omg i have so much to do and i dont want to do ANY OF IT !!! debating on whether i should study at home or at cafe. cafe could be fun but i Dont want to see anyone from work, and its noisy. but i could get so distracted at home. i think i will get a yummy drink either way though. just to boost my spirits

i have been so tired !! im also annoyingly sick. Like. For No Reason !! no one around me is ill and its So annoyingggg i just feel gross doing anything Ughhh

i had a physics test today, i think i actually failed. Like. Fail Failed. he legit didnt spend more than 45 minutes teaching like half of the test to us.... Ugh this stupid school needs 2 fix its curriculum i SWEARRR

skating is so much fun !!! i am having such a good time on my Rolly Shoes. this is kinda an embarassing thing to like ngl, but Hey at least im being active !! i love skating so so so much omg. i need some Skating friends that could be so FUN!!!

thinking of trying to go shopping for some New Clothes. i want better skating clothesss my new shorts are GREAT but i have like. 3 shirts and 2 sweaters that i Skate Comfortably in. i think a dress would so fun ! or maybe a romper. Idk. but i want some Nice Not Hot clothes so i dont BURN in the summer. maybe i will get a haircut, too, so my hair isnt Heating up my neck lol !

so stressed ngl. i should be working on my history paper, but i cant do that Rn. hopefully i get motivated soon !

also forgot to post my Michaels Run ! i bought some new stickers, some CUTEEE washi tape, some letter stickers, and some adorablleeee pens ! one is like a lavender gelly roll, one is a white uni ball signo that ive beeen wanting for AGES and one is a staedtler like. Chisel tip black makrer that is SO FUN TO USEEE !! i love scrapbookign so much. made a collage for a spanish project yesterday and it was SO FREEING. i want to do that even more.

also per the title pop the glock by uffie is SO GOOD.... I love her so much. Icon.

ok... im gonna try and do Hw now.............. Sighhh........... ugh i hate writing papers

Homeeeeeee omg thank goodness..... felt so sick earlier Yaya Zaza so happy im home

still got so much crap to sdo. UGHGGHGH...

hopefully we get meds later... my sister going to doctor so Hopefully...

Omg. Yikes. I can feel the Bpd Favorite Person energy coursing through my veins. I can feel the obsession. Hooooooolyyy shoot. I Am Scared!!!!!! Bahahahahaha Humbug. I am so worried. I hope i dont do anything rash. but OMG i need to find some more friends Asap i cant keep Onsessing over the same likd 2/3 people Over and Ober again. was thinking lately and Pmg i get the appeal of like. romantic relationships. I understand ervtything. i want someone who gets me !!!! and Likes me !!! and holds my hand after a long day !! and gets me my favorite drink !!! and brings me little gifts !!!! i get it now.

soooo bored... endlessly bored. happy may thoufh !!

scrolling through neocities sites b/c i want to mkae more Friends and Mutuals on here. so surprised at how many websites just look the gosh darn exact same !!! like the same exact thing !!! with a tiny bit of tweaking, but its all the same ! same colors, same layouts, same themes, same gifs ! its crazy !

sometimesi wish i had an overall Theme to my site, but i am so happy its more of a mix of everything. i would hate being put in a box I created for my web design. so much more fun to just do what i want than sticking with a cutesy theme or like a mascot or... i dont know. i just love being able to be stupidly creative on here lol !

started doing my driving stuff yesterday yahoo ! might be able to finish my program in a couple weeks, which is super cool! then i can get my permit and practice, which is Scaryyyy lol ! i am so scared to drive. it terrifies me ...

i have so many things to do and i do Not wnat to do any of it... at all. i need to start Braining and get motivation. i need to fix this mindset !!! i hope summer is fun. i need a vacation, i need to go somewhere. im sick of the same places. i want to buy things and change my space. i want to paint and draw and scrapbook. i need to be creative. i need to make more things !!

some kids at work today thought i was in college again. idk why they think that, i dont know if theyre lying or not. my friend told me to savor my childhood a while ago, but i literally cant. everyone already thinks im 20 anyways. like.. i think if i didnt tell people, they might not be able to tell with the amount of times people say they thought i was in college. its honestly just annoying. it makes me so sad. i want to be a normal kid so bad, or i guess just a normal teenager. ugh. i told some girls in my class this the other day, and they told me to just Be Myself !!! like... Omg. i like. i legit cant.. if i want to have people like me i NEEDDD 2 get normaler... omg....

ok goodnight. i am tired.

been feeling Super icky for the past few days and Whoopdy Doo Who'da Thunk Im on My girl Days !!! Hahahhahahhahahahahhaa my stummy hurts soo bad omg....

luckily only have less than an hour left in the school day, and i can go home and change. i have to do sooo much studying tho, i have a math test in the morning that im very worried for. hopefully ill feel motivated at home. i really want a yummy drink, but i already had one earlier, so i dont think i should get another one. maybe ill try to make one Homemade later idk

friend feeling a little bit better !! still worried and i Hope they dont feel bad again later but for now theyre ok yayaya !! thinking abt making another scrapbook page

i need to buy so many stickers its not even funny. i need to decorate and decorate and decorate and decorate !!!! i need to scrapbook more and i need more time in the day

ughghgh i hate history last period. i should be working on my paper rn bc it FRICKING SUCKS but im so unmotivated and tired and just Unwell feeling.

i hope it is not too hot later today... i think if i finish all my studying i will reward myself with a rollerskating session. but its supposed to be like 80 degrees for the rest of the day, so idk if thats possible.....

also been thinking abt how i Never really know how im feeling !! also havent felt like im experiencing things lately. like i cant believe this is my life rn... which is such a lame thing to say ngl but its also just like... its just so annoying. and saddening, i guess. like im supposed to be making memories but i couldnt even tell you the last time i had a memorable experience :(

i reallyyy want a salad... maybe i will go with my mom to get a yummy one later today. my legs will probably hurt too much to go skating, anyways. my legs always feel like JELLY on my period, and i also havent been eating enough iron lately, so i dont think ill be as strong of a skater as usual :( maybe i will just crochet with jerma in the evening.

OJH YUEAH ALSO I GOT MY BRACES REMOVED IN THE MORNING !!! Crazy thing to forget abt, a girl in my clsss just complimented me on them LOLZ which is. kinda funny bc i totally forgot. i really dont like it though honestly. you can see how yellow and Coffee Stained my teeth are, and how big and still rough and ugly they are... idk. this should be a separate post honestly, but im very like.. Unhappy with how i look lately. idk. i can like. i can SEE POTENTIAL to be Pretty or Good looking or whatever which is a step forward, but Idk hwo to Realize the prettyness... stupid thing to say and idek if it makes sense, but we'll see, we'll see

ok its now 3;43 but not Later Enough for me to make a new date thingy. i am So tired. like actually so tired, i better be able to study later. maybe i will study in my comfy chair, idk, but i am SO. TIRED........ cant do this today. i hate this time of year, im always irrationally exhausted bc school is annoying stressful. even now, when its not that bad, im still So So SO So SO worried and tired...

i feel so behind. emotionally, physically, mentally. i feel stunted. i feel like everyone around me is growing and maturing and im stuck as the same exact person i was two years ago. ive changed but i havent grown. i am no more developed than i was at 12. i need to grow up. everyone always tells me im so mature but all i see in the mirror is some kid who doesnt talk enough for people to get who i am

im thinking about a lot of old memories, how a lot of my bestest friends from years ago have become totally different people, how i miss them all so much, how i want to talk to them again and ask questions, how afraid i am of them now. how different we all are. how i caused everything

i need to change, but i dont know how. i wonder if i should start watching other people, people who seem more normal, to see how to fix myself. i used to think about this a ton, but i havent for a year or so. maybe i will go back to trying to fit in or whatever, idk. i hate feeling so odd though. like people look at me differently.

everyone in my family thinks i have autism for some reason. my dad has it, and he told me the other day that im 'probably like him in that sense.' i think they just dont get that i can just be weird. i dont need to have a neurological disorder to just be plain weird, and no one gets it. ugh. hopefully i grow out of this stupid phase where i dont feel like a real or normal girl.

