I think i need to do another blog rehaul ASAP. this doesnt reflect who i am currently. maybe i will go to a starbies tomorrow and code myself a new blog page... I will use my Starbies Cal Calculator tonight LOL !!!

Life has been lowkey boring, havent been up to much toher than walking.

yesterday my fam went to a fancy steakhouse for my grandma's bday and i was soooo so so so so SO scared all week bc 1) it was EXPENSIEV 2) no cal counts anywhere. So guess who ended up being able to IGNROE both of those things ! i had a great time, ate soo much food (even ate gluten which im allergic to LOL) and everythign was SO FUN!! i had the leftovers for lunch today, will probz end up being my omad lol. im kind of incredibly pissed that im like. fine? with eating so much rn, but i think i will go back to my normal restriction pretty soon.

something i didnt notice until i started doing this was just how AWFUL my sweet tooth is !! i was looking back at all my meals and Brooo almost all of them are sweet.. my dinners have usually been protein ice cream, breakfasts are some kind of yogurt parfait or pancake. only lunch is usually savory, and ven then i usually skip it or dont enjoy it LOL! but yeah, most of my cals are from sweets.

literally ended up eating TRHEE SLICES OF CAKE yesterday but omfg they were SOOOOO GOODDDDDD one was a carrot cake, one was a red velvet cake, and the other was a simple sweet almond cake. omg they were all DELICIOUS i loved the almond cake soo muchhhh I may have to find a good low cal copycat one online. bro it was so good i had some more today (dounting it as leftovers too) and Wowee,,,,...,. In love. also had a macaron that was DIVINE we have one left and itll probz be my little pre-walk snack. Just in case. i think im gonna log like 1k cals for that lunch today omg it was sooo good... and i dont even wanna THINK about how many cals i had yeserday omg. not only did i eat soo much food i had so much alcohol too LOL my mom and my aunt both gave me half of their margaritas and then i had some champagne that was passed around the table. So i dont eve want to think abt the alcohol cals. Haha. ha... ha...... Oh god

the more i think abt it the more anxious i get so img onna Switch topics !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

i have been getting more and more into sf sweeteners and like. actually cookng my own food. i made a REALLY YUMMY cauliflower soup like a week ago, i have been making Delicious egg white pancakes, i made spicy zucchini chips the other day, and ive been making such yummy coffees !! i really want to get sugar free/fat free/low cal reddi whip, but my mom is AGAINST IT which is PISSING ME OFF.... she bought costco brand whipped cream which is 25 CALS per 2 tbsp instead of 15. Im not touching that No thank u. Nooo thank you!!!!!!!!!! inhavent been counting the reddi whip lately, but i probably should. ive been highkey soo loosey goosey w myself these past few days, but im thinking thats just bc of my period. highkey the timing for that was PERFECT im so glad i got to eat so much during the time of the month when i Probably would have had to anyways Hahaha. but ya

anyways, i bought sf smores syrup today that i wasnt expectin to be good but itv was DELICIOUSSSS OMG im gonna try it in my pancakes next time i make them bc WOW !!!!!!!!!!!!!! so yummy

i want to buy some oat fiber so i can make even lower cal baked goods, but i dont wanna ask to buy it online and i havent seen it in stores... Boooo

was at a grocery store earlier today looking at cals for protein bars, protein shakes, n protein coffees when an employee JUMPSCARED ME by asking if everything was ok and i Know she meant it in a usual customer service way but JESUS i nearly had a heart attack I thought she knew what i am. It scared me half to death icl. ended up buying some stuff that i lowkey dont know if ill get the courage to eat :(

i WISHHH i was a protein bar girly but i highkey cant let myself eat 250 cals in a little bar. like it freaks me out idk why a protein bar has to be THAT MUCH. i wanna try and omad a protein bar one day, just to see if i can do it. but there are sooo many yummy protein bar flavors i wanna try them all!!! i wish i dint have celiac so i could try fiber one bars, bc they are low cal and seem SO GOOD (also they have fiber. And i need to shit)

our treadmill is STILL BROKEN and i have been wanting a walking pad but theyre expensive and we already have a treadmill. Im so pissed it broke it actually makes me want to rip my hair out. Boooo !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

anyways. thats the gist of whats been happening lately. i get my wisdom teeth out this week and im freaking the freak out. need to buy some sf jello and prep some low cal ice cream. MMmm......

Hi this post is gonna have mentions of Restrictive Eating again. I guess this is my life now 😝😝😝😝😝

i havebeen . SO TIRED. alsi my days have been sooo boring. i wake up at like 6 am to go for a walk (bc i now need 15k steps before i can eat 3 meals a day(it used to be 10k(will it keep getting worse?))) and come back and sit on the couch in a daze bc my body feels like its FAILINg like my legs will hurt so much lately theres been like a pulsing in my knee (?!) and my stomach will feel like its flipping utself inside out And my head will feel like its in the cloudsss (but usualy i can get 7k steps here! so thats nice)... and after that ill have to clean my room (at least make my bed, theres clothes and shit everywhere and everyday i feel like im cleaning it SUCKS) and then Only after rhat have i earned my brekky

and i have a few SUPER YUMMYYY breakfast foods actually ! current fave is oikos triple zero vanilla (90cal) + half tbsp of chia seeds (35cal) + half cup of frozen blueberries (35cal) it tastes like ICE CREAM and it keeps me ... relaatively full....... i also sometimes have 2 boiled eggs for 150 cal and some cucumber, but ive been craving sweets lately. one day i also had rice cakes (2 for 35cal each) + 2 wedges of laughing cow (2 for 25 cal each) + smoked salmon (like 100 cal of this) and it was SOOOOO GOOOODDDDDDD but it was 220 cals and that scares me a lot Icl.

anwyays after my morning stuff i try and get more steps (bc i need at least 15k to eat 3 meals. Rember?) so ill pace my room Or the living room if no one else is home. ive been trying to do some muscle work bc i dont wnat to lose muscle mass and Ed Onlien is SCARING ME, so ive been doing hip bridges and Leg ups and Arm ups and like. other things idk the name. but i cant do as many as i want because i get sooo tired and out of breath BRUH IT SUCKS. i dont want 2 get weaker..... so i try

and then on days i have work starting @ 3 i try to eat a meal at like 1-2 so i dont feel like im gonna DIE (Did this last thursday it fucking sucked when i was doing my cleaning stuff i felt like i was gonna pass out. AND I HAD TO GO ON A WALK RIGHT AFTER TO HIT 15K.) ans then i go to work. if i get 15k steps befroe work i can eat somethijng afterwards, if i dont i cant

so after work if i get to 15k ill have a meal or smth. i try to keep it light bc ive been weighing myself AFTER my evening walk, and i dont wanna get too much food weight Iykyk. one time i had such a salty meal and gained 2 pounds from the day before and i wanted to kill myself and i did like 26k steps the next day. bruh it suckedd.... anyways after that ive really only been having small stuff b4 my evening walk. we just recently got a ninja creami so ive just been treating myself to a little cup before my walk. the 2 ive made so far have only been 60 cals per cup, but a blueberry one that im freezing rn will be 80 per cup and im Lowkey terrified. I hope i eat it... maybe ill split it into 5 portions so its still 60 or smth idk...

and then i go for my evening walk which is usually only 5k steps unless i havent hit my goal by the time its done, in which case i lengthen it. i try to do most of my walking in the morning bc its cooler and im Usually less tired, but soemtimes it doesnt happen. and that Sucksss

and then after my walk i have to shower and go to bed so i can get enough sleep to waje up at 6 am. to walk again. My whole life has been walking + waiting to eat + working + walking + waiting to eat + walking and it is sooo exhausting... but i think its working so I cant complain (:

anyays, lowkey not much else has been happenogn lately. i was suposed to go into the operating room on wednesday to observe, but the surgery center had a water leak and FLOODED so they had to cancel surgery for that day. luckily we could reschedule, but it sucked.

Guy at work bought ppl starbies 4 his bday and asked if i wanted a latte yetserday and i was like Sure why nto! until i looked it up and found out ut was 190 CALS BRUH WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND............. So i was stressin about ti all fucking day and night omg i didnt know how tf i was gonn refuse after i lready Kidn of said yes omg it scared me half to death i genuinely coudl not function. And then luckily he got me a nitro cold brew (5 cals. but i ignore that ahaha) and om git was a BLESSING i almost cried of relief omfg i dont hthink anyone will ever undertsanding. Bruh is it gonna be like this forever...

And i lowkey wanted 2 do 2 pumps sf vanilla syrup but then i thought it would be too obvious... If asked Why a nitro cold brew i could always say i like black coffee but its kinda hard to explain sugar free shit w/o . like. u know...........

Guys i lowkey love ed reddit. r/shittyfoodrestriction is actually MY FAVORITE THING some of that shit is nasty afff but omg... someone made a tortilla + smoked salmon + cucumber + tomato pizza gthing and OMGGGGGGGGG IT LOOKED SO DAMN GOODDDDD should have bene on the Good site omg... it genuinely looked heavenly.. i would make it if tortilla wawsnt 80 cals and smoked salmon wasnt like 100..... i miss my salty spicy food...

luckily ive been able to find some alternatives !! made some frozen peas yesterday and added paprika + salt + red pepper flakes and they were sooooOOOOOOOOOO good omg genuinely delicious. and only 70 cals fpr 70 grams. Life hack. also my afve spicy seaweed is only 30 cals per pack its SO YUM TOO ! and then imitation crab is 90 cals for 85 grams! and if u chop a whole cucumber (40 cals) and add some soy sayce + sriracha (probably 20 but i havent been counting sauces . probz should start) uts gneuienly SUCH A GOOD MEAL u feel full from the cucumber and u get protein from the krab and u get flavor from spicy sayce... AND ITS SPICY SO U HAVE TO DRINK WATER AN THAT ALSO FILLS U UP. Omg . i got this idea from shittyfoodres reddit LOL didnt know imitation krabcould be so good..

i bought some heart of palm to try, its 50 cals for the whole can, but idk when ill make it. i hope it tastes good, 50 cals a can is SOOO GOOD....

Long ahh entry sortry guys. im supposed to go get some mor eyogurt for my brekky tomorrow but im so tired and i need to get my steps in (im less than 10k rn bc of work BOOOO). Guys prayaing i can eat my strawana protein ice cream (60 cals😍😍😍😍)

Heart of palm tasted NASTY. SO FRICKING GROSS OMG... but my dinner was sooo good i mixed some chicken with salsa omg... YUMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. and then i had bell peppers with cottage cheese sriracha dip :)

also made a blueberry protein ice cream w my ninja creami it turned out AMAZINGGGGGG i let my mom and sister share most of it so i didnt feel tempted to have too much (the whole thing was like 380 cals) but i think i still had 120 cals of it... but my daily total is still 420 so i dont care Too much. but i did prep an ABOMINABLY high cal apple cinnamon ice cream that is LOW PROTEIN its literally just apples + cinnamon + almond milk i think its like 400 cals bc i used like 4 apples im NOT counting cinnamon. but my dad comes back tomorrow so hopefully he eats a lot of it LOLLLLL ! ill probz prep smth else tomorrow as well but idk what rn. i wanted mint but im not in the mood rn so... i wanted to try banana + blueberry + peanut butter but pb is SO HIGH CAL and my mom hasnt gotten the pb2 low cal peanut protein powder and bananas are ALSO high cal. So im just scared, icl. maybe ill try to make a raspberry lemon sorbet.... that sounds DELISH

also just realized we still have 1 box of konjac noodles from my dad's health kick so i may try those tomorrow. theyre 6 cals a noodle package so im hoping and praying they taste good. i wanted to like heart of palm SOOO BADDD bc heart of palm pasta is so low cal, but i guess konjac is even lower cal. hm

wanst able to go on an outside walk today so i just paced around the house reading thea stilton books on my libby app. 22k steps rn, i might try abd pace my room to get 3k more. im so full from my blueberry ice cream...

heads up ! this post talks a lot about restrictive eating. dont read if thats not good for you !!! Stay safe besties (:

I'm so tiredddd im so TIRED ALL THE TIME i avent had like any energy all week. it SUCKS i havent had eneergy to do anything i want (literally not even gaming or the sims) but its lowk my fault sooooo We live n we ball

