been getting really heavily back into stomach book lately . i;ve been thinking wayyyy too much about other people's perceptions of me, and my mom has been hammering in the idea that im sooo so so so so ugly based on my scars and just how i look in general and like. it honestly just makes me want to cut and scratch more :( ive never had people really care all too much about my scars and stuff but the things she says are just so degrading and i dont know if i should believe her or not :( idk

i dont really like meeting new people bc it freaks me out a lot and i get sooo so so so so self conscious about how im presenting myself and if im really conveying who i am or if im just showing the personality i want to be seen with. i think ive done a pretty ok job though, so thats good ..

ive been very tired, mentally and physcially lately though... erm.... ive been getting home and all i want to do is lay in bed and just not exist for a few hours . very hyper aware of the words im saying and how im portraying my life, and im trying to figure out if its right or wrong. gahhh i just want 2 have normal perceptions and normal people hours !!!!!!!

i really want 2 place my jetpens order asap, but the stickers i wanted the most are now OUT OF STOCK... BOOOOOOOO !! so now i have 2 wait for those tpo be restocked to place my order, which is like... Ugh annoying. i changed my planner ink to robert oster dusky pink and its SOOOO CUTE with the brown february accents in the hobonichi. ugh i love paper and pens and inks !!

ive been having such a good time journaling too !! ive been thinking a lot about growing up and who ive become and am still becoming, and its really cool to look back on the me from 2-4 years ago and realizing how much ive grown and developed. been meaning to journal about it for like 2 weeks now and javent got around to it, so ill try tonight. ive been really on top of stuff lately, and it makes me really happy !!!

thinking of going to uniqlo over the weekend to see if they have any of those built-in-bra tanktops because i would COP and WEAR ALL THE DAMN TIME if they did. soooo YAYA maybe ill ask my mommy to come w me or smth. because i feel like that would be a LIFECHANGER !! lately ive been wearing this tanktop with SUPER BAD built in cups that are sooo unsupportive i have 2 wear a bra underneath the tanktop, but that just makes me soo uncomfortabke and stiff. so that would be really nice if it existed and WORKED. sooo yaya ! been thinking about clothes a lot lately .

i really want to curate a really pretty, mature, ladylike wardrobe, but all of the clothing in the style i want seems to be VERY EXPENSIVE and im not sure if i want to spend that much money while im lowkey still growing and changing, physically and fashion-wise. so idk . but ive been pretty unhappy with the ultra-casualness of all my clothes so. idk ! we'll see if that emds up happening Ever...

ok im gonna leave this post here for now. bye yalll, much love ! hope everyone's doing good :)

this week has SUCKED so hard and i hate english class even more. i think the teacher hates me too now

had an awful exchange with her yesterday and i never want to see her again. almost made me cry i cannot ever deal with her again .. . .

and then had an AWFUL exxhange with the fam yesterday, and both bad situations led me to relapse and it was sooo bad it hurt sooo bad. i always forget how bad the scratching burns for the rest of the day (and the shower after), but my blades have gotten very dull and i havent had a chance to buy new ones.

just been feeling overall Blehhh for a while . idk i hope i feel better soon

found someone on the minecraft server the other day who has SUCH a similar music taste to me, which was really cool ! they also got me back into underscores which is fun, so ive been listening to a Lott of wallsocket lately. havent ever really listened to stupid (cant run from the urge), and thats been basically on loop for the past couple days which is cool ! also found out they listen 2 tu tu neurotic by the hellp which was a BLAST it was cool. that song is sooo good i will never get over how emotional it makes me

i have work in like 30 min but i lowkey dont want to goooo i feel so uncomfy and like. cold ? but i got a LOT of hw done this morning so ill be free all weekend :) i crochet myself a little cutesy bunny lip balm holder thursday evening, and its SOOO cute im very proud of myself :) i'm gonna make a bear version for toes, and i hope i can start up another scarf tomorrow or today bc ive missed crocheting !! also want to donate some more stuff b4 it gets too hot to, so ya !

hopefully work is ok, im soo tired. had a TERRIFYING ROACH EXPERUENCE KAST NIGHT TOO so i hd to sleep in a different place than my room bc when i was washing my face i looked up to see a roach STARING AT ME. FROM INCHES FROM MY FACE. AND UT SCARED ME SOOO MUCH i screamed so hard it was sooo scary i had 2 rush to get a sweater bc i was wearing a tanktop and couldnt go downstairs sleeves bare . but it was TERRRIFYING !!!! anyways. hopefully all is good by the time i get home but bejessus im still scared from that

reading a coming of age book for english and i have never understood why they always make such a big deal of having girls get excited to have their boobs grow bc ive NEVER DONE THAT BEFORE ???? i remember when mine kinda grew more fuller i got SO FREAKING SCARED and started being veryyy self conscious. so. happy for the girls in this book but Wowee i dont think ive ever had that happen to me ! that always happen with coming of age girl books and its like. idk. it makes me feel out of place because i can never tell if the descriptions of that are for like. enhancing the story and making readers feel at peace Or if thats asctully what other people go through. idk. but im so happy i go to an all girl school, i was thinking the other day about how glad i am that i dont go 2 school withboys. so , thats that ig

anyways. i want to update this site more bc last night i noticed IM ON NEOCITIES FRONT PAGE !???!!! WAHOO !!!!!!!!! top 8 too i was so shocked surprised ! thanks all you guys, im so happy people like my site enough to keep visiting !! whenever i get repeat messagers on my cbox, or emails to my site account, or anything from real people that see this website, my heart like EXPLODES vecause its soo sweet and yall are akways so kind :) excetpt for the occasional slur user in the cbox that i have to rush and get rid of :( if anyone knows a good way to STOP people from saying slurs in your chat boxes pls let me know :)

but overall, thank all of you guys for getting me to this poitn !! if u would have told me when i made my site that i would have been on neocity main oafe at some piint, i would hav NEVER beleived uou ! so im SO happy people like seeing my website, all the kind comments always make me very emotional :) love you all !!

ive been feeling ok.. Ish... idk ! currently 6 days clean (fingers crossed i Stay clean...) and im feeling pretty ok. me and panini have been playing a lot of minevcraft which is fun !!

we joined this one server that i lowkey HATED ! it was a very pay 2 win type of server, and i thought i could ignore it at first but it was just SO ANNOYING... so we found a new one and i like it a LOT BETTR !!

