Back on my bullshit.... Sighhh.........

hoping and praying i dont go back to cutting multiple times a day but things arent looking too good....

anyways, charli xcx is kinda funny. idk i dont really like her music but iys really catchy ?? and its stuck in my head a lot so i guess i must like it ??? idk its like. its not my favorite at all and i dont even really like it but its really good to skate to. Idk brat is just a funny album honestly. pretty good too. if it gets more hype rave pop music mainstream and mroe people start making music like that im all for it !!

ive been pretty kinda like. kinda sad lately ?? idk i think my period's coming (bc my stummy hurttttt omg ) and thats why im emotional Slash doing bad Slash craving sooo much junk food but idk !

thinking of getting the lihit lab smart fit actact wide open pencil case. i dont think its too huge (havent measured it out yet) and i thik itd fit everything i need. idk ! gotta order within a week probanly though so i have time. also found an ADORABLE pencil for doing my sudoku too ! might look for some good annotation tools for 1984 (gotta read it for school) . some new highlighters just got added to jetpens and the colors are soo cutesy ! but idk if id use them. sooo... idk !

dawg my stummy hurt SO BAD i lgit thought i just started... Hate this !!!

i think i might Cooka da Pasta again todat because it was just SO. GOOD. like genuinely i think i could eat that daily. might make a side caesar with it though, i havent been very Up on my veggies lately.. or fruit now that i think about it ..... Ummm yikes !

i have work again todayyy but hopefully it will be ok ! i really really need to make that printer money... im gonna say i made probably around 40 dollars yesterday, and will probably make arond 40 today. so by the end of next week i should have enough, if i work both days ! i love having money but i kinda dont like making it..

i have also been thinking of buying a better lip balm. mine have been unfortunately kinda drying out my lips and making me pick at them more, which is the OPPOSITE of what i need. might just use them all up first though. mine were decently pricey and they work.. fine.. as long as i use them like every hour LOL which i guess is what i shouldd be doing anyways

i am eepy... need to work on my hadnwriting. bye bye for now ! and sorry for not updating the site a lot recently. i mgiht go to a cafe w panini this weekend and try and code alll the stuff ive been putting off but idk ! i feel like i just havent had the energy Or creativity lately. gotta get on that !

OMG MY MOM GOT THE PRINTER I WANTED FOR ME !!! SHE BOUGHT IT FOR ME IM SOOO HAPPY OMG !!!!

i am SO HAPPY about this printer omg !! genuinely its soo nice and i am so so so soooo SO happy she did that for me . i love my mom so much she is the best ! i printed out a picture of my dog just to try and it was SO NICE OMGG im so happy u guys. omg

anyways i have work in like thirty minutes so... bye bye !

i go back to the other job todayyy and im really nervouss... i looked at the schedule and there are a LOT of new names and i am so scared !! i am so nervy !!

im sure itll be fine (i am hoping and praying with every cell in my body) but i am just so scared !! i love taking breaks but its soo hard to go back after beimg away for a while, its just so scary !!

i am almost halfway done with the cartridge i put in my kaweco a week ago, which is kinda crazy ! its a gorgeouss color, but im hoping it doesnt run out too soon. dont wanna wash it all over again LOL !

also the kaweco twist cap is honestly growing on me a LOT. it feels soo secure and its so satisfying. i know i used to hatee the twist feature but it just feels so much more secure than the regular pop off cap after my faber castell

my jet pens cart costs $29.50 right now. i have the lihit lab pencil case i wanted, some GORGEOUS inks, and a tombow mono graph pencil. i dont really need the pencil honestly, might take that out. the inks are also SUPER pretty but idk.. i have diamine aurora borealis ($8) and sailor shikiori nioi sumire ($6) but idk ! i def wanna hit $35 for free shipping, but i also dont really want to spend that much... i also dont get paid until AFTER i need to buy them (like i get paid 5 days b4 i leave and i need them to arirve Before i leave, and 5 days isnt enough for shipping time) and i think im definitely gonna feel guilty if i buy them before. which will probably end up happening anyways, but idk LOL

i am actually sooo nervous for work omg... like stummy hurt body shaking energy all time high. hate it hate it hate it !!! i need to be normal about doing stuff omgg..

i relapsed last night too (sorry guys... i lasted 25 days though!!), and i dont think thats helping my nerves :( not in anywhere visible Obvi but still . i was just so sad about it. i didnt even go hard or anything, it was just kinda... idk. i just felt very Blehhh and i just. ugh im so angry about it !!! i was 25 days clean, and then i messed it alll up :(

guess i cant do all that much to fix it at this point other than keeping clean again but gosh. it was just soo embarassing... whatever

hate to leave the entry on a negative note but i am just so nervous rn. i literally dont know what to do !!! i leave in like an hour too, and theres nothing i can do within an hour to feel better ... I dont know.

i think i will just try my bst and i will be all cutesy with my earrings and jewelry and everything. i will just be girl !! just girlcoded. hashtag girlyy.... im so nervous omg

i am SUCH a fountain pen enthusiast omg. i know ive had fountain pens for a few years now but honestly i think i just now get the complete hype !

since i got back, ive been using a medium nib kaweco with turquoise diamine ink in it for my journaling. and its been so much fun ! i loveee the way it writes and how you can hold it, i love the size when its capped AND when its posted, andi love love love the color !

honestly part of it may be because ive been using my faber castelle for like two weeks before this and that pen is kinda... Kinda janky ! like its a nice pen but it really irks me how much it leaks and how easy the bottom part swivels off. so now that ive got a Quality amazing pen that writes super well without any of the downsides it feels really great ! i dont know its just soo much fun

also might be the fact that the paper im using is a lot better than other notebooks i think. its 3.5 x 5.5 inches (i think) and it definitelyy has better paper quality than im used to. the brand on the back says fabriano and its red and its soo cute ! $15 but i guess you pay for the quality..

honestly its definitely worth it though. ive stuffed SO MANY papers and tickets and travel memorabilia into it and its holding on ! and its take a little over two weeks to fill it up halfway, which is pretty nice ! excited to keep writing though

honestly at this point im really hoping to start taking handwritten notes for school this year. i think it could be SO much fun if i get a pen thats really perfect for it !

and for that i think i might need a new pen. which is CRAZY bc i already have like. 5 fountain pens (yikes..) but i really think a fine nib would work a lot better for notes. and unfortunately, the only fine nibbed pen i have is an expensive one that i do NOT want to use for school....

honestly mght just use some gel pens or something. i dont know ! we will see lol

bye bye for now !

returned from london yesterday ! i had SUCH A GREAT TIME OMGGGG

we visited london, edinburgh, and painswick !! it was all sooo much fun but here are the highlights

in london we went to this ADORABLE alice in wonderland themed tea party ! and it was all SO DELICIOUS and they also had a gluten free menu (!!) so my celiac Bum could actually enjoy it ! it was so amazing. and the music was really loud but we asked our waitress AND SHE TURNED OFF THE MUSIC >??? AT THE PLACE ???? JUST FPR US ?????? ir was SO NICE OMG ! it was also in thsi adorable like little garden type beat i almost forgot we were in such a bustling city.

honestly everything in london was really great ! edinburgh was sooo busy though i didnt enjoy it as much.. i did have a really good time at this pathology museum ! it was a really interesting collection of medical history and it was sooo cool to see . i also had SUCH GOOD FOOD IN EDINBURGH. omg first night i had this yummmyyyy lamb and mashed potatoes and second night was THE BEST PASTA IVE EVER HAD. been craving yummy pasta and it HIT THE SPOT !!! was like penne in tomato cream sauce with some chilis and spices and chicken. Omg heavenly

painswick was super amazing !! we stayed in the CUTEST airbnb ever and the entire town was so quiet and peaceful, it was such a nice change from the buzz and bustle of city live we'd had for the previous week and a half. they also had teh BEST stores in and around the town ! i got suchhh cute things at this one charity shop in painswick and then i got other fun items in the nearby stroud ! super fun !!

then when we went back to london for a day (had to take the plane out of heathrow so had to come back for a day), i found THE. CUTEST. BAG. EVER. AT A CHARITY SHOP. ACTUALLY THE CUTEST THING IVE EVER PURCHASED. its a cath kidston pink star messenger bag with floral dark blue lining and IT IS MY FAVORITE THING EVER RN. and only for 12.50 pounds !! actually the best thing omg i love it so much

i also bought some really ncie stationery ! i bought a teranishi guitar brillante, a lamy safari in light blue (and one in dark blue for my dad), 4 muji pens, some red rose scented herbin ink, and some lamy cartridges !! really nice things everywhere omg

i dont think that even really scratches the tip of the iceberg of my vacation but its some of the highlighrs from my british adventure. im still SUPER tired so i might blog more tomorrow or something but thats all for now folks ! excited to update this site again, i have so many fresh ideas and creativity!!

love you all and it is so nice to be back :)

I dont think im gettign sigewinne. Poopoo... whatever. LEAVING IN LIKE AN HOUR TO PICK UP FRIEND N GO TO AIRPLANEEEEE AIRPORT !!! im actually SOOO EXCITED !!1

downloaded a lot of hsows and movies and books and music But idk i have a feeling im just gonna play a lot of games LOLOL ! also probably wont be updating this site for like almost two weeks so just wanna get that out there ! not abandoning, just traveling :) probz gonna put litte notices arond my site so people know too

anwyays, i really really hope this trip goes well !! soo exciytd omg ! alright gonna try and figure out what to wear now byebyee !! see yall in two weeks !!

hang out w Bestie today and omg it was SOOO FUN !!! we wanted 2 play minecarft but um... It was like. it was DOWN which was soo annoying but we just played... Um...we played genshin impact.................

we were playing music though and a song that was like. One of my top songs 4 cutting came up on shuffle which was SO LIKE... Omg. i get it now I get triggers omgg it like. uscle memory man omg :( still clean though ! 5 days clean u guys i am NAILING THISSS !!!

anyways, i always come back 2 genshin, unfortunately. every like 3 months or so i really like one of the new characters so i get back and i grind and i try sooo hard to get them, and this is no different. same happened with nilou (failed, but im ok i kinda didnt like her), furina (failed, but again Dont rlu like her LOL), navia (success !!! i loveee her so much she's actually my fave girlie rn. i think i posted about her a few months ago), and now its happening w sigewinne

i kinda knew it would bc when i was playing thru the fontaine story quests to try and get primogems 4 navia, i reallyyyy liked sigewinne and i was gonna grind for her b4 she came out ! but then i didnt...

anyways, now im back on that grind bc i REALLY WANT HERRRRR !!! i lost my 50/50 today though which was REALLY ALME... just got c1 keqing tho smh..

still havent gotten qiqi which im SOOOO PISSED ABT bc she was ngl my first ever fave my first ever dream character but whatever, i kinda dont like her all that much anymore LOL!

anyways, now i have like. 1 pity... and i have a feeling im not gonna get her until pity :( which i dont think ill b able to get enough primos for in the next few days LOL which suckss... idk im holding out hope though !! holding out hope

she's genuinely SO CUTE THOUGHHH omg i cant get over it !!! her ears And syringe And medical cutesy theme And her BOWW OMG THE HEART CUPID'S BOW OMGGG and she;s genuinely just SO ADORABLE i cant. I just cant omg

love her so muchhh i really hope i get her. wish me luck !!

im gonna go and try to grind out some primos rn. probz gonna play through an obscene amount of quests Slash explore like no one's ever explored before. see yall !

i slept soo badly last night. it was too cold and then too hot and then the sun woke me up and i had a blaring headache and i couldnt go back to bed so i showered but halfway through i had to sit down bc i thought i was gonna pass out. so then i sat in the shower for like 10 minutes while i tried to take Deep Breaths (i think i was out of oxygen or smth, the air felt rly gross) and waited to feel better. and then i finished showering but i still felt gross and i couldnt think and then i laid on a couch for an hour. and then i had breakfast (yogurt w oatmeal mix) and coffee

i need 2 Better my sleeping soon, bc i canNot b cranky on the plane !!! actually Sooo worried im gonna b such a bitch after that flight omg. hopefully it will all go well !!

i also think it has something to do with too much screentime/ no fresh air, which SUCKS because its too hot to go outside and so many of the things i like to do r online... whatever

i have bought so many clothes !! i bought TWO DRESSES and im soo happy w them !! one is like an ankle length blue dress and its actyually GORGEOUSSS except the bra i was wearing with it was.. Not the best. i also tried it Without a bra and it looked and felt fine (Surprisingly!) but idk if im down 2 not wear a bra Outside yet LOLOL !

i also bought a cutesie denim dress ! it has nice poofy sleeves and it actually looks and feels good ! idk how but i FINALLY am able to wear denim without feeling like i need to claw off my skin. im actually Soo happy abt it bc now i can wear BELLBOTTOM JEANSSSS AND THEY ALWAYS LOOK SOOOO CUTE ON OTHER PEOPLE !

i also bought a green dress but i kinda dont remember it LOL so whatever. and then i bought two SUPER CUTE bags ! one is leather and os actyually adorableee but im not taking it on my trip bc its kinda big for an edc bag and im Not allowed 2 bc my mummy is scared of pickpockets which makes sense but Idk kinda annoying

i think i also got a few shirts but i dont think i liked a lot of them. i REALLYYY want to be able to wear those super cutesie flowy Corset type beat blouses but all the ones i tried on this weekend made my boobs look weird which is like..... Whatever....... Thats FINE i guess...

anyways all this clothes shopping has Rly kinda annoyed me. so many clothes fit me perfectly in one place n then are OUTRAGEOUSLY incorrectly sized somewhere else. Rly annoying...

i have to start preparing but idk i kinda... Like. i kinda dont want 2.. i need 2 make a packing list and i need to figure out what im gonna wear on the plane but i genuinely dont know. bc i want to wear sweatpants and like a tank top and sweater but we r doing stuff Right After the plane and i kinda want to be at least Decently dressed while out n about. might take a change of clothes but Idk where id put the bulky stuff.. maybe id just stuff it in my suitcase but Idk man

anyways im so excited !! i really cant wait omgg !

i feel so lonelyyyyyy... None of my friends R online and i want 2 play minecraft Or call or do SOMETHINGGGG But its not :( Idk. I feel lonelyyy and i want 2 do things. Idk its kinda my fault, ive been pretty Annoyingn lately :(

im SO NERVOUS im gonna get Disgustingly Cranky on my flight. And im kinda bad at Pretending !!! so im relaly really scared im gonna freak out on our first day !!! which would super suck :( idk man im just kinda worried for all of it

worried abt Meals and Stress and Overstimulation and Asking for things and Dealing with things and Pretending and Lying and being awkward.. idk. im rly scared and nervous. i really really hope this doesnt Kill my friendship i think i would actually CRY and SOB and scream. And get worse again

lso i feel like Friend has been elss enthusiastic lately ! i cant tell if im being paranoid Slash black n white thinking but idk if they like me anymore... FOUR DAYS B4 OUR VACAY... hashtag nervousss i hope im reading it wrong but Idk. feeling pretty mentally ok... so :(

nvm the messages just werent loading for them LOLOLOL ! bpd try not to make me overthink abt every insginificant detail challenge (Impossible!). anywaysss im actually soo excited !!! cannot wait. also lovinggg minecraft on switch ! changed some settings and controls and its soo fun !

just finsihed one of my classes !!! yaya !! watching some little kids perform some dances to some songs and i feel like CRYING theyre so sweet omg... i wish i were that young again omg they seem like theyre having so much funnn just dancing ! omg i wish them the best in life

i relapsed yesterday. i was doing so good at staying clean but oh my god work was so bad yesterday. i didnt do too much lucj\kily, just a few small cuts on my upper arm and some cat scratches on my arms and legs

work sucked so much. there's this one guy working there and i totally get that you dont want to putyour whole heart and soul into a job but why cant you just Do Your Job !!! especially because the job is literally like. Literally tutoring kids. like youre supposed 2 be teaching them and helping them Omg he's SO ANNOYING because he just. Like he just doesnt seem to do it. at all

and then he'll start speaking spanish or french BADLY and ANNOYINGLY and he told this one girl to throw a dry erase marker (?????) at one of the other people working there and then he like. refused to help this other girl and oh my gosh he just gets under my skin. he's only working here for the summer but omg he's so annoying. and the worst part is no one tells him to stop !!! like dude what the hell why r u like. Why do u have plot armor girl u cant just do that :( it makes me really upset and annoyed and angry. anyways . i dont really know why that made me want to cut so bad but i felt soo deserving of it omg :( it felt really bad ...

at least my goal was to technically stay clean since today, so i didnt really break my whole goal... still felt really bad about it though oh my gosh :(

anyways. i am so glad my school ends todya !!! i dont think i could do another week of this shit

so excited for the weekend !! gonna play soo much minecraft. also my mom found my kaweco and im so excited to use it ! its green and id been looking for it for like a YEAR and im so excited ! dunno what ink im gonna fill it with though but whatever. i want to do a nice red or maybe pink or the regal purple for my vacay !! but idk !

thinking of getting a small little leuschterrn journal for my vacay so i can record everything that happens ! i think that would be fun, and it would save some space

i dont know whether or not i want to buy minecraft on my switch. becausee i def want to ! but its also 30 dollars. but ive also been workign a lot recently so i probablyyy madfe enough. idk i probably will end up buying it cuz i wont have my laptop. which also means i probably wont be editing this site as much :( maybe ill try to still do current moods and stuff. Idk ! maybe the place we're staying will have like a computer or something LOL we'll see !

ok im gonna try and find something to do for the next hour. maybe ill try and update one of my pages, but see u !

