Im so tired !!! its been better recently, but last week was SO HARD. school was hard, work was stressful, hobbies were not fun, life was greyer, mind was blank, head empty, too much to do, plate full. it was soooo stressful, but most of the stress is gone now.

I GOT MUALANI;S WEAPON YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS I GOT IT !!!! IT TOOK ME SOOO LOGN GRINDING OUT THE GAME AND EXPLORING THE MAP BUT YYA ZAZAAAAA ima ctually SO HAOPY she has like 200% CRIT DMG she;s SO TANKY. i love mualani she's so cuteeee omg :)

now i have 3 5 star catalysts !! time for me to quit playing for 3 months just to come back to try to get another cutesie girl LOl

been listening to a lott of snow strippers lately . my music page is all complete now too ! just filling in soem more artists and songs and albums, but thatll probably take a LONG TIME to backlog all my favorite music, so keep checking in if thats what you're into !

i have my hobonichi 2025 plans basically all finalized ! and im going to ask for the cover for my birthday (i think!) ! ive decided on the 2023 liberty fabrics betsy (neon purple), and online its basically the same price as this year's, which is pretty neat ! it also looks a lottt cuter. and purple is my all time favorite color ! so glad i decided to look back at the older covers, bc the ones this year were kinda bad...

still stuck on which pilot pen to get ! ruminating on the pilot prera in royal blue, but idk... i might just end up getting a metropolitan... sighhh i wish their color options were better !!! i wish i could buy a sailor pen....

i hope this week goes well, bc ive been SO EXHAUSTED for the past couple of weeks.

realized my family is having people over in like 3 weeks and im STILL upset about it. like 7 "family friends" (3 of them ive met and their son is ANNOYING AF and ive never ever met the other 4) ughghgh its ok i have 3 weeks to mentally prep. Wish me luck u guys.

ok im really tired. i think i will go to bed soon, im not excited for school. sighhhh..... if only i DIDNT HAVE GRADES... then school would be so fun !

toodlesss !

anyone who knows me in real life should not read this post

and warning for self harm, cutting, and overall upsets

feeling the worst ive felt in a long time. i fele like the harder i try to stay clean, the harder i fail and the worse i get

havent actually thought about killing myself in a long time, but last night was so rough. considering committing more than i ever have.

i cant believe ive been like this for 5 years. i dont know what im supposed to do, honestly. i dont think i will ever get better. should i even try anymore? i feel like i should just let my moods take control honestly

nothing is good enough motivation, and honestly all i want to do is inflict unto myself what i inflict onto others. i feel so disgusting and gross and evil. maybe i will just finish my homework and take more melatonin and sleep through the day.

anyways. i dont know why im like this. i havent been careful or thoughtful at all about where im cutting, and im afraid its so obvious. now im going to have to spend another week spouting stupid excuses and bad lies. i hope im believable. i wish people were ignorant. but at this point, does it even really matter if people care? or know? i dont think anyone will really do anything. not worse thanwhat im doing to myself, anyway

feeling disgustinggg... cant wait to go to sleep and wake up in the mornkng. i hate sundays

havent eaten nything yet. I made myself some coffee. but it tastes horrible. but i am feeling too tired to not drink it

feeling a lot better. crazy what eating a meal can do ! i hope school tomorrow goes alright r

i am so tired and so sad and so unwell

i dont know why keeping clean is literally harder than keeping a duolingo streak. i am so nervous for tomorrow, i have pe and i cant wear long sleeves or pants. i hope and pray i will somehow be all healed in the morning.

i need to force myself to be clean so i can order my planner. i have decided i have to be 2 weeks clean to place a $60 order, and every additional week is $20. i need to keep my head above water and i need to keep clean so i can be normal. i am so nervous for work as well

people my age dont really pay attention to that; i also dont think anyone cares. im unfortunately believing that adults probably care more, but idk. maybe ill just wear a sweater and try to cover my knees if anyone is nearby. i dont need nayone to tell me anything abt how im loved or whatever.

trying to figure out how i could ever be clean because i seriously dont know how that would be possible. hoping i will form a habit of NOT cutting.