Guys restricting is SO FUN LOWKEY like WDYM i can make a FABULOUS DINNER thats only 265 CALS BROOOO THATS SO GOOD. Its so good. Its so fun to make new low cal meals. one of my favoriytes from this week was 229 cal yogurt granola it was SOOOO GOODDD but we dont have any more raspberries and thats my fave berry w it (low cal and yummy And good w yogurt). may go and buy some more tomorrow...

i also need to buy a zero cal creamer bc i actually NEEDDD to enjoy my morning coffee. i miss it. i miss being a drinks girly!! i bought a strabwery banana protein shake and ive been wanting to try it SOOOOO BADDDD but its 170 cals and i havent had enough room for that in my cal budget and its SO SAD it sounds so yummy.... maybe one of my early mornings or smth idk. but boiled eggs are so cal conscious it makes so much more sense to have 2 boiled eggs and top them w a shitload of salt and redpepper for 150 cals. Like 2 eggs for 150 or smoothie for 170? mayeb ill try the smoothie another day this week idk. its been so rough esp w work AND shadowing!!! and ESPECIALLYYYY because work is like. 3-7. Like i have to make sure i feel fine for work and for a little before and after and it lowkey RUINS MY MEAL PLANS. i really like having my small brekky in the morning/noonish (like around 10-11) because then it fills me up until like 5:30 or so which is when i usually like to have my dinner bc it times perfectly w my walk! but then when i workkk i have to either move my brekky to like 1:30, or eat 2 meals b4 work and just deal w the hunger later (or go over cals which i never wanna do lowkey).... so idk..... IDKKKKK it kind of sucks i cant lie

anyways i found a FABULOUS cracker its 120 cals for 40 crackers which evens out to 3 cals per cracker IT FEELS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE i had 5 w black coffee and it ws SUCH A GOOD LUNCHHHH IT WAS SO GOOD. im so happy i bought them. also who was gonna tell me rice cake + laughing cal low cal cheese wedge is only 60 cal ????? genuine cheat code ????????!??? esp with a fuckton of red peppr flakes. i love redpepper flakes..... loml....

so if anyone has any 0 cal creamer recs lmk bc i NEED NEED NEED a way to enjoy my coffee in the morning without feeling like im wasting 30 cals. who even decided that creamer had to have cals its NOT FAIRRR ITS NOT FAIRR ITS SUCH A GOOD APPETITE SUPPRESANT BRUHHHH... Like wdym half n half is 30 cals AND ITS NOT EVEN THAT GOOD.......... Im so peeved about it omg. i miss my drinks. my usual at starbies is like 250 cals which is CRAZY BRUH i was drinking that every saturday... and soemtimes more..... wow....... thats crazy. no wonder im a fat fuck rn LOL

also bro gum is my BESTIE RN i just bought some of the icebreakers gum cubes and OMG. SO FREAKING DELISH. I NEEDED THIS IN MY LIFE HOLYYYY SHITTTTTTT THEYRE SO DAMN TASTY. i love gum. Gum they could never make me hate u

also ive been drinking so much water... its so good omg i love water. i love water so much. yummy AF

also ive started playing the sims !!! its REALLY FUN i really really wanan buy the life n death pack but FORTY BUCKS !?!??!? WTF im so peeved about it. maybe ill get it when i reach a weight goal or smth idk. i love the sims its so freaking fun. my current sim s miserable bc i want her to have fifty billion children and she doesnt have a spouse so she's dealing withbit all herself. Anyways. haha... ha....... kind of sad ngl

OK im gonna go for a walk... need m last 5k steps . KISSESSSS

I'm utterly consumed by the idea of looking cool rn i cant get over it. i need to go clothes shopping ASAP i need to be Emo/Goth/Scene/Punk/Alt slash WHATEVER IDEK WHAT THEY R i need to dress like that bro i cant take this anymore. next time im home alone in the morning i am going to try on my moms freaking eyeliner i CANT DO THIS I WANNA BE EMO SO BAD i cant i canft i cant. where do u even buy cool clothes tho

Unfortunately there are a few factors that are inhibiting me and . Idk. they are putting me off the idea ...

1 : Me .I am not a skinny lanky bitch im a Relatively shorter (5 foot 5) chubby girl . AND IDK HOW TO MAKE COOL STUFF LOOK COOL ON ME GUYS I CANT DO IT I CANT DO IT. i have like. 2 cool outfits: big ass jeans + band shirt, and Teeny ass skirt + t shirt. AND THEY BOTH LOOK ODD AND STRANGEEEEE.... they both look better when i wear tall shoes but the on ly tall shoes i have r my cowboy boots that lk=ook Weird in nrimal clotges. and i already broke them in so i have n reason to wear them out rn GRAHHH . also i have weird LIGHT BROWN CURLY HAIR that I dont wanna dye Or straighten Or cut lowkey. and i just need to figure out how to style it. btu i also dont want to like. idk. guys why cant i just wake up looking like a scene queen. Rawr xD

2 : Peer Pressure. guys i think my mom would KILL ME if she ever saw me in an emo fit or ANYTHING OF THE SORT so. like. actually she wouldnt actualy kill me but she would make me feel like the ugliest bitch alive and i would change bc i dont wanna be ugly. so i guess the same. plus, idk what my lovely friends would say !! I actully think theyd be lowk Happy 4 me but im also scared like . im def not gonna look the cutest and I DONT WANT THEM 2 HAVE 2 ASSOCIATE W AN UGLY BITCHHH But i guess they already do so idk. idk idk IDFK

3 : Money and Accessibility . bruh where do u even buy cute clothes !!!!!!! and everywhere online is so DAMN EXPENSIVE !!!!!! and also NOTHING FITS WELL (see point 1) !!!!! idk why but i HATE how skirts look if theyre not teensy weensy and i hate how shirts look if theyre not perfect OMG I CANT FUCKING DO IT. Also i get really unconfident wearing actual cute stuff outside if its not 100% cutie bc i get scared people are gonna know i dont do it often but also who cares ???/? Idk

i think i just need to Start Small. i will start wearing hair accessories. maybe i will work my way up. at the pediatrician they talked about introducing a new food every like 2-3 days. So maybe i will introduce 1 more accessory every 2 days. Guys does this plan rock. do we rock

Omg i also need to get into belts n shit. maybe i will go to malls like 40 min away from my huse schol area so if people see im trying on shit theyre nt people i know but i also hate going to malls bc i dont like seeing kids my age they SCARE ME RBUH..... They scare me. i wonder if theyre scared f me too. Maybe illgo in the mornings or smth

I will keep scavenging. i will LEt u guys know about my journeys

summers are always rough, and this year's has been no different. the heat has been milder, yet the sun has also taken into hiding. it's painful, and makes summer so not worth it! it's still hot and humid, yet now GLOOMY and HUMID. bruhhhhhh wtffff WTFFFF

also, my mood swings have run RAMPANT everyday i wake up and, usually, spend an hour in bed reading (currently reading the book thief) and trying to wake up, shower, shuffle around all morning, wondering if i will make the next day, wondering if i'll relapse again after work, wondering how i managed the week before. and then i go to work and SUFFER AT THE HANDS OF ENDLESS BOREDOM and come home and realize Life isnt really that bad

time has been rarely spent alone lately. either in coffee shops with friends giggling and laughing, playing videogames together, calling, texting, EVERYTHNG has been together. or at least out of the house. ive been making grand efforts to Get Out Of The HOUSE!!!

I only cut myself at home. So like. If im not hme...... You see !????? oen time i got home from a day out and my mom greeted me in her arms and told me not to cut myself. I agreed (i think i scratched my arm up that evening LOLLLL) but she still looked so sad. but how can you stop???? Guys actually i think one time last week i was skating and while i made the rounds and rounds around the living room i found myself Scratching my arm RAW and there was no purpose, no MOTIVATION !! i didnt count it as a relapse bc like. Idk that seemed lame. so now im 8 days clean (:

anyways, ive been trying to distract myself again. i need to feel drugged again!!! that was heaven, nothing was real. and life passed slowly all the time. now it seems only the hard days pass slowly

been listening to a SHIT TON of proxoxie. ily proxoxie. ty. Thank youuuu i mde a bracelet for her

tomorrow i get to go shadow @ a pediatrician! im excited. I ahve to be there @ 7:15 am . GRAHHHHH

guys i wanna be emo i wanna be emo SOOOO BADDD . Also i want to get into Makeup. but i also dont. like at all. but i wana be emo i wanna b Lanky and freakishly lanky JUST ABSOLUTELY STRANGE LOOKING i wanna have the black eyeshadow and nail polish.... omg.... but i cant rn Emos arent fat bitches BRUHHHHHHHHHHH im Cry. its ok i Love thid life. Hahahaa...... Heh

NOTHIGN HAS BEEN FUN LATELY i think it may be ending again i can Kind of fele it fading like it did before i think this week will be bad last week and this weekend were like Ok i thiknk they have paved the way for a HELLFUL WEEK i am scared ifk what i will do I shoiuld get into superstitions mroe they woild make me more comfortble

i painted my nails a super cute rapsberry color! super fun. i love gel couture essie. i went to the rink toda but i want to skate more, i will change my wheels now probably maybe. i will have to go to bed early I want to play idv w my friend . Is this what life is about?

Went and crocheted outside for the first time in forever i am AMAZING . i need to be more creatuve. i ned to STIP CONSUMING STOP CONSUMING MEDIA AND POSTS JUST LIBBY + MUSIC + CREATIVITY. nothignelse is worth it. i will delete pinterest from my phone. its one of the last main Social Media sites i have. next i will try and get rid of spotify + youtube music. but thats for another day

A few days ago at work i showed my websote (AWFUL idea. retrospectively HORRIBLE IDEA idfk WHY i did that . I have been thinming about it recently. ... erm ...,.,.,.,. How 2 dleete converstaions ) and this guy asked me if it was another social media site And i had to sit there and say Yeah i guess so while pondering if i should delete my site in search of true serenity and lack of peer pressure And contact but NO i dont want to do it I cant lose it all.... Guys i think i would cry. maybe i just get rid of the profile aspect Idek. idk idk idk Ive been ruminating im gonna go skate nw Byeee

Hitting rock bottom once a week again (: I loev it here !!!!!

been feeling so HATED absolutely DESPISED lately, and idek why. genuinely so paranoid of everyone on the street i wore jeans and a t-shirt to go get groceries early today and i had to spend like 10 min telling myself it looked NORMAL and then i still felt eyes on me at the store.... bruhhhhhhh i just wanna be LIKED !

feeling so zamn ugly too bruh... def havent been eating well lately but oh well. im gonan have a caprese salad and a 1-bread sandwich fro lunch so i can hopefully get some vitamins and veggies and nutrients or...smth... IDK im hoping its just a vitamin imbalance problem hahahhahahha

only scheduled for work for ONE DAY this week instead of 2 and We got a message talking about how not that many parents scheduled And that we should expect more shifts later but OMG I FEEL LIK IM GONNA DIE THEY ALL KNOW THEY ALL HATE ME IM GONNA GO BERSERK AND KILL EM ALL WORLD IS A FUCK 1989

anyways one of my bestiesssss for the RESTIEEEE made a site!!!! tinacolada.neocities.org and its SOOOO STINKING CUTE I LOVE IT SO MUCH!! im so ZAMN PROUD OF HER OMGGGG I LOVE U TINAAAAA

Still hating myself tho. literally so scared to leave my house i Cant ever wear cute clothes I cant ever feel Good i have been SO FREAKING BAD AT DRIVING LATELY ITS SO SO SO SO SCARY I HATE IT SO MUCH . but i also HATE BEING AT HOME it is the worst I FEEL LIKE A PRISONER there is an AIR of TENSION i feel like there is MOLD GROWING IN MY ROOM Nothig isokay save me. Jelp..