i think i need some more friends, but idk how to make them. i always get too loud and too obnoxious and noisy and annoying when i get too comfortabele, which then repels people, which shuts me up, which brings them back, and i feel safe, and the cycle repeats. ugh

i wish i were a normal person so badly, it seems so easy. i wish i didnt remember things when i went to bed at night

everyone around me is hurting and i cant do anything to help it, and i dont think anyone Wants me to help or anything but i feel so sad and distressed and powerless

personally im feeling ok though. tired, but what else is new

really loving my new rollerskating page design

Ok for my irls there Is more personal stuff below Sooo yeah. just a Headsup (maybee dont read idk. Make the call)

bestest friend felt awful today and i wanted to help and i tried to help but i Didnt and i think i just made it infinitely worse. then i started to think what i would do if they really Did die or if anything major did happen and i couldnt find the words and i didnt tear up, and i just felt empty for a while. the rest of the day seemed like a blur honestly. they told me theyre feeling better i think but idk how long its gonna last, and theyre definitely gonna feel bad again. because it repeats over and over and i cant do anything, and i complain so much more when i dont even have any real issues, yet they never xomplain until they actually feel like theyre dying and i just feel so Stupid and Self-centered. i hope they text me back soon, i feel like ive been pestering too much

thinking about asking some Adults for help with another issue, but idk if thats stupid or uncalled for or anything. i just dont feel like i know what to do or how to do anything, and im probably not supposed to because i am young and still mentally developing but i still feel stupid. been wondering if i should ask for the past two months, so at this point i doubt i will. ever

im so scared for summer, and im hoping its good, but im really scared its not going to be. my Anger Issues or whatever always get so much worse when the heat comes out and its brighter for longer, and every summer since like 4 years ago, its just gotten worse and worse. last summer i think i was consistently hurting myself/ going insane at least every week or so, sometimes more frequently. so worried for what will become of me. plus, i feel like i wont have any free time over the summer which is really scary too. wondeirng if i should just Stop working, but i know thats an unrealistic idea

but i am so ready for school to be over. i cant wait to see my friends more often in a place that Doesnt make me go insane. gonna go to bed now, i have an appointment in the morning. i hope my friends feel better soon, i hate thinking about how much theyre suffering

omg heavy metal lover by lady gaga is sooo good... i cant get over it. like all her music is such good skatibg music omg. hoping to get to a rink this weekend but Idk if itll happen... hoping the rain wont make it too hard to drive there

speaking of driving, got my driving thing set up yahoo !! i havent.... started yet... but its Ready 4 me !!

i should not be writing this rn. i have a physics test within like a week and i dont understand whats happening... Yikes !!

i want to go skate outside today, but it is supposed to rain all afternoon

i cant wiat to listen to more Lady Gaga

i think i will crochet today. i want to make a hat for my dad before he leaves this weekend

ughhh i wish i had more time in thye day. so much stuff i want to do, more stuff i have to do..

i love rollerskating so much !!! went outside again yesterday, and scratched both my knees when i fell ONCE and then i hwas forced to get kneepads and elbow pads and wrist guards. which is good but im still kinda annoyed abt it. they make me feel so uneven and Unnatural when skating. plus they didnt even help earlier LOLZ !

went out again today to like a sidewalk around a park and it was fun but i fell SO MUCH ! i have so many scratches now omgg. kinda crazy. but then i ecided to wear my elbow guards later and i didnt fall Once so i guess thats good !

i also got the CUTEST skating bag !! and i want to Paint/Sticker up my gear bc i think itd be cute. thinking abt getting toe guards tho bc i slipped and the boot of my skates got GRATED OFF a little and i got sad :( but wtv ! better the skate than me LOL

ugh i dont want to go to school tomorrow. this week is gonna be sooo stressful but at least im probz not working tomorrow. yay ! still gotta get on that Study Grind tho lolol !!

i also really need to work on my flexibility !! theres so many cool tricks i want to try but i def wanna be able to stretch and not Pull a muscle or anything. Also wanna work on my leg strength so i can do the one leg thing !! which is super cool and im Very excited to start like. Training i guess ?? idk but its super cool !!

omg today was soooo fun !!! woke up pretty late and had some Unexpectedly tasty coffee ! then did some crocheting, started watching jerma play detroit become human, and then went to my grandmother;s house

passover starts tomorrow night, and almost all the fam is here right now. so we went over to have some Pre-Passover delights and OMGGGG IT WAS SO FUN !!!

went to the park with my cousin, his wife, and their baby, and i skated around ! first outdoor skating with my new skates, and it was so good !! i had a BLAST

then we went abck for lunch and OMGGG IT WAS SO GOODDDDD. and then we had tea and it was Fire !!!

then i went home and decided i wanted to skate some more ! so i went to a parking lot nearby and i SKATED MY HEART OUT... IT WAS SO MUCH FUN !!! also so nearby and i just walked back home it was EPIC !

also ive been getting like... Weirdly into lady gaga lately... like why is so much of her Older music so BANGINGGG omg !!!

so scared for tomorrow. i have a meeting to go over my DOGSHIT english essay with my teacher in the morning, and then a mathq uiz i Dont feel prepared for afterwards... yikes. hopefully all is good tho ! I will hope.

anyways im gonna go relax and play some animal crossing. Or do smth else, but i def wanna relax !! my body is so Sore for some reason lolz ! i cant wait to skate some more soon :)

im supposed to be researching and studying right now, but i feel so dead ngl. my brain hurts and i need a harddd reset. i hope i dont go Crazy when i get home

i hate school so much. actually sucks how much i dislike it, life would be so much easier if i enjoyed school.. whatever

i hope i get to crocheting today. i really want to stitch my bag together !!! hopefully i will. maybe i will make my pencil case, though. i have been really wanting to do that, maybe ill go to joann's later

i also really want a yummy drink, but ive had tasty bevs for the past 3 days... so. but my mouth tastes so gross and everything i say and feel is not real, so many i should, just to feel something

at least next week will be easy. no work on monday, or on wednesday, and im staying home from school on tuesday

ok i will get back to studying. im just bored and looking for smth to do. and these books smell so gross

omgggg i want to rollerskate so bad rn. i hope i can get to a rink this weekend, omg i want to skate so bad !!! I want to learn how to spin and be better at backwards and learn sooo many things ogm omg omg !!!

got a yummy bev AND poke bowl today !!! Thumbs up.

also learning how to spin !!! YAHOO !!! going pretty well honestly ! was super scared in the beginning but im getting more used to it :)

hoping to leave house early tomorrow to get some hw done @ cafe. have a Decent amount of crap to do, and i procrastinated all of today, so its kinda necessary LOLZ ! hope it doesnt stress me out tho

also hoping work is easy, and i am Courageous enough 2 ask coworkers 4 help w/ math. idk... worried tho..

at least ill probably get to go to roller rink after work tomorrow YAY !!! relaced my purple vistas and theyre SOOOO CUTE ! used some yellow laces, and it matches the gold on the logo on the tongue ! plus reminds me of rapunzel haha !

ok gonna try and go to bed so im not too tired tomorrow. gnight !

so overwhelmed, and for like... no reason. school isnt even particualrly bad, i just dont want 2 do ANYTHING... which kinda sucks butt but whatever. we'll get thru it maybe

besides being stressed, ive been weirdly on edge. im hoping the weekend will fix it, but i keep feeling so nervous and like i need to walk on eggshells

dunno what im gonna do this weekend. mayeb i will go rollerskate with friend, but idk. that would be fun, but idk if theyll want to. plus my feet have been hurting too much. i got nre skates, but im too scared to use them @ home, so ive just been going even harder with my amazon skates, and theyreeee.... not holding up too well !! the bridges of my feet have been hurting a lot worse than normal, which sucks. excited to use my new vistas this weekend tho !!

ughhh i am so tired. cant wait to get home tomorrow. maybe ill work on stitching my bag yay !! ok goodnight

omg summer cant come soon enough... i hate schoolso much u guys omg. i should be granted a diploma Rn so i dont have to do this anymore. and i can spend the next two years being funny

figured out how to go backwards on roller skates !!! kind of stupid but Omg i was sooooo scared to start, so glad i finally did ! still VERY bad @ it but im figuring it out !!

feeling VERY Hearted and Appreciated and Enjoyed by friend rn 😃😃😃😃😃😃😃 . i feel Amazing. I love validation

also been crocheting for a long time today !! finished 9 of my 13 flowers, getting ready to do the last 4 soon :) super easy and fun and im really enjoying it ! also got a Java Chip Frappuccino and it was SO YUMMY and kept me awake

school today was fine. nothing special. im working tomorrow and the day after, though, and i hope theyre Ok days bc i Dont think i can handle another bad week !!!

wondering why my Emotions have been so out of wack for the past month. like. a lot more than normal. hoping its Just a Phase and doesnt keep getting worse bc that woudl SUCK !!

also FROZEN BLUEBERRIES ARE SO SO SO SO SO SO SOOOOOOOOO AMAZIMG !!! i forget how Spectacular they are but Omg... frozen blueberries are a god-given gift

spent like 2 hours roller skating earlier today !! i had a blast omg ! also went to buy myself some like. specialty skates because my amazon ones were Kindaa getting ratty and they did NOT feel good to skate on !!

ended up getting the jackson vistas in purple !!! and i am in LOVE omg ! compared to my old ones, these are sooo smooth and comfy ! they also DONT HURT MY FEET AFTER SKATING FOR MORE THAN 10 MINUTES ???? which is an epic plus !

honestly motivated to get my license now ! the rink i like is a twenty minute drive, and id feel bad if i had to get my mom to drive me every time i wanted to go when i Could drive. plus, summer is probably a good time to learn anyway, and thats coming up soon !

have to study soon though. i hate how i never have enough time in the week to do stuff i like, but oh well. i havent crocheted in so long it makes me so sad :( mayeb after i study i can find smth good to watch and crochet for the bag i want !

i want to learn So Many Cool Rollerskating tricks ! my mum suggested i sign up for roller derby, and i might ask a girl from school abt it bc i think she does it ! so that might be cool

ok gonna go learn abt imperialism in asia now LOLZ byebyeeee !