ALL DONE WITH CLASSES !!!! also bought some new shoes and shorts yaya ! also bought the CUTEST . CUTEST LITTLE LEATHER BAG IM SOOO HAPPY WITH IT OMG ! i think im going to buy a crossword or sudoku book tomorrow to put in it because its just big enough to fit a book and i LOve crosswords and sudoku! plus will be good to curb screentime while in Out n About LOL !

going to bookstore tomorroe and will probably get that puzzle book and a little mini leucsterrn book to Travel Journal !! also mgiht pick up a fiction book but idk i feel like i wont be really into reading on vacation, so

excited !!! will be having sleepobver (hopefully !!) with my BEST FRIEND tomorrow yayayya and we will play minecraft !!!! im so excited . i love doing stuff with my friends i love love LOVE IT !!!! i feel so human omg ❤️

one week til my vacation !!! very excited !!!

a teacher complimented me on my portishead sweater today LOLOL it was funny !

i am still so tired. 3 more days of school tho

Ok irls unallowed

Nuh uh dawg. I gotta get OFF the jealous grind. gonna make me lose my 21 hr clean streak.....

honestly at this point though Idk if i want 2 be clean. like its kinda fun 2 go crazy. might just have 2 stop myself from cutting on my Arms and anywhere visible with t shirt and shorts bc Idk if i can do this man. Slash Gen.

Anyways. My Bpd Jealousy Insanity Fp brain is goig crazy rn . I Hate this !!! WHy am i like. abusive overprotective boyfriend core im actually gonna kill myself

i have 2 remind myself like. Hourly that my best friend Also thinks of me as their best friend !! its . Its not working as well tho rn... which def sucks bum hole. idk and thebiggest thing i can remind myself is ALSO NOT WORKING THAT WELL !!! and idk how im gonna fix it because im Actually going crazy and idk how much reausurance i will need at this point

plus its gottaa be annoying for everyone i know. so serious i Do Not know how my friends havent cut me off at this point because im genuinely and so honestly just like. Just Crazy...

ughg i have 2 go study. bye guys i hope i feel better

i think i will force myself to be clean for at LEAST a week before my vacation. i think hiding will actually b AWFUL and will detract from my experience a Lot. and i really really want 2 have fun. and ngl i think its ruining all my friendships LOL !

plus if i can get everything to heal it means i can go clothes shopping Normally !! and i dont have to worry. i really have to do this. at least stop from the visible places. maybe ill give myself grace on my stomach or smth but Idk.

i am so tired !!! this is my alst week of summer school though so yay !

i need to find a good offline music player for iphone. spotify is Not doing it for me ngl... plsu theyre raising the premium price AGAIN and its now 12 bucks a month ??? ur joking my bum off. gotta wean myself off LOLOLOL ! if anyone has any good iphone music players tho lmk ! so many youtube only songs i needdd to listen to offline man... SO many....

ok i will go play minecraft now :) yay !

had such a fun sleepover last night ! i played minecraft for like. Almost the whole time and then we watched percy jackson and criminal minds and played some Trivial Pursuit

i am Sooo tired all the time. not even tired like Gosh i dont wanna go anywhere but tired as in if i dont have coffee i will Not b able to function. i hate it so much

last week of summer classes though !! and then 1 week and then i leave for LONDONNNNN IM SO EXCITED !!! apparently they have Good stationery stores so i might just hope and pray i can get a kaweco student there ! i am so excited omg !

irlz cant read from here on out

and mentions of self harm

Tensions Rising in My Household. i have about 2 weeks left tp tell my mom before a) she finds out at home and i am yelled at for like 4 hours b) she doesnt find out and i am forced to be without Tools and will probably haver everything heal, so it wont even matter c) i dangerously injure myself d) she finds out while we're clothes shopping or something and berates me in the car

all of them are awful Awful options. honestly just hoping she doesnt find out and i can find soem tiny blade to take with me just to keep myself Sane .

literally brought a blade to the sleepover last night and CUT MYSELF AT A FRIEND'S HOUSE. it was actually crazy i did Not feel real it actyally felt so crazy. the new blade worked Well tho ! it was very sgarp i was happy :) didnt ave to put too much pressure

been splitting so much. also been crazy paranoid

ok i think i will play minecraft for an hour before i have to go to bed. have to get up at like 6 tomorrow Blehhh

back on my Insanity Grind. so tired and so . So wanting 2 do my Bad Habits again...

keep going to bed too latee bc im plating minecrar but its SO MUCH FUN !! i am building the cutest house Eveerrr

yestrrday was tiring but OKk i basically just played minecraft all day

i want 2 collage but i havent had time :(

Btw iffiot said she didnt wanna b credited but. I didnt know what 2 name it LOLOL

ONE SEC CLASS IS STARTING

i am Sooo tired i really dont wanna go 2 work. Boohoo hoo at least i will maybe make some Gooodddddd Moneyyyy

i really just want to play minecraft tho ... Like thats all i want 2 do. And . And another thing

my arm got SUPERRR sore and pained like an hour ago though. i hope it gets better

I WANT MONEY !!!! I WANT SO MUCH MONEY I NEED TO BUY THINGS . spotify premium is chaging its price AGAIN to literally 12 dollars a month what the bum hole. Im going to shoot spotify ceo PLEASE why must you DO THIS TO ME I WLL CRY

i am Probably having a sleepover tomorrow yaya !! we r going to banres and noble before (I Think) and i might buy a leuchtern (i forgot how to spell) journal but idk i havent collaged in a while :( hopefully i will tomorrow but idk

i am Sooo tired and i feel kinda Poopoo.. i dont wanna work on a project or a paper or another project !!! I dont wanna do ANYTHIGN

ok i will get 2 work now. Goodbye Gamers

I Am FINALLLY FIXED !!! That was one hell of an episode omg . i think that was probably the worst ive felt in ... like a year ?? i always forget just how hard summer is on me, mentally and physically

anyways ! me and my sister switched rooms ! i think that closet was where the bugs were coming from Soooo we switched ! and i bought SOOOOO MUCH CUTE STUFF FOR MY ROOM OMGGGG !!!! i got this ADORABLE lamp, the lampshade is like all pastel floraly and the base is like a Sage Green vase ???? Dude its SO CUTE !

and then for my bathroom i got this ADORABLE MATCHING GLASSWARE SET so now my soap dispenser, cotton ball jar, and toothbrush holder all match ! and theyre glass with this CUTESY FLORAL PATTERN omg. i love it. i loveee matchy matchy

and then i also got floral shower curtains and bath mats ! I Love Flowers omgg

on a more serious note, im going to actually like . Have 2 stay clean. i have to go clothes shopping for my Vacayyy soon nd i do NOT want my mom to know anything else :( we alreadu sat and cried together yesterday, i felt so bad.

also yesterday moving my room tooK SO LONG IT WAS CRAZYY it look like. like 3-4 hours with me AND my mom working on it, but thank god we did it because its so nice !! i think i needed a change of scenery. im not very good at staying in one place for too long unfortunately

i also had like. an aversion to opening the blinds in my old room (i think bc the window was too big ?? Idk) but this new one has two small windows so its a lot easier ! and i think the light is better. th other window faced east so in the morning it would b BLINDING and the room would get sooo gross and yellow but these windows are not facing sun up or sun down so Yayy !!

i really hope i keep this new room clean, i do not want to go insane again :(

anywaysss i have school in a couple hours, but i Super dont want to go . at least we're just taking notes but i genuinely just wanna play minecraft !!! at least wednesday is off

ok thats all for now byebye !!!

ughgghgh i was doing Sooo good 36 hrs cleann and then i relapsed (idek if u could call it that) for like . No REason... Poopoo

its fine tho i played minecraft for like 3 horus so that was fun !! also had a superrr yummy salad earlier

ok i gotta go 2 bed i need to get up at 6;45 BAAHAH night !

yesterday was so much fun !! me toes and panini played minecraft it was EPICCCC and then i got a BEVVYYY it awas soo good

there've been so many roaches in my house lately and i cant do it i absolutely cannot handle it its so bad i hate them so much im so afraid of them :(

botw is so fun ! i found te master swrd but i have 7 hearts so ... Um.... Yeah ....

warning for self harm

i have Not been able 2 cut as much as i want BECAUSE OF THESE STUPIDDDD ROACHESSSSS I CANT DO IT Its so annoying. might have 2 get over my fear just to get my daily dose of bloodletting... its actually such a pain in the bum

last night i had a dream where my mom found out and she got sooo mad... so i Dont think im gonna tell her anytime soon LOL. its probably a sign

everything is healing so great though actually !! its so nice, i get all the space back after only a couple days its sooo great i love it so much

still havent opened my new blades and its been a WEEK. im annoyed but idk i feel bad.

also just forgot i was supposed 2 keep my forearm Clean to wear short sleeves . 😭😭😭😭😭i FORGOT poopoo

i hvent journaled in a bit. maybe i will today

i cant do this anymore i am getting dangerously close to ending it

it feels so good i cant stop it

i love splitting on others so much !!!!!!!!!! I Love it when my friends r actually evil and hate me . I love black and white thinking. Its so . Great .

they should invent a brain that doesnt want the worst for you

they should invent a house where bugs dont infest every square centimeter

i havent eaten anything since breakfast. i fele hungry but not for food.. i dont want to eat either. i want to cut so bad but my sister is back home and i dont know when she's gonna come out of her room and im scared to be in my bathroom. i hate bugs so much

i was so seriously comtemplating suicide earlier. i want to do it so bad. the only thing stopping me is how sad some people would get but idk . idk if i believe they would really care

took a 5 hour nap and i still feel like shit . i wish i did not wake up .

every single person has been endlessly annoying me . i cant do this anymore

on my isolating A Game tho . #Blocking

TODAY IS PANINI/IOLANTHE'S BIRTHDAYYYYYYYY !!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY PANINI HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY BEST BIRTHDAY !!!!!

ok irlz now unallowed

And talking about self harm ...

I was supposed to study last night but i only wanted to cuttt and then i COULDNT DO IT AS MUCH AS I WANTED BC THERE WAS A FREAKING ROACH IN MY. THERE WAS A ROACH IN MY BATHROOM !!!! and then i had 2 ask my mom to get rid of it and then she SAW MY TRASH CAN !!! AND ALL THE BLOODY PAPER TOWELS IN IT !!!

thank goodness i managed to play it off by saying i cut myself while trying to shave with my sister's razor (ive never shaved b4 and never wanted to idek HOW she believed it omg) And then it was ok ! and then she gave me like a real razor to shave with which was fineee

anwyays i also couldnt cut this mornign and now i think im gonna b jittery all day ogm it SUCKS

yesterday someone emailed my neocities email and reached out to me about sh and like some advice and stuff which was SO SO SO SO SOOO SWEET but omg i feel so bad. ive never realized that people across the world can read this stupid blog with its stupid ideas and stupid venting LOL it was crazy

i have jsut been so so so sad lately. also havent felt real at all. legitimately i dont feel like anything has happened in the past 2 weeks, i dont what has been going on because i dont feel any of it. and no one here knows it and im glad im great at hidign it but its so sad honestly. i really wish i could b normal

im supposed to go drive some more after school but i dont think i will. might just stay home... and cut... and play botw. maybe i will get a beverage before

i really wanted to get at least a day clean for like. a birthday present panini would maybe like but i completley forgot. honestly i dont think i could at this point

i think i need to be on meds. idk what kinds but i think this is not a life anyone should be living. ill take anything i can to fix it

i really should start bringing a blade in my bad. i have 5 more hours of this and i dont wanna be in hell again

i hate school. Bye for now

SOME KID THREW A BAG OF CHIPS AT ME BAHAHHAAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHA

warning for self harm. like. Decent amount.. dont recommend irlz 2 read but whatver..

i cant WIAT 2 go home n CUTE no e i cant wait I cant fricking wait. i didnt cut as much as i wanted to this morning and now i feel it like itching in my veins and my hands and my arms i need 2 cut i Need 2 omg..

but today is my dad's birthday and i feel so sad about it. maybe i will just cut right before bed, and then play botw again for two hours before sleeping or something. i dont know.

today marks two weeks since i started using a blade. i was thinking about when i should tell my mom and ask for help. i cant tell her before my vacation, but i might end up getting better on it. but i am so scared for when school starts and i have 2 wear my usual short sleeve uniform. i hope they heal but i also dont

i want to cut my thighs up soo much its so nice, i wish no one around me cared

wondering if i will ever wear short sleeves again if they dont heal completely. that would be a shocker for some people i think. maybe ill just stop caring

back 2 class soon. bye bye for now

I a, so jittery !!! I want 2 cute no e. I am so. Omg, i should start bringing Blade 2 school. havent opened package but Omg. I should store them everywherrr....

should start hiding my trash can because there r SO Many Bloody Paper Towels. and i dont want. A anyone knowing... omg

I Want 2 Cut i Need to cut omg. i am feeling soo sososos So ugly and disgusting !!! Please i just need to feel normal I ned 2 look normal omg. I cant wait 2 make all the little lines on my arms

i think i Perfected my technique (weird way to say it but its kinda right..) and i am able to get as much blood as i want without going too deep Or not drawing blood at all !!

cant believe i started this 2 weeks ago. time has not felt normal in ages.

i cant wait to get out of here

Bahahah i GOT HOME and i fulfilled all my urges omg the world is bright again. my shoulder might be red but the sky is blue🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈

i am so tired forever. i dont wanna go 2 work tomorrow i DONT wanna go 2 work tomorrow but at least the main guy is back i think.. and ill be making money to fund my kaweco student ! decided i will buy it, maybe in a couple weeks

im glad that guy is back, he was the Most Normal. i hope he wasnt sick or smth, Hope he was on a Vacayyyy ! i have been thinking about asking people there about what i should do Regarding things Idk how 2 fix but idk thats also weird... but also idk. im so tired, i just need some good advice from sometime 20 years older than me :(

i never wanna stop cutting omg its sooo fufilling... maybe if i tell my parents nicely they will let me continue :) they probz wouldnt tho

i am so tired summer school is so fricking exhausting. mayeb ill just play botw for the next 2 hours... but also..... cute no e.......... Omgggg decisions !!

byebye Girlies... i hope work and school are fine but tbh they probably wont be

i started driving yesterday !!! beep beep. Vroom vroom charli xcx. speaking of, she released the OFFICIAL spring breakers ! But it kinda sucks LOL the live version was sooo much better... she dropped the heavy bass and slowed it down and its not as good, not a fan...

anyways yaya i started driving ! sefinitely weird and i SUCK at it. like a lot. like embarassingly... idk how to do the smooth brake, and i cant tell where the car is in space. and the only advice my mom has is i just haveto Feel the Car. thanks mom

ok warning about self harm and stuff from here on out.

I KEEP MAKING !! THE STUPIDEST !!! MISTAKES !!! i made a very emotional Diary Entry yesterday (emotiomal as in more Venting and Ranting and Emo and talking about a lot of stuff i was feeling) and i was very happy w how i decorated it ! and so i sent it to panini BUT I DIDNT REALIZE THEY WERE GONNA READ IT AND I WAS SOOO STUPID. Omg . actually embarassing. i didnt think they could Or Would read it. and then we had a whole long convo abt how i DONT WANT THEM 2 HELP or WORRY and they kept telling me to look into cognitive distortions.

everything is healing fine, yay ! keep cutting a little more on my legs and thigh. wearing my shortest shorts while i cut so i can tell where to stop and draw the line, wherever the shorts dont cover i dont cut. im still not going deep deep tho which is good, but its bleeding ok. its enough that im satisfied but not too much to cause damage.

still peeved on being unable to wear shirt sleeves. going on a vacay with panini soon and they said if their mom sees i will probably be BANNED to hang out with panini. PooPooooooo . itll probably just make me a better hider though

i dont want to go to work. i really just want to go home and collage and diary and write. ive been using crayons to Spice Up my spreads and its so much fun !! no bleed through, vibant colors, and a cool vibe so i like them a lot ! added some to my journal bag

i really want to get some new fountain pens and some ink, but the one i want the MOST is 60 dollars... yikes.. i hope i dont get it but i also REALLY WANT IT so idk man

been soo into punkinloveee sigilkore hyperpop tyoe beat. Love it !!

also you dont love me by rebzyyx is soo good. the lyrics man. 'cutting in the bathroom im such an asshole,' legit like. thats so me. Omg , me abd my self talk in the bathroo, every evenung after school..,.. knife in my skin ??? im carvung ??? You know it girl omg i lobe hyperpop it gets me. plus the song sounds great

i need to get paninis birthday present i have FOUR DAYS im such a failureee

one year anniversary of my site though ! pretty cool. cant really do anything to commemorate it though

technically in class so im gonna try and keep working. i cant wait to be home

i am so ugly.. ive known this for a long long time but it dawned on me again today just how hideous i am

nothing i do helps, either

i am so tired all the time, i want to sleep forever. i cannot wait for summer school to be over so i can just do whatever the hell i want all day

drawing with a fountain pen is so fun ! we didnt really do anything in government today so i just doodled with my lamy safari and omg it was so nice !! i have a medium nib in it rn and some black ink in a cartrdieg and its soo smooth. such a good texture. i think i will make a spread soon with just doodles from that pen.

i need to organize my collage bag. rn its like full TO THE BRIM and i need to figure out what to take out, which kinda sucks cuz ive been using everything. maybe ill replace some markers with other things. i dont think ive ever used the brown, or grey, so..

i am so sore. i hope i can focus more at school tomorrow, i really want to get into the smart girlie mindset..

warning for self harm. again..

went 2 kinokuniya and that area !! they didnt have that much stuff i wanted tho... basically only got stickers, like 3 pens, a marble soda, and hichews. also got the pair of blades id been wanting !!!!

wanted to get a smaller, cuter one from daiso but PANINI FRICKIGN STOPPED ME... omg. and it was Then i realized they didnt know i have bought the other blades and i thought i was off the hook !!

until we got to their house and i showed them a pic of said Haul i took but i SCRATCHED OUT THE BLADES in the haul and they FUCKING REALIZED and then they saw the actual blades and i wanted 2 kill myself !!!!

still do. like i really feel awful i did nto want them to know or find out and i just wanted to rewind two weeks ago before i had told them anything about me cutting

ugh i just feel so bad. i sriously hope they stop caring. it would make me feel so much better

who the hell decided to make self harm so fucking addictive. i hate this so much. cant wear the clothes i want cant do the things i want cant think straight cant have empathy. i cant do anything right. literally hyperfocused on whenever i can cut next. thinking about what areas to go so i can have room tomorrow, and the day after, letting stuff heal just to reopen it.