The one silver lining. is another of my fabulous friends introduced me to IdentityV. AND ITS SO FUN. IM HAVIGN A BLAST. ALL MY JOY LARELY HAS BEEN FROM IDV I LOVE THE ADRENALINE RUSH im so very bad at the game but its FUN i LOVE duos i LOVE copycat i LOVE the normal mode ITS SOO FUNNNNNNNNNNNN.

i want to crochet with jerma. i miss him

its over its over its over everything is over im going to get fired next time i go into work what the fuck is wrong with me. what is wrong with me. help. its so over

i feel like for the past 2 weeks ive just been drugged. and day by day its been wearing off, and its all gone. what the fuck is wrong with me. i think its genuinely all over i dont know what to do. i hate myself i hate everything right now. i cant do literally anything right i dont know why they all lie to my face. i want to cut so bad. i think i forgot how. i cant do it. i need to be hurt in other wqays. i hate it all. i want to cut myself. i need the courage, the strength. i dont know where to cut. i dont want to do it anywhere, obvious, but where isnt obvious? all ive been wearing are miniskirts like the whore i am, and i only wear tanktops at home because im a lazy bitch. what do i do.

and i think ive successfully fooled everyone in my life to thinking im all better and now this happens. whar do i do. i cant tell anyone im getting worse again. i cant do anything. i dont know what to do. it feels so over.

i dont want to do anything at all. i dont want to exist. i am wasting my days again, i would like to go somewhere. i want to disappear again. i hte it i hate it i hate it. i wish someobe had the answers. i wish i could communicate, i wish i could see, i wish i could hear. i wish i was drugged again. please

i'm so pissed off rn, and i dont even really know why. i feel like ive done everything ive wanted to do, and im so so so upset with myself in general

nothing happened, and idk why im feeling so shitty. i HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE who i become in online spaces. i wish i could like. erase my socio-digital footprint bexause omg i become the most insufferable, annoying, stupid-seeming slut when talking to people online. I HATE IT SO MUCH. i think i just need to distance myself again Lowkey which is annoying but i guess it makes sense. omg i hate it. i hate it so much. i wish i could like. kill that part of me. feeling like lain's online internet ego who's like crazy and insane. like lain of the wired. like fish of the internet ig. bro its so annoying i hate it so damn much. been thinking too much about how im percieved lately (ew, i know) and omg i just KNOW everyone thinks im a dumbass attention-seeking whore or something. omg. i hate it i hate it i hate it i could rip my skin off just thinking about it. Maybe i will but i have like 44 days clean and i think if i lose it i will go back to cutting 3x a day. whichb would waste a lot of time, and probabky ruin my summer all over again. idk.

i think im just feeling crazier than i have been lately bc i dont have anythign to distract myself. i dont want to watch anything, i dont want to go anywhere, i dont want to do anything, i dont want to buy anything. i dont even know what i WANT to do, there's literally nothing i can think of that will brign me out of this slump. i need to get back into crochetijng, but i dont have anythign to watch, i havent found any good music lately, my house is constricting, i feel like im stuck in some prison of my own making in paradise. i have everything i could ever want right now, but im not fucking happy i hateit all. i hate it so much

i think i need to collage or do something (ANYTHING) creative to spill my guts out on paper but i cant freaking get the energy to pull out all my stuff and then clean it all up. so ive just been coding and trying to spill my guts that way. unfortunately laptops aren't very good at cleaning up the blood; they just spread it everywhere, and add other gore to the mess. i will still have to clean it up myself

maybei= i should get back into writing. I JUST GOT A SHIFT REMINDER FROM WORK IM ENDING IT ALL. bro. igs over. its so over

maybe ill go somewhere after work to code or something. i dont want to be home !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! free me out this bin. save me

if it gets worse/ . I dont know. i dont kwo i dont know . its so over guys. i think i may elapse today ITSV ALL OVCER ITS ALL OVE RITS ALL OVER . ave me

yesterday was PANINI'S BIRTHDAYYYYY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY BDAY PANINI !!!! so so so EXCITEDDD we're gonna be celebrating today itll be FAB ! i also think they Enjoyed my gift which was always a pleasure to see :) i LOVE giving people gifts and mkaing them joyful !!

life has been really good lately !! ive been keeping myself pretty busy and doing a lot of stuff with my friends and by myself ! been doing a shit ton of shopping and finally got myself some cowboy boots !!! i really really LOVE them they make me feel so cuntacious. i love love love wearing them w a short skirt OMG its such a good feeling. i need to get more mini skirts. i need to get a denim miniskirt ! but they all are cut so weird and make me look Strange.... just gotta keep looking I guess

anyways, ive been really living my best life lately !! im a little bit scared its gonna allllll go downhill soon, but im just going to. Ignore that possibili8ty LOLOLOL i LOVE the life im living rn !! i feel so free and happy and joyful ! ive been painting my nails (theyre RED rn :) ), growing my hair out (its still a little below my shoulders but its getting longer !! ), and getting out of the hosue as MUCH as i can !! ive been buying a lot of stuff ive wanted, trying to keep my room clean, and wearing SO MUCH JEWELRY!! ive acrually felt so so so confident lately, and its such a good feeling. for the past few years ive been so used to being shy and like. insecure i guess? and im so happy im finally FREE i finally feel like a person!!! i havent touched my crazy page on this site in FOREVER, and im 40 days clean !! i feel so good. i feel SO GOOD !!!

i lowkey need to cut down on my spending though because i think ive actually spent an OBSCENE amount of money in the last month. i bought so many clothes for my vacation, bought a lot of stuff WHILE traveling, and when i got home ive started to buy stuff for my room, more accessories, nail polish (which was lowk crazy expensive...), and gifts and activities and ive been doing so much !! im having a blast, but it is. Not wise to spend so much LOLLLL ! i think im going to try and get a cheap shelf soon from ikea to try and decorate my desk space a little bit, and maybe i can make a day out of making my room a little brighter and more decorated ! i love my room, but she is indeed a little..,,.,,..,,,., Plain... which is lowkey fine maybe i should just keep it like that instead of spending more money BAHA !!

i love ALL OF YOU and i really need to get back on my website grind ! i feel like i havent added anything in a longgg time, but honestly i wiuld rather go plaes and do things lately :( . ayways BYE BOOOOSSSS LOVE YOU ALL !!!

WHAT A VACATION!!!!!! just got back from CellulaLand (italy . btw. haha...) a few hours ago, and i am . So tired BAHHHAAH!! the flight back was realy long (both in ctual time [12 hours] and in how it felt) and i was really ready to get home

it was a really exciting vacation!! we stayed in venice, florence, and rome, along with a few shorter day trips from these main cities. i had a BLAST !!! we did so much and saw so much it was super cool. really glad i went !!

my favorite place was probabyyy florence, i Loveeddd loved loved LOVED teh abundance of Art Galleries but i HATED how few we got to see because Someonee (my mother) aparently just REFUSED ???? to do ANY PLANNING ?????? and i would bring it up and she;d get so mad and i was ????? so confusd ????? Anyways. we still got to see a lot but noticeably less than if someone would hace put actual thought and effort into deciding what to do each day... Ugh. anyways

i bought a LOT of things to !! a lot of cute jewelry, keychains and small knicks, a few shirts, a bag, a SUPER CUTIE UMBRELLA, and a few pther things. a super fun trip ! but im def happy to be back, i am so tired hahahhaab ! i also really REALYYYY want to skate so i will probably do that b4 bed ronight. excited to get back to updating thos site tho !!! i have a lot of things to add i feel like. maybe ill Share more about my vacay sometime later, i can barely see clearly rn ngl LOLOL the screen is lowk blurry..... ern,

i DID want to mention tho i got a lot of ink !!! i got a lot of blues and greens, and a red trhat looks like orange ! i also got TWO FOUNTAIN PENS ?!?!??!?? which is SO EXCITING @!!!!! One of them has a gold plated nib (it was expensive so i HOPE IT ACTUALLY WRITES WELL...) and im VERY EXCITED TO TRY OT OUT !!! the other is lik a blye marbled design and i likd it :) nothing too special but its still cute. amyways uyesss fountain pen adventures !!!!!!! ok now i get offline i cant see again BAHAAHHH bye my babes

apologize for the Scarcity of updates lately, i've been so journalcore !!! i love her so much. started using washi tape and stickers like DAILY lately and its been very exciting :)

FINISHED MY LAST TEST OF 24-25 SCHOOL YEAR TODAY!!!!! I'M ALL DONE !!!! def did Badly on it who at this point WHO GIVE A GAF BOY IM DONEEEEE !!! i'm so so so excited for summer !!! flying to ITALY on friday and i'm super pumped !!!!! i bought sooo many cutie clothes (a lot of blue and white dresses [my faves]) and i'm so so so excited !!!! i'm so excited to see so much art and eat so much good food and feel so relaxed and just be like. Happy!!! it'll be great. trying to decide if i want to bring my journal around with me to do little small catalogues while i'm waiting, but my mummy is really scared of pickpocketers so she might not let me... which makes sense but idk. i feel like i always always ALWAYS keepmy bags super duper close to me but maybe she's right. i think i'd rather not risk it, but i LOVE carrying around bags and purses with me. so we'll seeeeee we'll see! Lmk if anyone has any travel advice i am down to learn!!

and i've been on my clothes shoppign GRINDDD its actually kind of fun when i can just go wherever and pick whatever and i dont have to wait or anuthing !!! so that's been really nice :) i also got some jeans which is a really big achievement for me, the denim texture freaked me out for so long and i'm really glad im finally over it !!! trying to think if i should actually try and get my nails done but idk if thats too much for me. i'll ask my mummy later, maybe we'll go together thursday after school or smth !! you guys i feel SO GIRLCORE i'm so happy for myself. and all the dresses i got make me look SO GOOD and none of them fit weird arund my boobs omg i LOVE SHOPPPINGGGG I LOVE SHOPPING !!! need to try on some new bras today tho bc some of the things have different cuts that kind of expose my bras Soooo.... ya... erm..... haha.. anyways i also need to get some new shoes ! i want to get some cute platform sandals, i will look today after school. i need like. literally 3 more things i think ! i need a button-up jacket cover-up type beat (in case i get a little chilly or insecure LOL), another pair of cute shoes, and HOPEFULLY either a cute skirt or cute shirt. i got a few nice shirts from uniqlo (they were EXPENSIVE BRUH) but i really want a nice skirt ! i also got a cutie patootie LONG FLOWY SKIRT WHICH I AM SOOOOO HAPPY ABOUT Guys it makes me so joyful OMG I GET IT ALL NOW. I get it.

i'm a little unsure of what inks to fill my pens with though ! i'm thinking the really vibrant pilot blue for june in my hobonichi, but idk about what i should fill my journaling pen with. maybe sailor nadeshiko? i'll have to keep thinking about it.

anyways guys i'm SUPER DUPER EXCITED FOR SUMMER !!! i'll try and blog more during the summer, i miss how many posts i used to write like a year ago :( see yall later !!

death row romeo is such a good songgg i feel like ive heard this song before in another life. wowoowowow its so nostalgic and goes so hard... Wow

i have been working on a super super CUTIE crochet blanket its a light purple, a dark purple, and a white and its SO STINKING CUTE i love it so much. and the pattern is really fun as well, its most double crochets and its fun :) i like her a lottt i may go to joann this weekend to get some more yarn bc i may run out of white which is a little scary because joann is ALMOST GONE and it makes me want to cry. i will probably cry when joan is all gone :(

girl in my advisory has a Switchblade (dulled) for our school's production of romeo and juliet and Omg... i saw they were using them before but Omg. the urges dawg omg. may relapse tonight, lowk its been a while and i kind of miss it again. Omg. hate this bro !! i hate it here. wish i could cut without having like. any consequences lowky..

this weekend i drove myself to joanns and the roller rink and it was so fun !! im really happy i have my license now, i can just like. Go places. amd Do things !! its so fun. i like it a lot

ive been really tired and stressed out lately, so i don't know what i'm going to do this weekend. lowkey may just do go to a coffee shop and do some work after my sat (OMG HELP IM =RLY SCARED ABT IT) and maybe go to joann's again :) hopefully ill get a lot done, but im hinestly really scared !! Helppppp help help help so much is happening idk how im gonna DO ...

okay bye for now. i hate school. i have work today too, hopefully its okay

what was i even ON on sunday omfg that post was so depressinggggg. im better now 😝

got my LICENSEEE been driving to school and i lwoeky dont know hwo to park but its okay im just doing a lot of reversing. Haha !

been listening to a lot of food house even more lately. dude food house lyrics are so funnty. ily food house. performing in my city soon but ill be OUT OF TOWN and i lowkprobably wouldnt go anyways ermmmm....

i want to make a handbag for my keys and stuff! because i dont like using a wristlet it lowk makes me feel stupey AF. like i look so lame with this stupid little wristlet around my hands and it barely even fits my phone hgrahhhh i seem so annoying teen core LOL ! but the granny square i wnat to use didnt take too long, so i think ill just make a few this weekend and attach them later. i want to make a detachable handle too so i can switch it out and also just use it as a wallet if i want. its going to be a really cute light blue and im gonna try and add some sea creature charms and stuff! itll be fun :)

also highkey SUPER DUPER SCARED to drive to work today bc im scared the parking lot will be JAM PACKED and im scared of parking lots anyways And i dont wanna hit anyone And i dont want to be late soooooooo... we live and we ball ??