people online are sooo much nicer, a lot less.. Braggy ? idk everyone on the other server was so annoying and very like. snobby type ? idk how to explain it but i felt like. even just being online made me uncomfy... Which is not the case w the new server !! they have a LOT of super cool mods installed (took me like. a frustatingly long period of time to figure it out LOL) and its so cutesy ! they have chairs and fairy lights and cutesie flowers and animals and im SO excited to get into it :) i hope its nice ! the community is lowkey pretty small which is PERF for me (i really dont like huge servers LOL. theyre stressful...) and im so excited to play later tonight. i need to find a place to build my base and start mining . i ALSO MADE A SQUID BACKPACK and its SOOO stupid looking i love him so so SO much :)

i still havent placed my jetpens order, but i think i will sometime this week. the winter blues were REALLY getting to me a few days ago, and i dont think ive fully recovered yet sooo..

also HAPPY BDAY TOES !!! her birthday was sunday, and her, panini, and i had a sleepover and it was SOOO FUNNN it was great . and then she had a bday dinner yesyerday that was ALSO super fun !! i wore a very pretty green dress and finally got to wear out my leather bag and ugh it was SO FUN !! i had a great time, and i really want to meet up w that group again, it was so so so SO FUN !!

ive still been very into panchiko lately, which Idk how to feel about honestly. their msuic is so... Depressing... idk.. its good, though. very winter core. speaking of, its been SO SO SO cold where i live lately ! i dont mind, bc i loev the cold weather, but its just surprising.

im still sad ive been blogging a lot less, but i reall like my diary now !! ive been writing in it a ton, and i refilled my fine lamy with a purple cartridge and oits SOOO pretty !! im still debating on a green ink to buy from jetpens, and i think thats whats stopping me from placing the order Ngl... idk. maybe ill look rn LOL! still in class, but i finished the comp sci lab (yay !) so ive been studying, but i got kinda bored so im back 2 neocities :)

everytime someone comments in the cbox anything along the lines of 'wow youre such a codign queen !' i cant help but kinda giggle to myself bc i feel like i am NOT a good coder LOL ! but i also vividly remember being very suspicious of other sites who said that when i was just starting out, so i guess its a normal reaction. im thinking of redoing the main page, but i dont want to get rid of ... idk... maybe ill just do a little remodeling. ive been thinking of making my own pixel repeating bg to replace the moon and stars that i have there, but i just dont want to. Actually make it LOLZ ! maybe ill get on that soon.... idkkkk. Idk !!

ok im gonna go scroll jetpens for afew minutes b4 class ends. byebye yall !! hope youre doing lovely :)

happy new year!! so far so good, and i am having high hopes about the rest of the year, knock on wood!!

i recently got a laptop riser (bc ermm if u didnt know i exclusively use laptops) so i dont have to continuously look DOWN whenever im using the internet, and im really liking it so far!! its pink and adjustable and has a space underneath for my (objectively ugly dark grey) keyboard that ive been using to type now. yay set-up progress!!

i havent really been blogging as much because ive been SOOOOO into my diary the last couple of weeks i love her sooo much shes a GORGEOUS lilac leuchtturm and i love it so much. ive also been using a LOT of really adorableee stickers because i have soo much more space in the a5 than i did in my pocket size notebook (which is about half the size Ish of an a5) and its so fun !

yesterday i rewatched Boo York Boo york and the Great Scarrier Reef (both monster high movies if u didnt know) and they were SO FUNNY i highly recommend yall see them. rewatching them made me feel sooo much like a kid again! and the ridiculous plots and everything made me giggle a lot, i love those movies. anyways the new g3 cupid doll thats supposed to come out Sometime in 2025 is SO STINKING CUTE and i want her SO BAD id put her on my DESK im not so into doll collecting as i usedto be but... WOW!!! i love her i NEED her i WILL be purchasing her at some point. ily cupid. ALSO she was an EVER AFTER HIGH CROSSOVER CHARACTER so... i need her !

been listening to a lot of panchiko lately (aka the only 3 songs of theirs i really really like on repeat

i still havent placed my jetpens order, but im lowkey needing it bc my desk is really messy with all my journaling-specific supplies, and i really want to clean it up but i lowkey Cant until i get my new pen case. sighhhhhh

its been snowing the past couple of days, which is really nice! i havent had school yestertday or today, which is always nice. i think i still have work tomorrow, but thats Fine :)

been crocheting and watching a Lot of jerma. his mortuary assistant stream is SO GOOD i might rewatch it (again) today. io alkso started silent hill last night, so i might continue that. started a scarf last night, and its about a third of the way done and i want to try and finish it today so :)

kind of sad i havent been really updating my site a lot lately. like all ive really been doing is daily moods and music ive been listening to. but i have been pretty busy, so. i guess it works out :)

bye yall ! hope youre having a lovely day :)

feeling kinda bad but whatever. i think i just need to go outside, but i honestly dont want to rn. its dark, and cold, and i want to stay at my desk staring at the screen

im drifting away from my 2 closest friends that have been my besties since like 7th grade. idk if im just too spaced out to register anything rn, but i'm feeling really indifferent about it. idk. we dont even share a lot in common anymore. maybe im just splitting, idek. im just kind of sad about. but not as sad as i should be, i guess. i dont know. ive written about it for like 5 straight pages in my journal already, but its still weighing me down. maybe this will help?

in any case, i switched to a5 journaling, abd i really like the bigger size. i have more room to write and i can use so many stickers its not even funny. i hve $100 in gift cards to spend on jetpens, and i think im gonna place a relatively decoration-filled order. i am looking for a pen case that will fit all my needs, but i unfortunately am UNABLE to find one and it's been bothering me. i really wanted the lihit lab actact compact pen case, but it wont even fit my kuretake markers that i use very often in my 'spreads'(theyre really ugly, idk if u can even call them spreads). i also have so many washi tape and stickers in my cart. i also have a green ink, that i will probably switch out, but thats later me problem

luterally nothing on the jetpens website is calling to me, and i really dont want to buy somethijng im not 100% happy with. my old journaling pouch is jsut too big and bulky for my current purposes, and i hate the lack of organization. i want some pouches to fit my smaller items, and i want a couple pen loops to fit some fountain pens so i dont have to work about their safety in a pouch type compartment bumping around with other items

i also unboxed my hobonichi and all the accessories i got with it today ! its very cool and im really excited to use it

im glad i sized down my planner and sized up my journal. itll give me structure and creativity, but in the perfect amounts for me

ok. i want to keep watching jerma play the long drive. gonna crochet, too. bye guys

i'm so happy its winter break!! i feel so rested already :)

ive basically been crocheting NONSTOP! already finished 5 hats and a scarf in the past two days. literally spent over 21 hours crocheting this weekend um. its ok ! its for charity so im doing good for the world. i unraveled the blanket i startted out with because i never used it and tehre was soooo much yarn just BEGGING to be reused so ive just been using all of that up !