my arm is so sore. its so annoying. i started cutting on my upper upper thigh, right next to my hips. its so satisfying its actually unreal

i feel so shitty constantly. i dont feel real and nothing feels like it matters rhough. am i ruining all my friendships and meaningful bonds? probably. can i, or will i do anything about it?? pribably not. part of me is so angry at myself for letting this happen; the other aprt doesnt care. i dont think i could tell you any memories ive had for the past 3 weeks. literally feel so derealized disassociated whatevrr nothing is happnong. i feel like im in the truman show if it was boring

i want to feel better, but i dont even know if i can. i dont think ive been mentally okay in so long, i dont even know what i would do. i have been wondering about asking m parents for a therapist, but i dont think it would really help. or in better words, i dont think id LET it help. i dont think i would be honest at all

ok. i think thats all for now. if my irlz are reading this, im soo sorry guys. yall mean the world to me and i am so sorry for everything im doing. i wish i could stop, i really do, but i dont think ill be able to for a while. thanks for having my back thusfar, but i wont blame yall if you stop. I wouldnt wanna stick by me if i were yall anyways LOL

warning for self harm

everything hurts all the tire, my arm is so sore and my legs ache so often. which is STUPID and it feels like such a scam bc i dont even cut on them Smh... ugh. maybe getting better tho ! I was too tired to cut this morning so i didnt, like 12 hrs clean yahoo !

i pushed the blade ever so slightly hardly and omggg it bled more than i expected and there was a FREAKING BUG in my bathroom so i just had to let it bleed for a few minutes until i felt safe enough to go into the bathroom. lol.. and then my arms hurt a lot and i got a little worried so i just took melatonin and went to bed

movies for guys is such a good song. i need more good music to losten too but its soo hard to find fire songs ngl.. especially ones that sound like a lot of my other favorite songs. ps if you havent noticed a lot of these are titled after songs i like

i say irlz dont read on a lot of these, but honestly i guess that makes it worse.. i dont really care if irlz read these i just dont want people to worry so :(

going to a stationery store tomorrow !! gonna try and limit myself though to only a few items or maybe a money limit, i spend too much money. i want to see if they have any ink or converters for my fountain pens but idk

im so tired, i feel so bad for my body trying to heal everything. my bathroom trash can is full of bloody paper towels and im so scared if my mom looks i there, i am so scared i feel so bad for her i wish she didnt care. i wish none of my friends cared ngl, it just makes it harder and sadder and i just feel so regretful for telling people but i think i would feel worse if i didny

been feeling awful. i just feel so bad. i hope this weekend is restful

i hate school i cant wait to get home. i wnat to change and ___ and then have a sweet treat and journal and play botw and rest and skate and dinner and skate and

i am so sad ua will no longer be updating, but i am very happy they are going on to bigger and better things :( will 100% miss the thoughtful updates though :( :(

i hate how much money i spend. i am going to be terrible at managing my finances.

i feel so sad. i dont know what to do. im bored. im tired. im upset. i ___ and now i just feel sad. everything is bleeding a lot quicker. dopamine hits stopped. but i feel so bad for even stopping a little. was almost 24 hrs clean but i am so used to spending time ___ing that now i dont know what to do instead. and i want to keep doing it but its just not the same. and i feel like throwing up now. maybe ill just try and go a little lighter to get the hit but stop bleeding so much

im just so scared of getting an infection. or anyoen finding out. there are so many bloody paper towels in my bathroom and its disgusting and obvious. i hope my mom doesnt look in there.

irlz not allowed to read

ill be talking abt self harm and suicide in this entry, and its generally a pretty angry and sad entry,so... warning !!

i love having a diary i love journaling i love scrapbooking !!it is so fun and fulfilling. i think this is probably my best coping skill. probz wont feel as good as cutting tho...

I Cant Wait To Get New Blades i cant wait i cant wait omg omg omg maybe i will also get a sharpener omg or like a sterilizer?? do they sell blade sterilizers ??!?!?? idk but if so i Really Want One. omg.

running out of cute looking sweaters to wear tho... erm... Um... might have 2 refrain from cutting on my forearm for a bit but oh my GOD is it satisfying. i actually hate how fast everything is fading omg. it really just makes me want to cut more i should have Neverrr done summer school omg... its so hard and it triggers me Soooo bad and i have 2 wear ALL my sweaters Every Day. fricking peepeecore to the MAX. omg

my other best friend knows im cutting now. Fuck Me !!!!! i actualy feel like such a failure omg. i did not want her to find out at all i wanted to not have her know ever ever. i feel so stupid and bad and lame. i genuinely feel so guilty and upset

and she texted me giving me advice and letting me know i could always talk to her but holy shit those messages were such a punch to the stomach. like i actually onl want to cut more now because i feel like such a failure at hiding it. omg..

i also have work, and idk what im gonna do about my arms there. i might just keep wearing sweaters and hopefully i wont overheat in pants and sweater in this weather. idk

the annoying thing is my forearm cuts could heal so fast !! they could probably heal completely in 3-4 days, theyre so shallow. and my work shirt is way too big for me so i could genuinely just like. just cut on my upper arm/shoulder area and no one would know ! If i were good at hiding it and keeping it there of course

but this stupid bitch cant do that !!! Nonono she's fucking addicted to the cuts on her arms !!! and she gets so sad when she sees theyre fading !!! what the hell. why couldnt i have gotten addicted to something normal. genuinely this makes me so upset omg. and its such a. like its such a bad thing to do. its genuinely so ugly, idk why they make me feel so good. i was looking in my bathroom mirror a couple days ago after cutting my shoulder pretty rough and oh my god it is genuinely so so so ugly i look like such a stupid bitch i cant do it i cant do it at all. im genuinely thinking about just slitting my wrists now, i literally have the tools and everything

im so sorry this should not be on the main diary page, i just dont feel shitty enough to put it on the other one. idk

i just wish i was not so validated by my scars. i saw people online talking about how they feel the need to self harm because its a physical sign that 'shows theyre sick' or whatever. and i guess i relate. i just feel so so so bad about it. i domnt know. im gonna try and go to bed early tonight. maybe try and play some botw.

tbh i would make this a diary entry if i could, but unfortuantely im too tired to organize a good spread. plus i feel like im gonna have 2 cut this post short bc my head hurts soo much

summer school sucks u guys. omg. it was exhausting, and honestly worse than regular school. history of art and music was fine, but omg government took a toll on me my head hurt soo bad i was so weary and drowsy

only good thing is friend showed me two of her RLY COOL fountain pens !! one was a pilot prera and the other was pilot kakuno, but i reallyyyy want both... like Badly.. also want some pretty diamine ink omg ! thinking of getting into daily journaling, i think it would be so fun but idk. but i think having a fountain pen might keep me to it, it would b so fun to write with ! but theyre soo expensive, and my jetpens cart for two converters, the two pens, and too mini bottles of ink is 76 DOLLARS !??!?!?!??!?! ughhhghghgh i want money unlimiteddd i want unlimited money :(

work was also really tiring too, i really cant take it. i hope im not working wednesday and thursday, but with my luck im guessing im gonan have to... yikes

ok from here on out warning for MORE TALKING abt cutting and self harm. and, AGAIN, no irlz ..... sorry guys yall gotta bear w me for like 2 months LOL

was so close to telling my mom and letting her listen to me cry and rant and sleep. i want her to comfort me and tell me it will be ok but i dont think she will, she's gonna get so mad and she's gonna take away my blade and i dont want that. but i also need a shoulder to cry on. ive been so down in the dumps lately, and idk how to fix it

in all seriousness i really really need to actually try and stay clean but oh my gosh its soo tempting... was in summer school legit just thinking abt bringing a blade to school w me so i could CUT IN THE BATHROOM WHATTTTT like Girl u canNOT do thattt omg... but also iy woild help w the urges sooo much... and would get me focused.... idk u guys i need a more Discrete form of sh LOLOL

wish my cuts would heal eitehr faster or slower. poo poo

i feel so bad for everyone around me rn. my poor poor mom is gonna have to figure this out probably when i nmake a mistake or go to far or just accidentally show her. my best friend is worried abt me, and im pretty sure people can tell im like. Not Ok rn lol/.... ugh. welp. We Live and We Ballll

collaging is soo much fun. having a diary is so much fun . i love writing down everything !!

i want to get another fountain pen so bad. i want a fountain pen that is both adorable yet also great to write with and has a really pretty ink. but everything i want is so expensive :(

summer school starts tomorrow and my stupid bitch sister took the notebook i was gonna use for summer school with her to camp... ugh. gotta either buy another or make do with an old ratty half used one

Ok from here on out gonna be talkign abt sh and cutting and stuff AGAIN. sorry guys i havent been doing too great . Oh also irls cant read

told panini i would stop cutting last night bc they said that knowing that i am actively shing is Bad for them. i said i would but WHoops i forgot and cut three times today ! Hahahah i hope on everything that theyre not reading this.

anyways im still scared that im gonna end up triggering them Somehow which is megalame :(

TERRIFIED im gonna b bad at hiding the cuts. im Not very good @ dealing w heat and here in texas, the temperature gets pretty high.. so.

might just wear sweater no shirt underneath to force myself to keep them hidden. idk people already think im weird i dont wnat them to get any more ideas

was looking in the mirror like 20 minuytes ago and realized just how ugky they are. almost started crying. i just have red spkotches all over my arms now. and i cant even stop and idk how to stop. i dont even know if i want to

revisited the bpd wikipedia, fitting 8 of the criteria now. i want to get diagnosed so badly, i want to get better and normaler. i cant keep doing all this . at the very least i need someon to tell me if i do or dont have borderline. i hate knowing just how well the disorder would fit me and all my behaviors but also knowing i will probably never be diagnosed, simply because i dont want to tell anyone a nything that i do. bc its all fucking disgusting

ok. i am gonna go work on smth else. havent touched a lot of this site in days and im really annoyed abt it. goodbye 4 now

i need pinterest to STOP GIVING ME THE FUCKING SUICIDE HOTLINE. just let me look @ stupid sh memes PLEASE

holy shit holy shit holy shit the urges r so Strong. I need to i need to I need more stupid little lines on my dumbass arms Omg i need the pain i need

journaling might b the only way to combat this shit... Omg. i cant have like THREE DIFFERENT DIARY ENTRIES abt cutting. that would b kinda lame... Omg

scared im gonan go too deeppp i need 2 go to store w friend and buy some new blades im scared this one is gonna rustt and its getting dullerrrr lamee... would sharpen but Idk how and i dont wanna compromise the Sterile-ness. its probz not clean anyways but i dont wanna risk anything

the weirdest thign is my arms dont even hurt, its basically just my legs which i DONT even cut on. Crazy ..

my mom came home like an hour ago and she noticed me picking @ my nails and she got so sad at that... im so afraid for when she finds out im cutting. she's either gonna cry or kill me. she also emntioned taking me to a therpist or getting me meds if i need. Which like.. i don tknow. i probably should take her up on hr offer But Not Now !! not gonna take away my Coping SOurce rn Lololol. this sucks so much omg

honestly dbt would probably be helpful IF I LET IT.. last time i had a therapist i was too scared of ruining her impression of me that i didnt tell her ANything important LOLOL . kinda ruined the point and i dont think ive grown enough since then for anything to change.

back 2 cutting 4 times a day. i should have never ever tried out that blade oh my god. probably worsr decision i have ever ever made.

been playing SOOO much botw its so much fun !! I Love Zelda u guys omg she;s so CUTEEE SHE'S SO SWEET I LOVE HER OMG

collaged ! made a spread for my fave songs. panini told me 2 post them on my webbysite somewhere but Idk. i probz should end up logging them on the journal page but idk if i want the stress that they'll be on the INternet for everyone to see. so i dunno if ill end up doing that

down the drain by Julia Fox is sooo good.. so good. been lostening to a lot of charli xcx bc her boiler room set was KILLERRRRR i absolutely loved it ! great skate music too

i want to go to a stationery store !! i want to get a nice fountain pen that i can journal daily news w. like in my scrapbook, i can just have a daily notes pen for actual diary entries. maybe ill ask if friend wants 2 go next weekend or smth !

although ngl, i dont even need any more stationery. might just go and look if they have any scrapbook materials or stickers or maybe markers or smth bc i dont have that many cute ones so...

also wanna get some more keychains ! and maybe pins. my delfonics bag is a little bland rn

ok from here on out Irlz cant read. and again, more talks of self harm, so be warned and stay safe yall !!

omg i keep cutting its so bad. yesterday i only did it twice and like pretty small, but today i cut THREE TIMES. Ugh. what the freakkk... doesnt help that no one was home so i didt have anyone to stop me. Omg.

legit cut more than i ate today... it was so bad

i wish the cuts weren't so gratifying. something about seeing little red lines on my skin in the mirror makes me feel so proud, its disgusting. im so scared for when summer school starts (Two Days..) im gpnna forget i have them and like wear short sleeves and UhOH ! Everypne's gonna see how uch of a FUCKING FAILURE i am... Yikes

hopefully i wont tho.. hoeofully. idk, im just scared this Issue is gonna end up spiraling out of control. im also scared my mummy is gonna find out and she's gonna KIL ME and send me to a ward or smth.... So scared for that to happen. i dont think it will, but still yikes

also just feel AWFUL bc im scared im triggering my bestie to relapse which would actually make ME CRY SO HARD. im so scard of being a trigger omg you guys Jelp.

ok. i will try and go to bed early, ill probz end up playong botw for like two hours tho BAHAHA! good night tho yall !

irls cant read. also, more talks of self harm and cutting n stuff. Be Warned

i cut like 4 times yesterday. not deep at all but oh my god i get what my friend meant by sh addiction. its all im thinking about now. yesterday at work i was thinking about the best place to cut that is easy to hide but also satisfying enough

made a collage about sh. looked really gross and ugly though, so i kinda just used it as a space to vent abt sh and what i was thinking about. i like the scrapbook diary type beat

i should have never tried out that blade. it is so so so easy to make myself bleed. the cuts also go away so fast. which is a good thing, i know, but i also know im gonna keep cutting so i can keep seeing the scratches. ive always gotten the most satisfaction from the blood and the marks my cat scratches left behind, but w cutting i dont get as much as either. its a very quick dopamine hit, and i dont even get pain from showering. when i would scratch hard enough (usually at night bc thats when i get the Craziest), the morning after would be AWFUL because i would shower, and the water would burn my skin so much. so it was a remnant from the night before. i couldnt forget as easily, a reminder. and it would keep burning for a couple days, so i still had a little bit of the pain

thats the other thing ! cutting doesnt hurt. like at all. i dont get ANY satisfaction from that aspect. honestly most of it is just how easy the blood pools out. like scratching would take a while, and not always guaranteed. blade is easier in that regard

ugh. sorry my posts lately have been so negative, ive just felt so bad. im so scared im gonna end up going deeper and deeper and eventually hit hypodermis or even fascia or muscle and im not gonna be able to tell anyone. im also so scared for anyone to find out

cat scratches are a lot easier to make up excuses for. cuts cant be passed off as anything else..

ok. i think i will try and collage diary for a bit. i have too much to say

feeling SO many urges rn. wanna cut up my thighs So Bad. I will try to wait for tomorrow tho

anyways my bag is coming together ! still gotta finish up the handles and the pocket but the main part is almost done !

i want to collage about my favorite songs too

so many things i want to do!!

got ayummy bev, then went Shopping w the fam and Omggg i wanted 2 cut SO Bad it was SO SO SO SO SO BAD I had 2 like. Fight for myself when i got home Omg i had 2 immediately do smth or i would have cut and i Did NOT wanna do that in the middle if the day...

anyways. played legend of zelda botw for like 2/3 hours so That was fun !! also rollerskated.

so tired... scared im gonna cut AGAIN tonight. did a little bit in the morning which honestly did not help... only got me to want to cut up my thighs LOL ! not actually funny. Like so unfunny... Gosh i need 2 stop

ok. gonna keep working on collage. Gppdbye

omg im gonna go CRAZY this weekend. its gonna b so bad.

cut too far down on my arm bc i forgot that im probbaly gonna have to wear short sleeves soon. Shit. theyll probably heal quickly which is good, but again... im scared im probably gonna make more

didnt end up Cutting my leg !! yayyy.

down the drain by julia fox is rly good

i will go to bed. and play some botw. good night guys, love you all

didnt have to go to work today yay ! the power was still out over there so i just crocheted all day. found a super cute bag pattern so worked on that for the day !

btw warning for lots of talk abt self harm below !! if thats triggering for you i HIGHLY suggest not reading !!! Also irlz cant read this

realizing that i'll probably have the scars on my arms and legs for a long long time. and maybe people really do know theyre sh and that i didnt jst fall or some shitty excuse i make. idk.

feeling very tempted to try and cut w an actual tool. not even because i feel bad or anything i jsut wanna know what itd feel like... and a part of me wants the validation honestly. i know in reality i would HATE my sh to be obvious and for ppl to know but i also feel like itd be so so so validating to have someone know... and it SUCKS. because i know how much Bad Stuff would be caused by people knowing but also. Omg. the validation... Omg.

only thing that sucks is i work w primarly kids, and i dont want any of them knowing about sh. ive had SO many kids ask me what happened to my arms at work, and i feel so dumb saying Lol i fell haha ! because i never feel like they believe me. they always go 'oh' like they can tell im lying. Its Awful. and i dont want any children knowing abt sh because i didnt really sh until i knew it was an option.. when i was like 11 or smth. abd i dont think any 11 needs to know of sh, especially not enough to start. then again, i dont think anyone should sh... so..

i dont know. honestly sometimes i dont even scratch bc i feel bad, just bc i need to feel SOMETHING . like right now, i feel absolutely normal and fine, i jsut want the feeling of sh, just the rush of it all. im so thankful everyday im scared of sepsis and tetanus because i think i would do AWFULLY RECKLESS things if i wasnt. i think id use just the worsttt tools i can find just for the quick rush from sh. idk man

yesterday i wrote an entry on my Irl Scrapbook Diary Whatever abt myself, and i briefly touched on sh. i think i need to write more about it though. i dont know, i dont even go deep or hard or anything. it just feels like such an integral part of my life, a crutch i fall back on whenever i dont know what else to do. but i feel like such a faker. ive never cut far enough to bleed, and my cat scratches are barely even epis. i dont think iev ever even gotten to dermis.