bestie found a new minecraft server that i havent been playing on AT ALL bc ive been so swamped w schoolwork and stuff :/. lowk sucks but its okay ill play over the weekend maybe.....

i honestly can't believe i'm driving myself rn !! it feels crazy to like. be alone in the car. so far so good though, knock on wood. i am a safe driver and i do my best! hopefully leaving school later today won;t be too bad, but we'll figure it out. Lowk dont have a choice LOLZZZZZ

9:28pm

driving to work was fine ! and i got some chipotle after :) yummyyy. i think im also getting better at parking!! we live and we ball :)

warning for mentions of self harm and no irls allowed haha. muah

i hate how i cant talk to people !!!! wtf is wrong with me !!!

my friend recommended me two sonhgs that are so so so perfect to cut to yesterday. i hopen they never found out

it;s been so long since my last psot. i got sick, got better, got sick again, got an ear infection, barely cut except for this week where ive cut and relapsed twice which is so great. i ended up gtting my new blades a couple weeks ago and oh my gosh theyre so amazing. i love sharps. theyre so sharp its so easy to bleed. and my blood's been raw and red. ive missed this feeling.

honestly i dont really like being clean. i feel like its too good. i domt ever deserve that for myself. i honestly dont. the other thing ive been up to is insanely proc=rastinating on every single importnt thing ive ever had to do ever. and its killing me. and i dont know if ill make it

i think a couple weeks ago or maybe more or something, a lady at work told me that she had been doing really bad mentally, and i aseked her about it on wednesday and she said it was barely better (so probably worse). i hope she gets better soon. i feel like she has the impression that inly therapy can help. i hope she gets out of that soon

i got a lot more games on my 2ds too. i have been wanting to decorate it soon

im suppose to get my license tomorrow. i hope i do. i cant wait to go anywhere. im probably not ready though, honestly. wish me luck

i feel so so so ugly. im afriad that may will be worse than february. i keep having a recurring thought where i get too angry and leave the house and drive away and end up wrapped around a pole, my body turned to mush, and my story in the videos they show to people getting their license so thye know to be careful.

i fly too high and i fall too hard. always.

R

i feel like my life is falling apart, and, this time, i think it really is. i can hear the cracks in the glass im standing on, but i'm too scared to look down. i wonder if those below can see the strain.

i've just been feeling like such a fucking failure. i didn;t do anything today. anything, like, at all. or, at least, nothing i was supposed to do. and now i just feel like a waste of space

i wanted to head to daiso for some snacks and drink and blades, but i ended up not. literally just sat and laid and slumped and cried. barely cried, too. i wanted to cut but i was just so so so so tired

feeling so incredibly overwhelmed by everything on my plate rn. can't i rest? i just want to rest. but its not possible, it feels

my jetpens order came in, and everything is pretty excellent. yayyy ! yayy .. im so tired

disappointed af at my dropping grades and my lack of self-control or motivation. but i just want to rest. i just want to be taken care of. that's what i really want

i just want to not have to handle everything for one day. i want to be told i don't have to do anything all day, that everything will be done for me (the right way and the way i like it), and i can just relax. i want to be told i have as much time as i need to recuperate. i want to be taken care of. i don't want to have to keep doing the caring. its too much. soemtimes it feels like im the only one in my house that tries to keep the balance.

and even when they try, they do it wrong. and the thought only counts so many times; after the twentieth time of doing the right thing wrong (picking up the wrong grocery, sending the wrong letter, doing anything with 'right' intentions incorrectly), i just dont care. id rather you not.

im so tired. i want to update this site, and add all my missing pages, and fix my existing ones, but im just... so tired. always tired, always a waste, always stupid. im so stupid. im so tired

can'tbelieve it's been almost a month since my last post... sorry to leave yall hanging ! definitely doing much better now, but some things are still getting to me... Ha...

my mom's double standards compared to me and my sister will continue to irk me. can't believe just how little she expects of my sister compared to how much she expects of me. and just how little my sister tries to improve herself. it will never not get on my nerves. and she wonders why i hate her.

also can't believe this is my 200th blog post !! crazy milestone, it's wild for me to think i've made 200 of these little entries. Wowza

still havent ordered my jetpens cart, and im STILL on the look out for a cute purple ink... everything is either too dark Or too bright Or too warm-toned Or too cool-toned. ot's SO ANNOYINGGGGG

i really want to make some tiramisu., i had some today and it was sooo yummy . want to make a huge tray and keep it in the fridge and eat a small piece every day at 2 pm with a nice latte and sudoku on my phone

speaking of my phone, i need to GET OFF OF IT !!!!! i need to start limiting my telly time, bc i think it's cutting into my sleep And daytime activities. Need 2 block youtube shorts on my phone SOMEHOW or maybe delete it altogether because its actually SO FRUSTRATING to watch myself become addictedx to short form content in real time in the exact way i feared... HATE THIS CYCLE !!! if anyone has any recs please let me know bc i actually can't deal with this anymore

highkey considered deleting all non-important apps on my phone (like any games or media stuff), but then i remembered that life is too short to do that. And i still need a way to act normal LOLZ ! idk man, i really want to get an adblocker on my phone too bc even sudoku is honestly hard to play with all the pop-ups. also youtube adblocker crackdown is getting on my NERVES i hate u google. maybe i should just... Not... use anymore media services LOL

its really disheartening to see how many subscriptions are Highly Recommended and lowkey necessary in this day and age. was considering passing up my spotify premium in favor of a dedicated music player, and, while i do think it would be nice, i also think it might be a waste. i dont know, i just feel like spotify is so much easier to use. but i hate having to play 12 freakung dollars a month for just the ability to play whatever music i want ad-free. before, i had wanted to keep it for wrapped so i could see how i was listening for a whole year, but like. who cares ??? after 2024 i know none of it matters, 2024 wrapped was so fucking stupid. Ugh. maybe ill look for some second hand music players to see if i like the experience before committing. but i feel like i would just end up using my phoen anyways. I DONT KNOWWW i just want a normal online experience without people trying to take my money away from me. why can;t people just not. if anyone reading this uses a dedicated audio player other than their phone PLEASE let me know, im lowkey desperate and i want to know if its helped you disconnect from online more. i hate feeling tethered to the internet honestly, and it's been weighing on me more than ever lately. or if anyone uses a dumb phone, lmk !! also was thinking of getting a flip phone a while ago, and the feeling is ... still there. maybe ill search online for a piece of electronic that can support music, communication, a browser, and sudoku. thats ALL I WANT AVAILABLE TO ME!!!! GET ME OUT OF THE INTERNET WHEN I LEAVE MY COMPUTER. I NEED ONE CONNECTION ONLY. DISCONNECT ME. but legit i need to quit this online addiction.

even pinterest has been throwing me for a loop lately. who cares about saving pins to boards ?? i never look at them anyways. ugh.

lowkey also doesznt help that ive been Noticing people seeing my site lately. does it make me happy to know people see my site and i see the numbers go up and i know that people get inspired ? absolutely ! but it doesnt help that i now feel like a Fraud with my mood updates and barely actual site deco done in AGES ! i have so much shit on my to-do list... ughghghghgh and i feel SO BAD that i dont respond to all the cbox messages but there's too many and so many are "Hi :)" which is cool but HELLO ! what else do i sayy..

not to say i dont appreicate anyone's messages thank you all SO MUCH for the interaction but i just. idk. feels like a lot even though its just some typing :(

ok. maybe ill go on a dumb phone hunt. bye gang, hope everyone's doing well !

quick warning that this entry will contain a LOT of negative self talk, so mentions of cutting and problems w food and body image. stay safe besties (:

been hating myself so vehemently lately. can't look into any mirrors/reflective surfaces/shadows without seeing my imperfections and shortcomings. genuinely hate the way i look right now, and it's been affecting me more than ever before. i've barely eaten 3 real meals in a few days, and i'm scared ive already gotten used to it. but i can't help but think maybe i'd miss this body, with what "good" features i have. but i don't know. its been reall hard to see ANY good in myself lately. physically, mentally, emotionally. there's nothing i can find in myself that's worth loving.

the good news is that because i havent been eating, i havent had enough energy to cut myself ! yay. my mom's been upsettingly forward with how she'll take away my blades if she sees anything else, but ill just get better at hiding them. i always do.

february has always been a hard month for me, but the beginning of this month was so peaceful, so enjoyable. and then it all fell apart, i guess. really stressing about my future, and me, and how im perceived. can't help but realize a lot of people definitely think im so incredibly ugly. and, theyd honestly be right. i cant see anything compliment-able about myself, and im honestly not even smart anymore. i have been wishing i were different in a lot of ways lately

my friend drew us together a while ago, and it almost made me cry the first time they showed me. but the more i looked at it, the more i realized i didnt look like me. my legs were so skinny, same as my torso and face. my skin was even, no scars anywhere; same with my face. my hair was perfectly set, perfectly cut. my eyebrows had no imperfections, my eyes weren't how they are now. my legs were longer. i didnt look even marginally like how i do in real life. and part of me knows thats just a side effect of more cartoonish styles. yet ive been unable to stop thinking about it. i wish i looked different.

i;m going to get some sleep. this is the latest ive stayed awake in a while. good night

I HATE SCHOOL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FREE ME OUT THIS BINNNNN

been playing roblox w my freidns a lo lately, and its SOOO FREAKING FUNNY i love it . my friends are so teehee funny giggle core. LOVE YALLLL

minecraft's been okkkkk, i've started building my house ! lowkey its REALLY UGLY and someone on my server who i Dont Really Care For insulted it HEAVILY which is like... finee.... but i took it hard bc OF COURSE I DID and then i felt super unmotivaterd to work on it... Soooooo

ive decided on a VERY pink-heavy color palette, which im happy about ! also made some SUPER CUTE fish fairy lights. currently trying to make the roof and 2nd floor, but its kinda difficult so idk.. Idk how to build and inspo pics dont really help me so idk. just Winging it !!

also had a NAME JUMPSCARE bc i forgor that my spotify account has my Irl name on it and added some songs to a group playlist on that server and someone SAID MY IRL NAME ON A DISCORD CSLL and it lowk freaked me out but its ok. we live and we ball

3 items in my jetpens cart are now out of stock :( booooooo i really REALLY wanna order it asap !! also really want to change the ink im currenty using, but my cartrideg isnt empty yet.

Back on minecraft. there's a girl on the server that i SOOOOO WANNA BEFRIEND bc she seems really funny and sweet, but Idk how 2 strike up convos and im SCARED. boy JELP

been wishing super duper hard i didnt have a crazy messed up brain bc literally ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING has been setting me off lately :(

yesterday i bought some new clothes !! 2 new tanktops that are ACTUALLY SUPPORTIVE and they have built in cups that ACTUALLY HOLD MY BOOBS. which im really happy abt bc not only are they supportive, but theyre actually comfy ! i also bought 2 SUPER SUPER SUPER SOFT sweatpants, and one is a super cute light blue ! then i bought 2 ribbed merino wool t-shirt tops that are SO CUTE and SO SOFT amd i really like them :) ily uniqlo, my new fave clothing brand :) :)

ive been needing to start my sat prep again, but ive just Not wanted to AT ALL. i probably have to start very soon, ill try and do a test on friday bc we have nos chool Yahoooo. and maybe ill do some practice questions tomorrow after school . idk ive been sooooo eepy sleepy lately, idk why. i hope work today is fine. i also had a CRAPPY BAD AWFUL time at work on saturday, and i so dont wanna go back. WHY CANT GROWN ASS ADULTS DO THEIR JOBS. why do I as a HIGH SCHOOLER have to pick up slack from these GROWN PEOPLE. boy. im so pissed about it ...

ok, i think thats all for now. im lowkey EXHAUSTED and i really really do Not want 2 go to work :( booooooooooooooooooooooo sometimes i wish i were neet

bye friends, hope everything is going well for yall !!

ps oops i forgor but NOTE TO SELF: use the lattice frames for minecraft house to stop vines spreading and to add cuter texturing

been getting really heavily back into stomach book lately . i;ve been thinking wayyyy too much about other people's perceptions of me, and my mom has been hammering in the idea that im sooo so so so so ugly based on my scars and just how i look in general and like. it honestly just makes me want to cut and scratch more :( ive never had people really care all too much about my scars and stuff but the things she says are just so degrading and i dont know if i should believe her or not :( idk

i dont really like meeting new people bc it freaks me out a lot and i get sooo so so so so self conscious about how im presenting myself and if im really conveying who i am or if im just showing the personality i want to be seen with. i think ive done a pretty ok job though, so thats good ..