the yarn store near me is closing very soon, so i need to go back and grab some last minute stuff to stock up. theyve been having crazy sales, and ive already bought sooo much stuff, but at the rate im going it will NOT be enough!!!

ive also been journaling a ton the past couple of days ! with breaks i have a lot of time to think, and its really nice because then i get to jot it all down in my journal as soon as i think abt it. i also bought myself some new LEUCHTTURM NOTEBOOKS YAHOOOOOO and theyre in SUCH GORGEOUS COLORS and im very excited to use them ! one is in this gorgeousss lavender and the other is in a lighter shade of magenta and tehyre SO PRETTY !!

tje omly reason i havent bought them before is they only come in a5 sizes, and ive been too nervous to try out the big size (im used to smaller than a6 for my journals). but after being consistent for like 6 months, i think its time to try a5! hopefully all goes well, because these colors are just TOO. CUTE !!!

anyways, thats most of the new stuff i think :) overall im very excited to crochet soo much this break yahoo ! byebye !!

ok I LIED there is a lot more i remembered after i stood up from my desk LOL ! ive been really into candles ! one of my friends bought me a CANDLE for my birthday (lavender vanilla) and its SOOOOOOOOOO YUMMMYYY i love seeing it out of the corner of my air it amkes me so happy to see :)

ive also gotten back into prpject sekai ??? and i FORGOT HOW EXCITINGLY FUN RHYTHM GAMES ARE ??? bro its so fun i love rhythm games yes yes yes ues ues ueusuuusus Ues Yesss !!! YES

ok NOW i think thats it. maybe :) byebye for reals LOL

this weekend honestly sucked. i didnt do any homework after that saturday morning. i crocheted a lot, though. i finished 3 hats, and i donated all my finished projects this morning. 3 hats and 4 scarves :)

feeling very despondent and uninhabited, honestly. my period should start today, but i dont think it has yet. hopefully it doesnt throw me off too much

i relapsed after being 23 days clean, though. i don't have anything to say about it, but i definitely feel like i've failed. i wish the trend-line view worked for me, but all i see is failure

i am very excited for the break. i need the weather to get cooler again, and i am excited to be able to stay home and rest. i would like to work on some more scarves. maybe i will try another stitch :) alpine stitch used up too much yarn, i think, but maybe i'll do it again. it was really fun

i am also excited to set up my hobonichi . i haven't yet decided exactly how i want to go about it. i'm not sure which pens i would like to use in it. i might continue to use my hi tec c coleto multi-pen, but i don't really feel like buying refills. maybe i will though, i did really enjoy the ease of it, and especially the portability. i hope i go somewhere over the break

even a road trip would be really nice. i would like to update this website a lot, though. i have so many things i want to work on.

i finsihed watching ldshadowlady's empires series over the weekend. i really liked it, and im watching some more of her series' rn (currently like halfway through with afterlife haha!)

i also want to go back to watching oxhorn fallout lore videos bc lowkey those were sooo interesting and wrre really good background noise while crocheting. if any1 reading has any good podcast suggestions also PLEASE let me know bc lowkey i dotn like any podcasts i know of currently... um

ok. im gonna get back to class. ugh im so tired..

i am sooo tired i can like FEEL all my bones when i move. bleh. i ahve not been sleeping well lately :( stopped taking melatonin bc i knew i was getting too used to it, but now i can never fall asleep within 2 hours of getting in bed!

i have sooo much to study for :( at least i have a 2 week school break coming up. i have work in like 30 minutes, been studying @ this starbucks for like 2 hours now . Haha! got a lot done, but im still very unprepared for everyhting upcoming this week.

i also had a VERY bad math tets yestetday BOOOO i hate that math teacher soo much omg. he's so arrogant and annoying and he straight up doesnt TEACH US like BOY that is your job smh. whatever, maybe ill rant abt him here later.

i purchased a chestnut praline latte that is SOOOO good but now its cold which is kinda annoying :( anyways, i think im gonna go to work rn. not much new news honestly, i just wanted to write smth LOL ! byeeee

work was fineee just tiring. and then i got ANOTHER starbucks bevvy bc im a fiend and they gave me a venti instead of a grande by accident! but same price so yayyaya i got more yummy drink :)

finished the hat i was working on! it was armuy green. sytarting anoter, and its VERY VIBRANT GREEN!

ok bye. gonna rest more bc im gonna be a busy bee tomorrow

took my sat yesterday, and it actually went GORRIBLY. i dont ever want to see those scores. just gotta wait for the march test :( it was soo disappointes because all the OFFICIAL practice tests had been so much easier. i felt scammed. i also saw some girls in the grade above me there, and it lowkey freaked me tge FRINK out. whatveer. we live and we ball (i cried for 30 minutes and spent the entire day distracting myself). luckily, i avoided a relapse ! i pushed myself to stay clean, and im very proud of it. current streak is 17 days !!

my face wash came in the mail and im SO HAPPY ABOUT IT! it makes me feel so clean and pure and ive been quickly running out of the samples i've been using for the past like 4 months. now i have a real sized version, and im very happy about it :) ily shiseido clarifying cleansing foam MUAH

idk if i talked about this on here yet, but spotify wrapped this year lowkey sucked. making me reallyyy tempted to stop using spotify and switch to just having all my music downloaded on an external device or smth. i'll keep thinking about it. ANYWAYS i didnt like not seeing my genres, i didnt like how short it felt, and all of my top artists and songs fekt really really wrong. but whatever. Data!

yesterdsy i was reminded of ldshadowlady by a friend, and i decided to watch her while i crochet and OMGGGG I HAD A BLASTTT I MISSED HER SOOO MUCH ! i used to watch her all the dang time and omg ldshadowlady ily still shes SO FUNNY BAHAHA

im absolutely in love with the colder weather. hate that it only started feeling like fall in december tho...