i love the made of styrofoam subreddit so much, but i dont think its for any of the right reasons. i honestly only ever go on there to keep myself feeling shitty and to keep triggering myself to continue scratching... which i know is bad but omg it feels so so so good. although i dont think ive ever felt isnecure about how bad i sh before going on there LOLOL

i guess a part of it is i know one of my bestest friends used 2 sh a lot and used actual tools and like. Was A Real Self Harmer. IDK THIS FEELS AWFUL AWFUL DISGUSTING of me to say but like. I dont know. cant help but compare myself. Wanna B Good at ANYTHING, whether its good for Me or not

a girl from my school is working at the place i work at this summer, and she's a grade above me and she scares me. im worried im gonna sh more in the summer and i wont b able to hide it because its hot As Freak and i cant handle heat and she's gonna think im weird which is gonna lead me to scratch me and she's gonna think THATS weirder and its just gonna feed into a cycle of harm. im so worried

ugh. i cant wait for summer to be over honestly. it hasnt even been a week and i already feel awful. at least sumemr school is starting next week, which measn less time for me to think about this shit. never thought id be excited for school lol

shit shit shit made a Huge mistake. tried out some random blade oh my god that was great. didnt even go hard though, just like drew on my arm and its bleeding. hoping and praying this blade is clean omg i did not mean to do that. oh god i can see myself doing bad things with this blade shit shit shit. i better have self control soon oh my god

oh goodness this is gonna be the worst summer ever. i can feel it. i should have never ever tried this blade. im gonna go insane with how much i want to cut now. oh god. was just supposed to try a little and now my arm is covered in cuts. i even tried my thigh. and who the hell has a bandaid on their upper thigh if not from sh !? im gonna get sooo killed tomorrow. plus its too hot to wear long sleeve and pants. i gotta choose one... yikes

i think they will heal quickly. which is good, i can hide them better, but also so so so bad. i will not be satisfied when they are gone.

i am so stressed now. i hope i am just tired and i wake up feeling fine but oh my gosh i feel so so so stressed and anxious and nervous. honestly think getting a new favorite person would b better than having tried out that blade.

if anyone has any tips to stop these urges please let me know

feeling SO MUCH BETTER omg. crazy what sleeping, a nice shower, and a good breakfast can do

was woken up at like 6 AM THOUGH by a wild storm. scared me a lot (like 70 mph winds !!) but it ended up being ok. we lost power but our generator Kicked in yayay !!

and then i did some Work Practice (had 2 do lvl 2 training wich is kinda funny bc like.... Idk. I Already Work Here !! what else do i have 2 learn ?? finished it tho Lol) and then took a shower ! forgot how knotted my hair gets after not being washed for a couple days lol

then i made a DELICIOUSSSS BREAKFAST !! i toasted a bagel, put some avocado w salt and everyting But bagel seasoning on top. then i fried 2 eggs until they were perfectly cooked (legit PERFECT!), put the eggs on the bagel slices, and topped it w SRIRACHA !!! it was SO delicious and definitely set me up for a good day :) oh and then i had coffee !

then i collaged, bc i still felt a little Icky from the past few days. just made an ugly little collage diary entry type beat abt Me and my Crazyness LOLOLOL ! definitely pretty ugly but it definitely helped me to get all my thoughts and feelings on paper. i definitely need to do that more often lol

anyways ! kinda wanted to do something outside today, but its already like 1:30 and its supposed to storm again later, so idk. plus i kinda just wanna play botw LOLOL ! plus i have work tomorrow and the day after, so kinda need to rest up... hopefully i feel 100% by tomorrow bc i dont wanna go into work feeling Bad

anyways ! i might update later, but tahts the day so far ! toodlesss !

this has been the worst weekend in a long time. i tend to relapse on the weekends when i have a lot of free time to think and go crazy but oh boy.. this was a bad one. warning for all sorts of bad behaviors. toezie im gonna take a Quick guess and just say u probz shouldnt read for ur own sake :( sorry girl !!

was feeling sick basically since friday. i dont remember anythijng on saturday. sunday i saw friend, then went home bc my stomach hurt. Oh Boy I Did Not realize swim season was so soon ! wanted to swim, realized we didnt have any swimsuits that fit me/ looked good on me. Realized it wasnt the swimsuits that were the issue !!!! then i went to bed at 6 pm after taking 25mg of melatonin and scratching up my arms and thighs. i really really regret getting a cute pair of scissors, i wanted to actually cut so bad last night. ive never actually sh'd with anything other than my nails, too scared of sepsis. keep seeing a video of this girl from an anime cutting up her shoulders w a razor blade, gving me ideas....anyways, i took the melatonin bc i didnt want to be awake any more

woke up at like 11 pm bc of course i did. relapsed a bit more, paced while listening to shitty sigilkore hyperpop music. went back to bed and woke up today at 6am

then today was really rough. sunday i only ate cereal for breakfast and didnt eat anything else all day. probz why i went insane but idk. kept telling myself i was gonna eat later and i was just saving my appetite, but i never decided to eat. hunger is a Pretty Effective form of sh if u ask me LOL. easy punishment

anyways today i didnt eat anythign until about 12. wasnt hugry all day for some reason which kinda sucked. first off, couldnt use the pain as punishment (Booooo), and 2nd, i couldnt eat even if i wanted to. my mummy brought me a starbucks frappe at noon and that was pretty nice, but didnt eat meal today until like 9. bad idea, but i genuinely havent been hungry all day. I Kinda Get It Now !!

anyways, while laying in bed starving waiting for time to pass, i spent so much time watching videos of people talking about their bpd and how it's affected them and how they feel. god it sucks. i feel so lonely and empty all the time. hate emotional impermanence, hate all of it. i hate feeling nothing or too much. i need this to be fixed.

also spent an unhealthy amount of time on made of styrofoam. ended up trying to go on pinterest and look for ShTwt but it was blocked (fuck u pinterest !!!!!! Let me trigger myself into cutting please!!!), checked like a dozen more times but i kept gettign suicide hotline. Frick man...

anyways. i Love relapsing into my Bad Behaviors !! I LOVE Scratching in places that cant be hidden w shorts in the hottest time of year !!!!! I Love Suffering !!!

seriously considering getting a Real Tool when i go out w friend tomorrow. tehse stupid cat scratches are soo dumb... not even real sh honestly. Need 2 feel the validation !! plus theyre startign to hurt less, and i keep picking my nails off... which sucks so much

i keep getting suc intense bouts of nostalgia and longing, and that may also b contributing to my Ongoing Relapse into Everything That Causes Me Pain

so thinking about gettig into all the bpd impulsive behaviors.... Liek. All of them. I need 2 feel SOEMTHING man.... Maybe alcohol will help Maybe drugs will help Maybe sex will help Maybe worse sh will help Maybe reckless driving will help Maybe impulsive purchasing will help Maybe having a relationship would help Maybe meeting bad people would help Maybe letting myself be implicated would help Maybe giving people some joy somehow would help Maybe vaping will help Maybe smoking will help Maybe everything Maybe Maybe Maybe... i need to try SOMETHING. there's gotta be a reason people do this stuff... Tehre's GOTTA be a way to fix this shit

bitch by allie x is getting too real. all sigilkore honestly. i was getting too seriously suicidal todayl...... it was Bad.

anwyays. Sorry for the emo blog post. hopefully i feel better soon. or maybe not. Idk man

BEEP BEEP JUST GOT MY LEARNER'S PERMIT !!!!!! SOOO EXCITED OMGGG !!1 i was super nervous but luckily it was really fast and easy yaya !!

also got a Chocolate Cream Cold brew !!! super delish

also ALSO recently discovered the WONDERS OF SRIRACHA. OMG. ITS SO YUMMY. SUCH AN EASY WAY TO ADD A KICK TO ANY MEAL OMG OMG OMG ITS SOOO YUMMY !!!

i keep dying in Botw. like. Its bad.

also getting more into celeste !!! Its actyally SO MUCH FUN OMGGG so happy im getting back into gaming

anyways SCHOOL IS OFFICIALL OUTTTTT !!!!! SOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOS SOOOO HAPPY cant wait to go Crazy over the summer on my Creative Grindset Mindset !!

today was a wilddd day... after i got my Permit went 2 bookstore w friend ! and bought a few magazines, some photo books, and a cute notebook i think im gonna use for my first scrapbook ! it has some adorableee flowers on the page sides (like from the side) and i really like it !

i had a GORGEOUSSS purple and white notebook i was gonna use that toezies gave me, but i think im gonna use it for my 2nd one, when i fill out this new pink one. so i dont mess it up with my Inexperiencedness LOLOL !

and then i felt SUPER SUPER SUPER tored and sick and so i had 2 go Homeee after only 2 hrs together :( sucked

then i laid in bed for like TWO HOURS playing botw ! i reallyyy liked it :)

and then i ate dinner. and i feel better now. still annoyed i didnt get to do more today, but whatever. i have tomorrow :)

LAST DAYYYYY SO HAPPY !!!! got botw last night and started palying it. i think im gonna LOVE ITTTTTT

ive been having SO. MANY. DREAMS where im wearing a mask, like Covid mask. like WHAT. also driving dreams. its so annoying... the driving is scary, the masks are annoying. Idk man. im so confused abt Alllll these stupid dreams and they stress me OUT !

last night i laid in bed and a BUG. FLEW STRAIGHT AT ME. IT WAS SCARYYYYYYY OMG IT WAS TERRIFYING. every time i think im ok w bugs they FLY AT ME and remind me how SCARY THEY ARE. HATE HATE HATE I HATE BUGS OMGGGG

i get my permit tomorrow YAYAYYAYAY

dont wanna go to work today. work yesterday was SOOOO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SOOO BORING I COULDNT TAKE IT. luckily after tonight i have NOTHIGNGGG I HAVE A 5 DAY WEEKEND I AM FREEEE YAYA ZAZAAAA cant wait to play ALLL my videogames Omg i cant wait !!

TWO ! MORE ! DAYS ! OF ! SCHOOL !!!!! CANT WAIT !! we're not even doing anything real in any of my classes anymore LOLOL ive literally just been playing Videogames all day !

jetpens order arriving on SATURDAYYYYY YAYA ZAZA !!!! so excited ! will post a haul when it all arrives

GETTING MY DRIVING PERMIT ON FRIDAY !!! i am so excited to learn how to drive omg ! so so so so so so so so so SOOO EXCITED !!!!!

very excited to get my order though. excited for summer, excited for free time, excited for EVERYTHING !!! cant wait to see Panini more and Go places more and have more FUN and scrapbook more and skate more and crochet more and EVERYTHING

this summer is gonna be so fun !!

i want to do smth for my site's bday, but im not quite sure what. ill have to Think on that...

really wanna get botw and totk on my switch !! might wait though, bc ive been spending a LOT of money lately lol

also just want to thank everyone that's been so kind in giving me so many compliments on my site !! i really appreciate all the love, and its nice to hear this site can bring joy to others :)

bye for now !

Ughhh feeling kinda Poopoo. or well now im feelijg fine, but i felt Baddd earlier. but i Eated (had my FAVEEEE salad and choco covered pomegrantes omg theyre DELISH) and im feelin a little beyyer

BOUGHT BOTW !!!! SOOO excited to start playing it ! also had a friend Show me the Ropes of celeste, so i played that @ school ! so happy im getting back into Gaming, i really missed it

work was So. BORINGGGGG. So boring. i was so bored

ONE. MORE. DAY. OF. SCHOOL. YAYAYYAYAYAYYAYAYAYAY

omg i cannot wait for school to be over. thinking abt skipping the last day bc its an assembly that i dont care about, and field day, which i also dont care about. i think the assembly would be fine, and i would Ngl just go to that, buti dont think i will go to the field day. i cannot do heat already, and at that point ill just want to go home i think. last time i was in heat (for only 30 minutes Also) i felt like i was gonna fall over for the rest of the day. Awful !!!!

i need to place my jetpens order i need it i need the happiness i will get from it. Pleaseeee i need.... i need the anticipation and the excitement i NEEDDD to look forward to something

relapsed againnnnnnn todayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy...... Poopoo.. maybe i will b Unallowed to go to graduation bc my arms are Too Visible ! that would be great actually. i am sooo dreading it :(

ughgh im so tored. at least i dont have to go to work early tomorrow to study ! just will leave at normal 9:40. nice.

i super mega wanna meet up w friend this weekend, but ive been feeling insane and i dont think i will have time / desire / ability.... poopoooo

i will scroll thru jetpens for the next hour. it will be fun

PLACED MY JETPENS ORDER !!!!!!!!!!!!! YAYYAYAYA !!!!!!!!!!!! SO HAPPY I COULD BOUNCE OFF THE WALLS !!!!! I CANNO WAIT FOR HER TO ARRIVE. also bought the LAST grey medium delfonics pouch they had so yaya !! i am glad i SNAGGED it b4 someone else did LOLOLOL ! SO EXCITED TO RECIEVE IT !!!

warning warning !!! gonan talk a lot abt my Personal issues. Sooo..... Toezie, i hate 2 break it 2 you, but you cant read this :( sorry girl !!!

Omggggg just went shopping for graduation dresses (this saturday) and GOSHHHH I HATED EVERY SECOND. Legit WHY couldnt i have been blessed w A Cups. Why did i have 2 made w Big Tits.... WHat the HELLLLLL. Stupid thing to complain abt but its literally the only thing thats in the way of me wearing all these gorgeous clothes !!

or i guess not the only thing, but ive been Working On the other thing.... so....

i remember like a couple years ago going to this ADORABLE boutique with so many cute clothes ! and they all fit Everywhere except my chest. what the hell... and everything was so cute, and i couldnt wear any of it. hate hate hate HATED it. still hate it

ended up finding some random ass amazon dress that will work but gosh... its stll so UGLYYY and it makes me look like 30 years old and like im PREGNANT and like i should be married with two kids and another on the way

i feel so sad, for like no reason. just unreasonably upset and like i want to cry. Hoping i dont relapse or anything, but idk. i just feel like. Overly Melancholic. ugh

i really wish i was a pretty girl. everyone around me is just so gorgeous and i cant compare at all. i dont think ill ever have a romantic partner, or get married, or anything like that. i want someone to love me though, i want someone to care for me as much as i care for them. but i dont think it will happen. i think im destined to be lonely, honestlu

this stupid bpd isnt helping either. I dont think anyone will ever look at me AND my personality side by side and be like "Wow! That is the Girl of my Dreams!! An ugly ass bitch who will Cry and Self Harm if i dont respond within 2 minutes! Perfect!!!"

ugh. Rant Post but whatever, thats what a lot of this is. still super sad abt the delfonics pouch. just sad and defeated in general. i cant wait for school to be over.

in sixth grade i had this friend i was obsessed with, she was amazing, she made me feel so good and happy and cared for. i think that was the first time i ever had this bpd type thing control my life. i could never share my true opinion bc i was scared she wouldnt like me if we disagreed. i was always like. submissive i guess, i never tried to force anything, i did everything to be nice and kind and to make sure she would still like me and make me feel good

she used to compliment me all the time while putting everyone else in our friend group down. it make me feel special, i think thats part of why im this way

even though that friendship was probably the worst thing ever for me, i miss it so much. i miss how amazing she would make me feel. i felt on top of the world. for my 13th birthday, she gave me a box full of basically garbage. some rocks, old colorful hair extensions, little trinkets, and stuff like that. i thought it was the best gift in the world. it was trash. i dont know why i was so obsessed. i miss that. i miss it so much. i need someone to make me feel like that again. i need the delusion to keep going. i miss her

later in seventh grade, she blocked me. i think it was bc i came off way too strong w/ venting about my sh. i never really knew why though. i still dont

we ended up talking a little more in 8th grade, but we dont talk at all now. i wonder if she still thinks about me as often as i think about her. i miss that friendship.