ive been very tired, mentally and physcially lately though... erm.... ive been getting home and all i want to do is lay in bed and just not exist for a few hours . very hyper aware of the words im saying and how im portraying my life, and im trying to figure out if its right or wrong. gahhh i just want 2 have normal perceptions and normal people hours !!!!!!!

i really want 2 place my jetpens order asap, but the stickers i wanted the most are now OUT OF STOCK... BOOOOOOOO !! so now i have 2 wait for those tpo be restocked to place my order, which is like... Ugh annoying. i changed my planner ink to robert oster dusky pink and its SOOOO CUTE with the brown february accents in the hobonichi. ugh i love paper and pens and inks !!

ive been having such a good time journaling too !! ive been thinking a lot about growing up and who ive become and am still becoming, and its really cool to look back on the me from 2-4 years ago and realizing how much ive grown and developed. been meaning to journal about it for like 2 weeks now and javent got around to it, so ill try tonight. ive been really on top of stuff lately, and it makes me really happy !!!

thinking of going to uniqlo over the weekend to see if they have any of those built-in-bra tanktops because i would COP and WEAR ALL THE DAMN TIME if they did. soooo YAYA maybe ill ask my mommy to come w me or smth. because i feel like that would be a LIFECHANGER !! lately ive been wearing this tanktop with SUPER BAD built in cups that are sooo unsupportive i have 2 wear a bra underneath the tanktop, but that just makes me soo uncomfortabke and stiff. so that would be really nice if it existed and WORKED. sooo yaya ! been thinking about clothes a lot lately .

i really want to curate a really pretty, mature, ladylike wardrobe, but all of the clothing in the style i want seems to be VERY EXPENSIVE and im not sure if i want to spend that much money while im lowkey still growing and changing, physically and fashion-wise. so idk . but ive been pretty unhappy with the ultra-casualness of all my clothes so. idk ! we'll see if that emds up happening Ever...

ok im gonna leave this post here for now. bye yalll, much love ! hope everyone's doing good :)

this week has SUCKED so hard and i hate english class even more. i think the teacher hates me too now

had an awful exchange with her yesterday and i never want to see her again. almost made me cry i cannot ever deal with her again .. . .

and then had an AWFUL exxhange with the fam yesterday, and both bad situations led me to relapse and it was sooo bad it hurt sooo bad. i always forget how bad the scratching burns for the rest of the day (and the shower after), but my blades have gotten very dull and i havent had a chance to buy new ones.

just been feeling overall Blehhh for a while . idk i hope i feel better soon

found someone on the minecraft server the other day who has SUCH a similar music taste to me, which was really cool ! they also got me back into underscores which is fun, so ive been listening to a Lott of wallsocket lately. havent ever really listened to stupid (cant run from the urge), and thats been basically on loop for the past couple days which is cool ! also found out they listen 2 tu tu neurotic by the hellp which was a BLAST it was cool. that song is sooo good i will never get over how emotional it makes me

i have work in like 30 min but i lowkey dont want to goooo i feel so uncomfy and like. cold ? but i got a LOT of hw done this morning so ill be free all weekend :) i crochet myself a little cutesy bunny lip balm holder thursday evening, and its SOOO cute im very proud of myself :) i'm gonna make a bear version for toes, and i hope i can start up another scarf tomorrow or today bc ive missed crocheting !! also want to donate some more stuff b4 it gets too hot to, so ya !

hopefully work is ok, im soo tired. had a TERRIFYING ROACH EXPERUENCE KAST NIGHT TOO so i hd to sleep in a different place than my room bc when i was washing my face i looked up to see a roach STARING AT ME. FROM INCHES FROM MY FACE. AND UT SCARED ME SOOO MUCH i screamed so hard it was sooo scary i had 2 rush to get a sweater bc i was wearing a tanktop and couldnt go downstairs sleeves bare . but it was TERRRIFYING !!!! anyways. hopefully all is good by the time i get home but bejessus im still scared from that

reading a coming of age book for english and i have never understood why they always make such a big deal of having girls get excited to have their boobs grow bc ive NEVER DONE THAT BEFORE ???? i remember when mine kinda grew more fuller i got SO FREAKING SCARED and started being veryyy self conscious. so. happy for the girls in this book but Wowee i dont think ive ever had that happen to me ! that always happen with coming of age girl books and its like. idk. it makes me feel out of place because i can never tell if the descriptions of that are for like. enhancing the story and making readers feel at peace Or if thats asctully what other people go through. idk. but im so happy i go to an all girl school, i was thinking the other day about how glad i am that i dont go 2 school withboys. so , thats that ig

anyways. i want to update this site more bc last night i noticed IM ON NEOCITIES FRONT PAGE !???!!! WAHOO !!!!!!!!! top 8 too i was so shocked surprised ! thanks all you guys, im so happy people like my site enough to keep visiting !! whenever i get repeat messagers on my cbox, or emails to my site account, or anything from real people that see this website, my heart like EXPLODES vecause its soo sweet and yall are akways so kind :) excetpt for the occasional slur user in the cbox that i have to rush and get rid of :( if anyone knows a good way to STOP people from saying slurs in your chat boxes pls let me know :)

but overall, thank all of you guys for getting me to this poitn !! if u would have told me when i made my site that i would have been on neocity main oafe at some piint, i would hav NEVER beleived uou ! so im SO happy people like seeing my website, all the kind comments always make me very emotional :) love you all !!

ive been feeling ok.. Ish... idk ! currently 6 days clean (fingers crossed i Stay clean...) and im feeling pretty ok. me and panini have been playing a lot of minevcraft which is fun !!

we joined this one server that i lowkey HATED ! it was a very pay 2 win type of server, and i thought i could ignore it at first but it was just SO ANNOYING... so we found a new one and i like it a LOT BETTR !!

people online are sooo much nicer, a lot less.. Braggy ? idk everyone on the other server was so annoying and very like. snobby type ? idk how to explain it but i felt like. even just being online made me uncomfy... Which is not the case w the new server !! they have a LOT of super cool mods installed (took me like. a frustatingly long period of time to figure it out LOL) and its so cutesy ! they have chairs and fairy lights and cutesie flowers and animals and im SO excited to get into it :) i hope its nice ! the community is lowkey pretty small which is PERF for me (i really dont like huge servers LOL. theyre stressful...) and im so excited to play later tonight. i need to find a place to build my base and start mining . i ALSO MADE A SQUID BACKPACK and its SOOO stupid looking i love him so so SO much :)

i still havent placed my jetpens order, but i think i will sometime this week. the winter blues were REALLY getting to me a few days ago, and i dont think ive fully recovered yet sooo..

also HAPPY BDAY TOES !!! her birthday was sunday, and her, panini, and i had a sleepover and it was SOOO FUNNN it was great . and then she had a bday dinner yesyerday that was ALSO super fun !! i wore a very pretty green dress and finally got to wear out my leather bag and ugh it was SO FUN !! i had a great time, and i really want to meet up w that group again, it was so so so SO FUN !!

ive still been very into panchiko lately, which Idk how to feel about honestly. their msuic is so... Depressing... idk.. its good, though. very winter core. speaking of, its been SO SO SO cold where i live lately ! i dont mind, bc i loev the cold weather, but its just surprising.

im still sad ive been blogging a lot less, but i reall like my diary now !! ive been writing in it a ton, and i refilled my fine lamy with a purple cartridge and oits SOOO pretty !! im still debating on a green ink to buy from jetpens, and i think thats whats stopping me from placing the order Ngl... idk. maybe ill look rn LOL! still in class, but i finished the comp sci lab (yay !) so ive been studying, but i got kinda bored so im back 2 neocities :)

everytime someone comments in the cbox anything along the lines of 'wow youre such a codign queen !' i cant help but kinda giggle to myself bc i feel like i am NOT a good coder LOL ! but i also vividly remember being very suspicious of other sites who said that when i was just starting out, so i guess its a normal reaction. im thinking of redoing the main page, but i dont want to get rid of ... idk... maybe ill just do a little remodeling. ive been thinking of making my own pixel repeating bg to replace the moon and stars that i have there, but i just dont want to. Actually make it LOLZ ! maybe ill get on that soon.... idkkkk. Idk !!

ok im gonna go scroll jetpens for afew minutes b4 class ends. byebye yall !! hope youre doing lovely :)

happy new year!! so far so good, and i am having high hopes about the rest of the year, knock on wood!!

i recently got a laptop riser (bc ermm if u didnt know i exclusively use laptops) so i dont have to continuously look DOWN whenever im using the internet, and im really liking it so far!! its pink and adjustable and has a space underneath for my (objectively ugly dark grey) keyboard that ive been using to type now. yay set-up progress!!

i havent really been blogging as much because ive been SOOOOO into my diary the last couple of weeks i love her sooo much shes a GORGEOUS lilac leuchtturm and i love it so much. ive also been using a LOT of really adorableee stickers because i have soo much more space in the a5 than i did in my pocket size notebook (which is about half the size Ish of an a5) and its so fun !

yesterday i rewatched Boo York Boo york and the Great Scarrier Reef (both monster high movies if u didnt know) and they were SO FUNNY i highly recommend yall see them. rewatching them made me feel sooo much like a kid again! and the ridiculous plots and everything made me giggle a lot, i love those movies. anyways the new g3 cupid doll thats supposed to come out Sometime in 2025 is SO STINKING CUTE and i want her SO BAD id put her on my DESK im not so into doll collecting as i usedto be but... WOW!!! i love her i NEED her i WILL be purchasing her at some point. ily cupid. ALSO she was an EVER AFTER HIGH CROSSOVER CHARACTER so... i need her !

been listening to a lot of panchiko lately (aka the only 3 songs of theirs i really really like on repeat

i still havent placed my jetpens order, but im lowkey needing it bc my desk is really messy with all my journaling-specific supplies, and i really want to clean it up but i lowkey Cant until i get my new pen case. sighhhhhh

its been snowing the past couple of days, which is really nice! i havent had school yestertday or today, which is always nice. i think i still have work tomorrow, but thats Fine :)

been crocheting and watching a Lot of jerma. his mortuary assistant stream is SO GOOD i might rewatch it (again) today. io alkso started silent hill last night, so i might continue that. started a scarf last night, and its about a third of the way done and i want to try and finish it today so :)

kind of sad i havent been really updating my site a lot lately. like all ive really been doing is daily moods and music ive been listening to. but i have been pretty busy, so. i guess it works out :)

bye yall ! hope youre having a lovely day :)

feeling kinda bad but whatever. i think i just need to go outside, but i honestly dont want to rn. its dark, and cold, and i want to stay at my desk staring at the screen

im drifting away from my 2 closest friends that have been my besties since like 7th grade. idk if im just too spaced out to register anything rn, but i'm feeling really indifferent about it. idk. we dont even share a lot in common anymore. maybe im just splitting, idek. im just kind of sad about. but not as sad as i should be, i guess. i dont know. ive written about it for like 5 straight pages in my journal already, but its still weighing me down. maybe this will help?

in any case, i switched to a5 journaling, abd i really like the bigger size. i have more room to write and i can use so many stickers its not even funny. i hve $100 in gift cards to spend on jetpens, and i think im gonna place a relatively decoration-filled order. i am looking for a pen case that will fit all my needs, but i unfortunately am UNABLE to find one and it's been bothering me. i really wanted the lihit lab actact compact pen case, but it wont even fit my kuretake markers that i use very often in my 'spreads'(theyre really ugly, idk if u can even call them spreads). i also have so many washi tape and stickers in my cart. i also have a green ink, that i will probably switch out, but thats later me problem

luterally nothing on the jetpens website is calling to me, and i really dont want to buy somethijng im not 100% happy with. my old journaling pouch is jsut too big and bulky for my current purposes, and i hate the lack of organization. i want some pouches to fit my smaller items, and i want a couple pen loops to fit some fountain pens so i dont have to work about their safety in a pouch type compartment bumping around with other items

i also unboxed my hobonichi and all the accessories i got with it today ! its very cool and im really excited to use it

im glad i sized down my planner and sized up my journal. itll give me structure and creativity, but in the perfect amounts for me

ok. i want to keep watching jerma play the long drive. gonna crochet, too. bye guys

i'm so happy its winter break!! i feel so rested already :)

ive basically been crocheting NONSTOP! already finished 5 hats and a scarf in the past two days. literally spent over 21 hours crocheting this weekend um. its ok ! its for charity so im doing good for the world. i unraveled the blanket i startted out with because i never used it and tehre was soooo much yarn just BEGGING to be reused so ive just been using all of that up !