really stressed about school for the next couple of weeks. i have a lot to do, and im not feeling motivted AT ALL...

ok. see u guys later. time to have breakfast and do math homework and stufy for math test and revise english outline and do computer scidnce reading and And and and

also i just have to announce. yesterday weveildoing made a new song and it was ummmmm. Not . my favorite.... BUT THE PROJECT PAGE WAS UPDATED WITH A CHARACTER QUIZ. and i got my #1 #Me SPLITTER GIRL i was assigned her and Yeah. Correct! anyways. jsut had to share that bc it made me feel Real LOL anyways . gonna go crochet some mroe MUAH

sometimes i wonder if all the stuff i do will ever be worth it. because it feels like no matter how much i try, or how hard i work, or how driven and motivated i am, it never ever matters in the end. i still feel just as undone and unraveled and unfulfilled as before, and i still feel shitty and unsuccessful

and no matter how responsible i am either ! everyone else is so greedy and awful. and my dumbass spoiled rotten bratty bitch sister, who hasn't done a SINGLE DAY OF WORK IN HER LIFE, who has AWFUL grades, who lets her other stupid dumbass friends drink alcohol in her room, who has zero mental awareness or anything, doesnt have any repercussions. she still gets all the unimportant, EXPENSIVE shit she wants (especially clothes she'll wear once and never use ever again), and never EVER gets punished for everything. its so annoying. i get just so angry thinking about it because she is so incredibly STUPID and it won't matter. we'll end up at the same place, probably, even though she's never tried to do anything ever

and the worst part is it never changes! for the past four or five years ive been surprised at how undeveloped she seems mentally, and im always like 'oh im probably just incorrectly remembering how i was at her age,' but im really not. i was so much more mature than she was at her age, and i don't get anything for it. i am so so so angry that i had to do everything 5 years early, how i had to learn to cook and clean and do everything you should learn when youre in high school when i was like 11, and here she is, aged 14, barely knowing how to make her own breakfast.

and my mom;s attitude is still the same thing. any brief slip-up from me is insane, even though my sister is actually so insanely stupid and needs SO MUCH MORE PUSHING THAN I DO. i got a 1510 on my sat for one of my practice tests, and she was so incredibly disappointed. i actually almost relapsed that night because of HER. becaus3e of HER reaction.

ugh this is a stupid ass blog post. none of this matters, and itll continue being the same until my sister is stuck living with my mom until her 40s and has to end up finding someone else to mooch off of. im just so angry, and so sad. im more sad, honestly. im so mournful for my younger self, seeing her so incredibly carefree makes me so incredibly jealous. i just wish things were different .

anyways, i got super sick last monday and tuesday, so thats why updates have been Lowkey very slow. school starst tomorrow, EW! ive started driving more, and its getting easier. im gonna get ready for bed, maybe ill play some botw or crochet or splatoon. or smth. btw flingza roller main FOREVER! if any Mutuals play splatoon and wanna play sometime LMKKKKK (i suck at the game tho so be prepared LOL) . ok byebye gamers, im gonna try and rest before tomorrow

this month has passed so quickly :( my birthday was monday. it really did Not feel like a birthday. i got a new phone from the fam, and i LOVEE the pink color. i added more jerma to it :)

i took another practice sat today, and my score dropped by 30 points. Bruh.... almlost cried i was SO upset :( i also feel sooo stupid now. whatever. ill get better :(

lowkey feeling really gross. its been superrrr sunny lately, and i really wish it would rain today. i am enjoying the cold weather. its very nice :) i love being able to wear sweaters and sweatpants and UGHGH my fave time of the year !!

its actually a problem how often i relapse after wednesday workdays. Ummm... like i think in the past few months theres only been a few times i Havent cut after work on wednesday. and this week was no different BAHAHAH ! its not funny. but it kinda is. i wonder what the other people who work there would do if they knew. they never will bc im Soooo excellent at hiding things and i never wear short sleeves Ever but like. theoretically, i wonder

ANYWAYS !!! panini got me SUCHHHH EPIC GIFTS OMGGG !! they gave me sooo many cute stickers (which i ADORE !), some super cute purple fluffy yarn, a FIFTY DOLLAR JETPEMS GIFTCARD OMGGGG, some super cool magazines that are 100% collage-worthy, a SUPER COOL HANDMADE HANDSCULPTED CLAY KEYCHAIN OF JERMA !!!!!!!!!!!!!!, and a crochet granny square pattern book !!! theyre SUCH AGOOD GIFT GIVER and im IN LOVE WITH ALL OF IT !!!!!!!

i really REALLY thought i was getting better at talking to new people, but i Highkey have just gotten infinitely more anxious. im not sure if ive talked abt it on here before, but i loterally Stopped going to an after school club i was in bc One of the girls scared me SO BAD and then everyone else scared me so i just. Stopped going. BUT THEN I WAS ADDED INTO A GROUPCHAT FOR THE CLUB... AND NOW IDK WHAT TO DO. Sooo ummmmm im lowkey ignoring that. wink wink. super scared tho bc i honestly probbaly made such a bad impression and I FEEL LIKE THEY HATE ME but i also know that they probably dotn and that im just an overreacting freak :( whatever.....

ive gotten back into crocheting ! currently working on a hat for my cousin's son, and i also learned the alpine stitch ! and i started a scarf with thta a few days ago

also been suchhhh a jerma fan lately. been watching sooo many of his streams. Hehe ! He's so funny.... baha... ha...

i want to play splatoon soon ! i miss it, but i really havent been using my switch lately. maybe ill play some tonight :) i probably still suck but its FINEEE !

ok i think thats all the updates for recent new things ! cant wait to write my next post in a month LOLOL bye yalll

you gutys im feeling so sick....

started playing some splatoon and botw . super fun ! i also got a poke bowl for diner ;)

my birthday is in 4 days... yikes

not excited for that !! anyways. ive been so overwhelmed lately. its been mostly good, becayse ive been so focused on school and work and studying that ive forgotten my misery! but i relapsed yesterdat after 13 days clean. so.. ..,

also just generally feeling incompetent and sad and upset and :( just BAD. its probably (99.99%) my period, but ugh.... i HATE THIS BRUHHHH HATE IT HATE ITTT

also my grades are honestly slippibg and its SO UPSETTING because ive been working SO HARD this semester. i also have not been working on this site a lot, which makes me sad. buti have been getting quite a few emails so thanks yall!