10 days until school is out and i CANNOT be more excited !! but i have summer school like. A Week after school ends so... idk if i should even be celebrating or not LOLZ ! i guess itll be nice, but 8:30-3:30 for 4 weeks AFTER school is out kinda pisses me off.... whatever, hopefully itll be worth it

i am having SUCH a difficult time Pruning up my jetpens cart ! currently like 72 dollars (YIKESSSS), but idk how much of it i really want/ need. bc theres some ADORABLEEE pens in there but like... do i really need them ???

def getting the delfonics bag and def getting this stupid little washi tape roll of idiot-looking fish. for the bag, bc i really want to be able to journal and scrapbook away from home and bc it can also be made into a shoulder bag ! and all the reviews say its AMAZING quality and just a relaly great bag. the stupid washi tape fish are just really funny, and i need them in my life.

most of the rest of the cart is scrapbooking stuff, with a few pens. i have some stamps for habit tracking and Decor, a tape runner, an ADORABLEEE pair of scissors that comes with a cap (!!), and like 2 pens. one is a sarasa clip that i reallyyyy want, and have for a while, but idk if i really need it. the other is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO CUTEEEEE and it would go SO WELL with the delfonics pouch, but ive bought so many black pens recently...... idk.

i want to get a lot of the stuff i Want Want rn, so i dont have to place another order soon, but i also dont want to spend too much money. but the delfonics pouch is already 36 dollars (w/o tax), so idk if thats really an option here. might end up not getting the scissors, just bc i already have some and theyre seven dollars ! but theyd also be super nice to travel with and just bring about so i dont have to worry about cutting up a purse or anything

in school news: im feeling less stressed which is good ! but i def should not be LOLZ ! i still have a TON of stuff to do (2 days of math tests, 2 days of spanish tests, english essay and project, history paper, physics test) but im honestly like. Like i kinda dont care... which SUCKS but idk. hopefully it doesnt drop my grades too much Lolz !

just sooo tired... thank goodness school is coming to a close. i cant wait to crochet more, and skate more, and code and scrapbook and journal and OMGGGG i cant wait to do more fun stuff !! hoping i will b able to hang out more w my friends so i will Split less, and then i hopefully wont have 2 go Coocoo Crazy nuts !

speaking of coocoo crazy nuts, I Forgot How Humiliating It Is When Parents Notice Your Scratches !!!!!! compleyely forget abt my arms this morning, and my mummy got So sad and disappointed........ yikes........... hopefully she forgets LOLOLOLOL !

okkk gonna try and get some fun stuff done b4 bed ! toodles !

i feel so sad !! someone bought the last pink delfonics m pouch, and now its out of stock. i feel like. SO Sad. like irrationally so :( i hope they restock it soon, it really makes me so sad that its sold out..... omg. i wanted that so bad !!! ughhhh now i wont b motivated.... gosh. thats so saddening :( like i feel like crying. I feel defeated....

nuh-uhhhh this dependence on other people has got to STOPPPPPPP I Cant Keep Feeling like SHIT when someone has other plans....... Jelp Me

made a strawberry smoothie. Yummy but i feel like ive wasted an hour

Cant Deny that it feels a little Good that the fam says im Losing weight by skating more but Omg !!!!!! I need them to STOP ! i cant have them ruin Another fun activity..... this happened with swimming YEARS ago I cant have this happen w/ skating ! Bahahhahahahhahahahah what

OMG I MISS MY FRIEND SO BAD... havent seen them in a Couple weeks and i feel so SAD and ALONE and UPSET and

omg they texted me back WE R DOING SOMETHING TOMORROW YAYAY ZAZA

apaprnetly personality disorders cant be diagnosed Until the patient is over 18 yrs old.... Bc personality still developing............................ Buttface

i want to place a jetpens order !! i really really want the delfonics bag in medium in Pink but its THIRTY SIX DOLLARS... but people say the quality is SO GOOD and it seems rly nice for scrapbooking ! i think i will end up buying, bc i have a strap i could attach and make it into a shoulder bag ! which would b perfect for a Nice Portable scrapbooking purse thingy !! excited

i think i will place a jetpens order soon, i need the Excitement !

school is stressing me outtttt.... hard and so many things to do and theyre all worth SO MUCH and i Cant do this. i am already out of school u guys Idk how these last few weeks r gonna go.... Yikes !

ok im gonna try and do smth. Try and get my mind Off stressful things !!!

feeling syper tired !! a lot less sick though, thankfully. ended up getting a decent chunk of work today too ! glad about that. made myself a Smoothie and had a little snack and i did stuff for a couple hours yay ! still gotta work on my Driving stuff tho... stressed abt that...

anyways I GOT SO VALIDATED TODAY !!! IT FELT SO AMAZING !!!! I FELT LIKE I ACTUALLY MEANT AS MUCH TO SOMEONE ELSE AS THEY MEANT TO ME !!!!!!! ive been feeling Painfully Bpd lately, esp at night, and my Bestie just like. Made it all better. nto sure if on purpose or not btu OMG...... They called me an Importat Person to them... ANd like i was special... OMG IT FELT AWESOME I LPVE IT WHEN PEOPLE LIKE ME OMGOMGOMGOMG

nights have been Rough tho... feeling painfully lonely and nostalgic for stuff from like 3 yrs ago.. i miss so many friendships. also was thinking abt how i had a Favorite Person b4 i even rly knew what that meant in bpd terms ! Haha !

feeling super like upset though. bc like.. i relate to so much stuff about Borderline Personality disorder but its not like ive been diagnosed.. so for all i know i could srsly just be Faking and Excusing awful behavior or whatever. Idk. i think whats helping is just realizing that even if i Dont have bpd, the self talks and stuff meant to help people who Do have it helps me, and at least im able to use some Techniques or whatever to stop myself from like. Going crazy !!! Hyuk !

i hope one day i am able to have a Romantic Relationship where i dont feel paranoid or like i have to walk on eggshells or like im not good enough. i hope someday i can have a Normal self image and identity, but at this point who knows ! i still get pangs in my chest seeing people in the hallway who used to be my bestest friends, and now we couldnt be more different. i miss those people so much, i wish i could ask them about everything that happened while we were friends. i need to know if i meant anything. i need to know if i still mean as much to them as they mean to me

i cant wait to mature and have a fully formed amygdala. i cant wait to make good decisiosn ! i cant wait to have more free time, i cant wait to not be stressed. i cant wait to stop wearing a uniform that is just SO utterly unflattering on me. i cant wait to wear clothes i feel confident in. i cant wait to have friends i like and friends i can be myself around. i cant wait to be more indepent

the other day in health class, we all tried on drunk goggles. it terrified me so much, i think one of my greatest fears is losing my independence. i cant stand having to rely on others for like. Important things. i think thats one of the reasons im so scared of relationships and driving and money and everything. as soon as i grow indepdent in those regards, i will lose ability to be able to be driven, to have money spent on me. i will need to do it myself. and for me, whenever ive had an Awful Favorite Person Moment that was SUPPOSED to be romantic or whatever, i completely lose independence and individuality and sense of self. i genuinely cant remember what i thought about last summer other than my fp at the time. and that scares me so much, i never want it to happen again. but i also desperately want the trance i was in, the safety i felt, the warmth when i got a reply or Showered with affection. i cant wait to be mature enough to deal with things so stuff like that doesnt happen again. or at least not to the extent that it did

ok im gonna end this entry here. long entry full of Emotions so. Ummmmm irls if u read: Haha ! Sorry that was weird. ill try not to write as much Emo Edgy Egdar Allen Poe type beats LOL !

ps ! the title is a song by 4lung ! been my current obsession song LOLOL !

omg i have so much to do and i dont want to do ANY OF IT !!! debating on whether i should study at home or at cafe. cafe could be fun but i Dont want to see anyone from work, and its noisy. but i could get so distracted at home. i think i will get a yummy drink either way though. just to boost my spirits

i have been so tired !! im also annoyingly sick. Like. For No Reason !! no one around me is ill and its So annoyingggg i just feel gross doing anything Ughhh

i had a physics test today, i think i actually failed. Like. Fail Failed. he legit didnt spend more than 45 minutes teaching like half of the test to us.... Ugh this stupid school needs 2 fix its curriculum i SWEARRR

skating is so much fun !!! i am having such a good time on my Rolly Shoes. this is kinda an embarassing thing to like ngl, but Hey at least im being active !! i love skating so so so much omg. i need some Skating friends that could be so FUN!!!

thinking of trying to go shopping for some New Clothes. i want better skating clothesss my new shorts are GREAT but i have like. 3 shirts and 2 sweaters that i Skate Comfortably in. i think a dress would so fun ! or maybe a romper. Idk. but i want some Nice Not Hot clothes so i dont BURN in the summer. maybe i will get a haircut, too, so my hair isnt Heating up my neck lol !

so stressed ngl. i should be working on my history paper, but i cant do that Rn. hopefully i get motivated soon !

also forgot to post my Michaels Run ! i bought some new stickers, some CUTEEE washi tape, some letter stickers, and some adorablleeee pens ! one is like a lavender gelly roll, one is a white uni ball signo that ive beeen wanting for AGES and one is a staedtler like. Chisel tip black makrer that is SO FUN TO USEEE !! i love scrapbookign so much. made a collage for a spanish project yesterday and it was SO FREEING. i want to do that even more.

also per the title pop the glock by uffie is SO GOOD.... I love her so much. Icon.

ok... im gonna try and do Hw now.............. Sighhh........... ugh i hate writing papers

Homeeeeeee omg thank goodness..... felt so sick earlier Yaya Zaza so happy im home

still got so much crap to sdo. UGHGGHGH...

hopefully we get meds later... my sister going to doctor so Hopefully...

Omg. Yikes. I can feel the Bpd Favorite Person energy coursing through my veins. I can feel the obsession. Hooooooolyyy shoot. I Am Scared!!!!!! Bahahahahaha Humbug. I am so worried. I hope i dont do anything rash. but OMG i need to find some more friends Asap i cant keep Onsessing over the same likd 2/3 people Over and Ober again. was thinking lately and Pmg i get the appeal of like. romantic relationships. I understand ervtything. i want someone who gets me !!!! and Likes me !!! and holds my hand after a long day !! and gets me my favorite drink !!! and brings me little gifts !!!! i get it now.

soooo bored... endlessly bored. happy may thoufh !!

scrolling through neocities sites b/c i want to mkae more Friends and Mutuals on here. so surprised at how many websites just look the gosh darn exact same !!! like the same exact thing !!! with a tiny bit of tweaking, but its all the same ! same colors, same layouts, same themes, same gifs ! its crazy !

sometimesi wish i had an overall Theme to my site, but i am so happy its more of a mix of everything. i would hate being put in a box I created for my web design. so much more fun to just do what i want than sticking with a cutesy theme or like a mascot or... i dont know. i just love being able to be stupidly creative on here lol !

started doing my driving stuff yesterday yahoo ! might be able to finish my program in a couple weeks, which is super cool! then i can get my permit and practice, which is Scaryyyy lol ! i am so scared to drive. it terrifies me ...

i have so many things to do and i do Not wnat to do any of it... at all. i need to start Braining and get motivation. i need to fix this mindset !!! i hope summer is fun. i need a vacation, i need to go somewhere. im sick of the same places. i want to buy things and change my space. i want to paint and draw and scrapbook. i need to be creative. i need to make more things !!

some kids at work today thought i was in college again. idk why they think that, i dont know if theyre lying or not. my friend told me to savor my childhood a while ago, but i literally cant. everyone already thinks im 20 anyways. like.. i think if i didnt tell people, they might not be able to tell with the amount of times people say they thought i was in college. its honestly just annoying. it makes me so sad. i want to be a normal kid so bad, or i guess just a normal teenager. ugh. i told some girls in my class this the other day, and they told me to just Be Myself !!! like... Omg. i like. i legit cant.. if i want to have people like me i NEEDDD 2 get normaler... omg....

ok goodnight. i am tired.

been feeling Super icky for the past few days and Whoopdy Doo Who'da Thunk Im on My girl Days !!! Hahahhahahhahahahahhaa my stummy hurts soo bad omg....

luckily only have less than an hour left in the school day, and i can go home and change. i have to do sooo much studying tho, i have a math test in the morning that im very worried for. hopefully ill feel motivated at home. i really want a yummy drink, but i already had one earlier, so i dont think i should get another one. maybe ill try to make one Homemade later idk

friend feeling a little bit better !! still worried and i Hope they dont feel bad again later but for now theyre ok yayaya !! thinking abt making another scrapbook page

i need to buy so many stickers its not even funny. i need to decorate and decorate and decorate and decorate !!!! i need to scrapbook more and i need more time in the day

ughghgh i hate history last period. i should be working on my paper rn bc it FRICKING SUCKS but im so unmotivated and tired and just Unwell feeling.

i hope it is not too hot later today... i think if i finish all my studying i will reward myself with a rollerskating session. but its supposed to be like 80 degrees for the rest of the day, so idk if thats possible.....

also been thinking abt how i Never really know how im feeling !! also havent felt like im experiencing things lately. like i cant believe this is my life rn... which is such a lame thing to say ngl but its also just like... its just so annoying. and saddening, i guess. like im supposed to be making memories but i couldnt even tell you the last time i had a memorable experience :(

i reallyyy want a salad... maybe i will go with my mom to get a yummy one later today. my legs will probably hurt too much to go skating, anyways. my legs always feel like JELLY on my period, and i also havent been eating enough iron lately, so i dont think ill be as strong of a skater as usual :( maybe i will just crochet with jerma in the evening.

OJH YUEAH ALSO I GOT MY BRACES REMOVED IN THE MORNING !!! Crazy thing to forget abt, a girl in my clsss just complimented me on them LOLZ which is. kinda funny bc i totally forgot. i really dont like it though honestly. you can see how yellow and Coffee Stained my teeth are, and how big and still rough and ugly they are... idk. this should be a separate post honestly, but im very like.. Unhappy with how i look lately. idk. i can like. i can SEE POTENTIAL to be Pretty or Good looking or whatever which is a step forward, but Idk hwo to Realize the prettyness... stupid thing to say and idek if it makes sense, but we'll see, we'll see

ok its now 3;43 but not Later Enough for me to make a new date thingy. i am So tired. like actually so tired, i better be able to study later. maybe i will study in my comfy chair, idk, but i am SO. TIRED........ cant do this today. i hate this time of year, im always irrationally exhausted bc school is annoying stressful. even now, when its not that bad, im still So So SO So SO worried and tired...

i feel so behind. emotionally, physically, mentally. i feel stunted. i feel like everyone around me is growing and maturing and im stuck as the same exact person i was two years ago. ive changed but i havent grown. i am no more developed than i was at 12. i need to grow up. everyone always tells me im so mature but all i see in the mirror is some kid who doesnt talk enough for people to get who i am

im thinking about a lot of old memories, how a lot of my bestest friends from years ago have become totally different people, how i miss them all so much, how i want to talk to them again and ask questions, how afraid i am of them now. how different we all are. how i caused everything

i need to change, but i dont know how. i wonder if i should start watching other people, people who seem more normal, to see how to fix myself. i used to think about this a ton, but i havent for a year or so. maybe i will go back to trying to fit in or whatever, idk. i hate feeling so odd though. like people look at me differently.

everyone in my family thinks i have autism for some reason. my dad has it, and he told me the other day that im 'probably like him in that sense.' i think they just dont get that i can just be weird. i dont need to have a neurological disorder to just be plain weird, and no one gets it. ugh. hopefully i grow out of this stupid phase where i dont feel like a real or normal girl.

i think i need some more friends, but idk how to make them. i always get too loud and too obnoxious and noisy and annoying when i get too comfortabele, which then repels people, which shuts me up, which brings them back, and i feel safe, and the cycle repeats. ugh

i wish i were a normal person so badly, it seems so easy. i wish i didnt remember things when i went to bed at night

everyone around me is hurting and i cant do anything to help it, and i dont think anyone Wants me to help or anything but i feel so sad and distressed and powerless

personally im feeling ok though. tired, but what else is new

really loving my new rollerskating page design

Ok for my irls there Is more personal stuff below Sooo yeah. just a Headsup (maybee dont read idk. Make the call)

bestest friend felt awful today and i wanted to help and i tried to help but i Didnt and i think i just made it infinitely worse. then i started to think what i would do if they really Did die or if anything major did happen and i couldnt find the words and i didnt tear up, and i just felt empty for a while. the rest of the day seemed like a blur honestly. they told me theyre feeling better i think but idk how long its gonna last, and theyre definitely gonna feel bad again. because it repeats over and over and i cant do anything, and i complain so much more when i dont even have any real issues, yet they never xomplain until they actually feel like theyre dying and i just feel so Stupid and Self-centered. i hope they text me back soon, i feel like ive been pestering too much

thinking about asking some Adults for help with another issue, but idk if thats stupid or uncalled for or anything. i just dont feel like i know what to do or how to do anything, and im probably not supposed to because i am young and still mentally developing but i still feel stupid. been wondering if i should ask for the past two months, so at this point i doubt i will. ever

im so scared for summer, and im hoping its good, but im really scared its not going to be. my Anger Issues or whatever always get so much worse when the heat comes out and its brighter for longer, and every summer since like 4 years ago, its just gotten worse and worse. last summer i think i was consistently hurting myself/ going insane at least every week or so, sometimes more frequently. so worried for what will become of me. plus, i feel like i wont have any free time over the summer which is really scary too. wondeirng if i should just Stop working, but i know thats an unrealistic idea

but i am so ready for school to be over. i cant wait to see my friends more often in a place that Doesnt make me go insane. gonna go to bed now, i have an appointment in the morning. i hope my friends feel better soon, i hate thinking about how much theyre suffering

omg heavy metal lover by lady gaga is sooo good... i cant get over it. like all her music is such good skatibg music omg. hoping to get to a rink this weekend but Idk if itll happen... hoping the rain wont make it too hard to drive there

speaking of driving, got my driving thing set up yahoo !! i havent.... started yet... but its Ready 4 me !!

i should not be writing this rn. i have a physics test within like a week and i dont understand whats happening... Yikes !!

i want to go skate outside today, but it is supposed to rain all afternoon

i cant wiat to listen to more Lady Gaga

i think i will crochet today. i want to make a hat for my dad before he leaves this weekend

ughhh i wish i had more time in thye day. so much stuff i want to do, more stuff i have to do..

i love rollerskating so much !!! went outside again yesterday, and scratched both my knees when i fell ONCE and then i hwas forced to get kneepads and elbow pads and wrist guards. which is good but im still kinda annoyed abt it. they make me feel so uneven and Unnatural when skating. plus they didnt even help earlier LOLZ !

went out again today to like a sidewalk around a park and it was fun but i fell SO MUCH ! i have so many scratches now omgg. kinda crazy. but then i ecided to wear my elbow guards later and i didnt fall Once so i guess thats good !

i also got the CUTEST skating bag !! and i want to Paint/Sticker up my gear bc i think itd be cute. thinking abt getting toe guards tho bc i slipped and the boot of my skates got GRATED OFF a little and i got sad :( but wtv ! better the skate than me LOL

ugh i dont want to go to school tomorrow. this week is gonna be sooo stressful but at least im probz not working tomorrow. yay ! still gotta get on that Study Grind tho lolol !!

i also really need to work on my flexibility !! theres so many cool tricks i want to try but i def wanna be able to stretch and not Pull a muscle or anything. Also wanna work on my leg strength so i can do the one leg thing !! which is super cool and im Very excited to start like. Training i guess ?? idk but its super cool !!

omg today was soooo fun !!! woke up pretty late and had some Unexpectedly tasty coffee ! then did some crocheting, started watching jerma play detroit become human, and then went to my grandmother;s house

passover starts tomorrow night, and almost all the fam is here right now. so we went over to have some Pre-Passover delights and OMGGGG IT WAS SO FUN !!!

went to the park with my cousin, his wife, and their baby, and i skated around ! first outdoor skating with my new skates, and it was so good !! i had a BLAST

then we went abck for lunch and OMGGG IT WAS SO GOODDDDD. and then we had tea and it was Fire !!!

then i went home and decided i wanted to skate some more ! so i went to a parking lot nearby and i SKATED MY HEART OUT... IT WAS SO MUCH FUN !!! also so nearby and i just walked back home it was EPIC !

also ive been getting like... Weirdly into lady gaga lately... like why is so much of her Older music so BANGINGGG omg !!!

so scared for tomorrow. i have a meeting to go over my DOGSHIT english essay with my teacher in the morning, and then a mathq uiz i Dont feel prepared for afterwards... yikes. hopefully all is good tho ! I will hope.