the yarn store near me is closing very soon, so i need to go back and grab some last minute stuff to stock up. theyve been having crazy sales, and ive already bought sooo much stuff, but at the rate im going it will NOT be enough!!!

ive also been journaling a ton the past couple of days ! with breaks i have a lot of time to think, and its really nice because then i get to jot it all down in my journal as soon as i think abt it. i also bought myself some new LEUCHTTURM NOTEBOOKS YAHOOOOOO and theyre in SUCH GORGEOUS COLORS and im very excited to use them ! one is in this gorgeousss lavender and the other is in a lighter shade of magenta and tehyre SO PRETTY !!

tje omly reason i havent bought them before is they only come in a5 sizes, and ive been too nervous to try out the big size (im used to smaller than a6 for my journals). but after being consistent for like 6 months, i think its time to try a5! hopefully all goes well, because these colors are just TOO. CUTE !!!

anyways, thats most of the new stuff i think :) overall im very excited to crochet soo much this break yahoo ! byebye !!

ok I LIED there is a lot more i remembered after i stood up from my desk LOL ! ive been really into candles ! one of my friends bought me a CANDLE for my birthday (lavender vanilla) and its SOOOOOOOOOO YUMMMYYY i love seeing it out of the corner of my air it amkes me so happy to see :)

ive also gotten back into prpject sekai ??? and i FORGOT HOW EXCITINGLY FUN RHYTHM GAMES ARE ??? bro its so fun i love rhythm games yes yes yes ues ues ueusuuusus Ues Yesss !!! YES

ok NOW i think thats it. maybe :) byebye for reals LOL

this weekend honestly sucked. i didnt do any homework after that saturday morning. i crocheted a lot, though. i finished 3 hats, and i donated all my finished projects this morning. 3 hats and 4 scarves :)

feeling very despondent and uninhabited, honestly. my period should start today, but i dont think it has yet. hopefully it doesnt throw me off too much

i relapsed after being 23 days clean, though. i don't have anything to say about it, but i definitely feel like i've failed. i wish the trend-line view worked for me, but all i see is failure

i am very excited for the break. i need the weather to get cooler again, and i am excited to be able to stay home and rest. i would like to work on some more scarves. maybe i will try another stitch :) alpine stitch used up too much yarn, i think, but maybe i'll do it again. it was really fun

i am also excited to set up my hobonichi . i haven't yet decided exactly how i want to go about it. i'm not sure which pens i would like to use in it. i might continue to use my hi tec c coleto multi-pen, but i don't really feel like buying refills. maybe i will though, i did really enjoy the ease of it, and especially the portability. i hope i go somewhere over the break

even a road trip would be really nice. i would like to update this website a lot, though. i have so many things i want to work on.

i finsihed watching ldshadowlady's empires series over the weekend. i really liked it, and im watching some more of her series' rn (currently like halfway through with afterlife haha!)

i also want to go back to watching oxhorn fallout lore videos bc lowkey those were sooo interesting and wrre really good background noise while crocheting. if any1 reading has any good podcast suggestions also PLEASE let me know bc lowkey i dotn like any podcasts i know of currently... um

ok. im gonna get back to class. ugh im so tired..

i am sooo tired i can like FEEL all my bones when i move. bleh. i ahve not been sleeping well lately :( stopped taking melatonin bc i knew i was getting too used to it, but now i can never fall asleep within 2 hours of getting in bed!

i have sooo much to study for :( at least i have a 2 week school break coming up. i have work in like 30 minutes, been studying @ this starbucks for like 2 hours now . Haha! got a lot done, but im still very unprepared for everyhting upcoming this week.

i also had a VERY bad math tets yestetday BOOOO i hate that math teacher soo much omg. he's so arrogant and annoying and he straight up doesnt TEACH US like BOY that is your job smh. whatever, maybe ill rant abt him here later.

i purchased a chestnut praline latte that is SOOOO good but now its cold which is kinda annoying :( anyways, i think im gonna go to work rn. not much new news honestly, i just wanted to write smth LOL ! byeeee

work was fineee just tiring. and then i got ANOTHER starbucks bevvy bc im a fiend and they gave me a venti instead of a grande by accident! but same price so yayyaya i got more yummy drink :)

finished the hat i was working on! it was armuy green. sytarting anoter, and its VERY VIBRANT GREEN!

ok bye. gonna rest more bc im gonna be a busy bee tomorrow

took my sat yesterday, and it actually went GORRIBLY. i dont ever want to see those scores. just gotta wait for the march test :( it was soo disappointes because all the OFFICIAL practice tests had been so much easier. i felt scammed. i also saw some girls in the grade above me there, and it lowkey freaked me tge FRINK out. whatveer. we live and we ball (i cried for 30 minutes and spent the entire day distracting myself). luckily, i avoided a relapse ! i pushed myself to stay clean, and im very proud of it. current streak is 17 days !!

my face wash came in the mail and im SO HAPPY ABOUT IT! it makes me feel so clean and pure and ive been quickly running out of the samples i've been using for the past like 4 months. now i have a real sized version, and im very happy about it :) ily shiseido clarifying cleansing foam MUAH

idk if i talked about this on here yet, but spotify wrapped this year lowkey sucked. making me reallyyy tempted to stop using spotify and switch to just having all my music downloaded on an external device or smth. i'll keep thinking about it. ANYWAYS i didnt like not seeing my genres, i didnt like how short it felt, and all of my top artists and songs fekt really really wrong. but whatever. Data!

yesterdsy i was reminded of ldshadowlady by a friend, and i decided to watch her while i crochet and OMGGGG I HAD A BLASTTT I MISSED HER SOOO MUCH ! i used to watch her all the dang time and omg ldshadowlady ily still shes SO FUNNY BAHAHA

im absolutely in love with the colder weather. hate that it only started feeling like fall in december tho...

really stressed about school for the next couple of weeks. i have a lot to do, and im not feeling motivted AT ALL...

ok. see u guys later. time to have breakfast and do math homework and stufy for math test and revise english outline and do computer scidnce reading and And and and

also i just have to announce. yesterday weveildoing made a new song and it was ummmmm. Not . my favorite.... BUT THE PROJECT PAGE WAS UPDATED WITH A CHARACTER QUIZ. and i got my #1 #Me SPLITTER GIRL i was assigned her and Yeah. Correct! anyways. jsut had to share that bc it made me feel Real LOL anyways . gonna go crochet some mroe MUAH

sometimes i wonder if all the stuff i do will ever be worth it. because it feels like no matter how much i try, or how hard i work, or how driven and motivated i am, it never ever matters in the end. i still feel just as undone and unraveled and unfulfilled as before, and i still feel shitty and unsuccessful

and no matter how responsible i am either ! everyone else is so greedy and awful. and my dumbass spoiled rotten bratty bitch sister, who hasn't done a SINGLE DAY OF WORK IN HER LIFE, who has AWFUL grades, who lets her other stupid dumbass friends drink alcohol in her room, who has zero mental awareness or anything, doesnt have any repercussions. she still gets all the unimportant, EXPENSIVE shit she wants (especially clothes she'll wear once and never use ever again), and never EVER gets punished for everything. its so annoying. i get just so angry thinking about it because she is so incredibly STUPID and it won't matter. we'll end up at the same place, probably, even though she's never tried to do anything ever

and the worst part is it never changes! for the past four or five years ive been surprised at how undeveloped she seems mentally, and im always like 'oh im probably just incorrectly remembering how i was at her age,' but im really not. i was so much more mature than she was at her age, and i don't get anything for it. i am so so so angry that i had to do everything 5 years early, how i had to learn to cook and clean and do everything you should learn when youre in high school when i was like 11, and here she is, aged 14, barely knowing how to make her own breakfast.

and my mom;s attitude is still the same thing. any brief slip-up from me is insane, even though my sister is actually so insanely stupid and needs SO MUCH MORE PUSHING THAN I DO. i got a 1510 on my sat for one of my practice tests, and she was so incredibly disappointed. i actually almost relapsed that night because of HER. becaus3e of HER reaction.

ugh this is a stupid ass blog post. none of this matters, and itll continue being the same until my sister is stuck living with my mom until her 40s and has to end up finding someone else to mooch off of. im just so angry, and so sad. im more sad, honestly. im so mournful for my younger self, seeing her so incredibly carefree makes me so incredibly jealous. i just wish things were different .

anyways, i got super sick last monday and tuesday, so thats why updates have been Lowkey very slow. school starst tomorrow, EW! ive started driving more, and its getting easier. im gonna get ready for bed, maybe ill play some botw or crochet or splatoon. or smth. btw flingza roller main FOREVER! if any Mutuals play splatoon and wanna play sometime LMKKKKK (i suck at the game tho so be prepared LOL) . ok byebye gamers, im gonna try and rest before tomorrow

this month has passed so quickly :( my birthday was monday. it really did Not feel like a birthday. i got a new phone from the fam, and i LOVEE the pink color. i added more jerma to it :)

i took another practice sat today, and my score dropped by 30 points. Bruh.... almlost cried i was SO upset :( i also feel sooo stupid now. whatever. ill get better :(

lowkey feeling really gross. its been superrrr sunny lately, and i really wish it would rain today. i am enjoying the cold weather. its very nice :) i love being able to wear sweaters and sweatpants and UGHGH my fave time of the year !!

its actually a problem how often i relapse after wednesday workdays. Ummm... like i think in the past few months theres only been a few times i Havent cut after work on wednesday. and this week was no different BAHAHAH ! its not funny. but it kinda is. i wonder what the other people who work there would do if they knew. they never will bc im Soooo excellent at hiding things and i never wear short sleeves Ever but like. theoretically, i wonder

ANYWAYS !!! panini got me SUCHHHH EPIC GIFTS OMGGG !! they gave me sooo many cute stickers (which i ADORE !), some super cute purple fluffy yarn, a FIFTY DOLLAR JETPEMS GIFTCARD OMGGGG, some super cool magazines that are 100% collage-worthy, a SUPER COOL HANDMADE HANDSCULPTED CLAY KEYCHAIN OF JERMA !!!!!!!!!!!!!!, and a crochet granny square pattern book !!! theyre SUCH AGOOD GIFT GIVER and im IN LOVE WITH ALL OF IT !!!!!!!

i really REALLY thought i was getting better at talking to new people, but i Highkey have just gotten infinitely more anxious. im not sure if ive talked abt it on here before, but i loterally Stopped going to an after school club i was in bc One of the girls scared me SO BAD and then everyone else scared me so i just. Stopped going. BUT THEN I WAS ADDED INTO A GROUPCHAT FOR THE CLUB... AND NOW IDK WHAT TO DO. Sooo ummmmm im lowkey ignoring that. wink wink. super scared tho bc i honestly probbaly made such a bad impression and I FEEL LIKE THEY HATE ME but i also know that they probably dotn and that im just an overreacting freak :( whatever.....

ive gotten back into crocheting ! currently working on a hat for my cousin's son, and i also learned the alpine stitch ! and i started a scarf with thta a few days ago

also been suchhhh a jerma fan lately. been watching sooo many of his streams. Hehe ! He's so funny.... baha... ha...

i want to play splatoon soon ! i miss it, but i really havent been using my switch lately. maybe ill play some tonight :) i probably still suck but its FINEEE !

ok i think thats all the updates for recent new things ! cant wait to write my next post in a month LOLOL bye yalll

you gutys im feeling so sick....

started playing some splatoon and botw . super fun ! i also got a poke bowl for diner ;)

my birthday is in 4 days... yikes

not excited for that !! anyways. ive been so overwhelmed lately. its been mostly good, becayse ive been so focused on school and work and studying that ive forgotten my misery! but i relapsed yesterdat after 13 days clean. so.. ..,

also just generally feeling incompetent and sad and upset and :( just BAD. its probably (99.99%) my period, but ugh.... i HATE THIS BRUHHHH HATE IT HATE ITTT

also my grades are honestly slippibg and its SO UPSETTING because ive been working SO HARD this semester. i also have not been working on this site a lot, which makes me sad. buti have been getting quite a few emails so thanks yall!