been trying to update my crochet page bc i actually HATE IT but its not going well.

also unfortunately not eating well lately, which also might be a cause of my feeling bad, which in turn causes me to not eat. vicious cycle moment. ouroboros moment.

ive been super into portishead lately. like.. more than normal. i think its because its getting colder out. portishead is such a fall band... omg...

also been feeling very grimes lately

ok. i dont hae much else to say. just wanted to give a brief update bc i havent posted here in TWO WEEKS. bye guys. MUAH 😘😘😘

i am soo upset i havent been blogging as much lately. ive done basically 15 posts in 2 months, which is soo much less than i used to. im chronicling a lot of my life physically in my journals (just started my 4th one a couple days ago !) but i miss seeing all my digital writing. i want to go back and add better dates to all my past blogs tho, like years and stuff. looking back on some of my pages im realizing the timeline might seem very weird for people just stumbling upon my siet LOL !

i have a macbeth test tomorrow, and i want to absolutely never have to take it. i hate reading shakespeare, and plays in general, and i just do not care at all. i liked it when lady macbeth said "will these hands never be clean," tho LOL ! that went pretty hard ngl. actually i care abt her. lady macbeth is soo fire i love her

every time i go to work i feel like they HATE ME more and moreee omg... main guy @ work seemed very passive aggressive for the last week and i DONT KNOW IF IM MAKING IT UP (bpd moment) OR IF ITS REAL. AND I WANT TO SCREAM AND CRY AND NEVER GO BACK TO WORK AGAIN

ive been having soo many dreams about work actually, and it makes me wake up crying because i dont want to !!! i wnat a break !! i dont want to have to go to work. ugh. i love money, though. i also have been having such a difficult time sleeping. but thats not all that new, i guess :(

ap psych is getting hard because i GENUINELY DONT KNOW WHERE IM SUPPOSED TO FIND THIS INFO ??? i should just get na actual textbook, maybe. but i dont want to... maybe ill look for a pdf textbook soon . Lol !

watched kubo and the two strings with Bestie yesterday, almost cried. i lovee laika stopmotion movies. coraline is also soo good. and laika is such a godo name (for someone who cries about laika the dog once year). ugh i love them so much. i should wathc some more laika movies

i love emo music bro. 001 playlist keeping me alive. I LOVE YOU AD0RKEN I LOVE YOUUUU. in the heart is one of my all time faves.

i hope i feel more productive this week. i did NOTHING last week (well, as little as i had to) and it suckeddd ngl. getting used to my contacts tho. i have to finish watching macbeth today..... sigh

i finished a scarf on friday and its actually very cute ! i will donate next time the crochet club has a meeting, even though all the club leaders actually scare the life out of me

omg unrelated but there's this one girl in the grade above me who SCARES ME TO DEATH and i see her EVERYTHING and she keeps GLARING AT ME and SIDE-EYEING ME and one day she LOOKED ME UP AND DOWN IN A VERY CONDESCENDING MANNER and she scares me so much and i cant deal with her omg helppp help me helpp HELP

ummm what else. i dont know. ive been feeling veryyy weird lately. not very good, btu also not awful-awful (btw mention of self harm in the next couple lines. skip reading the part in asterisks if u dont like that)

*for some reason the cuts i made on my thighs like a WEEK ago are not fading all that well !! and they normal fade/heal after a few days, but its been quite a bit longer than that and i dont know whats happenin But its stopping me from cutting more so yayyy ??*

ive been SUCH A JERMA FAN LATELY i actually love him. i need to add more to my jerma page omg i think he's SO FUNNY. ok i hvae to finish studying macbeth now byebyee

i actually cant deal with macbeth i HATE IT i DO NOT CARE. ugh. i didnt finish the play i was trying to watch... i got SO BORED of it. whatever..

started another scarf today ! i really like the yarn im using, its SOOO SOFT ! i love crocheting u guys im soo happy i decided to get back into it

i do not want to go to school tomorrow. im gonna cry. i dont wanna take a STUPID ENGLISH TEST and i dotn want to go to the class with the girl who thinks its ok to make CUTTING JOKES with people she DOES NOT KNOW WELL. ughghgghhhggghhh. goodnight u guys

i WISH i didnt get so painfully enthusiastic about stuff !!

me and my friends are planning a little Birthday Bash for me and a friend whose birthday is 12 days before mine ! and im VERY VERY VERY EXCITED and its out of control ! this happens very often, and i get soo pushy and like. over-excited about it nad i get annoying to people because i press too much and Gahhhh it just SUCKS !!

like. ughghgh i wish i could just look forward to things NORMALLy! i guess it doesnt help that im planning most of it and kinda need to know who's going but no one will answer ! but i guess i dont really need to know for another week (i will be stressed about it until i finalized all the details )

anyways. i felt sooo shitty yesterday. i relapsed after a week (!!) and that kinda sucked. but today was better ! a lot better . i love my friends so much ❤️❤️❤️❤️

my birthday is in exactly one month ! which is a little crazy. i am so very tired tonight, though. im getting back into crocheting though, which makes me very happy. i missed it a lot, and its very calming!

i have a lot of work to do. i finished the first unit of AP psych tho ! so im pretty happy about that. ill make a quizlet for it tomorrow, probably. i have to go to work, which means ill probably study for a couple hours in the mornign BEFORE work. it works really well for me :)

ummm Ya ! thats all recently. ive just been so so soo tired. school kicked my butt this week. im getting closer to a girl who joined our little friend group a month or so ago, and shes really funny ! im getting her into jerma :)

ok. im probably gonna get ready for bed and try to crochet. night night !

disclaimer ! i will be talking about cutting and sh in this entry. not too heavy or explicit, but if that stuff's not for you skip this one !

ill be 4 days clean tonight, but i feel really bad about it. i feel really lame and stupid and bad for stopping honestly. the same happened the last time i went this hard, but gosh i forgot how bad it felt. i want to cut again, not even because i feel bad, but because of instinct at this point. im going to keep pushing through, but gosh its hard

i saw a website on here with some graphics of a girl with cuts on her thighs and arms. i first thought "wow, i look like that too!" but then i looked down and realized that theyd healed almost completely. and i felt so much shame and regret and i wanted to reopen all the wounds id made :( luckily i dont feel insanely tempted, but goodness. the imposter syndrome sh edition goes hard :(

and ive heard a lot of people talk about it online before, but i cant remember feeling it this hard before. it wasnt even really that realistic of a drawing, just a girl sitting with some vague cuts and marks on her thighs and arm. but now i just feel so invalid. like maybe i never even did this in the first place .