Ok i kinda get the appeal of social media rn... i REALLY want 2 find some Super Nice Skater Friends but like... Where !? but i also dunno if social media would rly help with that... idk maybe i just need 2 go 2 the rink more and just let friendships naturally form but dang... i kinda get it now

i am in such a Not Studying mood rn. like i genuinely would rather do ANYTHING ELSE.... why does school have to be every week. i feel like i have no time to myself omg. and summer wont even feel like summer for half of it bc i have classes !!! and a JOB !!! ugh poopoo. whatever, we live and we ball i guess ? idk, been feeling kinda super unmotivated lately. like... rly unmotivated. i just want 2 do fun things !!! and buy fun stuff !!

been feeling so old lately too. like.. i know technically im still a kid, but i def Do Not look like a kid, and honestly i dont Act like a kid, and i dont do any Kid things, so... at this point its kinda not appicable to me.

my friend was telling me the other day that i am still a kid, and theres no rush to grow up and i should enjoy this time i can spend as a freeloader, and i guess but idk. i really feel like i have all the adult pressures on top of the school pressures and pressures of growing up, that at this point id really just rather have only one category. but idk, maybe i just need to let loose a little

jesussssssss i dont want to go to school tomorrow. i really really just want to roller skate honestly. its gonna consume my mind i swear, and its gonna be so bad. i cant wait for summer

so tired even tho ive had caffeine like all day. my head hurts and my body hurts but at least im not rotting in bed ! out at cafe w/ friend

i think i want to start drawing a lot more. i think it would be a good way to get all these Feelings out w/o going insane with them in my head

I Want 2 Start Journaling !!!!! I should just start ngl, i think waiting to buy smth that i might not even purchase is kind of stupid. but who knows at this point lolz !

i dont know how i feel lately. was looking @ one of those Emotion Charts and i didnt resonate with anything on it

i feel like stale bread. i need 2 fix it but Whateverrrrr..

i got a 96 on math test ! yay

i want 2 write and draw and be creative. but i Cant rn

i am so tired, but at least i feel better

used 2 say irls dont read but i kinda dont care anymore

last night i meant to have dinner, but i was just so tired i went to bed. then i woke up at 2 again b/c the melatonin wore off and then paced around my room for a couple hours

had the worst dreams. lost something and had to call the person and beg to get it back and my dad was driving me and i kept throwing up outside the window, but it was just bile and it would get stuck in my mouth and i would throw up more

then, when i went back to bed, i dreamed i was in line behind this lady. and she turned around and grabbed my neck in her hands. and i woke up because it hurt in real life, but the pain and the lady didnt go away. and i thought i was going to die and it was hard to breath and my neck ached, like an elephant was sitting on my windpipe. deserved, ig

my mom brought me my favorite coffee this morning, and it tasted gross. i dont know why.

work last night sucked and i felt like such a failure. i dont deserve to have a job, i dont deserve a break. ugh.

i would make a days clean page, but it would always be at 0

my body and my brain hurt so bad. i havent done anything to make myself happy in a long time. i need to feel better

i have been wishing and wishing i could turn back time and get those blades rhe other day. i wish i hadnt put them back

i started annotating my ugly copy of extremely loud and incredibly close. i forgot how sad this book is. oskar also has a list of things that make him upset

i am going to fail everything and every class. everything is too much. i dont know how to stabilize.

isolating sounds reallyyyy good rn. splitting goes Hard. n everything is making it so easy 2 do that, and not feel bad. justfabylous

why was no one gonna tell me isoklating was so easy... like what the freak. this is gonna b so devastating, but might delete skype off my computer. just cut contact completely.

was thinking abt making a date and planning and stuff. was walking thru the halls at school thinking i cant keep living like this, but its honestly just going to get worse. and i dont think anything is gonna change. and honestly i think anything would be better than this at this point

i hope ive been distant enough not to hurt anyone tho. that would be fucking awful. i really hope no one actually cares about this stupid shadow of a person. very unlikely, but im still hoping no one does

i miss when we would talk for ages and stay up for hours and laugh and laugh and everything was normal and i trusted and i cared and i was sweet and kind and understanding. i miss being friends. i miss having real, good friends, i miss having people that understood what i was going through. i miss being normal

starting to realize why i got ghosted. i dont deserve 2 talk to people honestly

oh my god i forgot how out of control my brain gets when i dont Eat Well... omg. that was awful. i never quite got just how bpdcoded happy days by ghost was, but omg. i totally see it now. i actually thought they wanted me dead... omg.

that was AWFUL. i never want to feel that way again holyyyy shit. ive never been so close to like... actually kmsing...... oh lord. gosh i need 2 work on myself so much omg

Irls cant read !!!! Irls Unallowed.

bleh. feeling so bad and gross honestly. berrete by zoe is sooo good tho omg. Love it so much.

went to bed as soon as i got home last night b/c exploded and felt disgusting. woke up at 2 am and paced for two hours, and went back to bed. barely ate yesterday but honestly wasnt hungry which was Crazy. feeling still gross tho, and most of my friends are gone today

feeling just SO immature and unqualified @ work rn. dunno why or what changed, but i feel so Stupid and Bad and Wrong. what the freak..

school is picking up tho, which is kinda nice. using nice pens to study and take notes IS pretty nice. but idk. i still feel Disgusting

i cant wait to be an adult and feel Comfortable in normal situations. hate being Young but Old, stupid but 'smart', ugly AND ugly and gross. cant wait to not have to be like this. hate being an oxymoron of a person

feeling a little bit better. i really really really want a journal, and i really want it now. i want a scrapbook and i want to write about everything using my favorite stationary. i want a physical website, and i dont care if it sounds kind of stupid. i need it now and i need to be able to write everything down and not have to worry about what other people think i want to be able to write and write and have a nice place to do it. it would be so very nice and helpful and reassuring. but they are too expensive, and shipping is too long

and i dont have the money and what if i dont want it and i just cannot risk wasting 150 dollars on something i might not use. even if the chance that i will not use it is very very low.

i hate how now that ive finally decided to actually use my money for things i like im being shut down from it. its taken me like 2 years to get to the point where i can buy things i want because i dont have anything else to use it for, but now im not supposed to

ugh. and i hate that it is stupid to spend so much money. i just hate how i can never have a happy medium

got another jetpens order today !!! very happy with EVERYTHING i received !! i really really like uni ball ones, i think i have 8 now ?? and i also got the sarasa clip in bordeaux purple, which is AMAZING ! and i got a superb highlighter, a really inky black rollerball pen, and an EXCELLENT whiteboard marker !!

i really want to get into filofaxes/ day planners i think theyre called ??? basically kind of a Binder Diary. i think they seem SO MUCH FUN to do ! i would love to have the creativity of doing that honestly. gonna sound super Screenager of me but it reminds me of having a website but on paper, like a physical website i guess ??? i love the idea of scrapbooking, and im finally getting enough things to feel like it would be achievable !!

also getting a lot into like. paper studying and using paper to like... do things i guess ??? idk but its really been helping me get into a studying mindset. esp with good stationery, it really is nice to just study with nice pens and stuff. also started using a physical planner for school, and its VERY fulfilling !!

anyways, back to the filofax. all of the organizers ive been looking at are so EXPENSIVE !??!??! like. annoyingly so.. but whatever. ill just have to keep looking for stuff i guess. maybe ill get myself an End Of School Gift or smth. maybe ill save up until then and Splurge on some scrapbooking things ! ive wanted a mini printer for a while now too, so that might honestly be a good idea.

ive also been seeing SO MANY CUTE PINTEREST PINS of these people's planners and theyre so inspiring !! i think having a Personal Physical Website would be really fun. basically the same as neocities, but im not burning my eyes, and its a little easier maybe ? plus i can probably be a little more... personal and stuff. that idea REALLY excites me ngl. hope it doesnt keep me awake tonight lolz !

alrighty, its getting late and i Kinda have to get up early tomorrow So. have work tomorrow, which is kinda annoying, but its whatever i guess. will hopefully be fine. anyways, good night !!