anyways im gonna go relax and play some animal crossing. Or do smth else, but i def wanna relax !! my body is so Sore for some reason lolz ! i cant wait to skate some more soon :)

im supposed to be researching and studying right now, but i feel so dead ngl. my brain hurts and i need a harddd reset. i hope i dont go Crazy when i get home

i hate school so much. actually sucks how much i dislike it, life would be so much easier if i enjoyed school.. whatever

i hope i get to crocheting today. i really want to stitch my bag together !!! hopefully i will. maybe i will make my pencil case, though. i have been really wanting to do that, maybe ill go to joann's later

i also really want a yummy drink, but ive had tasty bevs for the past 3 days... so. but my mouth tastes so gross and everything i say and feel is not real, so many i should, just to feel something

at least next week will be easy. no work on monday, or on wednesday, and im staying home from school on tuesday

ok i will get back to studying. im just bored and looking for smth to do. and these books smell so gross

omgggg i want to rollerskate so bad rn. i hope i can get to a rink this weekend, omg i want to skate so bad !!! I want to learn how to spin and be better at backwards and learn sooo many things ogm omg omg !!!

got a yummy bev AND poke bowl today !!! Thumbs up.

also learning how to spin !!! YAHOO !!! going pretty well honestly ! was super scared in the beginning but im getting more used to it :)

hoping to leave house early tomorrow to get some hw done @ cafe. have a Decent amount of crap to do, and i procrastinated all of today, so its kinda necessary LOLZ ! hope it doesnt stress me out tho

also hoping work is easy, and i am Courageous enough 2 ask coworkers 4 help w/ math. idk... worried tho..

at least ill probably get to go to roller rink after work tomorrow YAY !!! relaced my purple vistas and theyre SOOOO CUTE ! used some yellow laces, and it matches the gold on the logo on the tongue ! plus reminds me of rapunzel haha !

ok gonna try and go to bed so im not too tired tomorrow. gnight !

so overwhelmed, and for like... no reason. school isnt even particualrly bad, i just dont want 2 do ANYTHING... which kinda sucks butt but whatever. we'll get thru it maybe

besides being stressed, ive been weirdly on edge. im hoping the weekend will fix it, but i keep feeling so nervous and like i need to walk on eggshells

dunno what im gonna do this weekend. mayeb i will go rollerskate with friend, but idk. that would be fun, but idk if theyll want to. plus my feet have been hurting too much. i got nre skates, but im too scared to use them @ home, so ive just been going even harder with my amazon skates, and theyreeee.... not holding up too well !! the bridges of my feet have been hurting a lot worse than normal, which sucks. excited to use my new vistas this weekend tho !!

ughhh i am so tired. cant wait to get home tomorrow. maybe ill work on stitching my bag yay !! ok goodnight

omg summer cant come soon enough... i hate schoolso much u guys omg. i should be granted a diploma Rn so i dont have to do this anymore. and i can spend the next two years being funny

figured out how to go backwards on roller skates !!! kind of stupid but Omg i was sooooo scared to start, so glad i finally did ! still VERY bad @ it but im figuring it out !!

feeling VERY Hearted and Appreciated and Enjoyed by friend rn 😃😃😃😃😃😃😃 . i feel Amazing. I love validation

also been crocheting for a long time today !! finished 9 of my 13 flowers, getting ready to do the last 4 soon :) super easy and fun and im really enjoying it ! also got a Java Chip Frappuccino and it was SO YUMMY and kept me awake

school today was fine. nothing special. im working tomorrow and the day after, though, and i hope theyre Ok days bc i Dont think i can handle another bad week !!!

wondering why my Emotions have been so out of wack for the past month. like. a lot more than normal. hoping its Just a Phase and doesnt keep getting worse bc that woudl SUCK !!

also FROZEN BLUEBERRIES ARE SO SO SO SO SO SO SOOOOOOOOO AMAZIMG !!! i forget how Spectacular they are but Omg... frozen blueberries are a god-given gift

spent like 2 hours roller skating earlier today !! i had a blast omg ! also went to buy myself some like. specialty skates because my amazon ones were Kindaa getting ratty and they did NOT feel good to skate on !!

ended up getting the jackson vistas in purple !!! and i am in LOVE omg ! compared to my old ones, these are sooo smooth and comfy ! they also DONT HURT MY FEET AFTER SKATING FOR MORE THAN 10 MINUTES ???? which is an epic plus !

honestly motivated to get my license now ! the rink i like is a twenty minute drive, and id feel bad if i had to get my mom to drive me every time i wanted to go when i Could drive. plus, summer is probably a good time to learn anyway, and thats coming up soon !

have to study soon though. i hate how i never have enough time in the week to do stuff i like, but oh well. i havent crocheted in so long it makes me so sad :( mayeb after i study i can find smth good to watch and crochet for the bag i want !

i want to learn So Many Cool Rollerskating tricks ! my mum suggested i sign up for roller derby, and i might ask a girl from school abt it bc i think she does it ! so that might be cool

ok gonna go learn abt imperialism in asia now LOLZ byebyeeee !

Ok i kinda get the appeal of social media rn... i REALLY want 2 find some Super Nice Skater Friends but like... Where !? but i also dunno if social media would rly help with that... idk maybe i just need 2 go 2 the rink more and just let friendships naturally form but dang... i kinda get it now

i am in such a Not Studying mood rn. like i genuinely would rather do ANYTHING ELSE.... why does school have to be every week. i feel like i have no time to myself omg. and summer wont even feel like summer for half of it bc i have classes !!! and a JOB !!! ugh poopoo. whatever, we live and we ball i guess ? idk, been feeling kinda super unmotivated lately. like... rly unmotivated. i just want 2 do fun things !!! and buy fun stuff !!

been feeling so old lately too. like.. i know technically im still a kid, but i def Do Not look like a kid, and honestly i dont Act like a kid, and i dont do any Kid things, so... at this point its kinda not appicable to me.

my friend was telling me the other day that i am still a kid, and theres no rush to grow up and i should enjoy this time i can spend as a freeloader, and i guess but idk. i really feel like i have all the adult pressures on top of the school pressures and pressures of growing up, that at this point id really just rather have only one category. but idk, maybe i just need to let loose a little

jesussssssss i dont want to go to school tomorrow. i really really just want to roller skate honestly. its gonna consume my mind i swear, and its gonna be so bad. i cant wait for summer

so tired even tho ive had caffeine like all day. my head hurts and my body hurts but at least im not rotting in bed ! out at cafe w/ friend

i think i want to start drawing a lot more. i think it would be a good way to get all these Feelings out w/o going insane with them in my head

I Want 2 Start Journaling !!!!! I should just start ngl, i think waiting to buy smth that i might not even purchase is kind of stupid. but who knows at this point lolz !

i dont know how i feel lately. was looking @ one of those Emotion Charts and i didnt resonate with anything on it

i feel like stale bread. i need 2 fix it but Whateverrrrr..

i got a 96 on math test ! yay

i want 2 write and draw and be creative. but i Cant rn

i am so tired, but at least i feel better

used 2 say irls dont read but i kinda dont care anymore

last night i meant to have dinner, but i was just so tired i went to bed. then i woke up at 2 again b/c the melatonin wore off and then paced around my room for a couple hours

had the worst dreams. lost something and had to call the person and beg to get it back and my dad was driving me and i kept throwing up outside the window, but it was just bile and it would get stuck in my mouth and i would throw up more

then, when i went back to bed, i dreamed i was in line behind this lady. and she turned around and grabbed my neck in her hands. and i woke up because it hurt in real life, but the pain and the lady didnt go away. and i thought i was going to die and it was hard to breath and my neck ached, like an elephant was sitting on my windpipe. deserved, ig

my mom brought me my favorite coffee this morning, and it tasted gross. i dont know why.

work last night sucked and i felt like such a failure. i dont deserve to have a job, i dont deserve a break. ugh.

i would make a days clean page, but it would always be at 0

my body and my brain hurt so bad. i havent done anything to make myself happy in a long time. i need to feel better

i have been wishing and wishing i could turn back time and get those blades rhe other day. i wish i hadnt put them back

i started annotating my ugly copy of extremely loud and incredibly close. i forgot how sad this book is. oskar also has a list of things that make him upset

i am going to fail everything and every class. everything is too much. i dont know how to stabilize.

isolating sounds reallyyyy good rn. splitting goes Hard. n everything is making it so easy 2 do that, and not feel bad. justfabylous

why was no one gonna tell me isoklating was so easy... like what the freak. this is gonna b so devastating, but might delete skype off my computer. just cut contact completely.

was thinking abt making a date and planning and stuff. was walking thru the halls at school thinking i cant keep living like this, but its honestly just going to get worse. and i dont think anything is gonna change. and honestly i think anything would be better than this at this point

i hope ive been distant enough not to hurt anyone tho. that would be fucking awful. i really hope no one actually cares about this stupid shadow of a person. very unlikely, but im still hoping no one does

i miss when we would talk for ages and stay up for hours and laugh and laugh and everything was normal and i trusted and i cared and i was sweet and kind and understanding. i miss being friends. i miss having real, good friends, i miss having people that understood what i was going through. i miss being normal

starting to realize why i got ghosted. i dont deserve 2 talk to people honestly

oh my god i forgot how out of control my brain gets when i dont Eat Well... omg. that was awful. i never quite got just how bpdcoded happy days by ghost was, but omg. i totally see it now. i actually thought they wanted me dead... omg.

that was AWFUL. i never want to feel that way again holyyyy shit. ive never been so close to like... actually kmsing...... oh lord. gosh i need 2 work on myself so much omg

Irls cant read !!!! Irls Unallowed.

bleh. feeling so bad and gross honestly. berrete by zoe is sooo good tho omg. Love it so much.

went to bed as soon as i got home last night b/c exploded and felt disgusting. woke up at 2 am and paced for two hours, and went back to bed. barely ate yesterday but honestly wasnt hungry which was Crazy. feeling still gross tho, and most of my friends are gone today

feeling just SO immature and unqualified @ work rn. dunno why or what changed, but i feel so Stupid and Bad and Wrong. what the freak..

school is picking up tho, which is kinda nice. using nice pens to study and take notes IS pretty nice. but idk. i still feel Disgusting

i cant wait to be an adult and feel Comfortable in normal situations. hate being Young but Old, stupid but 'smart', ugly AND ugly and gross. cant wait to not have to be like this. hate being an oxymoron of a person

feeling a little bit better. i really really really want a journal, and i really want it now. i want a scrapbook and i want to write about everything using my favorite stationary. i want a physical website, and i dont care if it sounds kind of stupid. i need it now and i need to be able to write everything down and not have to worry about what other people think i want to be able to write and write and have a nice place to do it. it would be so very nice and helpful and reassuring. but they are too expensive, and shipping is too long

and i dont have the money and what if i dont want it and i just cannot risk wasting 150 dollars on something i might not use. even if the chance that i will not use it is very very low.

i hate how now that ive finally decided to actually use my money for things i like im being shut down from it. its taken me like 2 years to get to the point where i can buy things i want because i dont have anything else to use it for, but now im not supposed to

ugh. and i hate that it is stupid to spend so much money. i just hate how i can never have a happy medium

got another jetpens order today !!! very happy with EVERYTHING i received !! i really really like uni ball ones, i think i have 8 now ?? and i also got the sarasa clip in bordeaux purple, which is AMAZING ! and i got a superb highlighter, a really inky black rollerball pen, and an EXCELLENT whiteboard marker !!

i really want to get into filofaxes/ day planners i think theyre called ??? basically kind of a Binder Diary. i think they seem SO MUCH FUN to do ! i would love to have the creativity of doing that honestly. gonna sound super Screenager of me but it reminds me of having a website but on paper, like a physical website i guess ??? i love the idea of scrapbooking, and im finally getting enough things to feel like it would be achievable !!

also getting a lot into like. paper studying and using paper to like... do things i guess ??? idk but its really been helping me get into a studying mindset. esp with good stationery, it really is nice to just study with nice pens and stuff. also started using a physical planner for school, and its VERY fulfilling !!

anyways, back to the filofax. all of the organizers ive been looking at are so EXPENSIVE !??!??! like. annoyingly so.. but whatever. ill just have to keep looking for stuff i guess. maybe ill get myself an End Of School Gift or smth. maybe ill save up until then and Splurge on some scrapbooking things ! ive wanted a mini printer for a while now too, so that might honestly be a good idea.

ive also been seeing SO MANY CUTE PINTEREST PINS of these people's planners and theyre so inspiring !! i think having a Personal Physical Website would be really fun. basically the same as neocities, but im not burning my eyes, and its a little easier maybe ? plus i can probably be a little more... personal and stuff. that idea REALLY excites me ngl. hope it doesnt keep me awake tonight lolz !

alrighty, its getting late and i Kinda have to get up early tomorrow So. have work tomorrow, which is kinda annoying, but its whatever i guess. will hopefully be fine. anyways, good night !!

NEVER EVER EVER ISOLATING. I LOVE LIFE. I LOVE EVERYTHING I LOEV HAVING FRIENDS I LOVE HAVING MONEY I LOVE SCHOOL I LOVE HAVING A JOB I LOVE HAVING A BODY I LOVE HAVING EARS I LOVE MY EYES I LOVE EVERYTHING

i havent felt this AMAZING IN SO LONG OMG !!!!! Im so happy. i feel elated

had such a fun time today !!! before work, i went to starbucks to study before, and i got so much done !! also feeling very inspired for my english paper. yay !!

then work was fine. very slow and easy. it was nice !!! peaceful

then met up with Friend !!!!!!!!! Went 2 a record show, and i didnt buy anything, but it was super cool !!! didnt really know any of the records or musicians there, but everyone was super sweet even if i didnt know everything. a very big teenager momebt LOL !

thennnn we went 2 a STATIONARY STORE and OMG. THEY HAD SO MUCH STUFF THAT WAS AMAZING IT WAS SO COOL !!!!!! bought 3 uni ball ones, and a notebook. then next door i got ANOTHER notebook that im planning to use as a planner for the rest of this school year. will be great !!! hopefully it keeps me accountable. one of the notebooks is a beige, and the other is a Vibrant Salmon ! i got beige, pistachio, and mint uni ball ones, and then a black hi tec c pen !!! very happy with all my purchases.

Ummmm irls Pls skip the next Chunk :)

at the store i got the second notebook, i was so tempted to get a blade. there was a pack of two for 2 bucks, and i was SO ready 2 purchase it. but it gave me such a bad feeling, and i just decided not to get it. felt weird getting a Tool w/ a friend. idk. i also feel like i would be like.... i would be Cheating if i used a tool... idk. stupid feeling, and also wrong but idk. i think it would feel like i was Cheating @ hurting myself LOLZZZZ. i guess its for the best tho

anyways ! Irls welcome BACK !!! i am SO HAPPY RN. Omg. we also got CREPES ????? AND THEY WERE SOOOOO DELISH DELISH AMAZING i got a BANANA NUTELLA ONE it was so yummy. delicious. and then i got Coffee Boba it was FIRE !!!!

and then the rest of the time we kinda just talked. idk i got Super eepy tho so i went home Kinda early ish

anyways, it was such a great day. All that suffering was SO worth it Omg. OH and this lady complimented my bag that i made !!! i took my sunflower bag with me, and we talked abt it bc i told her i MADE it and she was so impressed :)

ALSO i want 2 get into the DumbPhones community !!! its on reddit... um.... but ITS SO NEAT !! i spend wayyy too much time on my phone, and i super want to cut back. maybe ill try it over the summer lol !

anyways, im really tired. gonna try and rest LOL ! my legs are so sore and honestly my arms are too... no clue why. gotta get back on that STUDY GRIND tomorrow tho, so...

im feeling better, i think. but not in a good way, and idk why. im doing everything i can to Be better and fix what can be fixed but idk... not feeling too great

just constantly in a state of disgust at myself, for no good reason either. ughhh at least tomorrow is friday. and then i have work on saturday

normally i meet up w/ friend on saturday but idk. might not let myself this weekend. i have too much to study and too much to do and i honestly do Not deserve to feel good. ugh we'll see

people at school Keep Commenting Abt The Scratches All Over Me !!!!! sucks that ive started wearing a shorter uniform skirt, now my Thigh is visible. and like... everyone believes what im saying but still... Yikes !!!! scary dawg

even my mom Saw and Believed my stupid excuse.... Omg. which is good but Omg !!! Nervewracking !!!

i need 2 be in an event where my Mortality is questioned, bc i cant keep living like this. everyday is the same with a stupid routine and all the time passes all too fast and nothing feels fulfilling anymore. i feel like some random european book that's translated ten times over is are just a shell of the prior meaning; i need to learn the mother tongue

everything Ticks me off, and everything Beeps my radar. so stressed and nervous and just scatterbrained and bad

been listening to splitter girl a ton recently. forgot how good of a song it is, and im completely enamored

back on friend topic: I feel awful abt everything, but i think i Legit just need to like not push. like just kind of... just kind of deal and go along with the fraying friendships and the decaying bonds. i want to cry everytime i think about it

im hoping this weekend will give me rest

what the hell, man. why do i have to have the most outrageous Mood Swings for no reason at all. or i guess there Is a reason, but its the stupidest thing ive ever heard in my entire life

i want to get a brain scan. i would like to know if theres actually something physiologically wrong with me, or if im jsut a bitch. that would be so helpful, i need to know why im like this

last night i Confided in friend how insane id been feeling, and they told me that no matter what i did they would Still be my friend but Idk.... #Skeptical.... i think if i knew that the reason my friend was going insane relapsing n shit was that i was hanging out with OTHER PEOPLE i think i would def be a little repelled... maybe. Idk. its so stupid, and i know its stupid, but it feels so so real and like such a big deal

they also told me right after i confided that it was the Bpd talking to me, and i havent thought abt that in a long time. like a few months out maybe. which is crazy, and i thought i haf gotten so so so much better, but i guess i havent. i guess im still as insane as ever