i wish i had emotional permanence. i genuinely dont remember feelings after theyve left. everything is so fleeting. i wish i could remember feelings, i wish i could remember anything honestly. even things from a few months ago seem to already be dreams.

but honestly, im doing pretty well ! my jetpens order came in the mail, i had a successful yom kippur fast, and im keeping clean pretty well ! ive been playing lots of videogames, especially my 2ds, and ive been feeling pretty normal. which is all very good !

i also got my trimester grades back, and theyre really good, so im very proud of that. i just really dont feel that much right now. which makes me so upset (or does it?)

the whole point of my current mood block was that i would get better at identifying emotions and how i feel. but it hasnt really helped much. i feel like im just as bad at recognizing my feelings as i was when i started it (probably 8 months ago at this point)

anyways. life's been good, i just suck at recognizing it rn :( see yall later and hope everyone's doing well !!

i keep having hugeee breaks in between my long blog posts. Idk why. maybe my diary is actually coming in handy ! which is really good. i dont have to keep writing depressing stuff only in here Lol

unfortunately ive been doing pretty poorly lately... um. idk why, but ive reverted back to probably the worst state ive been in in a LONG while. i looked in the mirror yesterday and i realized i hadnt been this bad since like june. so.. 4 months worth of progress has gone DOWN the drain !!

hopefully i can distract myself this weekend. new genshin update out tonight, i downloaded cooking mama and happy home designer on my switch, and i wanna meet up w my friends :)

xilonen is coming out in the update tonight, and i hope shes fun to play ! because she's ALSO a skater girl !! and IM a skater girl !! sooo that would be kinda cool lol !

im having SO much fun w my 3ds !! actually having the time of my LIFE i have so many fun games ! so far i have style sacvvy fashion forward, sims 3, happy home designer, and cooking mama. i need a new sd card tho... almost taking up all my storage haha... cant download any other ones, and i want to eventually get style savvy trendsetter i tgink ! i also really want to make a page for my 3ds.. maybe ill do taht this weekend

i unlocked the lolita fashion brand in style savvy the other day and i have spent SO MUCH MONEY THERE. (in game obvi LOL) . i also unlocked the gothic store and OMG ITS SOOOO MUCH FUN I LOVE THIS GAME !!!

im hoping i can bounce back soon, because its actually SO embarassing to have to try and hide all the little cuts all over my arms and legs :( and i have work tomorrow. which s kinda stressful !!

i will probably place my jetpens order this week ! so stay tuned for that :)

ok byebye for now !! gonna play some more silly games LOL !

hey gang ! been a while since i actually updated my site, which kinda sucks. i dont have that much to say honestly, bc ive been journaling a lot. and ive been SUPER busy w school and stuff. i have sooo much hw and studying to do its actually hurting me. i take psychic damage everytime i open microsoft to-do

anways, doing a lot better than last week ! which im very happyb abt. met up w the friend that i ummmmm i was being like Highkey MEAN to (girl idek why. happy its fixed Yahoo!) and it was good so yaya !!

im in love w the coffee machine my mummy bought, its actually my favorite thing in the world. i love coffee.... we also have decaf grounds so i can DRINK COFFEE. AFTER SCHOOL. WITHOUT SACRIFICNG MY SLEEP. WAHOOOOO

i put jam plugs on my skates a couple weeks ago, and im getting pretty good at them !! still falling a lot, but im def less dependent on the toe stop, which is super great ! my knees still have some gnarly bruises tho LOL !

luckily this week im not going to school on thursday bc of rosh hashanah, and im not working wednesday. yahoo ! i love being jewish u guys. #JewGirl..

and the jewish student union at my school has a meeting tomorrow, so thats exciting ! i actually have no clue where the meeting is but ummm we'll figure it out ! :)

i bought a lot of SUPER cute stickers from daiso yesterday, which id been meaning to do for a while. happy i finally got around to it ! spent like 30 dollars on stickers and washi tape tho ermm... its ok i hvaent bought anything in a while LOL !

we also FINALLYYY GOT GAS back a couple days ago !! warm showers r the best u guys omg... and i can COOK TOO. i love it.

hmmmm what else... idk ! getting close to ordering my hobonichi stuff, but idk if jetpens will restock them sooner than ill get 28 days. not consecutive which sucks, but its still good i thiNK !!

ok. i want to SKATEEE byw gang !

just jailbroke my 3ds yahoo !!

cant wait to download a shitton of games :)

irls arent allowed to read (:

u guys i relapsed after 12 days clean i actuallyw ant to cry. not actually. hoestly i dont feel bad about it, but i know ill feel so upset soon. thats the part that sucks the most

really annoyed lately. every little thing bothers me. Considering ghosting And/or blocking And/or just ignoring. booo

i have so much to do

i am very jealous. i am a very awful person. i hope this passes. everything is paralyzing, and ive been laying in bed pretending im not here anymore for far too long

food tastes gross, i look ugly, hair always a mess. we havent had hot water in almost a week, havent had the stove working. i am so unreal right now.

i dont like the people i used to. i dont feel like me. nothing is right, but idk what wrong is. i need a change of pace again

but after this week it just gets busier. i feel so bad

i generally feel awful. might update later idk. i dont actually have a lot to say. i jst need to get this off my chest

Im so tired !!! its been better recently, but last week was SO HARD. school was hard, work was stressful, hobbies were not fun, life was greyer, mind was blank, head empty, too much to do, plate full. it was soooo stressful, but most of the stress is gone now.