NEVER EVER EVER ISOLATING. I LOVE LIFE. I LOVE EVERYTHING I LOEV HAVING FRIENDS I LOVE HAVING MONEY I LOVE SCHOOL I LOVE HAVING A JOB I LOVE HAVING A BODY I LOVE HAVING EARS I LOVE MY EYES I LOVE EVERYTHING

i havent felt this AMAZING IN SO LONG OMG !!!!! Im so happy. i feel elated

had such a fun time today !!! before work, i went to starbucks to study before, and i got so much done !! also feeling very inspired for my english paper. yay !!

then work was fine. very slow and easy. it was nice !!! peaceful

then met up with Friend !!!!!!!!! Went 2 a record show, and i didnt buy anything, but it was super cool !!! didnt really know any of the records or musicians there, but everyone was super sweet even if i didnt know everything. a very big teenager momebt LOL !

thennnn we went 2 a STATIONARY STORE and OMG. THEY HAD SO MUCH STUFF THAT WAS AMAZING IT WAS SO COOL !!!!!! bought 3 uni ball ones, and a notebook. then next door i got ANOTHER notebook that im planning to use as a planner for the rest of this school year. will be great !!! hopefully it keeps me accountable. one of the notebooks is a beige, and the other is a Vibrant Salmon ! i got beige, pistachio, and mint uni ball ones, and then a black hi tec c pen !!! very happy with all my purchases.

Ummmm irls Pls skip the next Chunk :)

at the store i got the second notebook, i was so tempted to get a blade. there was a pack of two for 2 bucks, and i was SO ready 2 purchase it. but it gave me such a bad feeling, and i just decided not to get it. felt weird getting a Tool w/ a friend. idk. i also feel like i would be like.... i would be Cheating if i used a tool... idk. stupid feeling, and also wrong but idk. i think it would feel like i was Cheating @ hurting myself LOLZZZZ. i guess its for the best tho

anyways ! Irls welcome BACK !!! i am SO HAPPY RN. Omg. we also got CREPES ????? AND THEY WERE SOOOOO DELISH DELISH AMAZING i got a BANANA NUTELLA ONE it was so yummy. delicious. and then i got Coffee Boba it was FIRE !!!!

and then the rest of the time we kinda just talked. idk i got Super eepy tho so i went home Kinda early ish

anyways, it was such a great day. All that suffering was SO worth it Omg. OH and this lady complimented my bag that i made !!! i took my sunflower bag with me, and we talked abt it bc i told her i MADE it and she was so impressed :)

ALSO i want 2 get into the DumbPhones community !!! its on reddit... um.... but ITS SO NEAT !! i spend wayyy too much time on my phone, and i super want to cut back. maybe ill try it over the summer lol !

anyways, im really tired. gonna try and rest LOL ! my legs are so sore and honestly my arms are too... no clue why. gotta get back on that STUDY GRIND tomorrow tho, so...

im feeling better, i think. but not in a good way, and idk why. im doing everything i can to Be better and fix what can be fixed but idk... not feeling too great

just constantly in a state of disgust at myself, for no good reason either. ughhh at least tomorrow is friday. and then i have work on saturday

normally i meet up w/ friend on saturday but idk. might not let myself this weekend. i have too much to study and too much to do and i honestly do Not deserve to feel good. ugh we'll see

people at school Keep Commenting Abt The Scratches All Over Me !!!!! sucks that ive started wearing a shorter uniform skirt, now my Thigh is visible. and like... everyone believes what im saying but still... Yikes !!!! scary dawg

even my mom Saw and Believed my stupid excuse.... Omg. which is good but Omg !!! Nervewracking !!!

i need 2 be in an event where my Mortality is questioned, bc i cant keep living like this. everyday is the same with a stupid routine and all the time passes all too fast and nothing feels fulfilling anymore. i feel like some random european book that's translated ten times over is are just a shell of the prior meaning; i need to learn the mother tongue

everything Ticks me off, and everything Beeps my radar. so stressed and nervous and just scatterbrained and bad

been listening to splitter girl a ton recently. forgot how good of a song it is, and im completely enamored

back on friend topic: I feel awful abt everything, but i think i Legit just need to like not push. like just kind of... just kind of deal and go along with the fraying friendships and the decaying bonds. i want to cry everytime i think about it

im hoping this weekend will give me rest

what the hell, man. why do i have to have the most outrageous Mood Swings for no reason at all. or i guess there Is a reason, but its the stupidest thing ive ever heard in my entire life

i want to get a brain scan. i would like to know if theres actually something physiologically wrong with me, or if im jsut a bitch. that would be so helpful, i need to know why im like this

last night i Confided in friend how insane id been feeling, and they told me that no matter what i did they would Still be my friend but Idk.... #Skeptical.... i think if i knew that the reason my friend was going insane relapsing n shit was that i was hanging out with OTHER PEOPLE i think i would def be a little repelled... maybe. Idk. its so stupid, and i know its stupid, but it feels so so real and like such a big deal

they also told me right after i confided that it was the Bpd talking to me, and i havent thought abt that in a long time. like a few months out maybe. which is crazy, and i thought i haf gotten so so so much better, but i guess i havent. i guess im still as insane as ever

I think i should probably be on some sort of mood stabilizers. but then again, WHat if this is just Normal Teenage Experience ??? what if im just exaggerating evetything. Ugh im so stupid-Bitchcore

for good news i finished all the flowers for my bag yay ! just got to do the leaves and borders but i did the hard part so yayyyy

ugh i feel disgusting gross. not excited to shower, everything is gonna BURN and im gonan feel like such a disappointment.. Ugh. too hot to ahve 2 wear long sleeves :(

the one really good thing i keep remarking about is the crochet hooks i got. they were SO expensive (100 dollars..) but i am so so so happy i got them. ten hooks, 2 darning needles, a very nice pair of sewing scissors, and a cute adorable case make it feel worth it to me. i am trying to tell myself this Suffering is paying for the hooks, and i willl be back to normal as soon as the exchange is through. i didnt want to spend all the money, but i am so glad i did. spent all day crocheting and watching video essays on youtube, and my day was honestly pretty fine. i just feel really bad right now, and thats all i remember now

i am so bad at remembering any feeling other than what i know right now. i wish i could remember emotions better

goodbye for now. hopefully i start feeling clean again

i feel ill, but not sick. just overall mentally foggy and cloudy and drained and sludged and clogged

i should be ok, but something is wrong, and i dont know what. today was a good day; i had a good morning and i got something i really wanted (my tulip etimo crochet hooks. which, by the way, are loveky, and everything i had hoped and more), and had a good drink, and met up with a friend. yet i still feel disgusting

i dont feel any better than yesterday, yet everything that should have been a problem should be 'fixed' now

but i guess its worse, and my worries have been confirmed, andi just have to let it be. and i am going to be so bad and so sad but it will have to remember

again, this happened once before, and i got better from it. but i guess i havent, and i still feel hurt by it. but i guess that was different, but not enough for it to really matter. both caused by me being a blundering attention seeking idiot

maybe i just need to go home and sleep for a bit. or maybe i just need to be left alone for a little bit. i dont know what i need to change, but i know i have to change it soon. ive felt like this for the better part of a few weeks, and it needs to stop. i feel like a curved sheet of metal is being pushed into me on all sides while both me and the metal are being pushed through a gigantic tube too small to fit me. and the sheet's topside is all torn up so the metal sharp bits are poking out and penetrating deep into my skin against the pushing of the tube, and theyre all covered with rust, infecting me with the sepsis i so deserve, but the tube constricts my skin, not letting any blood flow out. it will be a long death. i hope i dont go back on made of styrofoam tonight, but i think i will

goodbye for now. hopefully i feel better soon

so scared for my history test. ahve ti in a few hours, so worried

might cut my hair later

i feel really bad and i dont know why. like theres a stack of bricks in my stomach. its unnerving, and unsettling. today was too calm a day for such bad feelings. i worry something will happen over the weekend

i finished the curious incident of the dog in the nighttime and i cried. i feel disgusting. i have only listened to one playlist today

my head hurts

Nvm we are SO BACK i ordered the tulip etimo crochet hook set for myself Yaya !!!! down 100 bucks but Up 100 points in mood so Yaya !!!