I think i should probably be on some sort of mood stabilizers. but then again, WHat if this is just Normal Teenage Experience ??? what if im just exaggerating evetything. Ugh im so stupid-Bitchcore

for good news i finished all the flowers for my bag yay ! just got to do the leaves and borders but i did the hard part so yayyyy

ugh i feel disgusting gross. not excited to shower, everything is gonna BURN and im gonan feel like such a disappointment.. Ugh. too hot to ahve 2 wear long sleeves :(

the one really good thing i keep remarking about is the crochet hooks i got. they were SO expensive (100 dollars..) but i am so so so happy i got them. ten hooks, 2 darning needles, a very nice pair of sewing scissors, and a cute adorable case make it feel worth it to me. i am trying to tell myself this Suffering is paying for the hooks, and i willl be back to normal as soon as the exchange is through. i didnt want to spend all the money, but i am so glad i did. spent all day crocheting and watching video essays on youtube, and my day was honestly pretty fine. i just feel really bad right now, and thats all i remember now

i am so bad at remembering any feeling other than what i know right now. i wish i could remember emotions better

goodbye for now. hopefully i start feeling clean again

i feel ill, but not sick. just overall mentally foggy and cloudy and drained and sludged and clogged

i should be ok, but something is wrong, and i dont know what. today was a good day; i had a good morning and i got something i really wanted (my tulip etimo crochet hooks. which, by the way, are loveky, and everything i had hoped and more), and had a good drink, and met up with a friend. yet i still feel disgusting

i dont feel any better than yesterday, yet everything that should have been a problem should be 'fixed' now

but i guess its worse, and my worries have been confirmed, andi just have to let it be. and i am going to be so bad and so sad but it will have to remember

again, this happened once before, and i got better from it. but i guess i havent, and i still feel hurt by it. but i guess that was different, but not enough for it to really matter. both caused by me being a blundering attention seeking idiot

maybe i just need to go home and sleep for a bit. or maybe i just need to be left alone for a little bit. i dont know what i need to change, but i know i have to change it soon. ive felt like this for the better part of a few weeks, and it needs to stop. i feel like a curved sheet of metal is being pushed into me on all sides while both me and the metal are being pushed through a gigantic tube too small to fit me. and the sheet's topside is all torn up so the metal sharp bits are poking out and penetrating deep into my skin against the pushing of the tube, and theyre all covered with rust, infecting me with the sepsis i so deserve, but the tube constricts my skin, not letting any blood flow out. it will be a long death. i hope i dont go back on made of styrofoam tonight, but i think i will

goodbye for now. hopefully i feel better soon

so scared for my history test. ahve ti in a few hours, so worried

might cut my hair later

i feel really bad and i dont know why. like theres a stack of bricks in my stomach. its unnerving, and unsettling. today was too calm a day for such bad feelings. i worry something will happen over the weekend

i finished the curious incident of the dog in the nighttime and i cried. i feel disgusting. i have only listened to one playlist today

my head hurts

Nvm we are SO BACK i ordered the tulip etimo crochet hook set for myself Yaya !!!! down 100 bucks but Up 100 points in mood so Yaya !!!

did so much studyig today. probably like 2-3 hours at least. crazy for my standards LOL ! so scared for this history test, man. my grade is Teetering on a measly 0.4 points. i need 2 do well on this

need 2 work on my.... idk. rejection sensitivity i guess ?? idk. not sure if thats right, but how Upset and Paranoid and Worried and Uncomfortable i get when i think someone is being Mean when theyre actually just saying No or saying Sorry i cant !! its so stupid of me and makes me seem so freaking rude and stuff. i just need 2 Regulate my Emotions better or whatever. but omg that feeling or whatever is so so so so bad omg

ALSO need 2 work on the fact that My Friends Can Have Other Friends !!!! Im not the ONLY FUNNY PERSON ON THIS PLANET and my Stupid Brain gets so paranoid. i need 2 realize people can have Better friends than me. I need 2 work on making friends. i guess i just need to work on Relationships and how i talk to people

i wish i had everything figured out, but i dont, and i probably wont ever. but idk. it just makes me so Uncomfortable and Anxious and Upset. so much Bad things i cant Explain in words !!!!

this has been kind of a stupid entry so far. anyways, today i went to the grocery store alone !! for the second time (at this store), but it was so fun !! i could basically get anything i wanted. i got some bananas, bell peppers, crackers, pistachios, yogurt, oatmeal, and some little cream cheese bites ! i love shopping. i cant wait when running errands can be part of my Daily Life :)

i have work tomorrow and the day after. im really hoping its ok, and that i get let out early tomorrow. i have too much studying to do :( my test is on thursday last period though, so i guess i have time. i just hope work is easy, and Not Stressful !!!

started working on my new bag !! its going to a rose bag. my colors are Sooo cute and the flower pattern is so far SO MUCH FUN !!! i forgot if i talked about this before. oh well

i really do like this clean desk. kind of want to decorate it. the white mixed with the yellow lighting is 100% headache environment, but i could always just do my work in the day when the sun is out.

anyways, im gonna get 2 working on some other stuff now. i have to finish this flower, then write today's diary entry (offline !), and do my duolingo. and go to bed early, to get up tomorrow lol !

thanks for reading !! i hope your day today is marvelous and restful and you see something unexpectedly lovely tomorrow (:

yesterday was a crazyyy day. i woke up at 4 am (!!!) and couldnt go back to bed. Yayyy ! so slept probz about 5 hrs that night, and still had 2 go to work in the morning

i got out of bed at about 7 (after watching youtube shorts for Two and a Half Hours..) and showered. felt like i was gonna FALL OVER it was rough

then i went downstairs to make myself breakfast. first everything was going ok, and i got the eggs out of the fridge. my first one, i dropped a piece of the shell into the pan. no matter, i said, and i fishd it out. then, the second egg was ROTTEN and i had to throw both eggs out and clean the pan. Big Annoyance.

then i found the newer eggs and made my breakfast, and i couldnt flip the eggs well and they were overcooked so the yolk was all Stiff and the egg was crumpled. Another annoyance

then, when i was on my way to work, i started Crying in the car because i thought i was gonna be late (I Wasnt) and then i went to work, which was fine. exhausted, and almost fell asleep, but it was fine

the rest of yesterdat was ok tho ! got home and napped and ate chicken and rice (w/ soy sauce. Mmmmmm Yummy) and went out with Friend !

we went and got BOBAAAAAAAAA and i got fat straws matcha milk tea with boba (it was SO DELISH omg i will dream of that) and then watched some youtube shorts i Encountered during the mroning (IT WAS SO FUNNY) and then watched kung fu panda 4 !

spoiler alert: it was an ok movie. nothing to write home about, but it was entertaining. my fave parts were with po's dads, they were So cute and silly omg !! but some kids in the row behind us were on their phones the whole time. Yikes..

today, though, WAS SUCH A GOOD DAY !!! started off the day waking up Well REsted !! or at least as well rested as i can be Lol. and then my breakfast was PERFECT !??!?! like the eggs were cooked PERFECTLY the yolks were still gooey and tasty and texturally interesting and i had them on bagel which elevated it SO MUCH OMGGG ! and then i had 2 do some math (it was fine tho), and then i Rollerskated !!

then i went 2 joann's because i wanted 2 mke myself a nice little pastel bag ! so i found a pattern for a rose granny square (IT IS SOOOO CUTE OMG IM SO EXCITED) and i went to joanns to pick my yarn ! found some ADORABLE cotton yarn in lilac, pink, and light blue for the roses, and some nice emerald green for the leaves. So Cute !!

hmmm and then i deepcleaned my desk!! i really need 2 raise up some of my grades, and i think Elevating my personal space is a good way to help with that. clean space, clean mind i guess ?? idk but i hope it motivates me !

and now its 7:33 and i meant 2 do a lot more today but oh well. im happy with the stuff i did do so thats nice ! kinda upset i havent worked on this site all day though... oh well

anyways, gonna try and Relax before school tomorrow Lol ! toodles !!

Ummm heads up for my Irl friends ! If u read this, just know the Middle Part is not abt u ! dw about it Pals ! or maybe just dont read the part abt that LOL

OK anywaysssss omg the wifi at my house has been SO BAD LATELY... cant use it for more than like 20 minutes without it going crazy and offline... actually super annoying, esp when im IN THE MIDDLE OF WORKING ON MY SITE.... but its ok. most of the time its back up within like 15 minutes so

been feeling abnormally shameful and... guilty ? not quite sure what im feeling, but its not very nice. dont even know the cause, which is even more poopoo

also been feeling Abandoned and Separated from my friends lately. dont rly know why. well, for a couple i dont know. a couple i know, but the reasons are stupid. theyre either 1) i feel Disconnected or like someone is Better Friends w/ them than i am or 2) i feel like im Hurting them. both of which are pretty Annoying and could DEF be fixed with communiction but the first one feels stupid, and the second one... i dont know. i thijnk the 2nd is irrational but i dont know

ALSO been feeling... stupid ? and dumb. and idiotic. all synonyms i guess. idk, my grades havent dropped significantly and there is LEGIT NOT A CAUSE... but i still feel abhorrently ignorant. i hope it passes soon, or i hope i fix it

POOPOO my wifi just went out. welp, i can keep writing this. just gotta make sure 2 save it later

i also think work might have something to do with it. everytime i go i feel a little more qualified and then suddenly much less qualified, and it is so annoying. like. I need myself to either take this job and think im Ok at it or not !!! I cant deal with this back and forth

i hope i can do smth fun tomorrow. ive felt really stale this week. need it 2 go away :(

thanks 4 reading ! have a great rest of your day or evening and stay safe, love all yall !!

today during study hall me and a couple of friends started talking about writing letters ! and then we gpt the idea that next year we should start a LETTER WRITING PENPAL CLUB !!! i think it would be SO MUCH FUN and kinda give me an excuse to write letters (which ive been meaning to do for AGES !) and it would be SO FUN !!

also ANOTHER FRIEND AT SCHOOL 3D PRINTED ME A JERMA AND A PYRO !?????! OMG !??!?!?! I WAS SO HAPPY AND THANKFUL AND OMGGGG IT WAS SO COOL !!! Legit props 2 them. They r my FAVE Person rn OMG ITS SO COOL I HAVE A LITTLE JERMA AND A LITTLE PYRO ON MY DESK OMG OMG OMG

work today was Weird. first like hr was a little wild but last hour was fine so it was ok. there was a new guy there today and i Know he is in high school bc he was wearing one of the uniforms. i wonder if hes nice

also they like... messed up the schedule or smth ?? and they thought i was supposed 2 get there at THREE PM !?? (reminder im in school until 4 ???) and until 8 ????? which os weird. weekdays i always do 4:30-7 so its weird that it was different today. oh well, they told me not to worry so.

not really sure what else happened. i have next next saturday off of work bc of easter which is super SUPER nice !!

hmmmmmm ok ! have a good day u guys !!

quick post but MY 100 GEC SHIRT CAME IN THE MAIL YAHOO !!! ITS SO COMFORTABKE AND ACTUALLY FITS LIEK NICE OMG ! RLY SUPER HAPPY ABOUT IT !!!

also just want 2 say i REALLY want to get back into reading. Like super bad. started the curious incident of the dog in the nighttime and i like it a lot so far tho !!

just wanted 2 pop in and say i mad ethe YUMMIEST oatmeal pudding !! and i topped it with some peanut butter and choco chips and OMG IT WAS DELECTABLE !!! Ok goodnight i have 2o much 2 do tomorrow i do Not want 2 gp back 2 real job :(

got home at like 6:30pm last night. drive was abt 13 hrs, and we left at 5:14 am ! very sad to leave but i was getting Super eepycore ngl. kept sleeping horrible @ our rental place but. i miss the beach already !!! i miss the sand on my toes and the water waves and the little crabs and creatures and shells :( i so dont want school to start tomorrow

on the drive we got starbies in the morn ! my bev was kinda bad tho (i got the lavender oatmilk latte and it kinda just made me nauseous..) but we saw a Cybertruck there which was Wilddd !

wearing one of the sweaters i got before the vacay and its SO COMFY ???? it has a Nic Ovsersized fit on me and its super cozy and comfy ! and the zipper curling is down to a minimum Yippee !

we're picking my dog up from her doggie hotel in like an hour. cant wait to see her again ! all the pictures the lady sent showed her looking SO DIRTY tho so she has a grooming appt after we get her

i also had the most FIREEEE breakfast today !! 2 eggs on Toast (w/ salt and everything but bagel seasoning) and a glass of orange juice it was SO FABULOUS !!! Found a new everyday breakfast yippee !

ive been adding so much to this site recently it makes me so happy ! i love crafting new pages and im so glad i got a lot of new ideas over my travels. thanks 4 reading !!

i am havign THE BEST TIME RN OMG !!!! we arrived lateee last night, like 6:30 or smth, and the drive before was honestly not bad !!! played a ton of videogames, started a hat for my dad, listened to a bunch of podcasts, talked 2 friend, and rested. it was SO FUN !!!! i wanted a good bev the whole ride but didnt get one :( it was fine tho, everything was super fun !!!

and then today (after i slept for ELEVEN HRS !??!?!) we went 2 the beach !!! for a longg time too, probably like 4-5 hours today it was so fun ! the weather is also pretty amazing ngl, not too hot but not too cold. perfect weather for me its so nice !!!

hoping to go to some stores or smth tomorrow ! i want to buy some little things. I Want To Purchase. also get a yummy bev !! might look for coffee shops Slash bubble tea Slash idk some other drink that i like !! we have some rly good chai latte powder here tho, so i might just have that cuz its DELISH !!

alrighty, i have a SUPERB idea for a new page i want to make !! gonna try and get that Right lol. see u for now !!

our rental car is just Not here. even tho we ordered it like a week ago, and everything was confirmed, they dont have it. which is just so stupid i dont understand how that can even happen.... ugh

everyone's stressing out rn. my mom needs to figure out how to get a minivan in 6 hours, my sister is being a little bitch abt getting her nails done, and i just dont know whats happening anymore

we leave in like 15 hrs, and our VEHICLE is not here and i have No clue whats gonna happen. worst comes to worse we get cramped in an suv, but that would honestly be annoying. would also probably mean that we have 2 bring even less clothes and stuff... yikes

honestly worst case scenario would be fine i think. just annoying, but what else is new. i dont think any of my vacations have ever gone perfectly without a hitch. whatever, itll be an experience at least >>

all done packing, and dropped my dog at her dogsitter like an hour ago. just need to get some last minute stuff packed away, and i should be all ready. at least, my suitcase will be ready, ill have 2 get my backpack all together tomorrow morning. my stuff needs to charge lol !

will hopefully bring my laptop so i can do some coding. weather where im going is supposed to be pretty dreary but its ok, will be a nice change of scenery. and dont have to go to work yay !

school conferences went by smoothly. my advisor said everything looked good in my planning, and im on the right track which is rly nice

gonna go check how things r going. worried, but i think we'll manage

got everything sorted out yaya !!! probz gonna put my laptop away after i finish writing this. we got our car, and its so spacious !! friend coming over probz in an hour, i cant wait !!! its gonna be such an amazingggg trip omg !!!!!

anyways, i might edit this on the road tomorrow. might make a new post but Idk how hard that is to do on phone lol ! but its ok, im so excited !!!! see u when im in a different place !!

been listening to a lot of music recebtly. currently listening to nekomata'97 by nanoray, pretty bomb !!!

today was a weird day. school was fine. thinking abt taking ap stats next yr instead of comp sci, but it seems rly hard. might ask my math teacher what she thinks, but i know sje'll tell me nto to take stats Lol

got a response from one of the opthamologists !! he said i might be able to shadow this summer, but probably not intern. YAYYAYAYAY IM SO EXCITED !!!!!!!!! i hope it rly is possible omg id be so excited

other than that, i had to leave school early today (Appt.) and it was rly weird. glad though, the room i was in was Sooo noisy. might just Perma move where i sit during study hall becayse i Cant. i have enough screaming the rest of the day, cant have it during study hall....

anyways, spring break is so close !!! i just have to make it thru the next 2 days, and im home free !!! tomorrow should be easy, coming to school late bc of another appt, and then have spanish test, but thats it. also am donating 3 scarves and a hat tomorrow yippee !!

thursday should also be fine. im just hoping that work is easy, thats the one unknown i have in my schedule coming up. because i wont really ahve to worry about he, since i cant get anymore this week (no hw break yippee !!)

have GOT to start packing tho ngl. or at least Outfit planning. im really excited for this trip !! but i have a feeling friday is gonna be stressful, gonan ahve 2 pack like all day. but its ok ! Friend is comign over on friday to SLEEP OVER bc we r leaving Earrrrrly morning saturday !! so excited. actually cant wait, feel like HOPPING AROUND !!!

last note: this is post 99 ! wonder if post 100 will be anything special. idk, but its crazy to believe ive made 100 posts !!!

gonna work on my next hat now. want to finish it b4 friday so i dont have to take it with me ! and i can start something new on the road Lolz. see ya !

didnt update much yesterday, was busy pretty much all day !! had work in the morning, which was fine, and then panini picked me up from work Yahoo !!!

we went to daiso to get some snacks 4 VACAY (i got like 3 different bags of hi-chews LOL) and i also bought some yarn and a cute little cord pouch !! want to put some pins on it, but i dont really have any :(

after that, we got boba !! i got a mango milk tea which was good but like. Warm. and the like mango syrup was kinda like curdley. but it was still soo yummy !! also spent like 15 dollars at that place bc my drink was SO EXPENSIVE ($7 !??) and there was a claw machine !! i won a little tiger guy he's really fun. the stripes looked sharpied on, and his nose is too big. he's so funny, so like... idk. so special, i will take him on the vacay !

then we went to park !! we stayed there for like an hour and a half just talking and watching the ducks. that park is always crazy, there was a boy like throwing bird seed into the pond, some little toddler trying to get a duck to fall in the water, some guys playing some game with a trampoline and a ball (??? they were also yelling so). but it was so fun !!

then... idk. i kinda forgot what happened LOL ! we tried to watch a few different shows (there's a show on netflix called King of Stonks ????) but othing rly stuck, and then i went home.

