Warning. Discussion of restrictive eating.

: I think something might actually be wrong w me i cant see my dad eating without wanting to cry (???????????????????????????) its actually so bad. he lost a lot of weight over the past year because he was upset with himself for gaining so much but like. idk. he was fine ig? and i fele like he gained it back anyways but Who gaf thats not the point. The point is he keeps. Mentioning. cals ?! While eating like. a scary amout. like frankly its a Lot a Lot and not like a Lot lot lot like dangerous but he lowkey doesnt stop eating . i dont think its disordered or anything it just Pisses me OFF i feel so damn evil abut it but he genuinely Does Not Stop Eating when he's at home. and he'll leave like. a teeny weeny amout fo whatever left in the container. or like. 1 piece of cookie or whatever. and like bro do u WANT me to go over MY cal count ????? pmo like hell. i hate it. and it always freaks me out bc i dont want him to eat my safe food things !!!! like what if he (for some reason) Drinks all my almond milk. Like all of it. and then i cant ,ake a coffee to stay awake so i just have to suffer and cry. What if he eats the special edition Catalina Crunch (pumpkin spice 🤤🤤🤤🤤🤤 and apple cinnamon 🤤🤤🤤🤤🤤) that i spent like 20 dollars on And 2 weeks looking ofr them And going to like 10 diff stores. What if he eats my mini snack packs bruh WHAT IF WHAT IT WHAT IFFFFF.... what if he drinks all my damn diet soda (he already has dranken a lot of it lolll). its so fucking annoying idk. and i feel so EVIL like girl let your dad eat his food. but he also does not stop making food noises (chewing CRAZY LOUD, smacking his lips, making tons of Yum noises) which has alwaus been a pet peev of mine but now its TEN TIMES WORSE. Genuinely cannot be in the kitchen/same vicinity as him anymore bc it makes me cry. but its Good, bc hes always in kitchen, So i cant eva be in kitchen. winner winner no more dinnerrrr

: anyways i think my calf muscles r messed up or smth bc it hurts sioo much but luckily i was still able to walk on the treadmill yesterday YAYYY. IM SO HAPPY OUR TREADMILL IS FIXED :) genuinely overjoyed im so happy abt it

: bought some of the spylt caffeinated milk to try and make ninja creami out of and its actually yum ! i got the choco one (90 cals, 20g protein, caffeine) and i made a 160 cal choco base tht i Might be able to have today. but tbh im actually freezing and the weather is also freezing. So maybe i wont even be able to actually. idk ill keep it in the back of my mind. just to like. think about.

: im done w most of y hw, but i still have vocab, some math hw, and some book review for na in class essay. i am actually dreding work today bc im sooo colddddd im actually frigid already. and its gonna be even COLDER AT WORK. Bro. everyhting sucks bruh literally..

: read a post yeserday on #EdReddit ermmmmm.... anyways and it was talking about how every single thing is embarassing when u struggle w food and like Yaaa girlfriend u get it !! like lirerally everything. crying bc youre so hungry? crying bc youre not hungry? walking for 3 hours on a treadmill even though your calf is killing u? Bro theres so much more im thinking abt rn but its like. its TOO embarassing. so no thanks.

: idk what im going to do today. i really really really REALLY dont want to go home but i also think im gonna be tired as hell... i kind of want to 24 hr fast, so probz until like 6pm, so idk what im gonna do for like the 4 hours after work. especially because its SO COLD. guys im in sweater + leggings and im still absolutely freezing. ugh .

Warning. Discussion of restrictive eating.

: guys i hate hate hate HATE school lunch. i hate it so much. i hate it i hate it i hate it. the Real food is so damn good but im sure absolutely loaded with cals. and i cant even like Skip or Eat an obnoxiously small amoutn because of my ED FRIEND BRUH I CONSTANTLY WANT TO KILL MYSELF I CANT FUCKING DO IT. i have always lowkey hated people watching me eat, but it's so damn awful to have my absolute best friends ever watching me eat my stupid ass food.