did so much studyig today. probably like 2-3 hours at least. crazy for my standards LOL ! so scared for this history test, man. my grade is Teetering on a measly 0.4 points. i need 2 do well on this

need 2 work on my.... idk. rejection sensitivity i guess ?? idk. not sure if thats right, but how Upset and Paranoid and Worried and Uncomfortable i get when i think someone is being Mean when theyre actually just saying No or saying Sorry i cant !! its so stupid of me and makes me seem so freaking rude and stuff. i just need 2 Regulate my Emotions better or whatever. but omg that feeling or whatever is so so so so bad omg

ALSO need 2 work on the fact that My Friends Can Have Other Friends !!!! Im not the ONLY FUNNY PERSON ON THIS PLANET and my Stupid Brain gets so paranoid. i need 2 realize people can have Better friends than me. I need 2 work on making friends. i guess i just need to work on Relationships and how i talk to people

i wish i had everything figured out, but i dont, and i probably wont ever. but idk. it just makes me so Uncomfortable and Anxious and Upset. so much Bad things i cant Explain in words !!!!

this has been kind of a stupid entry so far. anyways, today i went to the grocery store alone !! for the second time (at this store), but it was so fun !! i could basically get anything i wanted. i got some bananas, bell peppers, crackers, pistachios, yogurt, oatmeal, and some little cream cheese bites ! i love shopping. i cant wait when running errands can be part of my Daily Life :)

i have work tomorrow and the day after. im really hoping its ok, and that i get let out early tomorrow. i have too much studying to do :( my test is on thursday last period though, so i guess i have time. i just hope work is easy, and Not Stressful !!!

started working on my new bag !! its going to a rose bag. my colors are Sooo cute and the flower pattern is so far SO MUCH FUN !!! i forgot if i talked about this before. oh well

i really do like this clean desk. kind of want to decorate it. the white mixed with the yellow lighting is 100% headache environment, but i could always just do my work in the day when the sun is out.

anyways, im gonna get 2 working on some other stuff now. i have to finish this flower, then write today's diary entry (offline !), and do my duolingo. and go to bed early, to get up tomorrow lol !

thanks for reading !! i hope your day today is marvelous and restful and you see something unexpectedly lovely tomorrow (:

yesterday was a crazyyy day. i woke up at 4 am (!!!) and couldnt go back to bed. Yayyy ! so slept probz about 5 hrs that night, and still had 2 go to work in the morning

i got out of bed at about 7 (after watching youtube shorts for Two and a Half Hours..) and showered. felt like i was gonna FALL OVER it was rough

then i went downstairs to make myself breakfast. first everything was going ok, and i got the eggs out of the fridge. my first one, i dropped a piece of the shell into the pan. no matter, i said, and i fishd it out. then, the second egg was ROTTEN and i had to throw both eggs out and clean the pan. Big Annoyance.

then i found the newer eggs and made my breakfast, and i couldnt flip the eggs well and they were overcooked so the yolk was all Stiff and the egg was crumpled. Another annoyance

then, when i was on my way to work, i started Crying in the car because i thought i was gonna be late (I Wasnt) and then i went to work, which was fine. exhausted, and almost fell asleep, but it was fine

the rest of yesterdat was ok tho ! got home and napped and ate chicken and rice (w/ soy sauce. Mmmmmm Yummy) and went out with Friend !

we went and got BOBAAAAAAAAA and i got fat straws matcha milk tea with boba (it was SO DELISH omg i will dream of that) and then watched some youtube shorts i Encountered during the mroning (IT WAS SO FUNNY) and then watched kung fu panda 4 !

spoiler alert: it was an ok movie. nothing to write home about, but it was entertaining. my fave parts were with po's dads, they were So cute and silly omg !! but some kids in the row behind us were on their phones the whole time. Yikes..

today, though, WAS SUCH A GOOD DAY !!! started off the day waking up Well REsted !! or at least as well rested as i can be Lol. and then my breakfast was PERFECT !??!?! like the eggs were cooked PERFECTLY the yolks were still gooey and tasty and texturally interesting and i had them on bagel which elevated it SO MUCH OMGGG ! and then i had 2 do some math (it was fine tho), and then i Rollerskated !!

then i went 2 joann's because i wanted 2 mke myself a nice little pastel bag ! so i found a pattern for a rose granny square (IT IS SOOOO CUTE OMG IM SO EXCITED) and i went to joanns to pick my yarn ! found some ADORABLE cotton yarn in lilac, pink, and light blue for the roses, and some nice emerald green for the leaves. So Cute !!

hmmm and then i deepcleaned my desk!! i really need 2 raise up some of my grades, and i think Elevating my personal space is a good way to help with that. clean space, clean mind i guess ?? idk but i hope it motivates me !

and now its 7:33 and i meant 2 do a lot more today but oh well. im happy with the stuff i did do so thats nice ! kinda upset i havent worked on this site all day though... oh well

anyways, gonna try and Relax before school tomorrow Lol ! toodles !!

Ummm heads up for my Irl friends ! If u read this, just know the Middle Part is not abt u ! dw about it Pals ! or maybe just dont read the part abt that LOL

OK anywaysssss omg the wifi at my house has been SO BAD LATELY... cant use it for more than like 20 minutes without it going crazy and offline... actually super annoying, esp when im IN THE MIDDLE OF WORKING ON MY SITE.... but its ok. most of the time its back up within like 15 minutes so

been feeling abnormally shameful and... guilty ? not quite sure what im feeling, but its not very nice. dont even know the cause, which is even more poopoo

also been feeling Abandoned and Separated from my friends lately. dont rly know why. well, for a couple i dont know. a couple i know, but the reasons are stupid. theyre either 1) i feel Disconnected or like someone is Better Friends w/ them than i am or 2) i feel like im Hurting them. both of which are pretty Annoying and could DEF be fixed with communiction but the first one feels stupid, and the second one... i dont know. i thijnk the 2nd is irrational but i dont know

ALSO been feeling... stupid ? and dumb. and idiotic. all synonyms i guess. idk, my grades havent dropped significantly and there is LEGIT NOT A CAUSE... but i still feel abhorrently ignorant. i hope it passes soon, or i hope i fix it

POOPOO my wifi just went out. welp, i can keep writing this. just gotta make sure 2 save it later

i also think work might have something to do with it. everytime i go i feel a little more qualified and then suddenly much less qualified, and it is so annoying. like. I need myself to either take this job and think im Ok at it or not !!! I cant deal with this back and forth

i hope i can do smth fun tomorrow. ive felt really stale this week. need it 2 go away :(

thanks 4 reading ! have a great rest of your day or evening and stay safe, love all yall !!

today during study hall me and a couple of friends started talking about writing letters ! and then we gpt the idea that next year we should start a LETTER WRITING PENPAL CLUB !!! i think it would be SO MUCH FUN and kinda give me an excuse to write letters (which ive been meaning to do for AGES !) and it would be SO FUN !!

also ANOTHER FRIEND AT SCHOOL 3D PRINTED ME A JERMA AND A PYRO !?????! OMG !??!?!?! I WAS SO HAPPY AND THANKFUL AND OMGGGG IT WAS SO COOL !!! Legit props 2 them. They r my FAVE Person rn OMG ITS SO COOL I HAVE A LITTLE JERMA AND A LITTLE PYRO ON MY DESK OMG OMG OMG

work today was Weird. first like hr was a little wild but last hour was fine so it was ok. there was a new guy there today and i Know he is in high school bc he was wearing one of the uniforms. i wonder if hes nice

also they like... messed up the schedule or smth ?? and they thought i was supposed 2 get there at THREE PM !?? (reminder im in school until 4 ???) and until 8 ????? which os weird. weekdays i always do 4:30-7 so its weird that it was different today. oh well, they told me not to worry so.

not really sure what else happened. i have next next saturday off of work bc of easter which is super SUPER nice !!

hmmmmmm ok ! have a good day u guys !!

quick post but MY 100 GEC SHIRT CAME IN THE MAIL YAHOO !!! ITS SO COMFORTABKE AND ACTUALLY FITS LIEK NICE OMG ! RLY SUPER HAPPY ABOUT IT !!!

also just want 2 say i REALLY want to get back into reading. Like super bad. started the curious incident of the dog in the nighttime and i like it a lot so far tho !!