been trying to update my crochet page bc i actually HATE IT but its not going well.

also unfortunately not eating well lately, which also might be a cause of my feeling bad, which in turn causes me to not eat. vicious cycle moment. ouroboros moment.

ive been super into portishead lately. like.. more than normal. i think its because its getting colder out. portishead is such a fall band... omg...

also been feeling very grimes lately

ok. i dont hae much else to say. just wanted to give a brief update bc i havent posted here in TWO WEEKS. bye guys. MUAH 😘😘😘

i am soo upset i havent been blogging as much lately. ive done basically 15 posts in 2 months, which is soo much less than i used to. im chronicling a lot of my life physically in my journals (just started my 4th one a couple days ago !) but i miss seeing all my digital writing. i want to go back and add better dates to all my past blogs tho, like years and stuff. looking back on some of my pages im realizing the timeline might seem very weird for people just stumbling upon my siet LOL !

i have a macbeth test tomorrow, and i want to absolutely never have to take it. i hate reading shakespeare, and plays in general, and i just do not care at all. i liked it when lady macbeth said "will these hands never be clean," tho LOL ! that went pretty hard ngl. actually i care abt her. lady macbeth is soo fire i love her

every time i go to work i feel like they HATE ME more and moreee omg... main guy @ work seemed very passive aggressive for the last week and i DONT KNOW IF IM MAKING IT UP (bpd moment) OR IF ITS REAL. AND I WANT TO SCREAM AND CRY AND NEVER GO BACK TO WORK AGAIN

ive been having soo many dreams about work actually, and it makes me wake up crying because i dont want to !!! i wnat a break !! i dont want to have to go to work. ugh. i love money, though. i also have been having such a difficult time sleeping. but thats not all that new, i guess :(

ap psych is getting hard because i GENUINELY DONT KNOW WHERE IM SUPPOSED TO FIND THIS INFO ??? i should just get na actual textbook, maybe. but i dont want to... maybe ill look for a pdf textbook soon . Lol !

watched kubo and the two strings with Bestie yesterday, almost cried. i lovee laika stopmotion movies. coraline is also soo good. and laika is such a godo name (for someone who cries about laika the dog once year). ugh i love them so much. i should wathc some more laika movies

i love emo music bro. 001 playlist keeping me alive. I LOVE YOU AD0RKEN I LOVE YOUUUU. in the heart is one of my all time faves.

i hope i feel more productive this week. i did NOTHING last week (well, as little as i had to) and it suckeddd ngl. getting used to my contacts tho. i have to finish watching macbeth today..... sigh

i finished a scarf on friday and its actually very cute ! i will donate next time the crochet club has a meeting, even though all the club leaders actually scare the life out of me

omg unrelated but there's this one girl in the grade above me who SCARES ME TO DEATH and i see her EVERYTHING and she keeps GLARING AT ME and SIDE-EYEING ME and one day she LOOKED ME UP AND DOWN IN A VERY CONDESCENDING MANNER and she scares me so much and i cant deal with her omg helppp help me helpp HELP

ummm what else. i dont know. ive been feeling veryyy weird lately. not very good, btu also not awful-awful (btw mention of self harm in the next couple lines. skip reading the part in asterisks if u dont like that)

*for some reason the cuts i made on my thighs like a WEEK ago are not fading all that well !! and they normal fade/heal after a few days, but its been quite a bit longer than that and i dont know whats happenin But its stopping me from cutting more so yayyy ??*

ive been SUCH A JERMA FAN LATELY i actually love him. i need to add more to my jerma page omg i think he's SO FUNNY. ok i hvae to finish studying macbeth now byebyee

i actually cant deal with macbeth i HATE IT i DO NOT CARE. ugh. i didnt finish the play i was trying to watch... i got SO BORED of it. whatever..

started another scarf today ! i really like the yarn im using, its SOOO SOFT ! i love crocheting u guys im soo happy i decided to get back into it

i do not want to go to school tomorrow. im gonna cry. i dont wanna take a STUPID ENGLISH TEST and i dotn want to go to the class with the girl who thinks its ok to make CUTTING JOKES with people she DOES NOT KNOW WELL. ughghgghhhggghhh. goodnight u guys

i WISH i didnt get so painfully enthusiastic about stuff !!

me and my friends are planning a little Birthday Bash for me and a friend whose birthday is 12 days before mine ! and im VERY VERY VERY EXCITED and its out of control ! this happens very often, and i get soo pushy and like. over-excited about it nad i get annoying to people because i press too much and Gahhhh it just SUCKS !!

like. ughghgh i wish i could just look forward to things NORMALLy! i guess it doesnt help that im planning most of it and kinda need to know who's going but no one will answer ! but i guess i dont really need to know for another week (i will be stressed about it until i finalized all the details )

anyways. i felt sooo shitty yesterday. i relapsed after a week (!!) and that kinda sucked. but today was better ! a lot better . i love my friends so much ❤️❤️❤️❤️

my birthday is in exactly one month ! which is a little crazy. i am so very tired tonight, though. im getting back into crocheting though, which makes me very happy. i missed it a lot, and its very calming!

i have a lot of work to do. i finished the first unit of AP psych tho ! so im pretty happy about that. ill make a quizlet for it tomorrow, probably. i have to go to work, which means ill probably study for a couple hours in the mornign BEFORE work. it works really well for me :)

ummm Ya ! thats all recently. ive just been so so soo tired. school kicked my butt this week. im getting closer to a girl who joined our little friend group a month or so ago, and shes really funny ! im getting her into jerma :)

ok. im probably gonna get ready for bed and try to crochet. night night !

disclaimer ! i will be talking about cutting and sh in this entry. not too heavy or explicit, but if that stuff's not for you skip this one !

ill be 4 days clean tonight, but i feel really bad about it. i feel really lame and stupid and bad for stopping honestly. the same happened the last time i went this hard, but gosh i forgot how bad it felt. i want to cut again, not even because i feel bad, but because of instinct at this point. im going to keep pushing through, but gosh its hard

i saw a website on here with some graphics of a girl with cuts on her thighs and arms. i first thought "wow, i look like that too!" but then i looked down and realized that theyd healed almost completely. and i felt so much shame and regret and i wanted to reopen all the wounds id made :( luckily i dont feel insanely tempted, but goodness. the imposter syndrome sh edition goes hard :(

and ive heard a lot of people talk about it online before, but i cant remember feeling it this hard before. it wasnt even really that realistic of a drawing, just a girl sitting with some vague cuts and marks on her thighs and arm. but now i just feel so invalid. like maybe i never even did this in the first place .

i wish i had emotional permanence. i genuinely dont remember feelings after theyve left. everything is so fleeting. i wish i could remember feelings, i wish i could remember anything honestly. even things from a few months ago seem to already be dreams.

but honestly, im doing pretty well ! my jetpens order came in the mail, i had a successful yom kippur fast, and im keeping clean pretty well ! ive been playing lots of videogames, especially my 2ds, and ive been feeling pretty normal. which is all very good !

i also got my trimester grades back, and theyre really good, so im very proud of that. i just really dont feel that much right now. which makes me so upset (or does it?)

the whole point of my current mood block was that i would get better at identifying emotions and how i feel. but it hasnt really helped much. i feel like im just as bad at recognizing my feelings as i was when i started it (probably 8 months ago at this point)

anyways. life's been good, i just suck at recognizing it rn :( see yall later and hope everyone's doing well !!

i keep having hugeee breaks in between my long blog posts. Idk why. maybe my diary is actually coming in handy ! which is really good. i dont have to keep writing depressing stuff only in here Lol

unfortunately ive been doing pretty poorly lately... um. idk why, but ive reverted back to probably the worst state ive been in in a LONG while. i looked in the mirror yesterday and i realized i hadnt been this bad since like june. so.. 4 months worth of progress has gone DOWN the drain !!

hopefully i can distract myself this weekend. new genshin update out tonight, i downloaded cooking mama and happy home designer on my switch, and i wanna meet up w my friends :)

xilonen is coming out in the update tonight, and i hope shes fun to play ! because she's ALSO a skater girl !! and IM a skater girl !! sooo that would be kinda cool lol !

im having SO much fun w my 3ds !! actually having the time of my LIFE i have so many fun games ! so far i have style sacvvy fashion forward, sims 3, happy home designer, and cooking mama. i need a new sd card tho... almost taking up all my storage haha... cant download any other ones, and i want to eventually get style savvy trendsetter i tgink ! i also really want to make a page for my 3ds.. maybe ill do taht this weekend

i unlocked the lolita fashion brand in style savvy the other day and i have spent SO MUCH MONEY THERE. (in game obvi LOL) . i also unlocked the gothic store and OMG ITS SOOOO MUCH FUN I LOVE THIS GAME !!!

im hoping i can bounce back soon, because its actually SO embarassing to have to try and hide all the little cuts all over my arms and legs :( and i have work tomorrow. which s kinda stressful !!

i will probably place my jetpens order this week ! so stay tuned for that :)

ok byebye for now !! gonna play some more silly games LOL !

hey gang ! been a while since i actually updated my site, which kinda sucks. i dont have that much to say honestly, bc ive been journaling a lot. and ive been SUPER busy w school and stuff. i have sooo much hw and studying to do its actually hurting me. i take psychic damage everytime i open microsoft to-do

anways, doing a lot better than last week ! which im very happyb abt. met up w the friend that i ummmmm i was being like Highkey MEAN to (girl idek why. happy its fixed Yahoo!) and it was good so yaya !!

im in love w the coffee machine my mummy bought, its actually my favorite thing in the world. i love coffee.... we also have decaf grounds so i can DRINK COFFEE. AFTER SCHOOL. WITHOUT SACRIFICNG MY SLEEP. WAHOOOOO

i put jam plugs on my skates a couple weeks ago, and im getting pretty good at them !! still falling a lot, but im def less dependent on the toe stop, which is super great ! my knees still have some gnarly bruises tho LOL !

luckily this week im not going to school on thursday bc of rosh hashanah, and im not working wednesday. yahoo ! i love being jewish u guys. #JewGirl..

and the jewish student union at my school has a meeting tomorrow, so thats exciting ! i actually have no clue where the meeting is but ummm we'll figure it out ! :)

i bought a lot of SUPER cute stickers from daiso yesterday, which id been meaning to do for a while. happy i finally got around to it ! spent like 30 dollars on stickers and washi tape tho ermm... its ok i hvaent bought anything in a while LOL !

we also FINALLYYY GOT GAS back a couple days ago !! warm showers r the best u guys omg... and i can COOK TOO. i love it.

hmmmm what else... idk ! getting close to ordering my hobonichi stuff, but idk if jetpens will restock them sooner than ill get 28 days. not consecutive which sucks, but its still good i thiNK !!

ok. i want to SKATEEE byw gang !

just jailbroke my 3ds yahoo !!

cant wait to download a shitton of games :)

irls arent allowed to read (:

u guys i relapsed after 12 days clean i actuallyw ant to cry. not actually. hoestly i dont feel bad about it, but i know ill feel so upset soon. thats the part that sucks the most

really annoyed lately. every little thing bothers me. Considering ghosting And/or blocking And/or just ignoring. booo

i have so much to do

i am very jealous. i am a very awful person. i hope this passes. everything is paralyzing, and ive been laying in bed pretending im not here anymore for far too long

food tastes gross, i look ugly, hair always a mess. we havent had hot water in almost a week, havent had the stove working. i am so unreal right now.

i dont like the people i used to. i dont feel like me. nothing is right, but idk what wrong is. i need a change of pace again

but after this week it just gets busier. i feel so bad

i generally feel awful. might update later idk. i dont actually have a lot to say. i jst need to get this off my chest

Im so tired !!! its been better recently, but last week was SO HARD. school was hard, work was stressful, hobbies were not fun, life was greyer, mind was blank, head empty, too much to do, plate full. it was soooo stressful, but most of the stress is gone now.