I ALSO ASKED THEIR BROTHER TO 3D PRINT ME LITTLE MINI TF2 MERCS OMG I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY SUPER HOPE HE DOES I WANT A LITTLE SCOUT TO FIT IN MY HAND OMG

anyways, i already finished most of my hw today yippee !! gotta do some studying, but it shouldnt take too long. i really reallu need some new clothes, so i'm hoping to go shopping today. i really want a nice zip up jacket !! all of my zip-ups curl up when i sit on them (like the front zipper part curls in on itself and its just EMBARASSING), and none of them really fit the way i want. i also want some new shorts, but Idk that probably wont end up happening LOLZ ! but im hoping to get some new clothes, bc i think my closet definitely needs a revamp. i think the last time i got a lot of new clothes was a couple years ago, and all of them look kinda frumpy and sad now. hopefully i can get some new items that make me feel good to wear !! really want to get into cool clothes, but i think i need to start small first lol. and by that, being ok with how i look even in 'basic' clothing ! so thats one of my goals for this year, i guess

i also opened my jetpens order yesterday !! definitely gonna post my items on my stationery page, bc they are SO NICE OMGGGGG !!! the dry erase markers i got were AMAZING , the uni ball one i got is SUCH A CUTE COLOR and its so easy to write with too !! i also really like the new pencil case, and the red lead is soo fun to write with !! it glides like BUTTER across the paper omg its so cool !!! the sun star pencil i got is ALSO SUPER CURTE its so fun !! cant wait to decorate the case tho omg. maybe ill do it on friday... hmmm idk !

and i think thats all that really happened recently !! gonna try and finish a hat im crocheting lol !

update !! bought 3 REALLY NICE SWEATERS !!! all are zip up, and one is full zip ! the other 2 are the same type of jacket, just diff colors (one is cream, and one is an olive tone). that oen also has thumb holes in the cuffs yaya !!! only thing that kinda annoys me is theyre only half zip, but theyre still really nice so i like em !!

also i did finish the hat yay !! super happy about that one. did get all my studying and hw done too !! i feel so productive. i want to start another crochet prpject, but i kinda dont know what to make... maybe another scarf ?? or maybe some handwarmers to donate. i do really like making those so that might be a good idea... idk. anyways, gonna go find smth to do LOZL !

weekend time !! i love fridays so much. i think if i got home earlier they would be my favorite day of the week. right now, its tied with saturday. if i had no work saturday, then that would be my favorite day of the week

my jetpens order arrived !!! Yippee !!!! ive yet to open it (waiting for a response from a friend :) ) but im so excited !!!

i got a poke bowl for dinner yayayyaya !! havnt eaten it yet, but im Soo hungry cant wait. dunno why i dont eat it now Ngl, but the fam is leaving in like an hour so i think i'll eat it then. thus i can enjoy it more, and lavish in one my greatest daily pleasures (embarassing alert !!!): Dinner with Youtube

i know its kinda a joke, esp online, but OMG dinner with youtube is honestly Sooo much fun its such an experience !!! it absolutely brightens my day, esp after work. although it might honestly just be the dinner part; idk if youtube really has anything to do with it boosting my mood LOLOL !

today was kinda a blah day Ngl... nothing all too exciting happened in my own life. But, it is CHEYTOPIA'S BIRTHDAY !!!! happy birthday, and i really do truly hope the coming year brings more excitment to you !! happy 27th year (i think tahts right ??) and wishing you all the best !!

nothing else really happened in my own life today tho :( except worrying about next school year. I REALLY want to take ap comp sci next year and forgo my free period, but a friend told me next yr is harder than current. idk if i will really Follow that advice tho (SRRY TOES..) bc everyone ive talked to says its easier, and i think i can do it ngl.

ALSO BEEN GETTING BACK INTO SPLATOON !!! side order and fresh season just came out, and im having so much fun !! forgot how exciting the game was !!! rewlaly Upset tho cuz all my outfits r kinda bad ngl... idk ill try and buy some cuter shirts soon !!!

anyways, probz gonna go play some splatoon before dinner. will update if anything else happens and, as always, have a great rest your day !!

got home from work a while ago. just had some dinner and rollerskated though.

today was such a Bleh day. and im not expecting tomorrow to be any better unfortunately :( school today was so BORINg and BAD and just overall exhausting and made my brain feel like mush.

luckily work was fine ! told them abt my Vacay andthey said it was all ok

they hired some new kid though, just today. and he looks to be abt my age which Worries me. idk. there was also a new guy last week, and he still makes me feel Weird. dont like him. i dont think he likes kids. cant tell if he was just irritated today or he was just a bad teacher there. i hope it was just an off-day for him, he had to leave early. i hope he's not always like that

im so tired. not even like normal, but just tired of like. doing the same things over and over. i just have to make it through one more week though, and im off the hook !! cant wait

been reading more of the tf2 comics and theyre SO. FUNNY. dude legit theyre liek SO FUNNY OMG im having SO MUCH FUN JUST READING THEM OMG !!!!! i want to learn how to draw all these people so bad bc theyre like. So stupid and SO FUNNY !!!! cant tell who's my fave ngl, theyre all so funny !! legit thinking of getting the game Just bc i think theyre funny.... but idk that feels kinda stupid imo LOLZ i would def be really bad at it and it would probably be boring

cant wait to get my jetpens order !!! also tomorrow is my last like Difficult day of this week which im really happy about. after i get home from work tomorrow i will be SO PLEASED omg

anyways, gonna try and get some rest. i feel so weary, and i need to get better ):

sooo tired omg. not even normal anymore im so annoyed. luckily i feel really academically motivated tho !! redid the math reviews again yesterday and that white board makes me sooo happy !!

in physics rn. hoping i dont have that much homework bc im so tired. wanna go home and like. plan. getting really really worried about everything and its frustrating me so much. irritated and nothing is helping :( havent been feeling good doing the stuff i like, only doing stuff that makes me feel productive and Fulfilled

i really want to be a doctor, its honestly the main thing driving me. trying to get an opthamology internship, but idk if anyone'll hire me/let me

hoping i can go on a vacay over spring break !! would be really fun and i think i need a change of scenery. also, i like road trips alot. so much fun and i Need to get out of texas omg. getting too hot too quickly and im so PEEVED about it !!

might write more later, gotta get back to class.

in study hall rn, feeling Super energetic !!! i have a math test enxt and im very worried. brought my physics teacher some white baord markers because i felt bad abt sitting in his room during study hall And using his markers Lolz. feel a little better btu still sad.

reallyyyyyyy worried abt my math test. i need to do good on it Omg,

just finished math test. feeling overwhelmingly exhausted. mentally, and a little physically too. my arms feel so heavy

dunno how that went. probably (definitely) could have looked it over more, but i had been doing that for 45 minutes at that point. decided just to turn it in; whatever i dont know now, i probably wont know either. but then again, thats what gave me my 58 so..

speaking of, i raised it to a 75. Yayyy.. still not great but better than a fail. im hoping and praying i do better on this test. need to raise my grade, and need it stat !

ive been so elated lately. whenever i think about Perchance being in medical school and studying medicine and even just Biology or even chemistry OMG i get such a boost of motivation !!! i really want to be a doctor. no one has responded to my internship messages though, so thats kinda sucky and annoying. even a no would be better than being ignored :(

its ok though, ill find somewhere to volunteer at eventually :) im holding out hope !

i want my jetpens order to ship so bad !!! theyre packaging it rn but Omg i want it b4 the weekend so i can decorate the pencil case and Fill It !!!!! its like a plain grey one which is kinda sad but i got it bc it seems to be the most Ergonomic for me. plus, i have stickers And washi tape And tons of other stuff 2 personalize it with !! cant wait when it comes in the mail omg. i Love receiving packages and letters And mail things :)

gonna see if theres anything else on my site i can work on in the next 20 minutes. been blogging too much lol !

my jetpens order shipped !! super happy about that happening, very excited to receive my items ! gosh i loev shopping

wondering if i should make another crochet bag... likely going on a VACAY soon yippee and want something to bring with me to work on. idk, maybe ill just make a scarf or smth easier. dont want to bring too much styuff i wont end up using

ahve to go to bed soon. tomorrow i have to tell work i actually have to take the whole week off, and im worried because i said only wednesday thursday on saturday... yikes..... i really hope theyre understanding, im super excited for this trip !!! i think i need a change of scenery, a change of pace. i think i need some more fresh air

i really want to get better at drawing !! makes me so sad whenever i realize how crappy of an artist i am. whatever, comes with practice i guess

gonna start preparing for bed. thanks for reading and i hope your tomorrow is better than your today !

just finished up redoing the math review. my test is on tuesday, and i need it to boost my grade. i need my teacher to not think im stupid

felt so uncomfortable and icky this wjole weekend honestly. have such a nasty sinking feeling in my stomach, and i need it to get fixed...

placed a new jetpens order !!! got some new stuff for school, and really excited. also got myself a little whiteboard to study with, and its so helpful !! dunno why i never got one sooner, its sooo helpful !! legit just do a problem and erase, do a problem and erase. i bet itd be so helpful for history too omg !!!

bought some new pencils, a new pencil case, a new pen id been wanting, some red lead, a couple dry erase markers, and a fountain pen converter !! panini got me some GORGEOUS GLITTERY PURPLE INK for my bday and i havent been able to use it yet, so im SOoo excited for that !!! also the pencil case seems really nice, its black, but i might add some sticjers and stuff to make it cuter. i ened to feel Peppy and Happy to go to school ! i have 2 stop being such a Debby DOwner BAHAH !

cant believe i was using the WRONG form of stationery for so long btw. still looks wrong tho. Omg that was EMBARASSING !!!! glad that person corrected me tho lolz, at least now i know for the future

been so Dehydrated lately. maybe i should use that Stanley Cup again. that really helped me feel So hydrated and girlcore. it was really nice

speaking of girlcore, Panini said the phrase "Stanley Cup Gender Euphoria" yesterday which was really funny. but also true i guess ??? idk ist such a strange idea to apply to myself, a gal who was born a girl, but Idk. maybe theyre right

I LOVE THE TF2 CREW !!!!! THEYRE SO FUNNY. ITS SO FUNNY. THEYRE SO FUNNY. theyre all so omg. im so. Im so normal about this game. Its such a funny game. I want to learn how to draw ALL OF THEM !!!!

gonna try and drink some water, and get ready for bed. school tomorrow is gonna be rough...

ps been working on my stationery page !! have a ton more stuff to add, but got My basics up there so go check it out !!! its finally coming together and im a BIG fan of it !

just finished a history quiz. turned it in really early though, and im worried i did something wrong because everyone's still working. oh well

so worried about school right now. someone asked me if i had seen my math teacher and asked which level of the class i should be in next year. apparently someone did, and my teacher told her to drop down a level. and that girl is super smart. scared to drop down because ive known everyone in this class for so long. its also just kinda the only thing i know. and the only thing i have, i guess

yesterday at work this guy yelled at me. it was like a sentence, but it was scary. but he started talking to me like normal afterwards, so idk if i jjust heard wrong or something. either way, my heart was beating extra fast after that moment

started reading the tf2 comics last night LOLZ ! theyre actually so funny. finished the intro comic and the 1st edition, and scout and spy are in JAIL !?!?!?!? Craycray !! cant wait to read some of it later

i feel realy sick Rn. like not ill Physically, but sick to my stomach. Whateva. hopefully it goes away. want to crochet, havent done that in a while. need to get my paper revisions done, and work on my math problem set. and spanish. and english. Ugh i hate school, i hope it gets better soon. have a lovely time to whoever's reading !!

feeling awful, teacher told me i should drop down. which is definitely for the best, and i like 90% will drop down, but i also just feel like. awful about it. thats really all i have and now i feel So Freaking Bad (sob)

whatever, we Live and we Ball. ill feel better later maybe. maybe ill ask to get a bev or something lately. idk if i deserve one tho, so idk. Ugh feel so so so so So bad. i hope it will pass. it better..

feeling even worse now. even had a good dinner and everything. hoping i just need to get some energy out. really worried work tomorrow is going to be bad. i am really afraid, i hope it goes well. i need to fix this sinking feeling, but i dont know how. i hate school

at school right now. in study hall, which should be fine, but idk. i feel super bad for no reason, and all of a sudden. out of nowhere.

been listening to a lot of music today. while shuffling through a playlist, spotify added some russian music to the queue. and its so good and its so sad. was listening to the lyrics and translating them and its so sad. devastating. and for no reason. like yes, it is really sad, but it feels really like... idk. not surface level but definitely not worth a personal revelation

and it doesnt help that the band is like... the stereotypical slavic punk phonk type beats, molchat doma. even the band name just means like... slouching around and doing nothing in the house. or at least thats what i took it to mean. dont know if its right, but whatever

2nd day ive forgotten my lunch. which makes me really upset, bc i need to remember more and yet all im doing is remembering less and less. awful, awful thing to have happen. i want my memory to be even better than it has been, not get worse. i dont need to have the mind of a 90 year old when im not even halfway there

i ahve work today. im afraid, and yet i dont know why. i got paint all over myself during fine arts. maybe thats what caused this ? im not sure. but it was a very staining paint, and now its all over my shirt and shoes and legs

got a new skirt for school, and its a lot shorter than my other one. makes me feel better because it fits me a ton better, but i always feel like my shorts are sticking out. which would be super embarassing.

i feel like something bad is going to happen today, which is bad. i hope its not at work, because that would be awful. but maybe home would be worse. i dont know, but i hope its over quickly.

been feeling like im losing interest in my friends. not when im around them, but looking back on everything. wonder if im spiraling again, i really really hope not. Whatever itll be fine

gonna see if i can do something to keep my mind off whatever is bugging me. maybe a crossword would help. anyways, hope youre having a lovely Lovely day !

figured out what the bad thing was. i got a 58.8 on a math quiz. and the maximum grade i can get on it is a 76. feel actually awful. and its hoesstly fine, not the end of the world. im just so so so disappointed in myself. its ok. work was easy. just dont want to go to school tomorrow. at all. have to study, and i do not want to do that

school today was really Weird ngl. which is fine honestly bc better than Bad BAHAHAH ! anyways, crocheting rn. also really tired, but idk why this time. like i ate enough, i drank good water, i went outside. idk. whatever, probz nothing different Lol !

um. been thinking about tf2 lately.... bc jerma plays it.... and like. Watched all the valve youtube Meet the Crew vudeos and dude this would be SUCH A FUNNY SHOW IF IY EXIESTED I would be so happy. Honestly would watch a Tf2 show. this is so embarassing omg but liek THEYRE SO ENTERTAINING !!!! some people were saying theres tf2 COMICS and OMG.... WOULD PURCHASE AND READ AND ENJOY OMG !!!!

adding onto that, jerma is so funny omg. im like kinda really sad he retired bc dude why did i have 2 join the Jermamites when hes's like. almost done with his career !! and i know he still streams every now and then and im glad hes getting like rest n stuff but Omg. i miss the guy... Jermy come back. We miss u man. #BringBackTheManWhoMans

kinda annoyed with this page layout Ngl. really wanna add more little cool things and im sure i will but im so Eepy from making the page that im not rly in the mood to decorate it ngl :( might just try and like... idk just try and do it over the weekend or smth. idk ! bc i know its gonna be fun and i know its gonna end up looking Cool and Epic but idk, just not in the mood to decorate rn

started on crocheting a hat !! so much fun and its such a simple pattern so much. just back loop only single crochet, which is super duper fun and easy !!

gonna try and get some more rest. crochet some more, give myself some Rest of whatever. hope anyone reading is doing lovely !!

finally i think im pretty much done with the base layout !! def wanna add more images and gifs and fun little flair and stuff, but i think ive covered all the main things i wanted to do !! especially proud of the minecraft sign current block, really glad i had that idea. i think its super cool !!

wondering if i should go with a coral reef theme instead of a garden one. hung out with panini a lot this weekend, and they suggested an underwater coral reef theme and i REALLY want to do it. but also.... garden is so cute !!

anyways, this weekend was SO MUCH FUN !!! spent saturday and sunday with panini (after work n homework Obvi lolz...) and we did so much !!! also enjoyed a PLETHORA of yummy drinks which was really epic !!

yesterday i had a DELICIOUS LATTE with like... hazelnut syrup ???? and it was SOOSOOSOSOSOSOOOO GOOD !!!! and on saturday i had a pistachio latte that was also delish !!! there was more of a rich coffee flavour and it was SO. GOOD. Omg !!! and then today i had a matcha latte with boba !!! delicious omg. been having so many little treats, im so happy !!

made myself some more handwarmers !! my advisory for school planned a valentines day secret santa type thing, and the girl who got me gifted me some ADORABLE YARN !!! Used the grey she gave me to make handwarmers and theyre SO. NICE OMG !!! so warm and i used a different technique, so they fit a lot better and theyre so nice !!

also spent a lot of time working on this page, and im pretty happy with how it looks for now !! def wanna work on it more tho, so stay tuned !!

forgot how much i missed blogging daily lolz ! have a great rest of your day !!

clicking on the first post here (post 87) makes the background image change size and i DONT KNOW WHY.... it also makes the post box size change which is so irritating. i thought i fixed it yesterday but i guess not omg. also working on adding little dividers to each of the post boxes because its so cute !!

more image 2 test what the issue is

hope i can figure it out and get back 2 blogging normally !!

sipping the best coffee rn. its like.. a latte with..... gosh i forget what the clerk at the counter said it had. it was like hazelnut syrup and soemthing else.... gosh i forgot what but it is SO DELISH !!!! best coffee ive ever had genuinely omg

Still dunno how 2 format this. Helppppp coding is like. hard again. Sobbing...

2nd p

update (4:31 pm) Im starting to like it !! i figure out the issue (forgot it already tho Bahahah) and now its all working how i intended yippee !!! just gotta add some more touches on this stylistically. really like the garden theme !!! need to find some adorable graphics and stuff ! so happy i figured it out omg. gotta just do more styling now, which is always fun ! also have 2 remember to link this page on the main blog source Lol !

not a real blog post, i need a sample so I can make this format look right. and this is gonna be SUPER DIFFICULT because a am not a creative person and thus this is gonna take me forever to figure out a blog format. Help

second paragraph to see how that will work

image to see how to format that. erm. help...

breaks to see if the read more works

time to do all the css. ugh yikes.