just wanted 2 pop in and say i mad ethe YUMMIEST oatmeal pudding !! and i topped it with some peanut butter and choco chips and OMG IT WAS DELECTABLE !!! Ok goodnight i have 2o much 2 do tomorrow i do Not want 2 gp back 2 real job :(

got home at like 6:30pm last night. drive was abt 13 hrs, and we left at 5:14 am ! very sad to leave but i was getting Super eepycore ngl. kept sleeping horrible @ our rental place but. i miss the beach already !!! i miss the sand on my toes and the water waves and the little crabs and creatures and shells :( i so dont want school to start tomorrow

on the drive we got starbies in the morn ! my bev was kinda bad tho (i got the lavender oatmilk latte and it kinda just made me nauseous..) but we saw a Cybertruck there which was Wilddd !

wearing one of the sweaters i got before the vacay and its SO COMFY ???? it has a Nic Ovsersized fit on me and its super cozy and comfy ! and the zipper curling is down to a minimum Yippee !

we're picking my dog up from her doggie hotel in like an hour. cant wait to see her again ! all the pictures the lady sent showed her looking SO DIRTY tho so she has a grooming appt after we get her

i also had the most FIREEEE breakfast today !! 2 eggs on Toast (w/ salt and everything but bagel seasoning) and a glass of orange juice it was SO FABULOUS !!! Found a new everyday breakfast yippee !

ive been adding so much to this site recently it makes me so happy ! i love crafting new pages and im so glad i got a lot of new ideas over my travels. thanks 4 reading !!

i am havign THE BEST TIME RN OMG !!!! we arrived lateee last night, like 6:30 or smth, and the drive before was honestly not bad !!! played a ton of videogames, started a hat for my dad, listened to a bunch of podcasts, talked 2 friend, and rested. it was SO FUN !!!! i wanted a good bev the whole ride but didnt get one :( it was fine tho, everything was super fun !!!

and then today (after i slept for ELEVEN HRS !??!?!) we went 2 the beach !!! for a longg time too, probably like 4-5 hours today it was so fun ! the weather is also pretty amazing ngl, not too hot but not too cold. perfect weather for me its so nice !!!

hoping to go to some stores or smth tomorrow ! i want to buy some little things. I Want To Purchase. also get a yummy bev !! might look for coffee shops Slash bubble tea Slash idk some other drink that i like !! we have some rly good chai latte powder here tho, so i might just have that cuz its DELISH !!

alrighty, i have a SUPERB idea for a new page i want to make !! gonna try and get that Right lol. see u for now !!

our rental car is just Not here. even tho we ordered it like a week ago, and everything was confirmed, they dont have it. which is just so stupid i dont understand how that can even happen.... ugh

everyone's stressing out rn. my mom needs to figure out how to get a minivan in 6 hours, my sister is being a little bitch abt getting her nails done, and i just dont know whats happening anymore

we leave in like 15 hrs, and our VEHICLE is not here and i have No clue whats gonna happen. worst comes to worse we get cramped in an suv, but that would honestly be annoying. would also probably mean that we have 2 bring even less clothes and stuff... yikes

honestly worst case scenario would be fine i think. just annoying, but what else is new. i dont think any of my vacations have ever gone perfectly without a hitch. whatever, itll be an experience at least >>

all done packing, and dropped my dog at her dogsitter like an hour ago. just need to get some last minute stuff packed away, and i should be all ready. at least, my suitcase will be ready, ill have 2 get my backpack all together tomorrow morning. my stuff needs to charge lol !

will hopefully bring my laptop so i can do some coding. weather where im going is supposed to be pretty dreary but its ok, will be a nice change of scenery. and dont have to go to work yay !

school conferences went by smoothly. my advisor said everything looked good in my planning, and im on the right track which is rly nice

gonna go check how things r going. worried, but i think we'll manage

got everything sorted out yaya !!! probz gonna put my laptop away after i finish writing this. we got our car, and its so spacious !! friend coming over probz in an hour, i cant wait !!! its gonna be such an amazingggg trip omg !!!!!

anyways, i might edit this on the road tomorrow. might make a new post but Idk how hard that is to do on phone lol ! but its ok, im so excited !!!! see u when im in a different place !!

been listening to a lot of music recebtly. currently listening to nekomata'97 by nanoray, pretty bomb !!!

today was a weird day. school was fine. thinking abt taking ap stats next yr instead of comp sci, but it seems rly hard. might ask my math teacher what she thinks, but i know sje'll tell me nto to take stats Lol

got a response from one of the opthamologists !! he said i might be able to shadow this summer, but probably not intern. YAYYAYAYAY IM SO EXCITED !!!!!!!!! i hope it rly is possible omg id be so excited

other than that, i had to leave school early today (Appt.) and it was rly weird. glad though, the room i was in was Sooo noisy. might just Perma move where i sit during study hall becayse i Cant. i have enough screaming the rest of the day, cant have it during study hall....

anyways, spring break is so close !!! i just have to make it thru the next 2 days, and im home free !!! tomorrow should be easy, coming to school late bc of another appt, and then have spanish test, but thats it. also am donating 3 scarves and a hat tomorrow yippee !!

thursday should also be fine. im just hoping that work is easy, thats the one unknown i have in my schedule coming up. because i wont really ahve to worry about he, since i cant get anymore this week (no hw break yippee !!)

have GOT to start packing tho ngl. or at least Outfit planning. im really excited for this trip !! but i have a feeling friday is gonna be stressful, gonan ahve 2 pack like all day. but its ok ! Friend is comign over on friday to SLEEP OVER bc we r leaving Earrrrrly morning saturday !! so excited. actually cant wait, feel like HOPPING AROUND !!!

last note: this is post 99 ! wonder if post 100 will be anything special. idk, but its crazy to believe ive made 100 posts !!!

gonna work on my next hat now. want to finish it b4 friday so i dont have to take it with me ! and i can start something new on the road Lolz. see ya !

didnt update much yesterday, was busy pretty much all day !! had work in the morning, which was fine, and then panini picked me up from work Yahoo !!!

we went to daiso to get some snacks 4 VACAY (i got like 3 different bags of hi-chews LOL) and i also bought some yarn and a cute little cord pouch !! want to put some pins on it, but i dont really have any :(

after that, we got boba !! i got a mango milk tea which was good but like. Warm. and the like mango syrup was kinda like curdley. but it was still soo yummy !! also spent like 15 dollars at that place bc my drink was SO EXPENSIVE ($7 !??) and there was a claw machine !! i won a little tiger guy he's really fun. the stripes looked sharpied on, and his nose is too big. he's so funny, so like... idk. so special, i will take him on the vacay !

then we went to park !! we stayed there for like an hour and a half just talking and watching the ducks. that park is always crazy, there was a boy like throwing bird seed into the pond, some little toddler trying to get a duck to fall in the water, some guys playing some game with a trampoline and a ball (??? they were also yelling so). but it was so fun !!

then... idk. i kinda forgot what happened LOL ! we tried to watch a few different shows (there's a show on netflix called King of Stonks ????) but othing rly stuck, and then i went home.

I ALSO ASKED THEIR BROTHER TO 3D PRINT ME LITTLE MINI TF2 MERCS OMG I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY SUPER HOPE HE DOES I WANT A LITTLE SCOUT TO FIT IN MY HAND OMG

anyways, i already finished most of my hw today yippee !! gotta do some studying, but it shouldnt take too long. i really reallu need some new clothes, so i'm hoping to go shopping today. i really want a nice zip up jacket !! all of my zip-ups curl up when i sit on them (like the front zipper part curls in on itself and its just EMBARASSING), and none of them really fit the way i want. i also want some new shorts, but Idk that probably wont end up happening LOLZ ! but im hoping to get some new clothes, bc i think my closet definitely needs a revamp. i think the last time i got a lot of new clothes was a couple years ago, and all of them look kinda frumpy and sad now. hopefully i can get some new items that make me feel good to wear !! really want to get into cool clothes, but i think i need to start small first lol. and by that, being ok with how i look even in 'basic' clothing ! so thats one of my goals for this year, i guess

i also opened my jetpens order yesterday !! definitely gonna post my items on my stationery page, bc they are SO NICE OMGGGGG !!! the dry erase markers i got were AMAZING , the uni ball one i got is SUCH A CUTE COLOR and its so easy to write with too !! i also really like the new pencil case, and the red lead is soo fun to write with !! it glides like BUTTER across the paper omg its so cool !!! the sun star pencil i got is ALSO SUPER CURTE its so fun !! cant wait to decorate the case tho omg. maybe ill do it on friday... hmmm idk !

