dream. also bro diet dr pepper cherry or diet dr pepper strawberry vanilla are sooo goodddd omg.... theyre SO GOOD. root beer has also been my love, diet a&w cream soda, reg root beer, and even the kind of nasty diet ice cream sundaw root beer tastes delectable when u havent eatn. i really really want to skip lunch today but idk if ill be able to, it doesnt matter, its gonna suck anyways. i dont know. all food tastes awful and disgusting. i want to go home all the time.

: also, some girl on ed reddit posted a SLUSHEE RECIPE that ive been making LEGIT EVERYDAY girl u wont ever read this but i need u to know i love u with my whole damn heart. its literally just ice, water, mio, and xanthum gum. i add an electrolyte packet to it and a little bit ot erythritol (bc i need the vitamins and i think adding extra sugar brings out more flavor) and ITS SO DAMN GOOD. I LOBE IT SOOO MUCH IT MAKES ME FEEL SO FULL. i actualy ahve been making one everudau. i want one rn. i want it all the time. i have made orange, watermelon strawberry, and i alks have a berry pomegranate mio i want to try. Anyways thats been the highlight of my life lately

: ive also managed to make cookie dough with like. basically just yogurt and oat fiber and choco chips. Because for some reason chocolate chips. are safe ????? i dont get it and i need it to stop bc they r legit so high cal. But they help me not fall over ig so. Idk . anywahs the recipe is literally just yogurt, oat fiber, salt, a teeny bit of baking powder, vanilla extract, smores syrup, and choco chips. i love it so much. Also it tastes rly good w cinnamon but i always forget to add it. and then i let it set in the fridge for like 10 min and the freezer for 20-30. i love it so much. My little joy . My little 400 cal joy that i can enjoy alongside my 300 cal school lunch. Haha . fuck. it does taste pretty good tho so ig i cant complain

: anyways ive been doing my best to burn at least 500 cals a day and ive been doing pretty good except for yesterdat which i feel liek SUCH A FAILURE OVER but i lowkey expected it so i cant get too mad ig..... but at least my treadmill is fixed ! i need to find a new movie to watch on the treadmill, i had such a funny time watching school for good n evil on the treadmill. bad fricking movie but it made me laugh SO MUCH LOLLL maybe ill pirate harry potter or smth. idk.

Warning. Discussion of restrictive eating.

: I think something might actually be wrong w me i cant see my dad eating without wanting to cry (???????????????????????????) its actually so bad. he lost a lot of weight over the past year because he was upset with himself for gaining so much but like. idk. he was fine ig? and i fele like he gained it back anyways but Who gaf thats not the point. The point is he keeps. Mentioning. cals ?! While eating like. a scary amout. like frankly its a Lot a Lot and not like a Lot lot lot like dangerous but he lowkey doesnt stop eating . i dont think its disordered or anything it just Pisses me OFF i feel so damn evil abut it but he genuinely Does Not Stop Eating when he's at home. and he'll leave like. a teeny weeny amout fo whatever left in the container. or like. 1 piece of cookie or whatever. and like bro do u WANT me to go over MY cal count ????? pmo like hell. i hate it. and it always freaks me out bc i dont want him to eat my safe food things !!!! like what if he (for some reason) Drinks all my almond milk. Like all of it. and then i cant ,ake a coffee to stay awake so i just have to suffer and cry. What if he eats the special edition Catalina Crunch (pumpkin spice 🤤🤤🤤🤤🤤 and apple cinnamon 🤤🤤🤤🤤🤤) that i spent like 20 dollars on And 2 weeks looking ofr them And going to like 10 diff stores. What if he eats my mini snack packs bruh WHAT IF WHAT IT WHAT IFFFFF.... what if he drinks all my damn diet soda (he already has dranken a lot of it lolll). its so fucking annoying idk. and i feel so EVIL like girl let your dad eat his food. but he also does not stop making food noises (chewing CRAZY LOUD, smacking his lips, making tons of Yum noises) which has alwaus been a pet peev of mine but now its TEN TIMES WORSE. Genuinely cannot be in the kitchen/same vicinity as him anymore bc it makes me cry. but its Good, bc hes always in kitchen, So i cant eva be in kitchen. winner winner no more dinnerrrr

: anyways i think my calf muscles r messed up or smth bc it hurts sioo much but luckily i was still able to walk on the treadmill yesterday YAYYY. IM SO HAPPY OUR TREADMILL IS FIXED :) genuinely overjoyed im so happy abt it

: bought some of the spylt caffeinated milk to try and make ninja creami out of and its actually yum ! i got the choco one (90 cals, 20g protein, caffeine) and i made a 160 cal choco base tht i Might be able to have today. but tbh im actually freezing and the weather is also freezing. So maybe i wont even be able to actually. idk ill keep it in the back of my mind. just to like. think about.

: im done w most of y hw, but i still have vocab, some math hw, and some book review for na in class essay. i am actually dreding work today bc im sooo colddddd im actually frigid already. and its gonna be even COLDER AT WORK. Bro. everyhting sucks bruh literally..

: read a post yeserday on #EdReddit ermmmmm.... anyways and it was talking about how every single thing is embarassing when u struggle w food and like Yaaa girlfriend u get it !! like lirerally everything. crying bc youre so hungry? crying bc youre not hungry? walking for 3 hours on a treadmill even though your calf is killing u? Bro theres so much more im thinking abt rn but its like. its TOO embarassing. so no thanks.