: i had cottage cheese, blueberries, mandarin oranges, 1 slice of turkey, and tomatoes + pickles today. logged as 350, might raise it to 400 lowkey but idk. im so fucking scared i hate it all I HATE ITTT... i can't wait until i can leave school and just eat lunch at home. but i have a yr because that privilege. Kms

: but now it means i have a LOW cal budget for dinner which means i cant do hw because im so so so tired. doesnt help that i have to work out like eveyr day because of my pe credits. i have no energy to do anything. but at least i have this temp blog. One thing off my plate. hah

: ended up getting a b on that stupid math test, which is fine ig. still disappointed but what am i gonna do. my best friend might drop out of my math class, and i have just been wanting to cry for her since i found out.

: anyways i dont know what im gonna eat for dinner bc WHat the helly can i even eat thats filling and delicious and nutricious and sweet and savory and spicy and filling for 400 cals. fuckkkkk this sucks . i ahte everything that i've been doing lately. i've been trying to drink a lot of water so my body doesn't feel the need to hold onto its water weight and now i am peeing every hour which SUCKS. everyting i do is embarrassing and stupid.

: i'm genuinely so tired all the time, i can barely focus on my homework. or classes. or conversations. and i'm still fucking UGLY. got a fuggler from one of my besties today and she said i looked like him (she meant just the hair) and girlfrienddd you are so right you dont even know!!! i'm so hungry. idk what to eat.

Warning. Discussion of self harm, restrictive eating.

: i might be in one of the worst self destructive episodes of my life rn. and i cant fucking snap out of it.

: i'm a very self destructive person. just in general. it's one of my traits, my habits, my sole purposes of being. it marks my existence. to me, it's a sign i'm doing well, a sign i'm back to normal. like an old friend, kind of. doesn't stop it from being any less fucking awful and annoying, though.

: in the past, my worst episodes have been marked by physical, generally visible destruction. red, raw gashes through my arms, my thighs, my calves. shining, glittering maroon lines decorating my skin. self harm was usually as far as i'd go. things generally healed quickly. nothing ever got too infected for me to deal with. it was an easy way to get the torturous rumination to stop. it's always worked, as long as i'd known to use it. and when i started cutting last year, the blades helped too much. addiction sprouted, and it's the least i can muster to say that i'm glad i've stopped cutting. i wonder what would happen to me if i kept going, kept using that pure white blade to make new gashes in my skin.

: but now, it's somehow worse. at least then, i wasn't so worried as to how i looked to other people. if they saw my cuts, my gashes, my cat scratches, fuck it. who cares? i can lie my way out, and even if they don't believe me, what will they say? i've never been as worried about appearances as i've been the past two months.

: i have not stopped fucking thinking about food. it's all i do. all i ever fucking do is try to wait out the hunger for as long as i can, inevitably eat way more than i had wanted, then walk for as long as i can to burn away the calories. it fucking sucks. my entire day to day routines are built around trying my best to eat as little as humanly possible, trying to make the best tasting treats for less than 30 calories, trying to get in as many nutrients as i can so hopefully, just hopefully, my body doesn't feel like it needs to eat everything in the house or it will shut down. luckily i haven't gotten to that point yet, but i wouldn't doubt myself to come back tomorrow night and write a blog post about how much i binged. fuck. fuck it all, man.

: the worst part is, i was doing so well until school started. i functioned on less than 450 cals for literally like a month. and i felt fine. it was all fine. i was functioning, never even thought about binging, about eating anything i shouldn't. and then school started and i'm a fucking mess. i hate it all. i hate myself so much. i can't even stop myself, i'm just so fucking hungry. and i've kept the same weight for 2 weeks now. fucking kill me already.

: i'm hoping and praying i'll get the strength to keep low restricting, now that i've eaten so much fucking food all weekend. i hate myself so much. all i want is to be pretty and skinny. it's honestly all i've ever wanted. i can't remember a time i wasn't envious of my thin friends. a time i didn't glare with jealousy at all the other girls who seemed so perfectly petite. i fucking hate it all. and it's only gotten worse. i've been slowly but surely drifting away from my best friend ever because i can't stand how thin they are. how unnaturally, unhealthily thin they are. i wish i were dead.

: anyways, hopefully i'll make a more permanent blog soon. i'm just so tired. and i had a lot to say.