Maybe i should stop trying to redesign my blinkie at work... ir eally dont want anyone there finding this site....... erm.....

i am so tired. this weekend has been so not restful. i am hungry. maybe i will eat. and then study. and play a game. and look at jetpens. and journal. and go to bed. i need to distract myself

maybe i should just throw out my blades

feeling a little bit better, i had dinner. i hope school tomorrow will be alright; i hope my quiz goes well. i think tomorrow will be a defining factor in how good this week goes

because then ill go to crew in the afternoon, and wednesday ill have work, and i wont have a free moment until friday probably. so i should be able to stay clean for at leats 4 days, which might be enough to push me to keep going

in the meantime i will just have to continue looking on jetpens for things to motivate me. ill continue watching hobonichi setups, and planner girlies, and jetpens videos. ill continue distracting

i am so tired. i hope i feel awake tomorrow morning

so many times ive wondered if i should ask people in my life for help, but it always sounds so awkward and kind of stupid. idk. i feel like if online resources help me there's not much adults irl can

but maybe its worth a shot. maybe ill try this week, ill try to ask someone. clearly i need some help. clearly something's wrong. i hope i can one day leave this all behind

i was listening to a song on youtube the other day, and the comments were full of people celebrating milestones. years being sober, self harm free, despression free. i hope one day i can say im a year clean from cutting. i hope i will be able to forget this when im older. i hope i heal

Happy september !

emptied and cleaned my kaweco last night and filled up my lamy with sailor manyo nadeshiko ! and its actually GORGEOUS and its AMAZING and im SO HAPPY i bought it !!!

ive basically settled on buying an a6 hobonichi for myself. i can continue tracking my time and activities, but im hoping to utilize the whole planner to track habits and things i need to do. just to occupy myself a little more, and to make myself feel better. and to encourage good habits and discourage bad ones. so thats pretty exciting !!

putting together a wish list of things to buy to make the planner easier to use. currently have the hobonichi a6 itself, some index tabs to make it easier for me to flip through, and the midori md clear a6 cover. but idk if that cover is what i really want or would use

because it is the cheapest option, but i want to keep all my planning stuff in one place (and the midori cover has no pockets or anything, its just a plastic cover [i think]). but the hobonichi covers are just SO expensive !!! and im honestly not a huge huge fan of any of them...

idk, i have literally like three months LOL ! im very very worried that my next jetpens order will be SO expensive tho ! bc the planner alone is 40 dollars, and everything else combined would also be expensive... ughghgh why cant i just have unlimited money.... why cant i be paid to enjoy my life ?!?!?? maybe i should work more than 3 x a week. Ugh. i want money I WANT A RAISE

So far today is going better than yesterday! hoping it stays that way. might end up watching some more planner vidoes Slash jerma and just keep farming for mualani.

but i have to study tomorrow !!!! ughghh... kinda not happy about school ngl. Ok. i will go now. byebyeeee !

feeling soo awful... so cooped up and sad. ugh. relapsed and cant stop rn. been in my room all day, havent eaten enough or drank enough or done enough. just feeling sooo gross

hoping i can get some time to cook my favee pasta later so i can feel better and distract myself but idk. my dad is home rn and he has been staying up LATE doing NOTHING and just sitting in the kitchn. and i dont like being in the kitchen when other people are in the kitchen :(

seriously wish i had work today because i Needdd to get out of the house but i dont really want to do anything in particular. at least i was a little productive, i did some hw and studying. just feel so awful and i dont know why

ive been farming for mualani and its soo fun ! natlan has actually been fun to explore, and its very exciting !! im getting pretty nervy that i wont get her weapon tho, and its stressing me out !! i have it guaranteed, i just need to get a 5 star. and my luck is SHIT so im hoping and praying ill be able to get enough primos by like 2 weeks to reahc poity and get it. but idk

i dont even know why i feel so gross today !! its probably because i havent actually done anything... ughghghhhh... i hope i feel better asapppp

thinking about getting a hobonichi a6 planner. bc they have such cute covers ! but idek if i Need the cover, so i ight just end up gettig a ummm midori md clear cover for it. just trying not to get too obsessed about anything bc jetpens makes it seem like all the hobonichi stuff will sell out by the end of today, and i dont want to order anything until like.. at leasttt late september. sooo

tryibg to distract myself so i dont cut anymore toda but :( not going too great. Arggg why are long weekends always so depressing !?