and i think thats all that really happened recently !! gonna try and finish a hat im crocheting lol !

update !! bought 3 REALLY NICE SWEATERS !!! all are zip up, and one is full zip ! the other 2 are the same type of jacket, just diff colors (one is cream, and one is an olive tone). that oen also has thumb holes in the cuffs yaya !!! only thing that kinda annoys me is theyre only half zip, but theyre still really nice so i like em !!

also i did finish the hat yay !! super happy about that one. did get all my studying and hw done too !! i feel so productive. i want to start another crochet prpject, but i kinda dont know what to make... maybe another scarf ?? or maybe some handwarmers to donate. i do really like making those so that might be a good idea... idk. anyways, gonna go find smth to do LOZL !

weekend time !! i love fridays so much. i think if i got home earlier they would be my favorite day of the week. right now, its tied with saturday. if i had no work saturday, then that would be my favorite day of the week

my jetpens order arrived !!! Yippee !!!! ive yet to open it (waiting for a response from a friend :) ) but im so excited !!!

i got a poke bowl for dinner yayayyaya !! havnt eaten it yet, but im Soo hungry cant wait. dunno why i dont eat it now Ngl, but the fam is leaving in like an hour so i think i'll eat it then. thus i can enjoy it more, and lavish in one my greatest daily pleasures (embarassing alert !!!): Dinner with Youtube

i know its kinda a joke, esp online, but OMG dinner with youtube is honestly Sooo much fun its such an experience !!! it absolutely brightens my day, esp after work. although it might honestly just be the dinner part; idk if youtube really has anything to do with it boosting my mood LOLOL !

today was kinda a blah day Ngl... nothing all too exciting happened in my own life. But, it is CHEYTOPIA'S BIRTHDAY !!!! happy birthday, and i really do truly hope the coming year brings more excitment to you !! happy 27th year (i think tahts right ??) and wishing you all the best !!

nothing else really happened in my own life today tho :( except worrying about next school year. I REALLY want to take ap comp sci next year and forgo my free period, but a friend told me next yr is harder than current. idk if i will really Follow that advice tho (SRRY TOES..) bc everyone ive talked to says its easier, and i think i can do it ngl.

ALSO BEEN GETTING BACK INTO SPLATOON !!! side order and fresh season just came out, and im having so much fun !! forgot how exciting the game was !!! rewlaly Upset tho cuz all my outfits r kinda bad ngl... idk ill try and buy some cuter shirts soon !!!

anyways, probz gonna go play some splatoon before dinner. will update if anything else happens and, as always, have a great rest your day !!

got home from work a while ago. just had some dinner and rollerskated though.

today was such a Bleh day. and im not expecting tomorrow to be any better unfortunately :( school today was so BORINg and BAD and just overall exhausting and made my brain feel like mush.

luckily work was fine ! told them abt my Vacay andthey said it was all ok

they hired some new kid though, just today. and he looks to be abt my age which Worries me. idk. there was also a new guy last week, and he still makes me feel Weird. dont like him. i dont think he likes kids. cant tell if he was just irritated today or he was just a bad teacher there. i hope it was just an off-day for him, he had to leave early. i hope he's not always like that

im so tired. not even like normal, but just tired of like. doing the same things over and over. i just have to make it through one more week though, and im off the hook !! cant wait

been reading more of the tf2 comics and theyre SO. FUNNY. dude legit theyre liek SO FUNNY OMG im having SO MUCH FUN JUST READING THEM OMG !!!!! i want to learn how to draw all these people so bad bc theyre like. So stupid and SO FUNNY !!!! cant tell who's my fave ngl, theyre all so funny !! legit thinking of getting the game Just bc i think theyre funny.... but idk that feels kinda stupid imo LOLZ i would def be really bad at it and it would probably be boring

cant wait to get my jetpens order !!! also tomorrow is my last like Difficult day of this week which im really happy about. after i get home from work tomorrow i will be SO PLEASED omg

anyways, gonna try and get some rest. i feel so weary, and i need to get better ):

sooo tired omg. not even normal anymore im so annoyed. luckily i feel really academically motivated tho !! redid the math reviews again yesterday and that white board makes me sooo happy !!

in physics rn. hoping i dont have that much homework bc im so tired. wanna go home and like. plan. getting really really worried about everything and its frustrating me so much. irritated and nothing is helping :( havent been feeling good doing the stuff i like, only doing stuff that makes me feel productive and Fulfilled

i really want to be a doctor, its honestly the main thing driving me. trying to get an opthamology internship, but idk if anyone'll hire me/let me

hoping i can go on a vacay over spring break !! would be really fun and i think i need a change of scenery. also, i like road trips alot. so much fun and i Need to get out of texas omg. getting too hot too quickly and im so PEEVED about it !!

might write more later, gotta get back to class.

in study hall rn, feeling Super energetic !!! i have a math test enxt and im very worried. brought my physics teacher some white baord markers because i felt bad abt sitting in his room during study hall And using his markers Lolz. feel a little better btu still sad.

reallyyyyyyy worried abt my math test. i need to do good on it Omg,

just finished math test. feeling overwhelmingly exhausted. mentally, and a little physically too. my arms feel so heavy

dunno how that went. probably (definitely) could have looked it over more, but i had been doing that for 45 minutes at that point. decided just to turn it in; whatever i dont know now, i probably wont know either. but then again, thats what gave me my 58 so..

speaking of, i raised it to a 75. Yayyy.. still not great but better than a fail. im hoping and praying i do better on this test. need to raise my grade, and need it stat !

ive been so elated lately. whenever i think about Perchance being in medical school and studying medicine and even just Biology or even chemistry OMG i get such a boost of motivation !!! i really want to be a doctor. no one has responded to my internship messages though, so thats kinda sucky and annoying. even a no would be better than being ignored :(

its ok though, ill find somewhere to volunteer at eventually :) im holding out hope !

i want my jetpens order to ship so bad !!! theyre packaging it rn but Omg i want it b4 the weekend so i can decorate the pencil case and Fill It !!!!! its like a plain grey one which is kinda sad but i got it bc it seems to be the most Ergonomic for me. plus, i have stickers And washi tape And tons of other stuff 2 personalize it with !! cant wait when it comes in the mail omg. i Love receiving packages and letters And mail things :)

gonna see if theres anything else on my site i can work on in the next 20 minutes. been blogging too much lol !

my jetpens order shipped !! super happy about that happening, very excited to receive my items ! gosh i loev shopping

wondering if i should make another crochet bag... likely going on a VACAY soon yippee and want something to bring with me to work on. idk, maybe ill just make a scarf or smth easier. dont want to bring too much styuff i wont end up using

ahve to go to bed soon. tomorrow i have to tell work i actually have to take the whole week off, and im worried because i said only wednesday thursday on saturday... yikes..... i really hope theyre understanding, im super excited for this trip !!! i think i need a change of scenery, a change of pace. i think i need some more fresh air

i really want to get better at drawing !! makes me so sad whenever i realize how crappy of an artist i am. whatever, comes with practice i guess

gonna start preparing for bed. thanks for reading and i hope your tomorrow is better than your today !

just finished up redoing the math review. my test is on tuesday, and i need it to boost my grade. i need my teacher to not think im stupid

felt so uncomfortable and icky this wjole weekend honestly. have such a nasty sinking feeling in my stomach, and i need it to get fixed...

placed a new jetpens order !!! got some new stuff for school, and really excited. also got myself a little whiteboard to study with, and its so helpful !! dunno why i never got one sooner, its sooo helpful !! legit just do a problem and erase, do a problem and erase. i bet itd be so helpful for history too omg !!!

bought some new pencils, a new pencil case, a new pen id been wanting, some red lead, a couple dry erase markers, and a fountain pen converter !! panini got me some GORGEOUS GLITTERY PURPLE INK for my bday and i havent been able to use it yet, so im SOoo excited for that !!! also the pencil case seems really nice, its black, but i might add some sticjers and stuff to make it cuter. i ened to feel Peppy and Happy to go to school ! i have 2 stop being such a Debby DOwner BAHAH !

cant believe i was using the WRONG form of stationery for so long btw. still looks wrong tho. Omg that was EMBARASSING !!!! glad that person corrected me tho lolz, at least now i know for the future

been so Dehydrated lately. maybe i should use that Stanley Cup again. that really helped me feel So hydrated and girlcore. it was really nice

speaking of girlcore, Panini said the phrase "Stanley Cup Gender Euphoria" yesterday which was really funny. but also true i guess ??? idk ist such a strange idea to apply to myself, a gal who was born a girl, but Idk. maybe theyre right