I GOT MUALANI;S WEAPON YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS I GOT IT !!!! IT TOOK ME SOOO LOGN GRINDING OUT THE GAME AND EXPLORING THE MAP BUT YYA ZAZAAAAA ima ctually SO HAOPY she has like 200% CRIT DMG she;s SO TANKY. i love mualani she's so cuteeee omg :)

now i have 3 5 star catalysts !! time for me to quit playing for 3 months just to come back to try to get another cutesie girl LOl

been listening to a lott of snow strippers lately . my music page is all complete now too ! just filling in soem more artists and songs and albums, but thatll probably take a LONG TIME to backlog all my favorite music, so keep checking in if thats what you're into !

i have my hobonichi 2025 plans basically all finalized ! and im going to ask for the cover for my birthday (i think!) ! ive decided on the 2023 liberty fabrics betsy (neon purple), and online its basically the same price as this year's, which is pretty neat ! it also looks a lottt cuter. and purple is my all time favorite color ! so glad i decided to look back at the older covers, bc the ones this year were kinda bad...

still stuck on which pilot pen to get ! ruminating on the pilot prera in royal blue, but idk... i might just end up getting a metropolitan... sighhh i wish their color options were better !!! i wish i could buy a sailor pen....

i hope this week goes well, bc ive been SO EXHAUSTED for the past couple of weeks.

realized my family is having people over in like 3 weeks and im STILL upset about it. like 7 "family friends" (3 of them ive met and their son is ANNOYING AF and ive never ever met the other 4) ughghgh its ok i have 3 weeks to mentally prep. Wish me luck u guys.

ok im really tired. i think i will go to bed soon, im not excited for school. sighhhh..... if only i DIDNT HAVE GRADES... then school would be so fun !

toodlesss !

anyone who knows me in real life should not read this post

and warning for self harm, cutting, and overall upsets

feeling the worst ive felt in a long time. i fele like the harder i try to stay clean, the harder i fail and the worse i get

havent actually thought about killing myself in a long time, but last night was so rough. considering committing more than i ever have.

i cant believe ive been like this for 5 years. i dont know what im supposed to do, honestly. i dont think i will ever get better. should i even try anymore? i feel like i should just let my moods take control honestly

nothing is good enough motivation, and honestly all i want to do is inflict unto myself what i inflict onto others. i feel so disgusting and gross and evil. maybe i will just finish my homework and take more melatonin and sleep through the day.

anyways. i dont know why im like this. i havent been careful or thoughtful at all about where im cutting, and im afraid its so obvious. now im going to have to spend another week spouting stupid excuses and bad lies. i hope im believable. i wish people were ignorant. but at this point, does it even really matter if people care? or know? i dont think anyone will really do anything. not worse thanwhat im doing to myself, anyway

feeling disgustinggg... cant wait to go to sleep and wake up in the mornkng. i hate sundays

havent eaten nything yet. I made myself some coffee. but it tastes horrible. but i am feeling too tired to not drink it

feeling a lot better. crazy what eating a meal can do ! i hope school tomorrow goes alright r

i am so tired and so sad and so unwell

i dont know why keeping clean is literally harder than keeping a duolingo streak. i am so nervous for tomorrow, i have pe and i cant wear long sleeves or pants. i hope and pray i will somehow be all healed in the morning.

i need to force myself to be clean so i can order my planner. i have decided i have to be 2 weeks clean to place a $60 order, and every additional week is $20. i need to keep my head above water and i need to keep clean so i can be normal. i am so nervous for work as well

people my age dont really pay attention to that; i also dont think anyone cares. im unfortunately believing that adults probably care more, but idk. maybe ill just wear a sweater and try to cover my knees if anyone is nearby. i dont need nayone to tell me anything abt how im loved or whatever.

trying to figure out how i could ever be clean because i seriously dont know how that would be possible. hoping i will form a habit of NOT cutting.

Maybe i should stop trying to redesign my blinkie at work... ir eally dont want anyone there finding this site....... erm.....

i am so tired. this weekend has been so not restful. i am hungry. maybe i will eat. and then study. and play a game. and look at jetpens. and journal. and go to bed. i need to distract myself

maybe i should just throw out my blades

feeling a little bit better, i had dinner. i hope school tomorrow will be alright; i hope my quiz goes well. i think tomorrow will be a defining factor in how good this week goes

because then ill go to crew in the afternoon, and wednesday ill have work, and i wont have a free moment until friday probably. so i should be able to stay clean for at leats 4 days, which might be enough to push me to keep going

in the meantime i will just have to continue looking on jetpens for things to motivate me. ill continue watching hobonichi setups, and planner girlies, and jetpens videos. ill continue distracting

i am so tired. i hope i feel awake tomorrow morning

so many times ive wondered if i should ask people in my life for help, but it always sounds so awkward and kind of stupid. idk. i feel like if online resources help me there's not much adults irl can

but maybe its worth a shot. maybe ill try this week, ill try to ask someone. clearly i need some help. clearly something's wrong. i hope i can one day leave this all behind

i was listening to a song on youtube the other day, and the comments were full of people celebrating milestones. years being sober, self harm free, despression free. i hope one day i can say im a year clean from cutting. i hope i will be able to forget this when im older. i hope i heal

Happy september !

emptied and cleaned my kaweco last night and filled up my lamy with sailor manyo nadeshiko ! and its actually GORGEOUS and its AMAZING and im SO HAPPY i bought it !!!

ive basically settled on buying an a6 hobonichi for myself. i can continue tracking my time and activities, but im hoping to utilize the whole planner to track habits and things i need to do. just to occupy myself a little more, and to make myself feel better. and to encourage good habits and discourage bad ones. so thats pretty exciting !!

putting together a wish list of things to buy to make the planner easier to use. currently have the hobonichi a6 itself, some index tabs to make it easier for me to flip through, and the midori md clear a6 cover. but idk if that cover is what i really want or would use

because it is the cheapest option, but i want to keep all my planning stuff in one place (and the midori cover has no pockets or anything, its just a plastic cover [i think]). but the hobonichi covers are just SO expensive !!! and im honestly not a huge huge fan of any of them...

idk, i have literally like three months LOL ! im very very worried that my next jetpens order will be SO expensive tho ! bc the planner alone is 40 dollars, and everything else combined would also be expensive... ughghgh why cant i just have unlimited money.... why cant i be paid to enjoy my life ?!?!?? maybe i should work more than 3 x a week. Ugh. i want money I WANT A RAISE

So far today is going better than yesterday! hoping it stays that way. might end up watching some more planner vidoes Slash jerma and just keep farming for mualani.

but i have to study tomorrow !!!! ughghh... kinda not happy about school ngl. Ok. i will go now. byebyeeee !