: idk what im going to do today. i really really really REALLY dont want to go home but i also think im gonna be tired as hell... i kind of want to 24 hr fast, so probz until like 6pm, so idk what im gonna do for like the 4 hours after work. especially because its SO COLD. guys im in sweater + leggings and im still absolutely freezing. ugh .

Warning. Discussion of restrictive eating.

: guys i hate hate hate HATE school lunch. i hate it so much. i hate it i hate it i hate it. the Real food is so damn good but im sure absolutely loaded with cals. and i cant even like Skip or Eat an obnoxiously small amoutn because of my ED FRIEND BRUH I CONSTANTLY WANT TO KILL MYSELF I CANT FUCKING DO IT. i have always lowkey hated people watching me eat, but it's so damn awful to have my absolute best friends ever watching me eat my stupid ass food.

: i had cottage cheese, blueberries, mandarin oranges, 1 slice of turkey, and tomatoes + pickles today. logged as 350, might raise it to 400 lowkey but idk. im so fucking scared i hate it all I HATE ITTT... i can't wait until i can leave school and just eat lunch at home. but i have a yr because that privilege. Kms

: but now it means i have a LOW cal budget for dinner which means i cant do hw because im so so so tired. doesnt help that i have to work out like eveyr day because of my pe credits. i have no energy to do anything. but at least i have this temp blog. One thing off my plate. hah

: ended up getting a b on that stupid math test, which is fine ig. still disappointed but what am i gonna do. my best friend might drop out of my math class, and i have just been wanting to cry for her since i found out.

: anyways i dont know what im gonna eat for dinner bc WHat the helly can i even eat thats filling and delicious and nutricious and sweet and savory and spicy and filling for 400 cals. fuckkkkk this sucks . i ahte everything that i've been doing lately. i've been trying to drink a lot of water so my body doesn't feel the need to hold onto its water weight and now i am peeing every hour which SUCKS. everyting i do is embarrassing and stupid.

: i'm genuinely so tired all the time, i can barely focus on my homework. or classes. or conversations. and i'm still fucking UGLY. got a fuggler from one of my besties today and she said i looked like him (she meant just the hair) and girlfrienddd you are so right you dont even know!!! i'm so hungry. idk what to eat.

Warning. Discussion of self harm, restrictive eating.

: i might be in one of the worst self destructive episodes of my life rn. and i cant fucking snap out of it.

: i'm a very self destructive person. just in general. it's one of my traits, my habits, my sole purposes of being. it marks my existence. to me, it's a sign i'm doing well, a sign i'm back to normal. like an old friend, kind of. doesn't stop it from being any less fucking awful and annoying, though.

: in the past, my worst episodes have been marked by physical, generally visible destruction. red, raw gashes through my arms, my thighs, my calves. shining, glittering maroon lines decorating my skin. self harm was usually as far as i'd go. things generally healed quickly. nothing ever got too infected for me to deal with. it was an easy way to get the torturous rumination to stop. it's always worked, as long as i'd known to use it. and when i started cutting last year, the blades helped too much. addiction sprouted, and it's the least i can muster to say that i'm glad i've stopped cutting. i wonder what would happen to me if i kept going, kept using that pure white blade to make new gashes in my skin.

: but now, it's somehow worse. at least then, i wasn't so worried as to how i looked to other people. if they saw my cuts, my gashes, my cat scratches, fuck it. who cares? i can lie my way out, and even if they don't believe me, what will they say? i've never been as worried about appearances as i've been the past two months.

: i have not stopped fucking thinking about food. it's all i do. all i ever fucking do is try to wait out the hunger for as long as i can, inevitably eat way more than i had wanted, then walk for as long as i can to burn away the calories. it fucking sucks. my entire day to day routines are built around trying my best to eat as little as humanly possible, trying to make the best tasting treats for less than 30 calories, trying to get in as many nutrients as i can so hopefully, just hopefully, my body doesn't feel like it needs to eat everything in the house or it will shut down. luckily i haven't gotten to that point yet, but i wouldn't doubt myself to come back tomorrow night and write a blog post about how much i binged. fuck. fuck it all, man.

: the worst part is, i was doing so well until school started. i functioned on less than 450 cals for literally like a month. and i felt fine. it was all fine. i was functioning, never even thought about binging, about eating anything i shouldn't. and then school started and i'm a fucking mess. i hate it all. i hate myself so much. i can't even stop myself, i'm just so fucking hungry. and i've kept the same weight for 2 weeks now. fucking kill me already.

: i'm hoping and praying i'll get the strength to keep low restricting, now that i've eaten so much fucking food all weekend. i hate myself so much. all i want is to be pretty and skinny. it's honestly all i've ever wanted. i can't remember a time i wasn't envious of my thin friends. a time i didn't glare with jealousy at all the other girls who seemed so perfectly petite. i fucking hate it all. and it's only gotten worse. i've been slowly but surely drifting away from my best friend ever because i can't stand how thin they are. how unnaturally, unhealthily thin they are. i wish i were dead.

: anyways, hopefully i'll make a more permanent blog soon. i'm just so tired. and i had a lot to say.