april 30, 2024. 3:06pm
been feeling Super icky for the past few days and Whoopdy Doo Who'da Thunk Im on My girl Days !!! Hahahhahahhahahahahhaa my stummy hurts soo bad omg....
luckily only have less than an hour left in the school day, and i can go home and change. i have to do sooo much studying tho, i have a math test in the morning that im very worried for. hopefully ill feel motivated at home. i really want a yummy drink, but i already had one earlier, so i dont think i should get another one. maybe ill try to make one Homemade later idk
friend feeling a little bit better !! still worried and i Hope they dont feel bad again later but for now theyre ok yayaya !! thinking abt making another scrapbook page
i need to buy so many stickers its not even funny. i need to decorate and decorate and decorate and decorate !!!! i need to scrapbook more and i need more time in the day
ughghgh i hate history last period. i should be working on my paper rn bc it FRICKING SUCKS but im so unmotivated and tired and just Unwell feeling.
i hope it is not too hot later today... i think if i finish all my studying i will reward myself with a rollerskating session. but its supposed to be like 80 degrees for the rest of the day, so idk if thats possible.....
also been thinking abt how i Never really know how im feeling !! also havent felt like im experiencing things lately. like i cant believe this is my life rn... which is such a lame thing to say ngl but its also just like... its just so annoying. and saddening, i guess. like im supposed to be making memories but i couldnt even tell you the last time i had a memorable experience :(
i reallyyy want a salad... maybe i will go with my mom to get a yummy one later today. my legs will probably hurt too much to go skating, anyways. my legs always feel like JELLY on my period, and i also havent been eating enough iron lately, so i dont think ill be as strong of a skater as usual :( maybe i will just crochet with jerma in the evening.
OJH YUEAH ALSO I GOT MY BRACES REMOVED IN THE MORNING !!! Crazy thing to forget abt, a girl in my clsss just complimented me on them LOLZ which is. kinda funny bc i totally forgot. i really dont like it though honestly. you can see how yellow and Coffee Stained my teeth are, and how big and still rough and ugly they are... idk. this should be a separate post honestly, but im very like.. Unhappy with how i look lately. idk. i can like. i can SEE POTENTIAL to be Pretty or Good looking or whatever which is a step forward, but Idk hwo to Realize the prettyness... stupid thing to say and idek if it makes sense, but we'll see, we'll see
ok its now 3;43 but not Later Enough for me to make a new date thingy. i am So tired. like actually so tired, i better be able to study later. maybe i will study in my comfy chair, idk, but i am SO. TIRED........ cant do this today. i hate this time of year, im always irrationally exhausted bc school is annoying stressful. even now, when its not that bad, im still So So SO So SO worried and tired...
9:39 pm
i feel so behind. emotionally, physically, mentally. i feel stunted. i feel like everyone around me is growing and maturing and im stuck as the same exact person i was two years ago. ive changed but i havent grown. i am no more developed than i was at 12. i need to grow up. everyone always tells me im so mature but all i see in the mirror is some kid who doesnt talk enough for people to get who i am
im thinking about a lot of old memories, how a lot of my bestest friends from years ago have become totally different people, how i miss them all so much, how i want to talk to them again and ask questions, how afraid i am of them now. how different we all are. how i caused everything
i need to change, but i dont know how. i wonder if i should start watching other people, people who seem more normal, to see how to fix myself. i used to think about this a ton, but i havent for a year or so. maybe i will go back to trying to fit in or whatever, idk. i hate feeling so odd though. like people look at me differently.
everyone in my family thinks i have autism for some reason. my dad has it, and he told me the other day that im 'probably like him in that sense.' i think they just dont get that i can just be weird. i dont need to have a neurological disorder to just be plain weird, and no one gets it. ugh. hopefully i grow out of this stupid phase where i dont feel like a real or normal girl.
i think i need some more friends, but idk how to make them. i always get too loud and too obnoxious and noisy and annoying when i get too comfortabele, which then repels people, which shuts me up, which brings them back, and i feel safe, and the cycle repeats. ugh
i wish i were a normal person so badly, it seems so easy. i wish i didnt remember things when i went to bed at night