feeling soo awful... so cooped up and sad. ugh. relapsed and cant stop rn. been in my room all day, havent eaten enough or drank enough or done enough. just feeling sooo gross

hoping i can get some time to cook my favee pasta later so i can feel better and distract myself but idk. my dad is home rn and he has been staying up LATE doing NOTHING and just sitting in the kitchn. and i dont like being in the kitchen when other people are in the kitchen :(

seriously wish i had work today because i Needdd to get out of the house but i dont really want to do anything in particular. at least i was a little productive, i did some hw and studying. just feel so awful and i dont know why

ive been farming for mualani and its soo fun ! natlan has actually been fun to explore, and its very exciting !! im getting pretty nervy that i wont get her weapon tho, and its stressing me out !! i have it guaranteed, i just need to get a 5 star. and my luck is SHIT so im hoping and praying ill be able to get enough primos by like 2 weeks to reahc poity and get it. but idk

i dont even know why i feel so gross today !! its probably because i havent actually done anything... ughghghhhh... i hope i feel better asapppp

thinking about getting a hobonichi a6 planner. bc they have such cute covers ! but idek if i Need the cover, so i ight just end up gettig a ummm midori md clear cover for it. just trying not to get too obsessed about anything bc jetpens makes it seem like all the hobonichi stuff will sell out by the end of today, and i dont want to order anything until like.. at leasttt late september. sooo

tryibg to distract myself so i dont cut anymore toda but :( not going too great. Arggg why are long weekends always so depressing !?

I GOT MUALANI !!!!! I GOT HERRR Lost the weapon banner to freedom sworn tho... Smh

wanting to get a hobonichi techo for 2025 ! maybe i will get one of the cuter weeks ones. idk, or maybe ill get a daily :)

School;s kinda bad again. Feeling gross n shitty Ewwww ew ew ewww

Ok no irlz from here on out. Bye byeeee

was thinking about How i could cut myself secretly while also getting the satisfaction after chemistry. but i SERIOUSLY dunno how, often than going completely down my arm (Not so screet! not furtive...) and UGH im so annoyed. anyways... ended up relapsing :( kinda sucks

esp because today wasnt even that bad !!! Just wanted that dopamibe hit... shcool was like fine, and work was also fine. im just like. Ugh. im already overwhelmed and tired and afraid and im being Different but idk if its in a good way or a bad way, i cant tell. i miss my friends i havent been seeing as often. i wish my friends were feeling amazing. i wish they were healthy

Maybe i shoyld just start wearing long sleeves to school all the time like i used to, so no one would tell when i went crazy. school is cold enough as is. ill try it tomorrow

anyways. wondierng if i should ask this one guy at work about computer science and Java. i have so many questions for all these people !! they seem so Knowledgable and Experienced. Wish i were Normalcore

i will probably go early next saturday to do some studying at the cafe next door, just so i feel a little less overwhelmed by school. And i can get a sweet treat !

i am hoping i dont go back to cutting Incredibly regularly. even though i relapse every few days, its better than cutting 3 times a day. ugh i wish i was normal u guys

its ok tho ! tomorrow is another day, and i will try my hardest to stay clean. maybe i need to get the I Am Sober app LOLOL.

mualani releases in TWO. DAYS !!!!!!!!!!!!!! IM ACTYALLY SQUEALING IM SOOO EXCITED.. kinda embarassing but im SO EXCITEDDDDDDD IM SO HYPED

genshin impact gets SUCH a bad rap online and like... Yes. There are a LOT of weird aspects And Racism And AWFUL fans And just WILD things but the charcater designs can be SO GOOD. JUST SOOOO EXCELLENT !!!!!!1 when kokomi released two years ago i fell in LOVE and the same thing is true w mualani. Me when ocean themed girls. Maybe its just the fish theme actually. Unsurprising...

ughghghgh im just SO HYPED. i actually cannot wait !! i have liek 45 wishes saved up ! which is not a lot (i had over 100 for kokomi.. Erm) but its a lot for only saving for a month or so !! i cannot wait for her omg. pulling for her ASAP after school on thursday. i will finish up ALL my homework. and i will pull for her and go CRAZY on genshin . Heart emoji

and its PERFECT timing bc its labor day weekend !!! so i have ALL THE WAY from friday after school to monday to lazeee arounf and play this awful stupid game. i love pretty characters omgggg

i actually just CANT WAIT !! i should seriously do spiral abyss And the thetare rn to get some more primos... but im kinda not in the mood. mayeb tho. Ok anywaysss im gonna go play some genshin. Feel free to mock me. Its stupid. but its also stupidly fun. I love videogames :)

ok toodlesss !

just finished up the layout for this new blog page !! i liek it so far but ill probz be changing lots of things in it soon. designing it was A STRUGGLE though ! glad i got it to a place im happy w before the week :)

weevildoing came out w chemical girl yesterday and. Omg i hate her. I hate her design and her song and its all SO BAD . the song itself is so BAD and the lyrics also SUCK and i feel sooo bad but omg its just. Its just NOT MY FAVE ANYMORE . sob emoji. weevildoing ily but chemicl girl was NOT my fave. splitter girl still my fave . shes great

got a new journal today ! about to end my 2nd one YAYAAA so i got a green one w like a mint strap ?? AND ITS SOOO CUYTE IM EXCITED TO DECORATEE it !! i have some adorableee stickers and i cant wait to use them :)

i also FINALLYYYY bought myself some uni ball one p's ! theyre like. the perfect size for my hands honestly !! and the ceramic body feels SO NICE TO HOLD and i just loveee uni ball black ink its soo vibrant. i bought them for a few dollars overpriced but ive been wanting them for FOREVER and i got the 'ok' from my mum so yay !! will probably use them in my school planner

speaking offff, its actually not that bad this year so far !! im having a lot of super fun laughs w friends and talking to a LOT more people than last yr ! feeling a lot more like a person than an extra in a tv show which is SO AMAZING !!! been having some super fun conversations !

and all my teachers seem SOOO nice except my english teacher Um. I dont think she and i will get along very well LOLOLOL she seems to be very 'follow the rules by the book' and i dont do that... SO.... um ...

anyways ! going to probably start getting ready for tomorrow and doing some last minute things before bed. see ya ! hopw yall like the new layout !!

working on my THIRD blog now !! have yet to link it, and it is still very very VERYYYY in progress, but im hoping it comes along pretty well !! i will probably update this post later, but for now its just to grasp what the layout will look like.

breaks for testing max height.