I LOVE THE TF2 CREW !!!!! THEYRE SO FUNNY. ITS SO FUNNY. THEYRE SO FUNNY. theyre all so omg. im so. Im so normal about this game. Its such a funny game. I want to learn how to draw ALL OF THEM !!!!

gonna try and drink some water, and get ready for bed. school tomorrow is gonna be rough...

ps been working on my stationery page !! have a ton more stuff to add, but got My basics up there so go check it out !!! its finally coming together and im a BIG fan of it !

just finished a history quiz. turned it in really early though, and im worried i did something wrong because everyone's still working. oh well

so worried about school right now. someone asked me if i had seen my math teacher and asked which level of the class i should be in next year. apparently someone did, and my teacher told her to drop down a level. and that girl is super smart. scared to drop down because ive known everyone in this class for so long. its also just kinda the only thing i know. and the only thing i have, i guess

yesterday at work this guy yelled at me. it was like a sentence, but it was scary. but he started talking to me like normal afterwards, so idk if i jjust heard wrong or something. either way, my heart was beating extra fast after that moment

started reading the tf2 comics last night LOLZ ! theyre actually so funny. finished the intro comic and the 1st edition, and scout and spy are in JAIL !?!?!?!? Craycray !! cant wait to read some of it later

i feel realy sick Rn. like not ill Physically, but sick to my stomach. Whateva. hopefully it goes away. want to crochet, havent done that in a while. need to get my paper revisions done, and work on my math problem set. and spanish. and english. Ugh i hate school, i hope it gets better soon. have a lovely time to whoever's reading !!

feeling awful, teacher told me i should drop down. which is definitely for the best, and i like 90% will drop down, but i also just feel like. awful about it. thats really all i have and now i feel So Freaking Bad (sob)

whatever, we Live and we Ball. ill feel better later maybe. maybe ill ask to get a bev or something lately. idk if i deserve one tho, so idk. Ugh feel so so so so So bad. i hope it will pass. it better..

feeling even worse now. even had a good dinner and everything. hoping i just need to get some energy out. really worried work tomorrow is going to be bad. i am really afraid, i hope it goes well. i need to fix this sinking feeling, but i dont know how. i hate school

at school right now. in study hall, which should be fine, but idk. i feel super bad for no reason, and all of a sudden. out of nowhere.

been listening to a lot of music today. while shuffling through a playlist, spotify added some russian music to the queue. and its so good and its so sad. was listening to the lyrics and translating them and its so sad. devastating. and for no reason. like yes, it is really sad, but it feels really like... idk. not surface level but definitely not worth a personal revelation

and it doesnt help that the band is like... the stereotypical slavic punk phonk type beats, molchat doma. even the band name just means like... slouching around and doing nothing in the house. or at least thats what i took it to mean. dont know if its right, but whatever

2nd day ive forgotten my lunch. which makes me really upset, bc i need to remember more and yet all im doing is remembering less and less. awful, awful thing to have happen. i want my memory to be even better than it has been, not get worse. i dont need to have the mind of a 90 year old when im not even halfway there

i ahve work today. im afraid, and yet i dont know why. i got paint all over myself during fine arts. maybe thats what caused this ? im not sure. but it was a very staining paint, and now its all over my shirt and shoes and legs

got a new skirt for school, and its a lot shorter than my other one. makes me feel better because it fits me a ton better, but i always feel like my shorts are sticking out. which would be super embarassing.

i feel like something bad is going to happen today, which is bad. i hope its not at work, because that would be awful. but maybe home would be worse. i dont know, but i hope its over quickly.

been feeling like im losing interest in my friends. not when im around them, but looking back on everything. wonder if im spiraling again, i really really hope not. Whatever itll be fine

gonna see if i can do something to keep my mind off whatever is bugging me. maybe a crossword would help. anyways, hope youre having a lovely Lovely day !

figured out what the bad thing was. i got a 58.8 on a math quiz. and the maximum grade i can get on it is a 76. feel actually awful. and its hoesstly fine, not the end of the world. im just so so so disappointed in myself. its ok. work was easy. just dont want to go to school tomorrow. at all. have to study, and i do not want to do that

school today was really Weird ngl. which is fine honestly bc better than Bad BAHAHAH ! anyways, crocheting rn. also really tired, but idk why this time. like i ate enough, i drank good water, i went outside. idk. whatever, probz nothing different Lol !

um. been thinking about tf2 lately.... bc jerma plays it.... and like. Watched all the valve youtube Meet the Crew vudeos and dude this would be SUCH A FUNNY SHOW IF IY EXIESTED I would be so happy. Honestly would watch a Tf2 show. this is so embarassing omg but liek THEYRE SO ENTERTAINING !!!! some people were saying theres tf2 COMICS and OMG.... WOULD PURCHASE AND READ AND ENJOY OMG !!!!

adding onto that, jerma is so funny omg. im like kinda really sad he retired bc dude why did i have 2 join the Jermamites when hes's like. almost done with his career !! and i know he still streams every now and then and im glad hes getting like rest n stuff but Omg. i miss the guy... Jermy come back. We miss u man. #BringBackTheManWhoMans

kinda annoyed with this page layout Ngl. really wanna add more little cool things and im sure i will but im so Eepy from making the page that im not rly in the mood to decorate it ngl :( might just try and like... idk just try and do it over the weekend or smth. idk ! bc i know its gonna be fun and i know its gonna end up looking Cool and Epic but idk, just not in the mood to decorate rn

started on crocheting a hat !! so much fun and its such a simple pattern so much. just back loop only single crochet, which is super duper fun and easy !!

gonna try and get some more rest. crochet some more, give myself some Rest of whatever. hope anyone reading is doing lovely !!

finally i think im pretty much done with the base layout !! def wanna add more images and gifs and fun little flair and stuff, but i think ive covered all the main things i wanted to do !! especially proud of the minecraft sign current block, really glad i had that idea. i think its super cool !!

wondering if i should go with a coral reef theme instead of a garden one. hung out with panini a lot this weekend, and they suggested an underwater coral reef theme and i REALLY want to do it. but also.... garden is so cute !!

anyways, this weekend was SO MUCH FUN !!! spent saturday and sunday with panini (after work n homework Obvi lolz...) and we did so much !!! also enjoyed a PLETHORA of yummy drinks which was really epic !!

yesterday i had a DELICIOUS LATTE with like... hazelnut syrup ???? and it was SOOSOOSOSOSOSOOOO GOOD !!!! and on saturday i had a pistachio latte that was also delish !!! there was more of a rich coffee flavour and it was SO. GOOD. Omg !!! and then today i had a matcha latte with boba !!! delicious omg. been having so many little treats, im so happy !!

made myself some more handwarmers !! my advisory for school planned a valentines day secret santa type thing, and the girl who got me gifted me some ADORABLE YARN !!! Used the grey she gave me to make handwarmers and theyre SO. NICE OMG !!! so warm and i used a different technique, so they fit a lot better and theyre so nice !!

also spent a lot of time working on this page, and im pretty happy with how it looks for now !! def wanna work on it more tho, so stay tuned !!

forgot how much i missed blogging daily lolz ! have a great rest of your day !!

clicking on the first post here (post 87) makes the background image change size and i DONT KNOW WHY.... it also makes the post box size change which is so irritating. i thought i fixed it yesterday but i guess not omg. also working on adding little dividers to each of the post boxes because its so cute !!

more image 2 test what the issue is

hope i can figure it out and get back 2 blogging normally !!

sipping the best coffee rn. its like.. a latte with..... gosh i forget what the clerk at the counter said it had. it was like hazelnut syrup and soemthing else.... gosh i forgot what but it is SO DELISH !!!! best coffee ive ever had genuinely omg

Still dunno how 2 format this. Helppppp coding is like. hard again. Sobbing...

2nd p

update (4:31 pm) Im starting to like it !! i figure out the issue (forgot it already tho Bahahah) and now its all working how i intended yippee !!! just gotta add some more touches on this stylistically. really like the garden theme !!! need to find some adorable graphics and stuff ! so happy i figured it out omg. gotta just do more styling now, which is always fun ! also have 2 remember to link this page on the main blog source Lol !

not a real blog post, i need a sample so I can make this format look right. and this is gonna be SUPER DIFFICULT because a am not a creative person and thus this is gonna take me forever to figure out a blog format. Help

second paragraph to see how that will work

image to see how to format that. erm. help...

breaks to see if the read more works

time to do all the css. ugh yikes.