I GOT MUALANI !!!!! I GOT HERRR Lost the weapon banner to freedom sworn tho... Smh

wanting to get a hobonichi techo for 2025 ! maybe i will get one of the cuter weeks ones. idk, or maybe ill get a daily :)

School;s kinda bad again. Feeling gross n shitty Ewwww ew ew ewww

Ok no irlz from here on out. Bye byeeee

was thinking about How i could cut myself secretly while also getting the satisfaction after chemistry. but i SERIOUSLY dunno how, often than going completely down my arm (Not so screet! not furtive...) and UGH im so annoyed. anyways... ended up relapsing :( kinda sucks

esp because today wasnt even that bad !!! Just wanted that dopamibe hit... shcool was like fine, and work was also fine. im just like. Ugh. im already overwhelmed and tired and afraid and im being Different but idk if its in a good way or a bad way, i cant tell. i miss my friends i havent been seeing as often. i wish my friends were feeling amazing. i wish they were healthy

Maybe i shoyld just start wearing long sleeves to school all the time like i used to, so no one would tell when i went crazy. school is cold enough as is. ill try it tomorrow

anyways. wondierng if i should ask this one guy at work about computer science and Java. i have so many questions for all these people !! they seem so Knowledgable and Experienced. Wish i were Normalcore

i will probably go early next saturday to do some studying at the cafe next door, just so i feel a little less overwhelmed by school. And i can get a sweet treat !

i am hoping i dont go back to cutting Incredibly regularly. even though i relapse every few days, its better than cutting 3 times a day. ugh i wish i was normal u guys

its ok tho ! tomorrow is another day, and i will try my hardest to stay clean. maybe i need to get the I Am Sober app LOLOL.

mualani releases in TWO. DAYS !!!!!!!!!!!!!! IM ACTYALLY SQUEALING IM SOOO EXCITED.. kinda embarassing but im SO EXCITEDDDDDDD IM SO HYPED

genshin impact gets SUCH a bad rap online and like... Yes. There are a LOT of weird aspects And Racism And AWFUL fans And just WILD things but the charcater designs can be SO GOOD. JUST SOOOO EXCELLENT !!!!!!1 when kokomi released two years ago i fell in LOVE and the same thing is true w mualani. Me when ocean themed girls. Maybe its just the fish theme actually. Unsurprising...

ughghghgh im just SO HYPED. i actually cannot wait !! i have liek 45 wishes saved up ! which is not a lot (i had over 100 for kokomi.. Erm) but its a lot for only saving for a month or so !! i cannot wait for her omg. pulling for her ASAP after school on thursday. i will finish up ALL my homework. and i will pull for her and go CRAZY on genshin . Heart emoji

and its PERFECT timing bc its labor day weekend !!! so i have ALL THE WAY from friday after school to monday to lazeee arounf and play this awful stupid game. i love pretty characters omgggg

i actually just CANT WAIT !! i should seriously do spiral abyss And the thetare rn to get some more primos... but im kinda not in the mood. mayeb tho. Ok anywaysss im gonna go play some genshin. Feel free to mock me. Its stupid. but its also stupidly fun. I love videogames :)

ok toodlesss !

just finished up the layout for this new blog page !! i liek it so far but ill probz be changing lots of things in it soon. designing it was A STRUGGLE though ! glad i got it to a place im happy w before the week :)

weevildoing came out w chemical girl yesterday and. Omg i hate her. I hate her design and her song and its all SO BAD . the song itself is so BAD and the lyrics also SUCK and i feel sooo bad but omg its just. Its just NOT MY FAVE ANYMORE . sob emoji. weevildoing ily but chemicl girl was NOT my fave. splitter girl still my fave . shes great

got a new journal today ! about to end my 2nd one YAYAAA so i got a green one w like a mint strap ?? AND ITS SOOO CUYTE IM EXCITED TO DECORATEE it !! i have some adorableee stickers and i cant wait to use them :)

i also FINALLYYYY bought myself some uni ball one p's ! theyre like. the perfect size for my hands honestly !! and the ceramic body feels SO NICE TO HOLD and i just loveee uni ball black ink its soo vibrant. i bought them for a few dollars overpriced but ive been wanting them for FOREVER and i got the 'ok' from my mum so yay !! will probably use them in my school planner

speaking offff, its actually not that bad this year so far !! im having a lot of super fun laughs w friends and talking to a LOT more people than last yr ! feeling a lot more like a person than an extra in a tv show which is SO AMAZING !!! been having some super fun conversations !

and all my teachers seem SOOO nice except my english teacher Um. I dont think she and i will get along very well LOLOLOL she seems to be very 'follow the rules by the book' and i dont do that... SO.... um ...

anyways ! going to probably start getting ready for tomorrow and doing some last minute things before bed. see ya ! hopw yall like the new layout !!

working on my THIRD blog now !! have yet to link it, and it is still very very VERYYYY in progress, but im hoping it comes along pretty well !! i will probably update this post later, but for now its just to grasp what the layout will look like.

breaks for testing max height.