I GOT MUALANI;S WEAPON YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS I GOT IT !!!! IT TOOK ME SOOO LOGN GRINDING OUT THE GAME AND EXPLORING THE MAP BUT YYA ZAZAAAAA ima ctually SO HAOPY she has like 200% CRIT DMG she;s SO TANKY. i love mualani she's so cuteeee omg :)

now i have 3 5 star catalysts !! time for me to quit playing for 3 months just to come back to try to get another cutesie girl LOl

been listening to a lott of snow strippers lately . my music page is all complete now too ! just filling in soem more artists and songs and albums, but thatll probably take a LONG TIME to backlog all my favorite music, so keep checking in if thats what you're into !

i have my hobonichi 2025 plans basically all finalized ! and im going to ask for the cover for my birthday (i think!) ! ive decided on the 2023 liberty fabrics betsy (neon purple), and online its basically the same price as this year's, which is pretty neat ! it also looks a lottt cuter. and purple is my all time favorite color ! so glad i decided to look back at the older covers, bc the ones this year were kinda bad...

still stuck on which pilot pen to get ! ruminating on the pilot prera in royal blue, but idk... i might just end up getting a metropolitan... sighhh i wish their color options were better !!! i wish i could buy a sailor pen....

i hope this week goes well, bc ive been SO EXHAUSTED for the past couple of weeks.

realized my family is having people over in like 3 weeks and im STILL upset about it. like 7 "family friends" (3 of them ive met and their son is ANNOYING AF and ive never ever met the other 4) ughghgh its ok i have 3 weeks to mentally prep. Wish me luck u guys.

ok im really tired. i think i will go to bed soon, im not excited for school. sighhhh..... if only i DIDNT HAVE GRADES... then school would be so fun !

toodlesss !

anyone who knows me in real life should not read this post

and warning for self harm, cutting, and overall upsets

feeling the worst ive felt in a long time. i fele like the harder i try to stay clean, the harder i fail and the worse i get

havent actually thought about killing myself in a long time, but last night was so rough. considering committing more than i ever have.

i cant believe ive been like this for 5 years. i dont know what im supposed to do, honestly. i dont think i will ever get better. should i even try anymore? i feel like i should just let my moods take control honestly

nothing is good enough motivation, and honestly all i want to do is inflict unto myself what i inflict onto others. i feel so disgusting and gross and evil. maybe i will just finish my homework and take more melatonin and sleep through the day.

anyways. i dont know why im like this. i havent been careful or thoughtful at all about where im cutting, and im afraid its so obvious. now im going to have to spend another week spouting stupid excuses and bad lies. i hope im believable. i wish people were ignorant. but at this point, does it even really matter if people care? or know? i dont think anyone will really do anything. not worse thanwhat im doing to myself, anyway

feeling disgustinggg... cant wait to go to sleep and wake up in the mornkng. i hate sundays

havent eaten nything yet. I made myself some coffee. but it tastes horrible. but i am feeling too tired to not drink it

feeling a lot better. crazy what eating a meal can do ! i hope school tomorrow goes alright r

i am so tired and so sad and so unwell

i dont know why keeping clean is literally harder than keeping a duolingo streak. i am so nervous for tomorrow, i have pe and i cant wear long sleeves or pants. i hope and pray i will somehow be all healed in the morning.

i need to force myself to be clean so i can order my planner. i have decided i have to be 2 weeks clean to place a $60 order, and every additional week is $20. i need to keep my head above water and i need to keep clean so i can be normal. i am so nervous for work as well

people my age dont really pay attention to that; i also dont think anyone cares. im unfortunately believing that adults probably care more, but idk. maybe ill just wear a sweater and try to cover my knees if anyone is nearby. i dont need nayone to tell me anything abt how im loved or whatever.

trying to figure out how i could ever be clean because i seriously dont know how that would be possible. hoping i will form a habit of NOT cutting.

Maybe i should stop trying to redesign my blinkie at work... ir eally dont want anyone there finding this site....... erm.....

i am so tired. this weekend has been so not restful. i am hungry. maybe i will eat. and then study. and play a game. and look at jetpens. and journal. and go to bed. i need to distract myself

maybe i should just throw out my blades

feeling a little bit better, i had dinner. i hope school tomorrow will be alright; i hope my quiz goes well. i think tomorrow will be a defining factor in how good this week goes

because then ill go to crew in the afternoon, and wednesday ill have work, and i wont have a free moment until friday probably. so i should be able to stay clean for at leats 4 days, which might be enough to push me to keep going

in the meantime i will just have to continue looking on jetpens for things to motivate me. ill continue watching hobonichi setups, and planner girlies, and jetpens videos. ill continue distracting

i am so tired. i hope i feel awake tomorrow morning

so many times ive wondered if i should ask people in my life for help, but it always sounds so awkward and kind of stupid. idk. i feel like if online resources help me there's not much adults irl can

but maybe its worth a shot. maybe ill try this week, ill try to ask someone. clearly i need some help. clearly something's wrong. i hope i can one day leave this all behind

i was listening to a song on youtube the other day, and the comments were full of people celebrating milestones. years being sober, self harm free, despression free. i hope one day i can say im a year clean from cutting. i hope i will be able to forget this when im older. i hope i heal

Happy september !

emptied and cleaned my kaweco last night and filled up my lamy with sailor manyo nadeshiko ! and its actually GORGEOUS and its AMAZING and im SO HAPPY i bought it !!!

ive basically settled on buying an a6 hobonichi for myself. i can continue tracking my time and activities, but im hoping to utilize the whole planner to track habits and things i need to do. just to occupy myself a little more, and to make myself feel better. and to encourage good habits and discourage bad ones. so thats pretty exciting !!

putting together a wish list of things to buy to make the planner easier to use. currently have the hobonichi a6 itself, some index tabs to make it easier for me to flip through, and the midori md clear a6 cover. but idk if that cover is what i really want or would use

because it is the cheapest option, but i want to keep all my planning stuff in one place (and the midori cover has no pockets or anything, its just a plastic cover [i think]). but the hobonichi covers are just SO expensive !!! and im honestly not a huge huge fan of any of them...

idk, i have literally like three months LOL ! im very very worried that my next jetpens order will be SO expensive tho ! bc the planner alone is 40 dollars, and everything else combined would also be expensive... ughghgh why cant i just have unlimited money.... why cant i be paid to enjoy my life ?!?!?? maybe i should work more than 3 x a week. Ugh. i want money I WANT A RAISE

So far today is going better than yesterday! hoping it stays that way. might end up watching some more planner vidoes Slash jerma and just keep farming for mualani.

but i have to study tomorrow !!!! ughghh... kinda not happy about school ngl. Ok. i will go now. byebyeeee !

feeling soo awful... so cooped up and sad. ugh. relapsed and cant stop rn. been in my room all day, havent eaten enough or drank enough or done enough. just feeling sooo gross

hoping i can get some time to cook my favee pasta later so i can feel better and distract myself but idk. my dad is home rn and he has been staying up LATE doing NOTHING and just sitting in the kitchn. and i dont like being in the kitchen when other people are in the kitchen :(

seriously wish i had work today because i Needdd to get out of the house but i dont really want to do anything in particular. at least i was a little productive, i did some hw and studying. just feel so awful and i dont know why

ive been farming for mualani and its soo fun ! natlan has actually been fun to explore, and its very exciting !! im getting pretty nervy that i wont get her weapon tho, and its stressing me out !! i have it guaranteed, i just need to get a 5 star. and my luck is SHIT so im hoping and praying ill be able to get enough primos by like 2 weeks to reahc poity and get it. but idk

i dont even know why i feel so gross today !! its probably because i havent actually done anything... ughghghhhh... i hope i feel better asapppp

thinking about getting a hobonichi a6 planner. bc they have such cute covers ! but idek if i Need the cover, so i ight just end up gettig a ummm midori md clear cover for it. just trying not to get too obsessed about anything bc jetpens makes it seem like all the hobonichi stuff will sell out by the end of today, and i dont want to order anything until like.. at leasttt late september. sooo

tryibg to distract myself so i dont cut anymore toda but :( not going too great. Arggg why are long weekends always so depressing !?

I GOT MUALANI !!!!! I GOT HERRR Lost the weapon banner to freedom sworn tho... Smh

wanting to get a hobonichi techo for 2025 ! maybe i will get one of the cuter weeks ones. idk, or maybe ill get a daily :)

School;s kinda bad again. Feeling gross n shitty Ewwww ew ew ewww

Ok no irlz from here on out. Bye byeeee

was thinking about How i could cut myself secretly while also getting the satisfaction after chemistry. but i SERIOUSLY dunno how, often than going completely down my arm (Not so screet! not furtive...) and UGH im so annoyed. anyways... ended up relapsing :( kinda sucks

esp because today wasnt even that bad !!! Just wanted that dopamibe hit... shcool was like fine, and work was also fine. im just like. Ugh. im already overwhelmed and tired and afraid and im being Different but idk if its in a good way or a bad way, i cant tell. i miss my friends i havent been seeing as often. i wish my friends were feeling amazing. i wish they were healthy

Maybe i shoyld just start wearing long sleeves to school all the time like i used to, so no one would tell when i went crazy. school is cold enough as is. ill try it tomorrow

anyways. wondierng if i should ask this one guy at work about computer science and Java. i have so many questions for all these people !! they seem so Knowledgable and Experienced. Wish i were Normalcore

i will probably go early next saturday to do some studying at the cafe next door, just so i feel a little less overwhelmed by school. And i can get a sweet treat !

i am hoping i dont go back to cutting Incredibly regularly. even though i relapse every few days, its better than cutting 3 times a day. ugh i wish i was normal u guys

its ok tho ! tomorrow is another day, and i will try my hardest to stay clean. maybe i need to get the I Am Sober app LOLOL.

mualani releases in TWO. DAYS !!!!!!!!!!!!!! IM ACTYALLY SQUEALING IM SOOO EXCITED.. kinda embarassing but im SO EXCITEDDDDDDD IM SO HYPED

genshin impact gets SUCH a bad rap online and like... Yes. There are a LOT of weird aspects And Racism And AWFUL fans And just WILD things but the charcater designs can be SO GOOD. JUST SOOOO EXCELLENT !!!!!!1 when kokomi released two years ago i fell in LOVE and the same thing is true w mualani. Me when ocean themed girls. Maybe its just the fish theme actually. Unsurprising...

ughghghgh im just SO HYPED. i actually cannot wait !! i have liek 45 wishes saved up ! which is not a lot (i had over 100 for kokomi.. Erm) but its a lot for only saving for a month or so !! i cannot wait for her omg. pulling for her ASAP after school on thursday. i will finish up ALL my homework. and i will pull for her and go CRAZY on genshin . Heart emoji

and its PERFECT timing bc its labor day weekend !!! so i have ALL THE WAY from friday after school to monday to lazeee arounf and play this awful stupid game. i love pretty characters omgggg

i actually just CANT WAIT !! i should seriously do spiral abyss And the thetare rn to get some more primos... but im kinda not in the mood. mayeb tho. Ok anywaysss im gonna go play some genshin. Feel free to mock me. Its stupid. but its also stupidly fun. I love videogames :)

ok toodlesss !

just finished up the layout for this new blog page !! i liek it so far but ill probz be changing lots of things in it soon. designing it was A STRUGGLE though ! glad i got it to a place im happy w before the week :)

weevildoing came out w chemical girl yesterday and. Omg i hate her. I hate her design and her song and its all SO BAD . the song itself is so BAD and the lyrics also SUCK and i feel sooo bad but omg its just. Its just NOT MY FAVE ANYMORE . sob emoji. weevildoing ily but chemicl girl was NOT my fave. splitter girl still my fave . shes great

got a new journal today ! about to end my 2nd one YAYAAA so i got a green one w like a mint strap ?? AND ITS SOOO CUYTE IM EXCITED TO DECORATEE it !! i have some adorableee stickers and i cant wait to use them :)

i also FINALLYYYY bought myself some uni ball one p's ! theyre like. the perfect size for my hands honestly !! and the ceramic body feels SO NICE TO HOLD and i just loveee uni ball black ink its soo vibrant. i bought them for a few dollars overpriced but ive been wanting them for FOREVER and i got the 'ok' from my mum so yay !! will probably use them in my school planner

speaking offff, its actually not that bad this year so far !! im having a lot of super fun laughs w friends and talking to a LOT more people than last yr ! feeling a lot more like a person than an extra in a tv show which is SO AMAZING !!! been having some super fun conversations !

and all my teachers seem SOOO nice except my english teacher Um. I dont think she and i will get along very well LOLOLOL she seems to be very 'follow the rules by the book' and i dont do that... SO.... um ...

anyways ! going to probably start getting ready for tomorrow and doing some last minute things before bed. see ya ! hopw yall like the new layout !!

working on my THIRD blog now !! have yet to link it, and it is still very very VERYYYY in progress, but im hoping it comes along pretty well !! i will probably update this post later, but for now its just to grasp what the layout will look like.

breaks for testing max height.